My cousin does not know about my sisters and my relation strains with our elderly mother, aged 90. I do not care to share with her about how awful my mom really is. She was very verbally abusive and quite narcissistic in behavior. She can come off as sweet as pie to others but my sisters and I know the real mama. Because of this relationship as well as personally circumstances such as work, money , or downsized living , none of us can take her in. My mother can more than afford assisted living and I spent hours looking for a really nice place that I would consider living in myself. My cousin has always kept in touch with my mom , including visits . She loves my mom . She has no clue what my mom says about her behind her back . Recently my cousin has taken to posting passive aggressive post about the honor of caregiving, about treasuring your parents while you have them -, accompanied by tear jerker photos 🙄- you get the picture. I’ve tried PMing her to explain the situation but the posts continue. I thought I secretly took an online Facebook break from her but she noticed immediately and contacted me about it. I had to say oops , I must have accidentally deleted you 🤣. I’ve been ignoring them ( no likes, no comments ). Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it? thanks.
Hide her posts or block her.
I took care of my Grandmother for 10 years (age 90-100). Most caretakers know it is all consuming, physically, emotionally, etc. No time or energy left over for a life at all. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I am one of 7 grandchildren, but I was the only one willing to do it (while trying to work and taking care of my baby granddaughter when my daughter worked nights). I think there are many out there that understand.
SO, I have a relative who is a politician that visited a couple times a year to take pics and videos with Gram (in the house, now let's go outside and pretend to garden, etc). This all wound up on their Political Profile and their personal profile on FB as such a humanitarian that was caretaking for the Grandmother!
I know the truth, God knows the truth......I unfollowed and eventually blocked this family member. I told them we had different views on things and thought it was best to keep our relationship off FB. People in the know, called me and sent me messages. They were so upset and thought I should do a big confrontation thing and call them out on their misleading information. I told my friends the gate to heaven was not through Facebook. In the end I began to feel bad for them for having to go to such lengths to look good. I only care how God sees me, not the FB world.
God Bless You for all the work you do, the crying you do when no one is looking and the emotional toll it takes on you.
I have a granddaughter who is abrasive n makes up stories. She scream loud n long at me making no sense
.she isc36, has the greatest 6 yr old, but visits are few.
Im in my 80s n don't want to drive a 7 hr trip by myself.
Her husband tried to help resolve our problems.... n she lashes out at him as well.
The only family i have left.
After 33 good years, the death of my daughter, brother and husband I need her.
But one visit she put her while bodybintonscreaming.. not 1st time, that I finally said she was not welcome to visit.
Now her husband is pulling away.
I see my lovely sweet gr. Granddaughter once it twice a yr.
Last visit arrived. At 6nom Sat. At 8 pm bed, and by 9.30 am next day left.
I was going to move closer after my husband died, 5 years ago, but she said no.
So i am not putting up with this behavior. This has to stop.
I think you need to do the same. Your health is important.
I have been in a very similar situation. As the only daughter and POA 95% of the responsibilities for mom have been on me … for 11 years. (I am 65.). My mother has no insight, in the past stuck her nose in my business constantly and has tried to control me. She caused me a lot of problems. My older brother helps with mom, but hides behind his work. My younger brother does nothing and rarely contacts mom. He does not understand the depth of responsibility and stress. (He hasn’t even visited mom despite her being on hospice care for 5-6 weeks. He lives 20 minutes away. There’s always an excuse though.)
My mom and I are in a fairly good relationship now. Some of her assertiveness towards me has lessened.
Here are a couple of things I’ve learned and I hope you find them helpful:
1). In the end, you will be glad you have been there for your mother despite her personality.
2). Do what is right for you, ignore what other people say or do.
3). I deleted my Facebook account due to relatives and it was freeing.
4). As long as you follow your heart and do the right thing NO ONE SHOULD EVER question or criticize you.
Best wishes and please take care of yourself.
You don’t have to comment on her FB posts at all. No explanation required or apology.
I went through similar antics.
If she calls and wants to know why you blocked her, don't answer the phone. Be done with her. If she emails, or writes dont answer. She doesn't get to dictate your life. If she shows up at yor house, don't answer the door even if she sees you in the house looking right at her. She is negative, and only adding to your stress. She will probably complain to your mom and siblings. So what? Who cares. Shut her down, shut her out. Be done with it! She will get worse, then it will subside when she doesn't get compliance, and no reaction. BE DONE WITH HER. She is not your friend. You don't owe her any explanation to anything. Including why you cut her off. Do you realize she is doing her best to control you? Another narc. Probably doing your mom's bidding.
Since she isn't volunteering to do daily care, so what. She doesn't get a say. Period.
Why are you allowing yourself to be abused, humiliated, and told what to do? STOP!
Your mom is also to blame. Narcissists LOVE to pit people against each other. That is standard. That is probably why you and siblings don't get along. Divide and conquer. Your siblings and you can't gang up on your mom. She controls everyone and pulls the strings. Sits back and watches the fireworks. Doesn't lift a finger to fix it. Laughs her butt off everyone is upset and fighting. She is controlling everyone. I know this from experience. Had exact same thing done.
Dont be surprised if she calls/visits mom to complain. Shows up and is sweetness and nice to your mom.
Ignore it. But watch your mom isn't doing any will changes. You do all the heavy work taking care of her, then find out the cousin is now executor. Or something like that. People do that all the time. Was she always worried about your mom or just recently.
Your mom is loving that your relative is sooo concerned. Where are her parents? Go worry about them.
You need to shut that down now and be done with it. But keep an eye on what your mom is up to.
You are in control of you and how you react. After your mom gets into a place you can sat whi is allowed to visit. Tell them she works up your mom and stirs up the entire family. She is TOXIC. Caring for a parent is hard enuff.
You hit the nail on the head.
This is also my situation.
It would sure suck if there were Will or EPOA changes.
I updated my parents’ lawyer regularly with the situation, so there was a documented timeline.
Best wishes to you and your siblings, to find a way to end the energy sapping extra burden your cousin is subjecting you to.
We Find Ourselves,” and can be found on the Apple Podcast App.
God bless all of you who are traveling the lonely road of caregiving. I was in that role briefly a while back and have a deep appreciation for the ministry it provides.
I am now helping with my 18-month-old grandson, who is undergoing chemotherapy for a brain tumor. Some of what he has had to endure has shaken me to my core. But, I have felt the help of people’s prayers.
When you are feeling your lowest, please remind yourself that someone somewhere is lifting you in prayer.
Living with mom has proven difficult. Not just because of all the help she needs but because our personalities clash. She is also a narcissist.
If your mother can afford it and is well enough to live in assisted living, go forward with it. It is not an uncaring or unloving thing to do. It sounds like it will be best for you, your sister, and your mother.
As far as social media...I feel it's also an energy sucker. Get rid of all negative energy. You need all the good energy coming your way to take care of your mom.
God Bless you in this journey.
That's my standard answer as I have family and friends who practically live on social media and think I should too. I am always getting the question: didn't you see it? I posted it! 🤣 A lot, but not all know my situation and the ones that do don't get it because they are not caregivers.
Between work, caregiving and trying to fit everything else in between, I just don't have the time except to hop on real quick and wish Happy Birthdays for the day- I do like to keep up with that.
Best wishes as you navigate these waters with your cousin.
My sibling is a narcissist. I was a wreck, trying to jump through all of sib’s hoops with all of her demands, to keep sib happy so as to not make my parent unhappy. Parent had no clue how demanding sib was being - and turns out sib had no standing with the demands. My counselor turned me onto the 2 books I note above, and then I did further reading. Then I had a conversation with my parent, who is a normal person, not a disordered personality, and clued parent into the demands, etc. Between my parent telling sib to stoppitnow, counseling and learning, and getting an elder law attorney involved (I am POA), things are now smooth sailing.
My situation differs a bit from yours, obviously, but the commonalities are the cr*p actions generated from someone who is messed up. Unfollow on FB, as others have suggested. Get some counseling, if you can. I worked with an EMDR practitioner, and am doing well now. 3 months ago? Nope. But now is so much better.
I am unclear what your mom’s living situation is now. If still at home, get as much in home respite care as you can, to give yourself breaks, and the care you deserve. If she has move to AL, then visit infrequently, and if mom crosses boundaries, have a set phrase like, “I’ll see you next visit,” and leave.
Please read the books, if only to gain understanding of how messed up some of the stuff we perceive is normal. My narcissistic sib? I grew up with that, it’s what I knew, so it seemed normal to me. I am grateful to my counselor for getting me on the right, healthy, track.
It just irritated the crap out of me, so manipulative and preachy. Like yeah I already feel like crap thanks for the extra helping of anticipatory grief so I will certainly be sure to really feel like hell when she's gone as if I wouldn't. But such is FB and the posters don't know the reality of your situation but yeah, the assumption that you somehow need reminding of how they think you SHOULD feel is infuriating. You have no need whatsoever to explain anything to her. I think it just encourages more posting of this useless crap.
Rant over.
Man oh man, I hear ya...
You've got to know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run . . .
It is either time to walk away or to RUN . . . from even looking at cousin's stuff.