He cannot walk, stand, bathe himself, or go to the bathroom. My elderly mother and I together used to be able to lift him onto a commode, but he has deteriorated so much we can't do that anymore because he's just dead weight now. Because he's 300 lbs and we are no longer able to lift him, he just sits in his own feces in a chair because we are unable to clean him properly. My mother and I are both injured from trying to move/lift him, she's had to go back to using a cane.
He's only 60 but I fear he's beginning to lose his mind. He's become verbally abusive, paranoid, has multiple phobias, severe anxiety, and rage issues he is untreated for. He is totally dead set against going to a rehab facility/home even if he's hurting us. I'm really disappointed in how selfish he's being. If i wear doing this to my family, I'd go in a heartbeat. Anyway, do we have any options to force him?
In desperation, I called APS (adult protective service), they sent me to the elder lawyer...whose manager interviewed me and said, "Honey, there's nothing you can do if your father wants to join your mother." and will contact the senior citizen dept to send someone to do a bereavement counseling on father. Then, I go to the insurance company's customer service and I was told that it would be useless for me to go to the clinic to ask for intervention. Their doctors will do Nothing without seeing father. She gives me a pamphlet - back to APS where I started!
So, as long as you have no POA (power of attorney) , it will be an uphill battle for you to seek help.
Can you call his clinic and ask if they can send a nurse over to do an evaluation on him? Unfortunately, for me to get hospice service for mom, we had to take our dying mother to the clinic so that the doctor can request for hospice service. The hospice refused to return our call unless we see the doctor first. Doctor does not do home visits. Mom passed away without hospice service. We were Winging it and hoping that poor mom was not suffering as her organs started shutting down.....I really really hope that your father's clinic can send Someone to your home! If you can get someone over, see if you can request for a hospital bed. Hopefully your insurance covers most of it. With your father's weight, I strongly do NOT recommend that you two try to lift him. He's going to have to stay in the bed.
As for Rehab - is your father WILLING to do it? After father's stroke 2 years ago, he refused to do Physical therapy. They can't force him. And now he's bedridden. He had a Mild stroke - his left hand (not the arm) can't move but he can move his arm.
Even though he's 60 yrs old, does he qualify for senior citizens program? If he does, please start calling around. Try the govt programs for home care services like Meals on Wheels, a weekly visit by a govt caregiver, etc...
Sorry, I know, too much info. But, pick and choose what fits your needs.
How about saying "Dad, mom and I are not able to care of you. We've tried our best and suffered in the process. You need to go to rehabilitation so you can get stronger and help us care for you. You can refuse to do that, but if you do, we have made plans to move out. We'll call adult protective services once we're gone and you and they can determine how you can continue to live in the house alone." Then, leave the room.
Actually make plans, with a relative or to a hotel (if finances allow). It will help you to stand your ground to know that you do really have options and he isn't the king, he's only behaving like one.
At least they'll have lifts there so he can be moved without destroying people's backs in the process.
Good luck to you. I hope you find what you need. You and your mom can't exist at the whims of a person who can't ambulate and participate in his own care.
I am constantly telling my ex husband and sister that they really need to lose weight for many reasons, but I dealt with my father as he became worse and I just thank God that he was thin enough and strong enough for us to help him around and get him to the bathroom to prevent this situation. It was a real learning experience for me.
Do not feel guilt over what you are doing, this is medically necessary. Your father will form "bedsores" and other infirmities if left as he is. You and your mother are not doing yourselves any favors by hurting yourself to try and move a man too large to move. If you hurt yourself, who will help your Mom, you still have the rest of your life to live, do not do this to yourself.
When my father died several years ago my mother thought I should be able to take over all his jobs and duties he performed around the house because they were always, "Do It Yourself" fixers. I have hurt myself numerous times and now have very bad back problems along with arthritis. Last year, my mother told me to re-roof the workshop and assured me I could do it. I laughed and said, "Not on your life will I attempt that. I am not a man, nor can I lift that stuff nor do I want to!" She was very angry, but so was I, I have a 20 year old daughter and hopefully at least 20 more years of life. I am no longer going to jeopardize my health and wellness for something so stupid and listen to a woman with dementia.
YOU AND MOM NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES, IF YOU DON'T NO ONE ELSE WILL!
God Bless you all on this journey.