My cousin does not know about my sisters and my relation strains with our elderly mother, aged 90. I do not care to share with her about how awful my mom really is. She was very verbally abusive and quite narcissistic in behavior. She can come off as sweet as pie to others but my sisters and I know the real mama. Because of this relationship as well as personally circumstances such as work, money , or downsized living , none of us can take her in. My mother can more than afford assisted living and I spent hours looking for a really nice place that I would consider living in myself. My cousin has always kept in touch with my mom , including visits . She loves my mom . She has no clue what my mom says about her behind her back . Recently my cousin has taken to posting passive aggressive post about the honor of caregiving, about treasuring your parents while you have them -, accompanied by tear jerker photos 🙄- you get the picture. I’ve tried PMing her to explain the situation but the posts continue. I thought I secretly took an online Facebook break from her but she noticed immediately and contacted me about it. I had to say oops , I must have accidentally deleted you 🤣. I’ve been ignoring them ( no likes, no comments ). Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it? thanks.
Keep in mind that she'll still be posting them. Others in the family see the posts and she's probably told more than one person she posts to get your attention. Instead of blocking, why not just add a comment to her post - 'Agreed' Let her think about that a while.
Your mom is in assisted living and being taken care of - she saved her money for old age and she's using it for that very thing. You aren't in a position to handle the caregiving, she can afford it, so no guilt. PLUS if you go visit her, it's all visit. No working your butt off and not really getting to visit.
The ones who prattle on about what a blessing it is, likely NEVER cared for their lost parent and have no clue what all we go through. And although I adore my mom and always had a very close relationship with her...this has messed with me physically and I need surgery on my neck but cant do it until she no longer needs me because I wont be able to change her undergarments and give her bedbaths for at least a month...so I suffer chronic pain and dizziness.
I would just snooze the cousin...and ignore her otherwise.
My best advise is to ignore it.
I too have a very narcissistic mother. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I have come to learn that NO ONE, and I mean absolutely no one, understands what it is like to have a narcissistic mother unless they've been there. I am caregiver to mine and have been for several years. It's been a horrible experience. My sister, unfortunately, is just now realizing how bad mom really is. My sister being the Golden Child. I have sought so much counseling and have come to accept that it's best not to try to convince anyone of her sickness. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a mental, maybe chemical imbalance and physical issue. Narcissists are unable to feel empathy, also have an inability to bond. Try researching Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, you may be surprised as to how many of us suffer in silence. You'll find a lot of validation and understanding. I have driven myself nuts trying to explain to close friends and even boyfriends why I have hated her and now just feel sorry for her. My sister won't step up to help care for mom other than 2 night visits every 6 weeks. My mother also used up all of her money, so now we can't afford assisted living for her. I had started caring for her when I was unaware of NPD and now not being able to work because of caring for her and a 2 year bout with severe debilitating depression, I can't afford to move.
I hope I can give you a glimmer of hope and that is that the disorder has dissipated the older she gets and the worse her dementia is. She is 96 now. She's a very happy person and the dementia isn't as difficult to deal with as when she was in full NPD mode, gaslighting me and her passive aggressiveness.
Anyway, like I said, it's less crazy-making to just ignore her. There is no convincing anyone else that's unaware of the subtle abuse that slowly debilitates a daughter. Most people believe that "A mother always loves her child", and it's just not the case. People with NPD are sadly incapable of unconditional love, there's a glitch in them somewhere.
Take care, my heart goes out to you.
As far as social media like Facebook is concerned, have confidence in who you are in Christ and then ignore their insults.
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run . . .
It is either time to walk away or to RUN . . . from even looking at cousin's stuff.
It just irritated the crap out of me, so manipulative and preachy. Like yeah I already feel like crap thanks for the extra helping of anticipatory grief so I will certainly be sure to really feel like hell when she's gone as if I wouldn't. But such is FB and the posters don't know the reality of your situation but yeah, the assumption that you somehow need reminding of how they think you SHOULD feel is infuriating. You have no need whatsoever to explain anything to her. I think it just encourages more posting of this useless crap.
Rant over.
Man oh man, I hear ya...
My sibling is a narcissist. I was a wreck, trying to jump through all of sib’s hoops with all of her demands, to keep sib happy so as to not make my parent unhappy. Parent had no clue how demanding sib was being - and turns out sib had no standing with the demands. My counselor turned me onto the 2 books I note above, and then I did further reading. Then I had a conversation with my parent, who is a normal person, not a disordered personality, and clued parent into the demands, etc. Between my parent telling sib to stoppitnow, counseling and learning, and getting an elder law attorney involved (I am POA), things are now smooth sailing.
My situation differs a bit from yours, obviously, but the commonalities are the cr*p actions generated from someone who is messed up. Unfollow on FB, as others have suggested. Get some counseling, if you can. I worked with an EMDR practitioner, and am doing well now. 3 months ago? Nope. But now is so much better.
I am unclear what your mom’s living situation is now. If still at home, get as much in home respite care as you can, to give yourself breaks, and the care you deserve. If she has move to AL, then visit infrequently, and if mom crosses boundaries, have a set phrase like, “I’ll see you next visit,” and leave.
Please read the books, if only to gain understanding of how messed up some of the stuff we perceive is normal. My narcissistic sib? I grew up with that, it’s what I knew, so it seemed normal to me. I am grateful to my counselor for getting me on the right, healthy, track.
That's my standard answer as I have family and friends who practically live on social media and think I should too. I am always getting the question: didn't you see it? I posted it! 🤣 A lot, but not all know my situation and the ones that do don't get it because they are not caregivers.
Between work, caregiving and trying to fit everything else in between, I just don't have the time except to hop on real quick and wish Happy Birthdays for the day- I do like to keep up with that.
Best wishes as you navigate these waters with your cousin.
Living with mom has proven difficult. Not just because of all the help she needs but because our personalities clash. She is also a narcissist.
If your mother can afford it and is well enough to live in assisted living, go forward with it. It is not an uncaring or unloving thing to do. It sounds like it will be best for you, your sister, and your mother.
As far as social media...I feel it's also an energy sucker. Get rid of all negative energy. You need all the good energy coming your way to take care of your mom.
God Bless you in this journey.
We Find Ourselves,” and can be found on the Apple Podcast App.
God bless all of you who are traveling the lonely road of caregiving. I was in that role briefly a while back and have a deep appreciation for the ministry it provides.
I am now helping with my 18-month-old grandson, who is undergoing chemotherapy for a brain tumor. Some of what he has had to endure has shaken me to my core. But, I have felt the help of people’s prayers.
When you are feeling your lowest, please remind yourself that someone somewhere is lifting you in prayer.
If she calls and wants to know why you blocked her, don't answer the phone. Be done with her. If she emails, or writes dont answer. She doesn't get to dictate your life. If she shows up at yor house, don't answer the door even if she sees you in the house looking right at her. She is negative, and only adding to your stress. She will probably complain to your mom and siblings. So what? Who cares. Shut her down, shut her out. Be done with it! She will get worse, then it will subside when she doesn't get compliance, and no reaction. BE DONE WITH HER. She is not your friend. You don't owe her any explanation to anything. Including why you cut her off. Do you realize she is doing her best to control you? Another narc. Probably doing your mom's bidding.
Since she isn't volunteering to do daily care, so what. She doesn't get a say. Period.
Why are you allowing yourself to be abused, humiliated, and told what to do? STOP!
Your mom is also to blame. Narcissists LOVE to pit people against each other. That is standard. That is probably why you and siblings don't get along. Divide and conquer. Your siblings and you can't gang up on your mom. She controls everyone and pulls the strings. Sits back and watches the fireworks. Doesn't lift a finger to fix it. Laughs her butt off everyone is upset and fighting. She is controlling everyone. I know this from experience. Had exact same thing done.
Dont be surprised if she calls/visits mom to complain. Shows up and is sweetness and nice to your mom.
Ignore it. But watch your mom isn't doing any will changes. You do all the heavy work taking care of her, then find out the cousin is now executor. Or something like that. People do that all the time. Was she always worried about your mom or just recently.
Your mom is loving that your relative is sooo concerned. Where are her parents? Go worry about them.
You need to shut that down now and be done with it. But keep an eye on what your mom is up to.
You are in control of you and how you react. After your mom gets into a place you can sat whi is allowed to visit. Tell them she works up your mom and stirs up the entire family. She is TOXIC. Caring for a parent is hard enuff.
You hit the nail on the head.
This is also my situation.
It would sure suck if there were Will or EPOA changes.
I updated my parents’ lawyer regularly with the situation, so there was a documented timeline.
Best wishes to you and your siblings, to find a way to end the energy sapping extra burden your cousin is subjecting you to.