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Dad moved in. He was very busy before he moved in, working (at 78) full time. Now that he moved in (7 hours from his home) he is sedentary. He didn't complain about his knees much before but now he can barely walk. He got shots in his knees (has been to ALL of the doctors) which was better for a few days. Now he is using a cane. I know he's not young and mom passing didn't help. He is completely bored, I get it. I work at home and I cant do everything for him. I try to get him involved. I took him to my civic club meeting to introduce him to people in his own age, I got him involved with a lodge locally and introduced him to someone his own age to help him get active. He likes to go to lunch every day but he does not have the money (fixed income) I am strapped for cash right now so I cant help him out. I do not ask him for any money to live here just he pay his bills from his SS money. He has no hobbies except construction. I gave him a few pieces of furniture (he loves to do that) to refinish but he did one and stopped. He says he cant read long (PTSD), I got him a gym membership (went one day). I cant entertain him I know he is bored. I tried to get him to seek out volunteering but now his knees are an issue. I do have to work during the day. Even tho I'm at home he has to come into the office to "talk to someone". He won't help out by even putting a dish in the dishwasher (he will watch me do it tho). Mom did everything around the house. He will go to the store and get apples then say "make me a pie"! He is just now getting around to saying please and thank you. I am not trying to be mean. I am doing a bit of tough love but I have done so much for the past year I am tired. I make him go to his Dr. appts. alone because I want him to do things for himself while he can. Its not that I don't care I do but after being out of the house for 32 years I do things on my own. We have dinner with him every night. I make coffee for him every morning. I don't want to try to replace my mom but I can't be with him 24 hours a day. He has his own living area in the house, we invite him to be with us but we do like our own time. I have taken him on business trips with me during the day to get him out of the house. I mentioned him to go the the library etc.... but unless I set it up he wont do anything. He is not happy I am not going on our annual hunting trip as I am out of money (spent it on an 8 day fishing trip I took him on this summer) As long as he can drive around and go places he is good. He is going to visit my sister soon and some relatives for a week with a lot of driving and that worries me. He will be fine doing that as it is normal for him and he will be back in the home area (spending money he doesn't have) but once he gets home from that I am out of ideas.

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It seems that you have done (and are doing) everything that you can, however you may underestimate the impact that your mom's death and then your dad's move have had on him. That's a lot for anyone to absorb let alone someone who already has at least one mental disorder.

It seems to me that he may be suffering from depression which may or may not be relieved by medication, but counseling may help. Some joint counseling may help, as well, so that you can both come to a better understanding of how this arrangement is supposed to work.

You'll have to get this figured out (his living with you) so that you can both have some time apart as well as together time. If counseling doesn't help, you may have to consider assisted living for him so that he has people around. I'd suggest in-home care first, but that will cost money unless he has a waiver of some type and you mention that you are both financially strapped. Eventually, something will have to change, so I'd try a doctor first. Good luck,
Carol
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Hi - I like the idea about counseling! It will be so helpful to have a third party lay out suggested ground rules for this new living situation, that none of you are familiar with - adults in the same house I think is always a bit unusual for us. You are doing such a great job, good luck.
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Oh, man, does he need to go to a nice assisted living place! Are there places nearby that would be affordable for him? Is your state one that will take Medicaid for AL? He sounds bored and depressed; is his doctor aware of his lack of motivation?
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If your county has good, subsidized senior housing, take him for a visit and explain that he's moving in. There, he'll be surrounded by others who are looking for ways to fill their days. Near me, a senior who qualifies can rent a one bedroom apartment for about $750 per month, including utilities.
Sounds to me like your dad has dementia and is unable to plan even small tasks. He sounds just like my dad. He lives on his own and doesn't lift a finger to clean his apartment. It's like he no longer recognizes that it needs to be done. Another symptom is how oblivious he seems to be to your financial situation and your work demands. Same here. I find it always helps to remind myself that I'm the adult now.
Moving him into senior housing is obviously easier said than done. I've given up, but if he was living with me, I'd make it a high priority. Respect yourself first. Good luck!
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Do you remember how your parents raised you to be a responsible adult? This is the same concept with the shoe on the other foot. Communicate expectations, ground rules, and boundary lines. Don't do for him what he can do for himself. It might be a good idea to go to his next doctor appointment. Provide a heads-up to the doctor beforehand so that he will know your concerns. As others have stated: Assisted living is a good option, if you can find an affordable facility. Senior subsidized housing is another good option, and probably affordable. Call your Area Agency on Aging to find out what's available and whether your father qualifies for their help. No matter what living option you all choose, you will be a caregiver. Get your family onboard and discuss how you can share this responsibility. Write a contract of commitment for everyone to sign off on. Good communication with EVERYONE involved, including Dad, is key.
Barbara M., author
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You need support. Your family is a good place to start. I have a similar situation with my mom. She has mobility issues and dad used to do everything for her. He loved doing it but he did rely on me for relief. Dad passed away last year and mom and I moved to senior housing. I think I underestimated how much care mom needed. She suffers from major depression, along with her mobility issues. I have greater concern for her lack of interest in activities she was once involved in, and sleeping much of the day. I work closely with her Dr. I know that grief has had a huge impact. While there are activities here at the senior housing, mom is uncomfortable in the company of "strangers." She feels weird doing things without dad. We do get out and often eating in a restaurant will evokes tears as she witnesses others with their mate. I get no help in moms care from my siblings. I have however, gotten meals on wheels to come while I am at work. This gives me some peace of mind knowing she is at least getting a meal during the day. Assisted living is an option for you depending on the level of care needed. It is not for everyone... which is another great topic to post. I gave up everything to care for my parents, and I mean everything, so I understand why this is not a position everyone can take on. Care giving is possibly the most stressful job on earth.
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Does he get enough dietary fat in his diet? Lack of quality fats can worsen depressed moods and even lead to brain disorders. Quality fats are natural fats, e.g., butter, extra virgin olive oil, coconut oil, avocado, raw nuts and seeds. Even fatty meats from grass-fed animals can be beneficial.

Avoid unnatural fats, e.g., trans fats; or GMO soy, corn, cottonseed, canola oils. Also avoid deep frying.
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Have you looked into adult daycare. Even if it is only one day a week it could relieve his boredom. He might not like it at first but probably would after a few visits. Since he isn't helping with expenses make him pay for it.
Also, if he is able, you could have him pay an equal portion of utility and grocery costs. We did that with my mother (she paid one third) and it made her feel like she was contributing. Most people don't want to be "freeloaders".
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Do you have a McDonald's nearby? Mom spent 15 years! going to McDonald's five days a week to visit with other seniors who made it a meeting place. I'm betting most McDonald's have the same gatherings -- heck, the have "senior coffee" prices for a reason. ;) That's one idea. Check it out. Go with him the first time and put on a little dog-and-pony show as you introduce him around.

Same with a local senior center. Most of them have card games (gin rummy, poker, pinochle), senior trips that don't cost an arm/leg, classes, etc.

I have a question about his budget. The average SS check is $1200 a month. A good healthcare supplement for Medicare is probably about $250 a month. Car insurance $1000 a year. If he's not paying you rent, what bills does he have that he doesn't have $200 a month to go out to lunch five days a week? And if he can't go FIVE days, how about just two?

And how about suggesting to family that birthdays/Christmas/Father's Day mean a cash contribution to a gift card for the local restaurant he'd like to frequent? If that's his bliss, find a way to make it happen.
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What about having him attend a 'try out' day at the local senior center. They have many activities on their calendar and he would find others to talk with.
When he brings apples and says make a pie, you should say let's do it together. You can start out with small things to keep him active, let him know that it really helps you out if he can do 'whatever'. I'm sure he misses your mother, and that will never change, but being social will help his loneliness. You've tried several things. I live with my dad and I leave him a list of small chores for him to do while I'm at work. Like Danidew commented, look into adult medical day care, it's a great program and they have nurses on staff which is a plus. Even if he attends a day program or a senior center a couple days per week at first, he may decide later to go five days per week because he is enjoying it. That is a good thing.
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Congratulations for caring for your father in his time of need, however, you are doing too much. When all your suggestions have basically failed, have a serious talk with him and tell him he is on his own. You are not his baby sitter and you do not entertain as you have a job of your own. He is still finding his way being alone without a wife who cared for him. Give him laundry to do, dishes to clean, and other jobs you find yourself doing for him. Since I have one bad knee and have received a cortisone injection before, it works for months. I think he is playing the sympathy card here. Tell him to go for a walk each day and that will make the knee better (exercise is the best medicine). Stop trying to do everything for him and he will find plenty to occupy his time. I am up at 5 a.m. and crash at 9 p.m. and I work all day doing things for a husband with dementia and two dogs. Ask him what HE wants to do with each day and then set up a schedule together. If he is driving for a long time his knee will hurt more unless he stops and gets out to walk around. You don't mention any other health issues, so try these. At 78 yrs. my husband had a job driving 18 wheelers across country (after a long military career and commercial airline job) so his age only limits him by his thought processes. Good luck!
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Maybe you have done this already, but in case you haven't ...

Can you sit down and ask him what he wants to do? Come with a list of your own to make suggestions, but be absolutely sure that HE decides what he is interested in doing. I am recently retired and this is a HUGE change for me. I can sympathize with him that he doesn't know quite what to do and what interests him.

He needs time and encouragement, but it sounds like he can make up his own mind, if given the choices. Let him know the list of house chores that need doing and ask him to select a few that he will be accountable for doing. Give him the opportunity to be PROUD of his contribution to your home, even if it's just sweeping the front walkway once a week. Help him to choose a productive routine.

What can he do every day for the household? Maybe he could choose to make the coffee for you? Seem simple enough... Be careful not to take away the good things he can do to contribute. I bet he will love being appreciated for his contributions to your home. Let him know that everyone has to do something to contribute and ask him to identify what jobs are his.

It sounds like you have a very loving relationship and that you are doing the best you can. Seems like you have already tried a lot of creative ideas.

As someone here suggested to me once, be sure to tell him that you love him every single day and hug him if you can. One day he will be gone forever and you will never ever have the chance to do that again.
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As already suggested, your dad sounds like he could be suffering with depression and is unmotivated to do anything "on his own" without a lot of prompting and encouragement from you. My mom had untreated clinical depression for 9 months, until 4 weeks ago switching depression meds to a very effective combo of 2 anti-depressants referred to as "California rocket fuel". Within 4 weeks, she has gone from not wanting to do anything "for herself" (two examples are fixing herself a glass of water and finding the off button on the phone) to getting out of bed on her own in the morning when she hears me up, playing card games she couldn't play a few months ago, crocheting (that she couldn't do a few weeks back) and cleaning her room!!! Please schedule a doctor's appointment to check for depression (there are basic questionnaires that evaluate this dehabilitating condition) and discuss with the doctor any symptoms as caregiver you've noticed. If the doc is experienced with signs of depression and treatment, he will be able to treat your dad with an effective medicine(s) if depression is indicated. I understand your feelings of exhaustion and doing everything you can, but sometimes it's medical intervention that's needed, particularly with the loss of a spouse that often leads to clinical depression. Added note: I've been taking my mom on walks so she gets adequate sunlight, and it's always been hard to tell if she's even enjoyed it. I kept thinking more sun more energy, more exercise more energy, eating fresh fruits and veggies more energy, a good night's sleep more energy, more interaction with others more interest in life. Well. none of that happened or made a difference until her depression was resolved medicinally. Today, she commented on the color changes of the trees, and remarked about a tree that looks like it will soon fall....truly amazing how depression can completely take over one's perception and lack of engagement. Get your dad checked out asap.
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I would make sure it's just him feeling depressed and not some underlying problem like dementia. I know that my cousin started out refusing to come to family gatherings. She stopped going to any social outings and had no motivation. It seemed that she started relying on me to help her make decisions, purchases, etc. I didn't get it, but later it all made sense. She simply had lost the ability to do many of those things on her own.

I would make sure your dad is fully capable of driving out of town before he left for the trip you describe.
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Thanks, all the answers are helpful. He wont even think of a facility or day care, he is not ready for that. I have gotten him to go to lodge meetings but the guy he was going with is out of town for a while. I get it he is lonely. He is very good about sleeping in to give my wife and I time in the AM to get ready for work. Things are slowly morphing. He is learning our routine. He does his own laundry. He is still in the mode of being invited to dinner. He hears us making it and then scoots to his living room then we have ti call him. I try to cook healthy , proteins, veggies every night. Once in a while a home made pizza. He was going out to lunch every day but the money finally caught up to him ( I tried to tell him but when he bounced a few checks it was finally tough love). He is going to my sisters for a few days for his birthday. It is an 8 hour drive by himself and I am worried. The off to a family event for all of us with another 7 hour drive back. He is looking forward to it but he doesn't have the finances to do the whole thing and neither do I. I will ask my sister to help him out since I front everything else. TBH when he goes there it's like the divorced parent they don't live with all the fun stuff will happen, dinners out, tours, etc.... Anyway. He has been busy with getting to the doctors for check ups and getting his knee in shape with shots. He is a bit more mobile. I gave him some furniture to refinish but he seems to have lost interest. I offered for him to go to the library or other lodges but unless I go he wont and I don't have time. I took him on a business trip for a day and he was happy to get out of the house but the next day I had to take my wife so we could get some time together. I am split between entertaining him and my wife so I'm a bit frazzled right now. Really I think I am the one suffering from depression with all of this. I try to keep it going but there are days when it is tough. Between business, lack of money (bad year) and everything else I have more down than up days and I can't talk to anyone about it. I just keep trudging along. I am happy when I leave my house and more happy when everyone else leaves! I am happy this site is here as if not I wouldn't know what to do. I know it will get better then most likely worse down the road but... For now I am trying anything I can. If he had money and could travel it wouldn't be a problem. He has no money (just enough to pay his bills). So he just sits around the house. I have tried with a few repairs around the house but for the time it takes, me to find the tools and help him I can get it done myself. I did have him run the splitter last week while I put up firewood. easy job for him (killed me tho) he seemed to like ti, but I cant entertain him everyday.
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You are such a good person. I know how much this site helped me and I'm glad we are all here for each other. It's a great place to vent and then find out we are all struggling with similar challenges... and to learn from each other.

Thank you for posting. It is helpful to hear about your story.
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Thanks for the ideas, the have him help may be more of a hindrance. He likes to cook but I will have to do the cleanup and get all the tools out thus more work for me. I am trying to give him chores but suffice to say there is nothing he would or can do. Everything turns into something. If I give him a small job I end up doing it with him. I had him deliver lunch to my FD while we were training, it got there with some issue but he was happy to help out. We were out with friends (actually his age) who I watch after. They wanted to take me and my wife out to dinner for helping them with their house. They asked me to bring my dad. He keeps going on about how "they didn't have to take him out to dinner". He forgets this was my dinner for my wife and I. I was hoping he could strike up a relationship to hang out with them but that wont work, plus he like to tell stories about me so it embarrasses me. It can be a challenge some days. I am making my moms cookies for the holidays so maybe that will help. I try to cook the home meals and things he likes. I just have to not listen to the backhanded compliments I get. Maye this weekend I can get him to make a meal he wants. He keeps going on about the things he wants but they are all things like pigs feet, stomach, liver all the things I don't like, mom wouldn't let him make and you cant really get around here plus they are bad for him. I think he does it to push my buttons. He has been helping to clear the dishes after dinner. I tried to get him to mow the lawn on my tractor that didn't last. The furniture refinishing job is still in the garage taking up space...
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Let me get this straight.....you're going to have him mow the lawn.... with a mower that requires a sharp blade? I'd rethink that one if I were you unless its one of those environmentally friendly mowers without a blade. I understand your hope that your dad does things he can do on his own, but from reading your post it seems you're trying to force a round peg in a square hole, and that's got to be upsetting to your dad as well. Your comments also suggest that you might feel a bit "put out" by your dad's comments and behavior. If he has early dementia, he's likely lost his "filter" about remembering the facts (like who took whom out for dinner) and he's unable to act "socially appropriate" because of the changes his mind is experiencing. If you take it all personally, you got it all wrong. He has little control over his comments and behavior if he has dementia. Switch your focus on the positive things that he CAN do-like helping to clean up after dinner. It's good you're trying to think of things he might enjoy but try to not have any expectations. I know from experience caring for my mom that's hard to do...but possible, and I learned that to lose the expectation part is necessary for your own peace of mind. I also know what it feels like to have all kinds of activities in mind and it all come to nothing. Be patient, some things might not "click in" until several times of trying...similar to rote learning...repeat repeat repeat until he learns the behavior. Don't, however, go the trial and error" approach with dangerous equipment (like mowers) that could result in injury! Yikes!
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