My cousin does not know about my sisters and my relation strains with our elderly mother, aged 90. I do not care to share with her about how awful my mom really is. She was very verbally abusive and quite narcissistic in behavior. She can come off as sweet as pie to others but my sisters and I know the real mama. Because of this relationship as well as personally circumstances such as work, money , or downsized living , none of us can take her in. My mother can more than afford assisted living and I spent hours looking for a really nice place that I would consider living in myself. My cousin has always kept in touch with my mom , including visits . She loves my mom . She has no clue what my mom says about her behind her back . Recently my cousin has taken to posting passive aggressive post about the honor of caregiving, about treasuring your parents while you have them -, accompanied by tear jerker photos 🙄- you get the picture. I’ve tried PMing her to explain the situation but the posts continue. I thought I secretly took an online Facebook break from her but she noticed immediately and contacted me about it. I had to say oops , I must have accidentally deleted you 🤣. I’ve been ignoring them ( no likes, no comments ). Any ideas to stop it or should I just move forward and ignore it? thanks.
You don’t have to comment on her FB posts at all. No explanation required or apology.
I went through similar antics.
I have been in a very similar situation. As the only daughter and POA 95% of the responsibilities for mom have been on me … for 11 years. (I am 65.). My mother has no insight, in the past stuck her nose in my business constantly and has tried to control me. She caused me a lot of problems. My older brother helps with mom, but hides behind his work. My younger brother does nothing and rarely contacts mom. He does not understand the depth of responsibility and stress. (He hasn’t even visited mom despite her being on hospice care for 5-6 weeks. He lives 20 minutes away. There’s always an excuse though.)
My mom and I are in a fairly good relationship now. Some of her assertiveness towards me has lessened.
Here are a couple of things I’ve learned and I hope you find them helpful:
1). In the end, you will be glad you have been there for your mother despite her personality.
2). Do what is right for you, ignore what other people say or do.
3). I deleted my Facebook account due to relatives and it was freeing.
4). As long as you follow your heart and do the right thing NO ONE SHOULD EVER question or criticize you.
Best wishes and please take care of yourself.
I have a granddaughter who is abrasive n makes up stories. She scream loud n long at me making no sense
.she isc36, has the greatest 6 yr old, but visits are few.
Im in my 80s n don't want to drive a 7 hr trip by myself.
Her husband tried to help resolve our problems.... n she lashes out at him as well.
The only family i have left.
After 33 good years, the death of my daughter, brother and husband I need her.
But one visit she put her while bodybintonscreaming.. not 1st time, that I finally said she was not welcome to visit.
Now her husband is pulling away.
I see my lovely sweet gr. Granddaughter once it twice a yr.
Last visit arrived. At 6nom Sat. At 8 pm bed, and by 9.30 am next day left.
I was going to move closer after my husband died, 5 years ago, but she said no.
So i am not putting up with this behavior. This has to stop.
I think you need to do the same. Your health is important.
Hide her posts or block her.
I took care of my Grandmother for 10 years (age 90-100). Most caretakers know it is all consuming, physically, emotionally, etc. No time or energy left over for a life at all. It was the hardest thing I have had to do in my life. I am one of 7 grandchildren, but I was the only one willing to do it (while trying to work and taking care of my baby granddaughter when my daughter worked nights). I think there are many out there that understand.
SO, I have a relative who is a politician that visited a couple times a year to take pics and videos with Gram (in the house, now let's go outside and pretend to garden, etc). This all wound up on their Political Profile and their personal profile on FB as such a humanitarian that was caretaking for the Grandmother!
I know the truth, God knows the truth......I unfollowed and eventually blocked this family member. I told them we had different views on things and thought it was best to keep our relationship off FB. People in the know, called me and sent me messages. They were so upset and thought I should do a big confrontation thing and call them out on their misleading information. I told my friends the gate to heaven was not through Facebook. In the end I began to feel bad for them for having to go to such lengths to look good. I only care how God sees me, not the FB world.
God Bless You for all the work you do, the crying you do when no one is looking and the emotional toll it takes on you.
As the daughter of a woman with your mother’s personality, I am sure you have experienced being the target of your mother’s lies and drama. The first time someone could see through my own mother’s lies and manipulation about me, I felt so heard and validated. Your cousins posts are just triggers for you, poking at old and deep wounds.
Block your cousin, and if she calls you about it, ignore her calls. You don’t need to engage in drama with your cousin. If you have to see her at family functions stay away and if confronted, don’t respond and just say you have to go.
You and your sisters have enough to deal with. Support one another and know that there are many of us out there that do understand. Now I wish I have always taken my own advice. I have popped off now and then. But try to move forward calmly knowing you are doing the right thing and get this stupid person out of your life!
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Games_People_Play_(book)?
Your relative is playing a mind game with you. Don't play.
One thing, does anyone know if she can still reach you through other friends face book pages? If so then you need to block her. With her doing that too you anyway, why would you even want to put yourself through that mess.
And YES. Tell her to take her in and let her live with her.
However, if she loves her aunt so much, maybe she'll volunteer to be her caregiver (sarcasm).
You have enough on your hands without having to deal with your cousin who is clueless about the situation.
Tell your cousin EXACTLY what I'm telling you right now.
That you are happy and appreciate that she has a loving and healthy relationship with your mother. Tell her that you and your siblings did not have this kind of experience with your mother. Let her know, without actually quoting your mother because you're not out to ruin their relationship, that she says terrible things about people (your cousin included) behind their backs and has for years.
If this doesn't quiet her social media storm, then tell her that she's more than welcome to have your mother come live with her and she can become her unpaid 24-hour caregiver.
Watch how fast this shuts her sanctimonious a$$ up.
But now here, where health care was iffy at best,
advocating for his care is exhausting. At least, today
he and I have a sense of humor. Locally, there is a
Covid overload. I am an RN, but my dad and I are gracefully
trying to disconnect from those who live in a fantasy world
about care of elders, ( and I mean elders. like over 90).
I haven't refused FB as I do have support from some!
You have my support in ignoring. Please, ignore FB, you can always
say you are using time in self care, or care for your mother; if confronted face to face.
Lot's of people speaking of the "honor", don't actually have to do much.
Stick some sentimental meme goop of 'family being supportive of other families' choices' or an article on 'respecting others' then ghost away 👻👻 (find that 'unfollow' button).
Sheesh!
I still boil up when I recall being told 'family must help family' after years in the trenches by someone very much at the sidelines. I discussed it fairly politely (that time) but will not engage again. Let them preach elsewhere.
I agree with the peeps on here - block her. If she persists, give it to her for reals. Tell her what your mom is really like. Nobody is perfect, and I don’t see anything wrong in this day in age with us letting family know how even your “sweet” mom is not perfect. Why the charade? To what end? Who are you really sparing?
Adults can have adult conversations.