How is your health affected by sibling(s) that won't help you with parents' caregiving?

I am so sorry your family is not more involved. I do not have an answer for you. In a way I am lucky, the only family member anywhere close is my husbands sister, a days drive away. He has alzheimers, I am taking care of him myself. He was diagnosed 6 years ago. His sister never had much to do with him before that , he ignored her phone calls. The few there were! NOW she wants to call and talk to me 3 times a week, he is unable to communicate. Suddenly seems interested. But she has informed me several times that she and her husband are unable to contribute financially. Phones calls were very stressing...she is drunk, she asks same questions over and over, wants to get together so she and I can go out, etc. I quit answering the phone. I send an email every few weeks. She does not reply to the email, says she doesnt know how, but always wants to talk about the games she plays on the computer!! So, for me ignoring her has helped. Phone calls are fewer, I still do not answer. I am not angry and upset, like her calls made me. Maybe you can somehow ignore your family, find some agencies who can help you and give you a break from all of this. Think about YOU first, then your parents. Thats all that matters.

Whitney, this is a tricky (and, sadly from other commenters on this site) and all too common situation. Like you, I am the sibling who has "stepped up to the plate" and both my (older) brother and (younger) sister are largely spared the caregiving responsibilities for our mother. To be fair, mom does live only 10 - 15 minutes from my home but that was also decided for reasons that we all knew would be the case.....I (& my saintly husband) are the most able and willing to deal with our 91 year old mother's needs at this point. Whether you end the relationship(s) or not probably has more to do with what the quality of those relationship(s) was/were before you were put into this position, but I also acknowledge that I largely willingly put myself here. Sometimes I just pull back and choose not to communicate with them for periods of time but that's about as far as I've gone thus far. Know that there are many on this site who can both empathize, and sympathize, with your predicament. Hugs for strength and perseverance.....

You definitely need to take care of YOU to keep your health in order so you can care for your parent(s).

It's something I kind of struggle with myself - I tend to be a workaholic because I own my own business and work from home - so if I don't make the money come in, it's not going to happen. That drive tends to spill over into other areas of my life, which is sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Please try to find a way to decompress and get some time to yourself, even if it's having a respite caregiver come in and take care of your parent(s) when you can, so you can just go out for a walk, take yourself shopping or just get away for a while. Go someplace quiet and just relax and reflect for a while.

My brother and I have been in court. He has used my mild bipolar, an addiction to Vicodin (10 years ago) against me. He pushed me and I was injured. He acts like he is the one who had a 2-week concussion! I had him removed from the house. He signed an Order to do (or not) do certain things.

He refuses to follow the court order (which could get him arrested). He even called to get money from our Mom the other day. He hasn't been here all year, but the last 2 times, he kept calling me names in front of our mother (crazy & fat (this from a 56-year old man). I used to have low blood pressure, now it's borderline; I have to deal with my Mom's anger and abuse and now he's the Golden Prince. He is actually just like our Mom. I am always anxious and just plain worn out. And the minute she is gone, he will have his big, fat hand out. Then I plan to move back to where we grew up and never see his nasty a** ever again.

I have not posted or commented in the past couple of weeks. My mom passed April 5 here at home after 10years of my son and I being the sole caregivers. My only sister for a time sent money but never any support - not even reqular calls to our mom - nothing. Two months ago I diagnosed with Hidradenitis Suppurativa - its a auto-immune disease. That I would contribute almost solely to STRESS. I hate to type so this will be short. I now as much as I miss my mom have a significant weight off my shoulders. My heart is heavy even typing that. But I have no plans of speaking to my sister. I have gone many years without her, I will pray for her but speaking just two weeks after my mom has passed - I feel no need to have contact with her.

Get a mediator to come in, sit down with you and siblings to make necessary plans for Mother's care; who can do what, contribute what and what the future holds. Mediator will keep meeting focused on Mom and her needs. If you can't do that then just let it go. Not everyone can be a caregiver and obviously not everyone can afford to contribute financially.

You have to take care of yourself and allowing siblings or whoever to affect your health is a personal decision that only you can change. God bless!

My younger sister has been caring for my mom for 8 years. Mom has dementia. I am so glad I stepped up to the plate and moved in with them a year ago when it was clear to me mom could not be alone and her dementia was advancing at an alarming rate. It has been hard to say the least but I have never really known how strong my younger sister was or how hard it's been for her until I actually was in the middle of it. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I know we will be closer than ever for the experience. However, we have two other siblings in thie same small town we live in who have completely turned their backs on us and do nothing but an occasional short visit which seem to get less and less frequent all the time. I feel so abandoned by them and really don't even want them in my life anymore. My older sister has even criticized us and belittled us when talking about our caregiving abilities. No one knows how hard this is until they are in it, living it. If you have siblings taking care of a parent or relative with this desease and if you have a heart at all get in there and help. Otherwise the family will shatter and there will be more loss than just what the desease takes from you. If you don't the sibling or siblings doing all the work will feel abandoned by you, and believe me that opens your eyes to who they really are very quickly. I feel like I've lost a whole portion of my family because in my eyes they are selfish and not worthy of my love. I don't think this will ever change. The loss has been extremely difficult for me. If you can help your siblings, please do. Don't take the easy way out. That is neither fair or right.

I think the overall stress of an elderly or ill loved one being dependent on you is the main cause of the stress, lack of additional support and financial challenges are add ons. And yes, stress will make you ill, as will aging and none of us is getting younger. No doubt, this is not stress you should have to deal with.

I was very upset at one point with my sibling, I gave it time, I was mad, but I never shut her out completely, I remained civil, largely for my father's sake. I also remained focused on wanting a relationship with my nephew and niece. Out of the blue one day, she took the first step to reconcile, thankfully before father passed. Today she is taking the lead in caring for mom and our relationship is strong. I lost my father, I will lose my mother. I really did not want to lose my sister. I share this to say that families can have rifts and rifts can heal.
I hope you will be well and that your family will heal.

Caregiving isn't easy, but I admit it isn't my brothers' fault. One of my brothers has had his share of caregiving. He and his wife had her mother with them for about 15 years. They helped with her aunt, then took care of the two grandchildren during the day, so their daughter could work. My SIL wanted to care for the grandchildren, but it did tie my brother and SIL down for years. They live three states away, so I don't resent them at all.

The other brother has 5 children living with him and his wife. He travels a lot with his job. He does the best he can to keep up with his job and putting food on the table. His wife home schools and they are very involved with their church. My brother calls when he can, but he doesn't really have the time.

Then there is me. My marriage disintegrated 4.5 years ago, and I work from home. It made sense that I would be the one taking over the caregiving role. So no bad feelings here. Sometimes I try to drum up bad feelings, but it is usually more how I feel about me being here than it is about them not being here. I know that one brother will show up if there is an emergency. The other will show up if there is a funeral. I do like that they trust me. Neither question anything that I think would be a good thing to do. It works mostly (though I'm bored!).

Great question... I have two brothers (no sisters)... both of which live 1000 miles away (a convenience for them to keep their distance even more). The oldest brother and his wife (who wears the 'pants'... very controlling) have alienated me and my only two nieces... one of which is my Godchild. The youngest brother and his wife remain illusive and, if this says anything, they/she didn't go to her own father's funeral recently, because of their dog.... (I'm still in shock over this one)... So... with this said, it put my mother in the middle which only added much undo stress to my mom and, to say the least... me. After much one-sided 'trying' and 'talking', I finally came to the conclusion that this was only hurting me and that I had to cut off all the 'trying'... and 'crying'... I feel much happier now, knowing that I've tried and don't 'need' to try any longer... I only now concern myself with my mother's need and my own needs... As far as the sibling 'relationship' goes, I figure if they want to come to me if they so desire... If not... it's their lost... God Bless you and your family...

I took an early retirement incentive in CA to return to Michigan (then age 58). During the one-week move, I broke out with a very weird "horn" my temple. Devil jokes aside (I am after all the evil daughter of a malignant narcissist mother), biopsy took 4 weeks because only the Mayo Clinic could identify it. I had developed a very rare form of T Cell Lymphoma. I had just finished taking care of my MIL for 10 years (she died at 100), helped husband remodel her home (why I could retire early). I had been helping my Dad in Michigan for about 5 years with his finances. My sis never stepped up, doesn't call Dad (all who remains now), and visits as she would a 20-something, to eat out and have a nice visit.

If your siblings will not help, you are probably not going to change them. Expecting them to change will only provide you with continuing heartache. It is hard work on your own, no need to keep being disappointed by their lack of support. For what ever reason, they feel unable to assist in direct care. True or not, in your estimation, it would not do your parent any good to have someone there who does not want to be there.

Make sure you get some time for yourself. Right now I have about an hour first thing in the am where I can have my morning cup of coffee in my front yard before Dad wakes up. I simply sit and look at clouds, trees, birds, my cat and not think about anything. Something that simple can help.

I agree with pipruby - if siblings don't help, you can't change them and you can make yourself miserable trying. I used to be SO angry with my brother, but in the past few years, I've come to accept our differences and I'm much happier. I'm also doing a better job of taking care of myself through exercise.

My brother is self-centered and clueless but not mean. He thinks he's doing a great job by calling mom once a week (at my insistence) for five minutes and sending her something a few times a year. He hasn't been to visit it about four years and my is 94. We have a pretty good relationship but it may dwindle after mom passes. I think he secretly thinks I'll take care of him when the time comes. Hahahahaha. No way Jose!

I have been the primary caregiver for my elderly mother since November 2012. She has COPD, is in a wheelchair, has type II diabetes and in on oxygen full time. In addition, she needs assistance with toileting and frequently either wets or soils herself. She does wear adult pull ups... I am going on 67 and am fairly active. My home is 100 miles south of my mother. I was leading a ladies organization and had a fairly active social life. In November 2012 when my mother was released from the hospital, I brought my two dogs and a lot of my possessions and moved in with my mother. Since my siblings all have spouses and I am divorced...it was said that I was in the best position to move in with my mother. When I did move in, I found that everyone else's help became pretty nonexistent. I care for my mother day in and day out, do the grocery shopping, do all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry... You name it, and I do it. I have even taken care of all of the snow shoveling this winter.
One of my sisters will come and transport my mother to the doctor's office and sometimes my brother will do this also. My other sister will help out if she doesn't already have something planned.

I am finding that Caregiving has taken over my life until I don't even feel that I have a separate identity. I do not have any friends or acquaintances in the community where my mother lives.

Last spring I became so tired that I needed to see the doctor. The doctor told me that I was suffering from exhaustion and chronic fatigue. I told my siblings that I needed more help. One of my sisters wrote me an e-mail and said that she thought that I was going to be able to stay with mama and that if I could not - I could go on home and the three of them would decide something about mama. Then my brother wrote me an e-mail and told me that I was a horse's behind and said that I was lazy and stupid...and that I was either crazy or a lunatic or both.

I am constantly depressed because I feel that I am being so disrespected by my siblings... My mother gets tired of seeing me all the time and is sometimes very "short" with me.... Then when she does see my siblings, she is so sweet to them...

Another year has passed and I find that I am still tired and exhausted...sometimes have trouble concentrating...and it is just a chore to try to do anything... All of my siblings have been on vacations with their families. I have not.

When my siblings do come in to stay for a day or so, I find that I need to go back to my home 100 miles south to check on things and spend the majority of this time not resting but trying to catch up on work that has been neglected
there at my property.

Recently, one of my sisters and I made an arrangement whereby I could go home for a week or so. She was planning to take my mother to her home to keep her there since she also has a husband who is handicapped and she cannot leave him at night. My brother came over to visit and found out about these plans and because he does not like my brother-in-law, he got very angry and said that HIS mother was NEVER going to stay at their house...that HE would see our mother in a nursing home before that would ever happen. My mother was present when he was raving and carrying on...and then she said that she would not go to my sister's home because it would make my brother angry. My brother has my mother's POA, and it is obvious to me that my mother is afraid of him... My brother then said he would stay with our mother for several nights so that I could leave but that he could not stay all week because he and his wife were going on a camping trip. So, that puts me right back where I started....with no help...and no emotional support either...

I have been under a lot of stress because of all of this and did finally go to a support group in the area so that at least I could have someone to talk to...
I have begun writing in a journal and trying to carve out little portions of the day when I can do things that I enjoy...

I do enjoy my mother's company and do not mind helping her and spending time with her...but I had not planned for Caregiving to consume my entire life.

1DivineDiva ask your brother to come over night with his Mom again and DON'T come back... Go to your own home and stay put! Let your brother with POA take care of Mom....

I have been taking care of mom with Alzheimer's two years now. I have no family. Brother died last year and I did not know he was that sick because he and wife did not talk with me for 6 months prior due to his wife cleaning out my moms silverware to help me out, bagged up what I might want after keeping a few things for herself. I was very upset , but tried to approach brother about it and he cussed me out. My sil has always worn pants. All this to say brother was leaving a lot of money for mom, he told me , but said sil could change it and we have not gotten a penny. My mom will probably end up on medicaid in nursing home, because I have heart problems and the stress is just too much even though I take her to daycare.my sil first offered to help, then bragged about everywhere she was going on vacation, and I couldn't pin her down, so I stopped all contact with her and felt better. All she did was add more stress to the situation. I
Say tell the siblings point blank you need help and if they don't, screw them.

seems that we are all in the same boat, one way or another, once my mother was injured, it left a sudden painful void in my life, i now realize that without her positive influence on certain siblings, they are just nasty evil people, i don't like saying that but it's the truth, it's just a sad situation & she would be so distraught knowing what things have become but i can't let their negativity continue to affect me emotionally and physically, i also have to take care of 2 infant babies at this point, my mother was supposed to be around to help/enjoy this time and now that she isn't, it's extremely difficult for me but do any of the nasty siblings ask how i'm doing, that's a definite NO, they tortured me towards the end of my high risk pregnancy so to be honest over issues about POA, control, other legal bs.... i'll forgive but forgetting won't be possible, so i have 1 or 2 that i'll remain in contact with, can't say the same for the other ones, definitely their loss

Ok i have read all of your responses, some are great and some are not so great and those of u that think that because ur the closest to ur loved ones that its all ur responsablity need to understand its not all ur responsablity...ur parents raised all of u and gave all of u all they could....now its up to ALL of you to be part of giving back what was given to u.
With that being said....i am in the same position....i live in the same town as my parents...my mom passed away last year leaving my 90 year old dad alone....he is in the starting phases of dementia, and is suffering (for many years) with PSTD and can be very nasty, mean to me yelling & screaming....he insists he wants to live & die in his home...and that he cant deal with everything which he cant....i am the one who pays his bills or setup for automatic payments directly from his bank, i look after his grocery shopping or at least I did until recently when he yelled at me one too many times so I left and told him to call me if he needed me....that was 6 weeks ago!!! I have POA so i can still take care of all his bill etc from my home....my hubby has gone to visit him so i know hes ok...got him meals on wheels so i know he eating. As for my 3 siblings my sister who lives just an hour away has not seen my dad in a year and talked to him last on xmas day...my brother lives 4 hrs away has come to see my dad once in the last year but calls him every couple of months...my other brother lives 14 hrs awsy and calls my dad about once a month but my dad is always nasty to him as well. Am I angry they dont stepup and help me more....angry is a strong word but im disappointed for sure!! I have COPD and just recently had to add oxygen into my house...i also am having other issues which are more than likley stress related. Thats why ive had to step back from my dads care...i have called his dr & mental health and informed them of these events. All i can say is look after yourself 1st and if ur siblings dont help get the help u need else where ..... good luck xo

I now am on a beta blocker for HBP and it's not really helping. I have hyperthyroid disease, have for years and that has become unstable.

Wow, I hope you all are using your Moms money for her supplies and to pay yourselves! I hope you caregivers are all the POA's, if not, get to a lawyer . If your loved one dies, those wicked siblings will be there fast with their hand out for an equal share of your loved ones estate. Dont let it happen! I gave up on mine, I begged the first couple of years and now I only have stress when they want to visit, which is rare, and I hate it. I prefer they drop off the face of the earth personally! Stress? Holy mackeral yes, but I hired help to get out, its the only way to do it. Yes, another place for your loved ones money to go, help for you! Dont do it free, dont let them bully you, and get some legal info asap. Good luck, I am over 6 years on this journey with Mom still also.

Based on my experience as primary caregiver for my mother-in-law, I am absolutely convinced that caregiving has a direct correlation to caregiver health. I believe caregiver health is impacted by both the physical and emotional demands of the job. I address this issue in my book, “What to Do about Mama?”

• Around the time I turned 60, just before Mom became sick, I was sitting on the examining table at the doctor’s office for my yearly checkup, thinking, “I feel great!” In a matter of weeks, because of the dramatic increase of caregiving demands, fatigue, aches, and pains began to get the better of me. WTDAM p.11

• If the expectations we had coming into the caregiving relationship are not fulfilled, the seed for conflict is planted. Our expectations are born out of a sense of fairness. Imbalances of responsibility lead to bad feelings among siblings and to caregiver burnout. “Doing one’s part” is open to interpretation. You are not in control of your adult siblings, and when you try force your will (no matter how justified), it provokes a wide array of negative emotional responses. WTDAM p.60

I also address the issue of maintaining sibling relationships.

• There could be healing someday if you and your siblings find your way to let go of grudges. But you may also have to learn to accept that sometimes relationships are broken beyond repair, and it’s just not your job to fix them. Whereas childhood relationships with brothers and sisters are involuntary, maintaining them in adulthood is not. We are entitled to choose “not.” WTDAM p.113

I saw this and thought it is really good advise:
"You don't ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn't matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend, or a new acquaintance. --You don't have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It's one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings, ignores your boundaries, and "continues" to treat you in a harmful way, they need to go. ~Danielle Koepke~

I have tried to have a relationship with my brother for many years, but the relationship is just toxic for my mental health, so I have chosen to cut him out of my life. I wish him only the best. It is just not in my best interest to have a relationship with him. I know it hurts Mom that we don't get along, but I have decided that I need to worry about me for a change!

Oh, where do I begin......I try to post here as much as I can. But, it seems that every time I do, it is about how my siblings never want to help me with our mom. That may be because that is how it is. My brother is 55, my sister 54 and I am 50. They of course have always been closer because of age and I guess because of their misguided priorities. My mother is 77 and has always been chronically ill. Although I am the youngest, from a very young age I also was the one who always had the most empathy and compassion. Even when I and my immediate family lived 3 hours away from my mother (dad had passed) we still would go care for her when she would have acute episodes of (fill in the blank) and be in the hospital. Like I said she has many health issues.
At the time she literally lived about 100 feet from my brother and yet she would not see him for weeks. Not to mention, never having the medicines that she needed in order to not land in the hospital. Or even groceries. That's why my mom was literally moved to my town, without my input, so that I could care for her. Because as they see it I don't do anything.

My sister, true story, one time that mom was in the hospital ER, went to see her for 5 minutes and said that she had to leave because she was going with her fiancé to his parents wedding anniversary party. Never in my adult life have they ever called me to see how I or my family are doing. So of course, the longer and more intensive that my caregiving has become, the more angry and resentful that I have become with my siblings. I have tried so many times to communicate with them by phone, email and regular mail to no avail. Family meetings? Well, I speak all I want and nothing ever happens.

They have always seen me the "sister of convenience", because as long as I don't complain about how tired I am or that I and my family want to go somewhere, then all is right. Any communication we have had has always been initiated by me. Any responses have been grudgingly given but to say that they don't have time. Yet, they call and email each other all of the time and they coordinate time off to go on family trips with each other!

I have had to have many a serious talk with my mom because in her own way she too has made things even more difficult for never really giving me my place in front of them. I think she is afraid of them, so no telling what has taken place between them privately. I do know the few times they come to visit her BP goes sky high. Yet, she acts as if everything is perfect. Very strange!!!!! She won't ever tell the truth because she is the type of person that can lie very convincingly.

Like others here, I feel happier when I do not have any (what little there is) interaction with them. Of course, this means that I no longer will try and do things just for mom's sake. 18 years have taken a toll on me mentally and physically. My siblings truly do not care for me and that is so obvious in their actions. For myself, I may be a little sad for losing what little and very stretched sibling relationship I may have had. But then again, how can I truly be sad for something that never existed. I am so happy with my little immediate family whom I know and feel how much they love me. Yes, sometimes we do have to break away from things or people who cause us more pain than happiness. Whether family or not....

Every day I pray for us caregivers who are in this daily war. God bless and strength to you all!

My wife and I can relate to the siblings doing nothing to help. My mother in law is pushing 100 and needs total help in her daily life at home. Moms other 2 daughters do nothing to help and one lives less than 10 minutes away. My wife has health issues of her own because of this situation. The two sisters may or may not get in contact with their mom during the holidays that is a roll of the dice. Mom has even had her grandkids see her and then tell her well we drive by the house daily and we will try and stop but that was 2 years ago and still no visit. The one thing that really makes me mad is her oldest sister has people believing she helps and the only help she gives is to complain about everything we do for her mom. Even when our child had health issues she would not watch her mom, we had to take her mom with us 2 hours on the road and 2 hours back because her sister was to busy mind you she is retired. I believe the only consolation the care givers in these situations have is the other siblings will have to answer for this when they meet their maker or when they need to have their children take care of them.

Siblings (minds) are really out to lunch... As we know, we can't change them, so somehow we have to come to terms with ourselves (as many of us do) in hopes that it doesn't change us in a negative way.

I realize that I am the happiest when I don't think about my brothers' lack of participation or concern. I hate that they put me in the position of pushing them to do the right thing, but I also know that I can handle it - my mom is in a great assisted living facility now and doing well, so i don't have the stress that others on this site do. But after I spend a weekend cleaning out her house and going through 40 years of a life and my brothers can't be bothered to answer the phone to talk about what they might want to keep or how hard this is to accept, I get angry. I think about cutting them out of my life at some point, for now I just don't talk to them for a while until I'm in a better place. I need to focus on doing what's best for mom. But do I want to have any relationship with someone who won't even talk to his mom? not really. and no I won't be helping him out when he gets older....

I hate my brothers. They don't care about my mother who has alz. My oldest brother bullies me and the staff at my mother's alz unit all the time. When I told him I needed to take Mom to the hospital, he hung up on me. It is a living nightmare. My other 2 brothers refuse to see Mom and won't talk to me. They can't be bothered. It is a really sad situation.

I am one of 6 children. I have a husband who suffers from a brain tumor, bi-polar disease & Solvent Dementia. I have had my 2 daughters die in the past few years & not one of my siblings even contacted me but for a sister-in-law that told me, "...your brother has his own problems to deal with." That was the support I was given when my daughter's died.
When my dad died, being the medical person in the family, it was mine to oversee & so I did. That was 22 years ago. We all seemed to rally to help dad.
Mom had died when I was 22. I am now 68, an R.N. & a full time care giver.
I have found to remain "ever present", is the key for me. Sounds easy-lol-it is a life time dance. Family?? Everyone is my family. Family of origin-look about you....look in the mirror. If as individualizes, we can't look with in & see the LIGHT-look to your mom & find it -it is there. Go moment to moment-it is all we have anyway. Blessing are you, your mom, & all of us & if I (I will own this), can't put my arms around an idea/a thought/ which I can't, I have found that it is through another human being that I learn, can hug & can love for if I can't do this with another, how can I do it for myself?

My brother never really moved out of my parents' house, lived there with my mom for 25 years rent free. she cooked for him and did his laundry. When she started to decline, he freaked out and made it all about him. We finally convinced him to move out for his own mental health, but he still had to check on her daily as she wouldn't make her meals and couldn't be trusted to take her meds. His resentment grew. Finally I get everyone to agree assisted living is the best option, made my mom cry too many times. Now she feels safe and secure and has friends and is more social and stabilized. The day we started moving her things in she was happy and chatting with people. We come home, and she's in good spirits until my brother walks in the door. He didn't even speak and her demeanor totally changed. She shut down. Wouldn't talk - wouldn't look him in the eye, and went up to her room. I know what you are all thinking - he was abusing her, at least verbally. Now that she is in assisted living he won't even call her. I am completely fine with that - he knows if he treats her the way he did when she was at home the staff will kick his butt out and call me. I know she never would have agreed to the move earlier than she did, but I am sad that she had to go through that. She never asks about him, so she doesn't miss his abuse either. But it makes it very hard to be civil to anyone that would hurt my mom, esp. her own son!

My wife now has heart problems, is also dietetic, and stressed out to the point that nothing makes her happy. She has been caring for her parents all of her life and at one time her and our child lived 2 1/2 hours away and we only seen each other on the weekend. We have spent the majority of our retirement trying to keep her mom happy, but as I said earlier still no help with mom so we can just get away for the evening.