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No one will believe me! I know she's getting dementia. All the relatives just see her very occasionally and always when she's at her "shiniest".
She's like the "elder hero" of the family. 91, so perky, living independently... and all this is a lie. She refuses to use walker, cane as advised by doc. Refuses to get hearing aid deaf in one ear and getting worse.
Her doc has a huge ego, have been advised not to tell the doc as she'll tell Mom - yes even though its illegal.
She also tells tales about me to them to make me look bad, or immature, looks like for years now.
This woman needs to be in a facility, and she just says she'll move in with me when its time.
Does anyone know where I can turn? Only kid here, shame of it is I've never felt lonely, ever, til now.
She's even set the house not to automatically go to me when she dies, but to whomever she wants. I promise you all I've been a good daughter. Nothing else would be acceptable.

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Has it become dangerous for her to be on her own? It's hard to tell from your post what her medical and mobility issues are. Is she falling.? If she has dementia and is uncooperative it will be very hard to get her in care against her will. Would she accept some in home care? Educate yourself about dementia using this site. You have to understand she can no longer be reasoned with. No amount of explaining, correcting or arguing with her will accomplish anything. As she progresses you may have to consider legal guardianship so that you can properly care for her with or with out her consent. It doesn't sound like you're prepared to take her into your home. Some folks do this for years and are able to survive but for most people it becomes totally consuming.
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You should start looking at facilities now. No matter what Mom says, you and your family are your first priority. Your responsibility is to make sure Mom is safe and well cared for but not at the expense of your own health and wellbeing. Tell Mom the truth, you are not able to provide the care she needs on a 24/7 basis. You can visit and be the happy daughter, knowing you have done the best for all concerned. Good luck!
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Thanks for the answers! She's been fiercely independent, with past cancer of the bladder issues, of course high blood pressure, and congestive heart failure. She's been the unnofficial (or so she believes) the matriarch of her family's side as she's the eldest surviving sibling. Its mucho important for her to retain this image, and I fear narcissism plays a big role in this as well.
She is partially incontinent, and yes has fallen. She also managed to keep her falling incident a secret for a while-- scared me as it was the 1st time in years I was under doctor's orders for bedrest with an illness, for a week. Thats when she fell.
No, I can't live with someone who is in such a state of declining health. If I told her that she'd be moving in tomorrow.
I gave up my career to start a new one but I didn't it to be the unpaid ft care of my mom. I'm in my 5th year. She insists she's still able to take the bus, and she is, at times, very grateful for that.
But when she's with me, confused as to what store we're in, it scares me.
But no one else gets to see this, or her rages. They get to see the queen, and quite frankly, they don't want to see anything else... who would?
And they stand in fine line to get the house. So why would they want to be made to think differently, and after they've been fed so much bs about me over the years?
She's been sneaky - she's not been losing that part of her brain.
Have to say.. have never felt so alone, not lonely. Thank God for friends. And this community.
She had full intentions of getting her name on the waiting list at a good facility, 2 years ago. Changed her mind for some reason.
Because I spend upwards of 30 hours/week with her in person and on the phone, thats when she really started to slip.
I had asked a cousin for help 3 years ago when I first noticed it, got nothing. I suppose she noted it, and saw that mom is fine on the special occasions.
Asked her again a year ago if anyone could ever stop in for 30 min. to see her, got nothing. Now, I don't want them to visit as she'd probably give it all away early.

But I do need their help in getting her in to a facility.
How do I protect my rightful inheritance? I know, go see a lawyer.
My biggest battle in this life is, my mom. What is up with that.
Thanks again!
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Sadie, just to correct three salient misunderstandings included in your post:

1. It is in no way illegal for your mother's doctor to discuss with your mother any information that concerns your mother. It is, however, a breach of confidentiality for the doctor to discuss your mother's medical care with you without your mother's explicit consent. If you have concerns about your mother's welfare, you should feel free to report these to her doctor, though: so what if it does get back to your mother, isn't that kind of the point? The idea is to raise the issues.

2. Your mother is at liberty to will her property to whomever she pleases, regardless of merit. That may not be acceptable to you, but it is to the law.

3. You have nothing to fear regarding your mother's cavalier assumption that when the time comes she'll "just move in with" you. If this is not a prospect you welcome, the correct response is: "oh no you won't."

But never mind all that. I'm absolutely sympathetic to how alone you must feel, if you have no one to share your mother's care and your mother's attitude to you is so dismissive. Who are these other relatives? And how much do you have to do with your mother, day to day?
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Just to clarify.. I'm grateful she still occasionally takes the bus to the same 3 places she has, for decades. It amazes people. Its been her freedom.
And, I noticed her starting to slip 3 yrs ago, but only because I spend 30hrs/wk plus with her. And provide at least 4 hot meals/wk for her.
So, to everyone else, she's independent. To me, she's not.
And it looks like its only going to intensify.
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I had the same issues with my mom. I tried EVERYTHING: live in help, building an addition, meals on wheels and she refused it all. She was just so stubborn and mean when I mentioned anything and even when I would visit her. She began fighting with my nephew who was taking care of her and it was making him physically sick. she was also falling and very unsteady on her feet. I looked into assisted living and found a nice one close by. It is expensive but I figure it's mom's money anyway. She called 911 one day about 8 weeks ago and that is when I made the move and took her right to the facility from the hospital. I am her POA so I could do that. She has limited short term memory and makes up stories about things, such as how she got there, and I am always the bad guy. She is there now and says she hates it. She wants to move to Florida o be with "family" but the family there are all very elderly and wouldn't even be able to visit. Now that she is in the ALF she is looking better, has her meds at the right times and is well fed. She wants out but from what I'm hearing it takes about 3 months for them to adjust. It still breaks my heart that she is there and so "unhappy" but I didn't have any options...she was an accident waiting to happen if she stayed in her own home and that guilt would have been much worse then the guilt I have now.
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CountryMouse - thank you!
1. Had been told by another dr. that if I raised concerns in confidence with her dr. that the dr. would have to keep it confidential from her
- if mom found out she'd make my life h*ll - its none of my business, she's fine, period.

2. Sucks, that. I have built myself a good case and will gladly argue against any changes to her will. Not martyrdom, just facts: the wages I've given up these past few years is more than the value of the house; throw in caregiver wages, and we'll see. Hoping for no more battles when this one is over, but life has dished up some surprises, ha.

3. mom owns half the house, me the other. She claims it as hers. I've been placed in dire financial straits, have burned up my money looking to her. Have told her that, she refuses to get it. Any financial complaints are seen as me not being able to look after the house. Also, she'd have to admit that she's not as indie as she thinks.

Mom is phoned 3X/day. Same speel every time. Used to see her 3X/week, avg 8 hour days. Have had to cut it back to 2 since sickness. Gives her more time to think, and this is not good.
Other relatives are her nieces/nephews... she adores her brother's kids. Admonishes.. constantly praises.. so much so other people have commented at times. Where are they? Off, living their lives.
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Thanks Debbie! You echoed my story! And yes thats the only way mom's getting into ALF is after something happens. So you're an enemy too.. good Lord what a strange battle.
So relieved to hear you got her in to a facility! Please stay guilt free. Not worth it. Not one bit. Pass a congrats on to the nephew who also cared for her-- yikes - not for the weak!
As far as I know, I'm still her POA. Guess I have more reading to do. Turns out I could never have the focus or energy for this if I was still working.
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If your mom goes into a nursing home, she'll pay for her care until your rightful inheritance is used up. Then taxpayers will make sure mom isn't floated out to sea. There are ways to protect at least some of it. An elder law attorney can advise you.

You're an only -- both a blessing and a curse when it comes to watching over our elderly parents. Start looking at nursing homes for mom just in case. She may transition to an assisted living facility. There is no point in using her money to pay for more care than she needs.

But if you are not willing or able to give mom the advanced care she may come to need, be prepared to spend her money on her care. We all save our money for a rainy day. When it starts pouring outside, it's time to spend it.
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The trouble comes when you've already spent your money, and/or used up years you would otherwise have devoted to profitable employment, taking care of your parent. I'm in that boat too. Hindsight is such a wonderful thing: so I hope you've done a better job than I did of documenting the actual expenditure; and presumably ownership of the house is down in black-and-white. The hypothetical loss of earnings, though, and the verbal understandings and undertakings - forget it. These have no standing in the world of contract or of probate.
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Maggie, thank you. We do have a fantastic ALF facility that she was set to see, til she changed her mind. I call it my rightful inheritance as she never did give me what my father had willed to me, which includes this house.
Public nursing home and ALF facilities have long waiting lists. I don't care if she uses every last penny on her care - of course thats what its there for.
If there's anything left, I just feel its my inheritance, not some cousins who have always cared less, and still do.
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Sadie, the only way to move her against her will is with a court order and Guardianship. It sounds like she could easily fool the court evaluator and convince him she is well enough to stay where she is.
All of us here have gone through that no-man's-land where mom is not bad enough to get custody, but not good enough to be alone. Eventually it changes, and it is usually after a fall and a hospital stay. Good luck to you.
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Contact a geriatric case/care manager, they may be able to assist you to see the situation from another angle. You can also contact your local area agency on aging, they can give you some options. Dealing with out parents can be difficult and I don't think I have any words of wisdom. Maybe she needs a full medical workup, she could have something medical going on that mimics dementia. She could have dementia. I can't stress enough the importance of planning ahead. completing a durable power of attorney for both financial and medical and completing advance directives/living will is so important. Many people don't want to discuss these issues but if we become incapable of making decisions-who do we want to make them for us and do they know what we want? Keep a log of all the behaviors you notice about your mom, keep the date, the time and when/where/what of the event. You will be able to refer back and maybe distinguish a pattern that could be helpful to her doctor. Good luck
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Country Mouse brings a good point. Here I am, I gave up a great career 6 years ago, sold my jewelry and some antiques, gained 50 lbs, haven't been to a beauty shop, nails, hair, anything in years.

What I failed to think out was the hard cold fact that a pudgy woman, who now looks like she has been hit by a truck, will never be able to step back on the career bus in my mid 50's. All this knowledge and experience in my head and kind of at a loss as how to make some income towards my own retirement. Just venting here, I appreciate all that you have to say and share.
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Hi, I feel for you! My mother was slipping into dementia and becoming more helpless and dependent on me. Whenever we ran into people we know she would pull it together somehow, and everyone would tell me how great she looks. She was hanging on by a thread. As soon as they get some even minor illness they seem to slip deeper and then plateau for a while until everyone notices. I was so frustrated and feeling like the bad guy.Then I started getting concerned phone calls that were a relief and yet also made me sad that this once smart lady is gone. She is still a burden and new challenges replace each problem I solve. There are many phases to this disease. Try to vent your feelings and take frequent breaks. I understand how exhausting some days can be.
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Country mouse is correct here. Coming from the recent experience I've had (Mom has a vicious screaming meltdown in her bank, where she was $16 overdrawn first time in 92 years) and could have had heart failure right there in the cubicle, you need to 1) protect yourself 2) be proactive. Here's a thought for some free legal advice : check your county's courthouse or commissioners office. Most counties here in Florida have an "Ask a Lawyer" program. Once a month, three lawyers volunteer their time and sit facing an assembled group that has legal questions and how to go about a myriad of delicate situations. It's also televised here on the county channel. Folks take turns asking their questions, and not one but each of the three answers with advice. Something to look into, as well as your state's Elder Options. (Yes, it's confusing, and a lot of programs are cancelled for lack of funds, but take heart and persist.) Also: get yourself a spiral notebook to keep a log of who/what/when/why you are speaking to a particular agency/person. Maybe each day you';; only fill three lines or so. Draw a line across after that conversation. Next entry doesn't have to be regarding same issue, or agency. What this does is keep 'extemporaneous' records that will hold up in a court of law should you need to refer to directives from so-and-so on such-a-date to do whatever it relates to. Cover your Tush (CYA) at all times. Once notebook is full, put your begin/end dates on top and go on to the next. I've found this helpful to sort out the dead ends in seeking care/advice/help and prove your due diligence. Sometimes just carrying it with you and displaying your earnestness will make otherwise uncooperative agents and agencies take notice of your requests and move in a positive direction to resolve what you need accomplished.
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Was Dad a veteran? Contact the VA locally (NOT THE 800# - THEY'LL TELL YOU NO AUTOMATICALLY) see if she qualifies for a stipend for caregiver needs.
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SadiePi - Sending hugs your way! It's a tough spot to be in that's for sure. I think we are in similar boats, with stubborn ladies who won't/can't admit they are slipping. And folks around them who are not around enough, or paying attention enough to notice. I think my MIL tends to "Showboat" when she's with others - puts on her best self in public or at family functions. But for those of us caring for her, we get the left overs.

And you know, you mentioned feeling lonely, though not alone. That sums it up for me some days. Just know there are lots of us here who are nodding our heads in agreement with you and we feel in our hearts the same sadness and overwhelmed-ness that you feel too. More [[[hugs]]] are always here too - they won't fix anything, but hopefully they help you feel a little better!
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My mother tricked people for years too. And she kept up her personal appearance well. It's funny how when people 'look good' it's assumed they are. It used to frustrate and (I'll admit it) sometimes anger me. But I've learned that some of what your mom is doing comes from fear. My mother watched as her friends lost their wits and were placed in facilities and it scared her. It's easy to fool folks when they only exchange a couple of sentences with her once every 6 mos., or so. :) My mother had a few 'pat' (general) phrases that she found served her well for casual conversations. She would use them with confidence which added to their authenticity :) Only a day-to-day caregiver knew if the answers being given were correct. People were always telling me how GREAT my mother was doing. Then one day, her cardiologist was asking her questions and caught my tired look. He asked her, "How old are you?" She confidently & somewhat arrogantly snapped, "it's right there in the chart" and glared at him. He smiled and said, "I know - but I want to see if YOU know." She didn't. And unfortunately, dementia brings an additional challenge to care giving. Your first inclination is to ask the person a question - only to realize that the answer may not be accurate. (ie) One day she was in pain and needed to go to a doctor. I asked her questions about the pain, found a doctor that was taking new patients & had an opening. Two hrs later, she didn't remember the conversation and was not having pain. It's difficult to correctly respond to situations when you go into them with incorrect information. So I took her to her PCP for a chat. He knew fairly quickly that dementia had a foothold and saw the hopeless look in my face. He wrote something on his prescription pad and handed it to me: It read ___ has dementia and should not be making financial or health decisions for herself. Then he said 'hope this helps' with any legal issues. Good luck. And walked out.
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It seems like you need to get her away from the doctor who has been enabling this behavior. Since I assume he is getting paid be her insurance he is not going to do anything because her case is very lucrative for him. He gets her health insurance money and probably banks the interest too. You could report him to your state medical board for taking her money and enabling her behavior. Some doctors don't care as long as they are paid. Another side of the coin as well your family members are enabling your mothers behavior because they want something from her so beware of the vipers in sheep's clothing.
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You indicated that you have POA? Is that Financial or Health Care or both? I know this is wicked, but I told my mother that we needed to change her PCP to someone closer to the house or I wouldn't be able to keep taking her. Partially true. She agreed, I changed her PCP that hadn't become so 'close' to her.
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Wow thanks to everyone for their support and advice - it means the world to me. Didn't abandon the thread, just exhausted from the last couple of days. Nothing out of the ordinary, but as another daughter of the same type of mother said, "no one understands that after a day with mom, I'm done for the day."
Own456, I wish I could get her away from her doc, but since they have a mutual fan club, they're tight as tight.
SamLamW - sounds like a dream, the dr. getting it, and providing such valuable input, all in one sentence, even.
Mincemeat - your and my story are the same, me also in my 6th yr into this ft w/no wage and yeah when (and if? it seems at times) this all comes to an end, who's looking to hire an exhausted 50+ who needs a good haircut and (in my case) a good trip to the dentist. I also have been cutting my own hair.. frees up time and now necessary to save money.
Cleverdish, thanks for the word on the great legal advice, and on Vets' coverage! Neither were/are a Veteran. I'll look into any free legal services or similar we have here.
Yogagirl, yes thats whats happening with mom too! And yes after each illness or "procedure" (I think her 2 eye caterac procedures expedited the next level of dementia)
Grateful for all the replies - you've all helped to give me a brighter outlook in dealing with this phase in life.
This phase sure has also taught me a lot about people, family and otherwise.
Wishing everyone peace, love and comfort.
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Dear, your mother is only independent because you are spending your money, wracking your brain and wrecking your health. Step back; say, "I'm sorry mom, I'm getting ill and MY doctor told me I can no longer burn the candle at both ends; I can arrange for aides to come in and help you or you can move to the AL you had picked out". It's called a forced choice. You stick to those two choices. Don't let her argue with you; if she argues, you say, well, you'll have to make those arrangements yourself, I guess.
Look, the hardest thing I EVER did was saying to my mom "Mom, this isn't working out for ME anymore"--responding to the endless emergencies, panic attacks, incidents of high blood pressure. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask. and think about what would happen to your mom is YOU die. She would no longer have a loving advocate. It's worth saving yourself.
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SadiePi , many of us have spent years not earning so that we can stay home to care for loved ones, only to find that as time goes on it's hard to recoup our financial losses (impossible in most cases).

You've also got the house to consider since half of it is yours. With your mother's ability to make others believe her skewed version of things, I think that an elder law attorney would be a good idea. You can lay it all out and see what your next step should be.

I also think that seeing a counselor for yourself would be wise. The kind of treatment you've received can become so overwhelming that it's hard to see our way forward. You have a right to worry about your future as well as what will happen to your mother, yet it's easy to wonder if caregivers have rights at all.

You've gotten some wonderful advice from this terrific group of people who've all been through a lot. I agree with many of their points. To boil it down, however, I'd say that an appointment with an elder law attorney should be a priority right along with a counselor to help you sort out your own emotional rights in this difficult situation.

We all need support at various times in our lives. Seeking help in various areas is a sign of strength. You've already shown that you have an abundance of strength, so take a couple of extra steps to bolster your support system.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.
Carol
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SadiePi , want to add to my comments above that, looking from your earlier statements, you mother thinks that you've betrayed her. That, too, isn't unusual when dementia is part of the mix. Many of us have been there, though you've got a lot tougher situation that most. Again, I want to stress that legal help is a good idea, but seeing a counselor and/or doctor for yourself is a must.

Above all, take care of yourself in this dilemma.
Carol
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