Have any of you had success with Teepa Snow’s methods? I doubt that I can ever be as patient with my spouse. I’m ashamed of my resentment.

I engaged in Teepa's on-line webinars for 1-2 years (several years ago).

Teepa would be the FIRST to discourage you from feeling shame and reframe these feelings to self-care, self-compassion, self-acceptance. She would likely immediately say "you need support;" ... you are (trying to) do too much and you cannot physically / humanly do it.

* You need to take care of yourself before you can effectively take care of another.
* Get caregivers or so whatever you need to do to SUPPORT YOURSELF first.
* It is 'more easy' to be patient when we are fully functioning ourselves and yet, this is rarely possible when we are responsible for another with disabilities (you indicate).

* Call Teepa's office. They will offer support.
* Gain local support (friends, neighbors, church, Next Door (?) -
* Contact universities to hire master level students in the fields of counseling, geriatrics, social worker - to help you.

Teepa's videos / work / education / trainings are excellent. However, nothing is 'black or white' - we are all shades of gray and need to give ourself compassion for what we can and cannot do. Teepa would be the first to encourage self-care, knowing how difficult this 'work' is.

I would encourage you to continue to watch her videos and ... not take them so literally - she is brilliant in how she responds to individuals with dementia. She is like a basketball player weaving through the opposing team to magically make that basket. It is amazing (for me) to watch her in action. Still, you cannot compare what she can / does with what you can / do. You do what you can and that is all anyone could ask of a loving partner.

YOU need to get support for yourself.
Provide the compassion to yourself that you wish to provide to your husband.

Gena / Touch Matters

Do not be ashamed of your resentment. At least you are trying at your age of 80. I am sure it is exhausting. This is very hard work.

I have watched several Teepa videos and found them information and interesting although not practical to me. I am not a caregiver but did my best with my parents. They did without nothing and I carefully hired caregivers.

My husband's aunt is 94 and we are active with her care but she has caregivers too. God bless all the caregivers who are so patient and kind.

Mom & Dad were angels to their caregivers but gave me and sister hell. I know that is normal behavior.

Take care of yourself.

Teepa Snow is the best! Just go along with whatever he is saying. You have to step into his new world, and he cannot be brought back to reality. So go along and then distract, maybe with food. When he asks the same thing over and over, just answer. He won’t stop asking until he progresses further into the disease. Call a home care company and arrange respite for yourself, or find an adult daycare. If you get time to yourself you will be in better condition to take care off him.

Sorry for your tough situation. Your husband sounds pretty bad to me so don't belittle your situation. My mom wasn't losing all those things but was mixing up her remote with her phone. And boy oh boy do I feel you on the repetition. It's so darn boring. Difficult. Just try to give a vague answer and move on. While it's right that he can't help it, most dementia behaviors are difficult and annoying to deal with.

Sorry you're sick with diverticulitis. Who could blame you for being cranky! I can see why you might feel a bit of dread about your future. So, let's find some ways that you can brighten your future. You can't get rid of his dementia but I strongly suggest you get lots of help at home or move into assisted living together - maybe into a 2 bedroom so as he progresses and needs more help you could hire someone to help him and be able to get some rest in your own room.

Do you have your affairs in order? Wills, living wills, POAs? If not, do it ASAP.

Don't worry about Teepa. If you don't like it, move on to other suggestions. Take what you can from her or anyone and don't worry about the things that don't work for you.

Best of luck.

Glad to have found this thread. I have been feeling very defeated recently, and wondered which Teepa video did I miss that would bring relief. I spent most of today trying to channel the Teepa vibe in order help my mom remove her soaking wet clothes and Depends, trying to be very low key and listen to her. But all that results in is that she remains wet and miserable. So yes, my agenda didn't align with my mom's, but being respectful of that didn't help her any. Today I decided I can't do this anymore. I can't keep her safe and well at home with me, so I need to turn her over to the pros.

Don’t feel ashamed about how you feel. You are exhausted!

There is no ‘one size fits all’ in caregiving! You are doing the very best that you can. Many hugs sent your way.

Teepa’s company trains many caregivers in facility settings.

These people work shifts, then go home.

They may not even work full-time.

Most of them are probably under 65.

You, on the other hand, are doing all the work of ALL those caregivers, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You don’t get to leave your job and go to another location to rest, and re-energize.

I bet even Teepa herself, would lose her patience if she was 80, and doing round the clock care, solo.

angeletta2042: Your DH (Dear Husband) may require managed care facility living. You're trying, as an elder yourself, to care for your DH in the home setting. However, you may absolutely require help and facility care would allow many individuals to care for him in lieu of just you. Try as you may (you've already been dx'd with diverticulitis), your strength may wane. I have perused some of Teepa's helpful videos. There again, Teepa Snow is a great instructor, but do not strive to be likened to her.

For me Teepa's message is more about understanding how those with dementia see the world and learning to adapt to that than it is about learning helpful techniques. The most useful videos I've seen are the "making visits count" series,

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLVl8vTLjje8ESAEvpjVoVTEK-_6X2jTdl

as well as those like this one where she training staff at a facility

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNznZ2MnV3I

Unfortunately some of my favourite videos are no longer available.

In terms of meds, my mother's pcp prescribed Lexapro (Escitalopram) and it worked wonders for her. She was diagnosed with dementia spring of 2022. When she forgets to take it, she is very sad and pitiful, sort of whiney. But when she is taking it regularly, she's her talkative, jolly self.

Teepa Snow: People’s brains are dying. I can’t stop it! I can’t even halt it and in reality, I can’t slow down the death of brain cells—I mean I can’t personally. What I can do is help you use what you have left at any moment in time. So, if you have something left—I feel like it’s my job to work with you. I will not ask you for what you don’t have at that moment, whether it’s chemical or structural.
             Leading caregiving expert Teepa Snow has studied how brain function changes after a dementia diagnosis and how understanding these changes can improve the ways families care for their loved ones. 
Snow often uses roleplaying to illustrate what a person with dementia is experiencing at each stage
She suggests that understanding what is happening to your loved one’s brain and what they are thinking will improve the.
Matilda

Your husband needs to be placed into a facility.

I have watched a few of Teepa Snow's videos. Yes, the videos show effective techniques that may work for some people some time. However in my situation with my demented mother, Teepa's techniques are deliberately slow and patient, so much so that they numb my mind. I end up even more tired and frustrated. I'm the solo caregiver 24/7/365. I need to be way more quick about things with my mom or I get nothing done and no rest. This is just my experience. I have arranged mom's placement in board and care in a few weeks. I hope you find something that works for you.

I found her helpful, but that is not to say that I had more patience with my mother. Knowledge is good, but it will never make us perfect. Forgive yourself. Mostly, I want to suggest taking this line out of your language: "He isn't even that bad yet compared to others." It's not a contest. Your wheelhouse is yours and some one else's has no bearing. And oh my goodness, take care of you! If you can afford it, find different care for him. You are not obligated to die for your husband. If you can find a safe place for him, then you can continue to just be his wife. Sending hugs.

When my mother was more middle-stage with her dementia she was angry, agitated, anxious, frightened, mean, at times a little violent, paranoid, and difficult - and no amount of Teepa Snow techniques worked at all. I tried, her trained caregivers tried, and it simply had no effect and at times made her worse. She would yell, "Quit patronizing me!" She couldn't listen or even understand what we were doing, all she knew was that we were wrong and her enemies, no matter what we did or how we did it. It was hard, and of course I couldn't be 100% patient and free from resentment all the time.

What DID work? Meds. She was too anxious and terrified and we had to give her medications to help her just get through her days without extreme misery, or hurting herself and others. I don't regret medicating her a bit, because she could finally relax, sleep, and smile again, and sometimes we could even enjoy each other. She stopped screaming at me so much and hating me for "doing this to her." She still had episodes and was at times angry, but not violent or rage-filled as before. After many, many months (years, actually) of this, her Alzheimer's advanced more and she became sweet and docile again. Now, I can be patient with her and the Teepa Snow-type suggestions are, at times, helpful. But on their own they were not for us and I felt so discouraged and upset because I was desperate for help and her videos made me feel like I wasn't being patient enough, and like I was doing wrong by my mother. I wasn't. Her Alzheimer's did her wrong, not me. I know that now, looking back. Teepa Snow is great but not when you have a more extreme case. I feel so sad for people who watch those videos and don't find any help or hope, and end up feeling worse or like failures.

I would suggest getting as much help as you can, so you get regular breaks. It's too much to handle for one person. When you burn out, you have no patience left and yes, you give in to that resentment, which is 100% human and happens to everyone. But you need to make some changes so that you're not feeling impatient or resentful all the time, you deserve to feel better and your spouse deserves the most and best care available.

Teepa's teachings have helped me greatly. They've demystified dementia. When you hear the diagnosis and start to take care of your loved one, you get NOTHING from the doctors. No care advice, no stages and events to look for...nothing.
Once I realized it's just ongoing brain damage I lost resentment and gained more compassion.
I find the ones who think that "it's their real personalities coming out" are misguided and cruel. The patient has no control over what part of their brains activate, when they activate, or what kind of screwball thing might emerge.
I still get upset but realize there is nothing personal about any of the awful things that happen and are said. It's just brain damage...

I never had any occasion to try any of Teepa Snow's advice, but don't beat yourself up too much for being frustrated and on your last nerve! If your husband has any form of progressive dementia, his memory is not going to improve with any kinds of "techniques." The repetition is indeed crazy-making. For him, each question is brand new. To the best of your ability, answer as if you had not just been asked the same question 15 times in the last 10 minutes. If you have the resources to do so, you might hire some part-time help if only to answer questions for a couple of hours while you take a break. Go to the store? Take a 10-mile car trip? Something all by yourself out of the house and away from the questions and annoying behaviors. If you can't get out of the house but had someone else there for a while, maybe you could at least go to another part of the house and not be the one to answer answer answer . . .

Be sure that you have a plan that works for both you and your husband. Dementia doesn't get better, it is likely to get worse. Get help with housekeeping and other tasks, if you can. There may come a time when caring for your husband is too much for you to do alone. At that point your (and his) options are getting in-home care or moving to a facility. There are some nice assisted living/memory care facilities. You might find one that is appropriate for both of you. They take care of everything: meals, housekeeping, laundry, activities, have a 24 hour a day nurse on staff, and have professional staff that know how to handle all stages of dementia. Ask for help and get connect with a local social worker who can explain all of the benefits that are available for you (as a disabled family caregiver and for your husband).

Hi! I am in a similar situation...repeating myself is very difficult, when, as you say, he can't help it. Fortunately, it is getting easier, and I am optimistic about the future, as he is 86, and is doing physical therapy to get more mobile. As long as he is trying, I have more patience in dealing with the little problems that are best forgotten. If you are lucky enough to have empathetic neighbors, they are a tremendous help. Also, sometimes, just a short chat with one of them puts things in perspective. I wish the Sunday dinners were still something we enjoyed, but I try to do my best on Sunday to make it special. We live in a 55+ community, and if I'm feeling stressed, I can walk outside and hopefully run into someone with whom I can talk for awhile, and that really helps.

One thing that helps a lot is our 6 year old Cocker Spaniel, Charley. He always lightens the mood, although sometimes needs attention himself. My husband loves to play with him, and enjoy his presence. Taking him for a walk is also helpful...just to get outside and walk.

We do have meals delivered on a county program, and that helps a lot. Also, I don't drive, so we have groceries delivered. I enjoy not having to drive, or leave him for awhile. The more 'normal' things can be, the more comforting it is.

Also folks, Teepa Snow is an Occupational Therapist. Her story growing up caring for her grandparent along with the neighbors helped resonate with most people of my age group.

Fast forward today--I can't remember the last time my extended family got together for Sunday Dinner, which was my norm faithfully every Sunday for years. No sports and everything was closed on a Sunday.

The Assisted Livings (I agree with Teepa Snow) is a room/studio and you bring everything in. Basically, in my opinion, everything is a la carte. When I was growing up my parents' home was the assisted living. But that's all gone now.

This is why people are struggling and scrambling for help.

You can learn from everyone but I also believe in the team approach. What you lack in family, neighbors, you can bring in services.

Thank you.

We are human, One week I am hopeful, happy and patient, another week I am cranky and discouraged. I am human. This is a huge job. Snow has her opinions. They may help some people. I am one person. Good luck..

Teepa Snow is wonderful. Amazing. And a very rare breed. Comparing your ability to care take with Teepa Snow would be like comparing your ability to keep your house organized to Marie Kondo (look her up if you don’t know who she is). Impossible standards to live up to. The vast majority of people are just like you. Doing what you can, looking for ways to make it easier, finding a little success here and there, but also finding the day to day just too much to bare.

It sounds like you are at the point you need some help with your own health. I would maybe look for an AL you could live in together for a while. Find one with a memory care unit attached so when the time comes your husband can be moved there and you can easily visit him.

I’m sorry you are going through this.

Good Morning,

Teepa Snow is wonderful (YouTube) videos and she also wrote a Caregiver's Guide to the different stages of Dementia.

From what you say in your profile this is comparing apples to oranges. It sounds like you need someone to take care of you. As is often the case when both man and wife get up into their 80's it's not uncommon for both of them to need assistance.

Can you both possibly go into an Assisted Living or bring in all the services you can get your hands on. A Social Worker and your Primary Care Doctor's can assist you. The Primary Care Doctor can write up an assessment with the services that they think you require.

Don't be stoic about this. I would call on the troops and bring in everything that your health insurance will cover. Also, in the mean time, if you to decide to make a move what about one morning a week respite for your husband--oftentimes transportation is provided, continental breakfast, hot lunch and p/t/ with a doctor's order.

You cannot do this alone at your age and don't feel guilty about it. Half of the country is doing this. I know of a couple where the father went to live with the son and the mother with the daughter, it was the answer for that particular situation.

Teepa Snow is wonderful but techniques alone do not sound like enough with what you are going through. But it also sounds like you are open to information. I hope all of here on the forum can be of some help to you. You do, however, need "a team" in place as things progress.

You are very honest and upfront, I admire you. My prayers are with you.

😉😉😉😉😉😉

I think it may be time to place your husband. Before you do that though see an Elder lawyer to have your assets split, Your husbands split will go towards his care and just before its gone, you apply for Medicaid. Once his is on Medicaid you become the Community Spouse. You keep the home, a car and get enough or all of monthly income to live on.

If you can't afford MC, its private pay, then go right into Long-term care. In LTC all his needs will be met. Depends, wipes, laundry, 3 meals a day, toiletries. All you may need to provide is clothing and visit.

No disrespect towards Teepa Snow, I find her simulated videos funny as he double tooth picks. But no, these techniques do not work in a real life setting.

I tried being some of these techniques, and I almost got the heck beat out of me by one of these clients. I respect their space. There is no standing there trying to calm the situation down when someone gets caught in a loop of interrogation and no matter what answer you give them, they just get more agitated and angrier. This is when I make sure they're safe, and I keep my distance until the situation calms down. I stop interacting.

All people are different. Personalities are complex as it is. So, no. I don't think these videos are a catch all and blanket resolution for each situation.

Dealing with a person with dementia is stressful as heck. I know some days all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Other days, I could sit at the same table with them and have lunch. Other days, I had to keep my distance but get the work done.

I think Teepa Snow has some very useful guidelines & suggestions for people who are caregiving for loved ones suffering from dementia. She uses techniques that tend to calm the elder down rather than ramp them up; she uses methods that do not scare the elder in any way thereby increasing their agitated behaviors. Her bathing tips are excellent as well.

Don't strive to 'be' Teepa Snow b/c she's an instructor, not a Goddess. Strive to do the best you can using tips and tricks you glean along the way and that's IT. Nothing replaces bringing in help from the outside, or even placing your DH in Memory Care if his care becomes too much for you to manage.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet which has the best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Here is a list of useful tips from her e-book I found to be excellent:

The “Dont's”
· Do not reason and argue
· Do not demand that they reason or problem-solve
· Do not demand that they remember
· Do not demand that they get their facts straight
· Do not correct their ideas or scold them
· Do not reorient them
· Do not think that they are being uncooperative on purpose
· Do not think that they really do remember, but are pretending not to
· Do not use a “bossy” dictatorial attitude in care
· Do not act with impatience

The Do's
· Enter into their frame of reality, or their 'world'
· Be aware of their mood or state of mind
· Use few words and simple phrases
· OR use no words, just friendly gestures and simple motions
· Do everything slowly
· Approach from the front
· Wait for a slow response
· Constantly reassure them that everything is 'OK'
· Keep people with dementia comfortable 'in the moment' - every moment
· Maximize use of remaining abilities
· Limit TV or radio programs which they may feel are frighteningly real
· Maintain privacy
· Provide a safe physical environment

Language Needs
· Use short words
· Use clear and simple sentences
· Speak slowly and calmly
· Questions should ask for a “yes” or “no” answer
· Talk about one thing at a time
· Talk about concrete things; not abstract ideas
· Use common phrases
· Always say what you are doing
· If they repeat their question, repeat your answer as you did the first time · Give them a longer time to process information
· Wait patiently for a response
· Be accepting of inappropriate answers and nonsense words
· Speak softly, soothingly and gently

Please take care of YOURSELF as well b/c your life is just as important! Get respite for DH so you can get to the doctor and just OUT of the house to revive yourself.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Teepa Snow is in my experience of 25 years doing homecare, a total joke.
Her methods could work if the person with dementia being cared for has a full staff of professional caregivers working only for them 24/7. Even then most of the time these methods do not improve anything.
Most people taking care of a dementia patient at home are on their own. They are family who most of the time get no help and are flying blind because they don't have a backround in this kind if care.
Don't beat yourself up at your age and with health problems of your own to deal with because you can't be Teepa Snow.
Teepa Snow is a flake who makes videos. I don't think she could keep the perpetual patience going if she actually had to take care of an elderly person with dementia alone day in and day out 24/7.
You're the one actually doing it.
Now might be a good time for you to consider getting some homecare services or even a memory care facility for your husband. Many of them have assisted living for spouses who are not in need of memory care.

You have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed about.
We all have a point where we are not able to handle what we might have earlier in our lives.
I often wonder if I would be able to care for my Husband the way I did now. I am 6+ years older, I have a few more aches and pain than I did back then. Who knows.
I know of many people that are far better Care managers than they are Caregivers.
I do know it does not get easier as dementia progresses.
YOU know your limits.
YOU have your health to consider.
Admitting that caring for him is more than you can handle alone is a difficult conclusion to come to.
Your options are:
*Getting help to come in and help you and him. And that is the big think the help is more for YOU than for him. Helping him is helping you.

*If there is an Adult Day Program in your area look into getting him involved. Not only will you get a break but he will also. And he will get interaction with others. Generally a breakfast, lunch and snack are served. Activities and sometimes day trips are included.

*Placing him in Memory Care. This is not giving up, not a "failure" it is recognizing that his care is beyond what you can safely do at home.

I wish I had a Dime for every time I wrote or read "Caregivers need to take care of themselves" I would be sitting someplace warm not in the Mid West at -3 degrees!
But it is true you need to take care of yourself. YOUR health is important.