No one will believe me! I know she's getting dementia. All the relatives just see her very occasionally and always when she's at her "shiniest".
She's like the "elder hero" of the family. 91, so perky, living independently... and all this is a lie. She refuses to use walker, cane as advised by doc. Refuses to get hearing aid deaf in one ear and getting worse.
Her doc has a huge ego, have been advised not to tell the doc as she'll tell Mom - yes even though its illegal.
She also tells tales about me to them to make me look bad, or immature, looks like for years now.
This woman needs to be in a facility, and she just says she'll move in with me when its time.
Does anyone know where I can turn? Only kid here, shame of it is I've never felt lonely, ever, til now.
She's even set the house not to automatically go to me when she dies, but to whomever she wants. I promise you all I've been a good daughter. Nothing else would be acceptable.
You've also got the house to consider since half of it is yours. With your mother's ability to make others believe her skewed version of things, I think that an elder law attorney would be a good idea. You can lay it all out and see what your next step should be.
I also think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be wise. The kind of treatment you've received can become so overwhelming that it's hard to see our way forward. You have a right to worry about your future as well as what will happen to your mother, yet it's easy to wonder if caregivers have rights at all.
You've gotten some wonderful advice from this terrific group of people who've all been through a lot. I agree with many of their points. To boil it down, however, I'd say that an appointment with an elder law attorney should be a priority right along with a counselor to help you sort out your own emotional rights in this difficult situation.
We all need support at various times in our lives. Seeking help in various areas is a sign of strength. You've already shown that you have an abundance of strength, so take a couple of extra steps to bolster your support system.
Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol
1. It is in no way illegal for your mother's doctor to discuss with your mother any information that concerns your mother. It is, however, a breach of confidentiality for the doctor to discuss your mother's medical care with you without your mother's explicit consent. If you have concerns about your mother's welfare, you should feel free to report these to her doctor, though: so what if it does get back to your mother, isn't that kind of the point? The idea is to raise the issues.
2. Your mother is at liberty to will her property to whomever she pleases, regardless of merit. That may not be acceptable to you, but it is to the law.
3. You have nothing to fear regarding your mother's cavalier assumption that when the time comes she'll "just move in with" you. If this is not a prospect you welcome, the correct response is: "oh no you won't."
But never mind all that. I'm absolutely sympathetic to how alone you must feel, if you have no one to share your mother's care and your mother's attitude to you is so dismissive. Who are these other relatives? And how much do you have to do with your mother, day to day?
All of us here have gone through that no-man's-land where mom is not bad enough to get custody, but not good enough to be alone. Eventually it changes, and it is usually after a fall and a hospital stay. Good luck to you.
You're an only -- both a blessing and a curse when it comes to watching over our elderly parents. Start looking at nursing homes for mom just in case. She may transition to an assisted living facility. There is no point in using her money to pay for more care than she needs.
But if you are not willing or able to give mom the advanced care she may come to need, be prepared to spend her money on her care. We all save our money for a rainy day. When it starts pouring outside, it's time to spend it.
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