cdnreader Asked January 2017
How do you get past the anger after a loss?
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My father passed away almost 3 months ago. But I'm still so angry. Angry at the sibling for not helping more. Angry at myself for not being patient enough and doing more to save my dad. Angry at my grandmother who is still alive but my dad is dead. I know it doesn't make sense. I want so badly to turn back the clock and continue caring for my dad. People around me act like I should be relieved that I no longer have to care or be responsible for my dad's care. It was 24/7 for three years and I was getting burned out, but I never wanted him to die. I want to be rational. But the more I think about it, the more angry I get about the doctors, the nurses, just everyone. I wish I knew how to move past this stage of grief.
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Just give it time..........come on here and vent to your heart's content. Put your energy to better use. There are grief support groups out there. They say anger is one of the stages of grief. Do you have supportive people in your life who would understand? 3 months is not a long time. Give yourself a moment.............
Thank you for your kind and understanding words. I really needed them. (((hugs))) I tried talking to one counsellor and after three sessions, she asked if I wanted to close my file. I think she thought she said all she could say to me. I guess I could find another counsellor. I find it hard to trust. And I feel people don't want to hear me vent or talk about my dad. They want me to move on and get over the loss. I know you are right. I just miss my dad so much and miss my old life as his caregiver. Moving forward seems a long way off. I will see if I can find a support group. I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your mom. I'm like you angry at arrogant doctors and insensitive nurses. Thank you again for responding to my post. I will try as you say to give myself a moment and more time. So hard accepting this new reality of a life without my dad.
I also know what you mean about not trusting. I went to a support group before my Mom even started to decline cause I knew that I would need to learn some coping skills. In the end, I chose to start taking a mild, (very mild) antidepressant which got me over the hump so to speak. Whatever works for you. Find another counselor if you can. Keep looking until you find the right one. Come on here. Private message me anytime you like.
My anger was somewhat different from yours, in that my greatest anger was at my deceased sister. I had had a very contentious relationship with her the last few years of her life, about from the time I started caring for my mother. I wanted to reconnect with my sister when she was sick and reaffirm our love for one another, but she was so shut down in her misery, so focused on trying to survive that she couldn't spare a thought for what she would leave behind if she didn't make it. She didn't let me take care of her nearly as much as I wanted to, and that made me sad. I'm also afraid that it may have affected her survival, because I was much more focused on certain symptoms (the ones that ultimately ended up killing her) than anyone else seemed to be.
The night of my sister's death, my middle sister called me up to ask how I was doing, and when I tried to share my regrets about the lack of any resolution with my sister, she cut me off saying "You're going to have to let go of that.' I said "Yes, but I'm not letting go of it tonight."
After that I called my therapist and asked if I could email her with what was going on because I couldn't get an appointment with her for at least a week, and she didn't want to share her email address with me. That was pretty much the end of my therapy with her - I really felt abandoned and let down by that.
Of course I'm angry at the doctors and nurses for not taking better care of her, allowing her to suffer for so long, and basically giving up on her. And I'm angry at my mother for outliving my sister, because if my mother had died first, my sister and I might still have had a chance to work things out. And yes, I miss taking care of her (to the extent I was allowed to) and sharing my love with her even though I wasn't getting any back. I wish I were still doing it now and she were still with us.
The only condolence I can share with you is that it does get better. For a while it's all you can think about, and then other issues start to take the fore. And when you think about it, you're still sad, but you don't think about it all the time. At least that's how it's been for me.
Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your sister. I know it hurts when you care so much and try to do so much and it feels like everyone around you doesn't understand.
I know I need to change the narrative. And thank you for letting me know it does get better. I want to move forward. But I feel so much guilt and regret over everything that happened in 2016. And the anger over everyone around me for making me feel like I was failing my dad.
But in a way, I feel they were right. I did fail him. I noticed he didn't want to eat, he was refusing his meds, but instead of trying to be more gentle, I gave up. I didn't want to fight. I didn't want to annoy him. I let him be. Never realizing how fatal that mistake would be. I never even told my dad what mattered. I never told him, I appreciated him. I loved him. I know he did his best for his family. And I was sorry he wasn't happy after the stroke, but I really tried. I tried to take care of all the every day things and take the burden off him. Thinking to myself that I would "fix" it and by being a good daughter, I would save myself from having to face my father's death. In the end, it was all too late. He was dying for months and I still didn't say or do what I needed because I had so much anger about everything around us.
Thank you again for your comforting words. I'm so grateful.
Look at it this way, you're not hurting others by being angry at them, only yourself.
I am making sure she is not in pain and getting her medical care now that things are critical. On her own, she always made bad choices but I could not force her to do anything. Many people questioned me over the years about why I didn't take care of this or that concerning her health. She flat out refused and made me out to be the bad guy because I couldn't figure out a way to 'make' her go to a doctor.
Know you did your best and let go of the guilt. Some parents are just too stubborn to their own detriment.
The whys and wherefores are different for all of us. My mom refused to pursue a diagnosis for her progressive loss of balance, dexterity and strength. Hostilely refused.
Mom's version of I'M FINE, I'M FINE was falling constantly in a house full of steps.... reducing her diet to yogurt, sandwiches and microwave foods.... freezing out all of her friends (and freezing out their concern about her self-neglect).... hoarding.... enlisting neighbors to help her out of jams and swearing them to secrecy.... enlisting one other relative or me to help with correspondence, bill-paying, a chore of her choosing -- then brusquely dismissing us, because we were witnessing too much of her unsafe "independence."
Mom had top-notch health insurance, a long-term care policy, 3 paid-off homes and a robust IRA portfolio. And she lived like the Little Matchstick Girl. It drove me insane.
People who knew that mom was financially secure would constanly ask me, "Why doesn't SHE do this-that-the other?" People who believed my mother's poor-mouthing would constantly ask me, "Why don't YOU do this-that-the other?"
Not one person was perceptive enough to say, "It really sukks that your mom's refusal to get a diagnosis means that you are denied 50% of your parental health history."
I could go on. Settling mom's estate is taking a heck of a long time. The old memories trigger and the frustrations recycle. There's sadness mixed in, too, naturally. Sometimes I just want to crawl out of my skin.
You're welcome. I know how you feel. Hang in there, it will get better (((((Hugs)))))