Dad moved in. He was very busy before he moved in, working (at 78) full time. Now that he moved in (7 hours from his home) he is sedentary. He didn't complain about his knees much before but now he can barely walk. He got shots in his knees (has been to ALL of the doctors) which was better for a few days. Now he is using a cane. I know he's not young and mom passing didn't help. He is completely bored, I get it. I work at home and I cant do everything for him. I try to get him involved. I took him to my civic club meeting to introduce him to people in his own age, I got him involved with a lodge locally and introduced him to someone his own age to help him get active. He likes to go to lunch every day but he does not have the money (fixed income) I am strapped for cash right now so I cant help him out. I do not ask him for any money to live here just he pay his bills from his SS money. He has no hobbies except construction. I gave him a few pieces of furniture (he loves to do that) to refinish but he did one and stopped. He says he cant read long (PTSD), I got him a gym membership (went one day). I cant entertain him I know he is bored. I tried to get him to seek out volunteering but now his knees are an issue. I do have to work during the day. Even tho I'm at home he has to come into the office to "talk to someone". He won't help out by even putting a dish in the dishwasher (he will watch me do it tho). Mom did everything around the house. He will go to the store and get apples then say "make me a pie"! He is just now getting around to saying please and thank you. I am not trying to be mean. I am doing a bit of tough love but I have done so much for the past year I am tired. I make him go to his Dr. appts. alone because I want him to do things for himself while he can. Its not that I don't care I do but after being out of the house for 32 years I do things on my own. We have dinner with him every night. I make coffee for him every morning. I don't want to try to replace my mom but I can't be with him 24 hours a day. He has his own living area in the house, we invite him to be with us but we do like our own time. I have taken him on business trips with me during the day to get him out of the house. I mentioned him to go the the library etc.... but unless I set it up he wont do anything. He is not happy I am not going on our annual hunting trip as I am out of money (spent it on an 8 day fishing trip I took him on this summer) As long as he can drive around and go places he is good. He is going to visit my sister soon and some relatives for a week with a lot of driving and that worries me. He will be fine doing that as it is normal for him and he will be back in the home area (spending money he doesn't have) but once he gets home from that I am out of ideas.
Thank you for posting. It is helpful to hear about your story.
I would make sure your dad is fully capable of driving out of town before he left for the trip you describe.
Can you sit down and ask him what he wants to do? Come with a list of your own to make suggestions, but be absolutely sure that HE decides what he is interested in doing. I am recently retired and this is a HUGE change for me. I can sympathize with him that he doesn't know quite what to do and what interests him.
He needs time and encouragement, but it sounds like he can make up his own mind, if given the choices. Let him know the list of house chores that need doing and ask him to select a few that he will be accountable for doing. Give him the opportunity to be PROUD of his contribution to your home, even if it's just sweeping the front walkway once a week. Help him to choose a productive routine.
What can he do every day for the household? Maybe he could choose to make the coffee for you? Seem simple enough... Be careful not to take away the good things he can do to contribute. I bet he will love being appreciated for his contributions to your home. Let him know that everyone has to do something to contribute and ask him to identify what jobs are his.
It sounds like you have a very loving relationship and that you are doing the best you can. Seems like you have already tried a lot of creative ideas.
As someone here suggested to me once, be sure to tell him that you love him every single day and hug him if you can. One day he will be gone forever and you will never ever have the chance to do that again.
When he brings apples and says make a pie, you should say let's do it together. You can start out with small things to keep him active, let him know that it really helps you out if he can do 'whatever'. I'm sure he misses your mother, and that will never change, but being social will help his loneliness. You've tried several things. I live with my dad and I leave him a list of small chores for him to do while I'm at work. Like Danidew commented, look into adult medical day care, it's a great program and they have nurses on staff which is a plus. Even if he attends a day program or a senior center a couple days per week at first, he may decide later to go five days per week because he is enjoying it. That is a good thing.
Same with a local senior center. Most of them have card games (gin rummy, poker, pinochle), senior trips that don't cost an arm/leg, classes, etc.
I have a question about his budget. The average SS check is $1200 a month. A good healthcare supplement for Medicare is probably about $250 a month. Car insurance $1000 a year. If he's not paying you rent, what bills does he have that he doesn't have $200 a month to go out to lunch five days a week? And if he can't go FIVE days, how about just two?
And how about suggesting to family that birthdays/Christmas/Father's Day mean a cash contribution to a gift card for the local restaurant he'd like to frequent? If that's his bliss, find a way to make it happen.
Also, if he is able, you could have him pay an equal portion of utility and grocery costs. We did that with my mother (she paid one third) and it made her feel like she was contributing. Most people don't want to be "freeloaders".
Avoid unnatural fats, e.g., trans fats; or GMO soy, corn, cottonseed, canola oils. Also avoid deep frying.
Barbara M., author
Sounds to me like your dad has dementia and is unable to plan even small tasks. He sounds just like my dad. He lives on his own and doesn't lift a finger to clean his apartment. It's like he no longer recognizes that it needs to be done. Another symptom is how oblivious he seems to be to your financial situation and your work demands. Same here. I find it always helps to remind myself that I'm the adult now.
Moving him into senior housing is obviously easier said than done. I've given up, but if he was living with me, I'd make it a high priority. Respect yourself first. Good luck!
It seems to me that he may be suffering from depression which may or may not be relieved by medication, but counseling may help. Some joint counseling may help, as well, so that you can both come to a better understanding of how this arrangement is supposed to work.
You'll have to get this figured out (his living with you) so that you can both have some time apart as well as together time. If counseling doesn't help, you may have to consider assisted living for him so that he has people around. I'd suggest in-home care first, but that will cost money unless he has a waiver of some type and you mention that you are both financially strapped. Eventually, something will have to change, so I'd try a doctor first. Good luck,
Carol