My husband lives with his parents and takes care of them. His mom has Alzheimer's. She hasn't left the house in 8 months and he couldn't get her out for a doctor's appointment (which I recommended he make, because his mom's condition is getting worse, including falling down and hitting her head, swallowing difficulties, and other things). Mainly, I'm curious what, if anything, has worked for other people. If I suggest anything to my husband, he says I'm being judgmental.
Do you have a therapist you can work this out with? Please don't think that I'm suggesting that you are in any way at fault. It's just that sometimes life throws us crazy curves, and I think you've gotten a doozie.
I assume your husband has Durable POA. Any thinking person would be on board with getting MIL to the doctor. So, since your husband is not, then he needs to get out of the way and let someone else do it, before he gets in trouble for neglect. I'm sure you know all of this. It's disturbing you husband doesn't get it. I worry there is something causing him to be in this denial.
From the way you describe his attitude and behavior, I'm not sure there is a way to do what needs to be done and prevent him from being annoyed. So, I would decide to either stay on his good side or actively try to help his mom get help.
You can anonymously report her to Adult Protective Services. That's an option.
If he will allow you to get her to the doctor, then you might tell MIL that you have an appointment and want her to go with you to see your doctor. Set it up in advance. You can read here how to do that. Say anything that works, she probably isn't able to process that it might not make sense. You can also say that Medicare now requires a vaccination and she has to get hers from a doctor or that there is cash rebate for all seniors in that area if they get their blood tested for measles. Actually give her a gift card to prove it. Anything that would work. Once she gets to the doctor, things normally fall into place and maybe she can get Hospice involved if it's time. I wish you all the best. What a tough spot to be in.
I The difficulties your husband is having with his mother.
2 The relationship between you are your husband..
For the first just step back and if you feel the situation is bad enough call APS.
For the second I would recommend that you see a good therapist and try to evaluate your relationship going forward. passive agressive is really impossible to deal with alone. Blessings
Difficulty swallowing can come from so many different sources and be so dangerous. If he's there and HE'S competent, it really does seem as though he's leaving himself open to charges of neglect, when in fact none is intended. Far better, I think, to leave and tell APS that these two elders are vulnerable than to have APS come after him. Tell him it's not you be judgmental, it's that evil Babalou!
I'm not at all sure that I understand what he means when he says you're being judgmental. Does he think you're suggesting that he's not doing right by her? Ask him how you can help, if not by offering suggestions for how to get her better care.
And get him to a therapist when you can.
I have done a POA for myself and my husband is not my agent. I figured out a long time ago that he is not someone who will make decisions unless he is forced to by someone else. In the case of my MIL, I don't want to push too hard; even my "oh, have you thought about doing this" comments are received as judgmental.
The next time mil falls, I would suggest that 911 be called. That way, the emts can check her out and transport her if necessary.
This is a common problem, and perhaps there are some good ideas out there. Many people have certainly dealt with this.
When my mother lived alone I would sometimes show up to take her to a doctor appointment and find her in pajamas. "I'm just too tired to go," she'd say. "Well, you can be tired at the doctor's office just as well as here. Do you want to wear this red shirt or this white one?" and I'd just bossily get her dressed and out of there. Later she lived with my sister, who was usually able to get her to a doctor, but often had struggles about other places, even places Mother loved, like the beauty shop.
Now Mom is in a nursing home, and she absolutely loves that she can get her hair done every week without leaving the building. Even the few times she has had to go elsewhere for medical care they wheeled her chair right onto the van. She never has to struggle into and out of a car. That can be difficult and apparently disorienting.
Does your father-in-law encourage his wife to go to appointments? Is he a help or a hindrance?
I agree with the need for MIL to be seen by medical professionals. I hope your husband can make that happen for her.