My cousin does not know about my sisters and my relation strains with our elderly mother, aged 90. I do not care to share with her about how awful my mom really is. She was very verbally abusive and quite narcissistic in behavior. She can come off as sweet as pie to others but my sisters and I know the real mama. Because of this relationship as well as personally circumstances such as work, money , or downsized living , none of us can take her in. My mother can more than afford assisted living and I spent hours looking for a really nice place that I would consider living in myself. My cousin has always kept in touch with my mom , including visits . She loves my mom . She has no clue what my mom says about her behind her back . Recently my cousin has taken to posting passive aggressive post about the honor of caregiving, about treasuring your parents while you have them -, accompanied by tear jerker photos 🙄- you get the picture. I’ve tried PMing her to explain the situation but the posts continue. I thought I secretly took an online Facebook break from her but she noticed immediately and contacted me about it. I had to say oops , I must have accidentally deleted you 🤣. I’ve been ignoring them ( no likes, no comments ). Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it? thanks.
If she feels strongly about how much of an honor it is to care for someone your cousin can become your mom's caregiver is she feels that strongly about it. I can almost bet that it will not last long.
Continue to look for Assisted Living for mom and ignore the outsiders.
That said, my cousin lives 3500 miles away from me in Staten Island in a 3 story home. I am an only child to a very difficult mother living in Memory Care Assisted Living with advanced dementia, incontinence and about 10 other issues too numerous to mention, at 94.5 years old. I've been handling/managing her entire life for the past 10 years, this time around, since I had to move my folks close to me in 2011 after dad had to quit driving. So now, my sainted cousin has been telling mom she would LOVE to have her come live with HER, that she will make up an in law apartment for her in her house! Her house with stairs. Mom is wheelchair bound, I forgot to mention. An inlaw apartment with a kitchen, which means mom would try to cook & burn the entire house down, with advanced dementia. Hello? What planet are we living on??? I have told my cousin 100x that mom has advanced dementia, has she not noticed when mom talks about 'riding the subway to come visit mama & papa' who have been dead for 36 years and 65 years respectively???? This cousin makes herself out to be The Good Guy and me out to be The Bad Guy b/c why oh why am I not taking in my Poor Sweet Wonderful Mother? Well, first off, b/c she's not sweet & wonderful and also b/c it requires an entire TEAM of care givers to care for the woman 24/7!!!!!!!!!!!! So every time mom says "Oh B would LOVE for me to come live with HER" I say, "Great, when is she coming to PICK YOU UP?" That's when the conversation comes to an abrupt halt & the subject is changed.
I truly hate people who love to instigate and make themselves out to be saints when it's all talk. And talk is cheap. Real life with these narcissistic mothers is something else that nobody understands or can empathize with unless they're stuck in the trenches themselves.
As you can see, your post hit a raw nerve with me. :)
Go ahead & BLOCK your daft cousin on FB and get some peace that way! Good luck!
You can also repeatedly report posts to fb, explore that option.
When I blocked my sister, I had just told her I was done with fb. I also unfriended her known associates. Then, I really closed down fb to the extent that I can make newsfeed adjustments to view a family's birthday. That's it.
I would feel an obligation to secure my mother's privacy on fb by reporting posts that are about her. imo.
Then, let it go. 100%
I called mom and she sounded depressed. Are you sure that she's being taken care off.
I called mom and she said you wouldn't take her _______to get_____
I called mom and she said that you tested positive for Ebola.
I called mom and she said that you refuse to give her parakeet a birthday party.
Best advice for this. Ignore it or fight Passive Aggressive with Passive Aggressive.
My standard reply to stuff like you are getting on FB is "What a Weird thing to say"
I've unfollowed many people on FB and they have no idea ...
Attempting to mount a defense to this stuff is just absorbing time when you could be doing something nice to be kind to yourself.
Do your nails, watch a funny video, make fudge, weed the garden, practice your tuba, don’t spend time on FB SILLINESS.
Honesty is the best policy in any context, though, don't you think? She makes no bones about rubbing salt in your wounds, as though you need the decisions about your mother to be any more painful than they already are. Is this woman singularly insensitive towards anyone but herself? Is there any reason why you can't simply tell her that for the time being you just need a rest?
I agree with the peeps on here - block her. If she persists, give it to her for reals. Tell her what your mom is really like. Nobody is perfect, and I don’t see anything wrong in this day in age with us letting family know how even your “sweet” mom is not perfect. Why the charade? To what end? Who are you really sparing?
Adults can have adult conversations.
Stick some sentimental meme goop of 'family being supportive of other families' choices' or an article on 'respecting others' then ghost away 👻👻 (find that 'unfollow' button).
Sheesh!
I still boil up when I recall being told 'family must help family' after years in the trenches by someone very much at the sidelines. I discussed it fairly politely (that time) but will not engage again. Let them preach elsewhere.
But now here, where health care was iffy at best,
advocating for his care is exhausting. At least, today
he and I have a sense of humor. Locally, there is a
Covid overload. I am an RN, but my dad and I are gracefully
trying to disconnect from those who live in a fantasy world
about care of elders, ( and I mean elders. like over 90).
I haven't refused FB as I do have support from some!
You have my support in ignoring. Please, ignore FB, you can always
say you are using time in self care, or care for your mother; if confronted face to face.
Lot's of people speaking of the "honor", don't actually have to do much.
Tell your cousin EXACTLY what I'm telling you right now.
That you are happy and appreciate that she has a loving and healthy relationship with your mother. Tell her that you and your siblings did not have this kind of experience with your mother. Let her know, without actually quoting your mother because you're not out to ruin their relationship, that she says terrible things about people (your cousin included) behind their backs and has for years.
If this doesn't quiet her social media storm, then tell her that she's more than welcome to have your mother come live with her and she can become her unpaid 24-hour caregiver.
Watch how fast this shuts her sanctimonious a$$ up.
However, if she loves her aunt so much, maybe she'll volunteer to be her caregiver (sarcasm).
You have enough on your hands without having to deal with your cousin who is clueless about the situation.
One thing, does anyone know if she can still reach you through other friends face book pages? If so then you need to block her. With her doing that too you anyway, why would you even want to put yourself through that mess.
And YES. Tell her to take her in and let her live with her.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)?
Your relative is playing a mind game with you. Don't play.
As the daughter of a woman with your mother’s personality, I am sure you have experienced being the target of your mother’s lies and drama. The first time someone could see through my own mother’s lies and manipulation about me, I felt so heard and validated. Your cousins posts are just triggers for you, poking at old and deep wounds.
Block your cousin, and if she calls you about it, ignore her calls. You don’t need to engage in drama with your cousin. If you have to see her at family functions stay away and if confronted, don’t respond and just say you have to go.
You and your sisters have enough to deal with. Support one another and know that there are many of us out there that do understand. Now I wish I have always taken my own advice. I have popped off now and then. But try to move forward calmly knowing you are doing the right thing and get this stupid person out of your life!