How do I help my grandmother (92) who is healthy physically but not mentally?

Dsl7334, is anyone else helping grandmother? You can only do so much. Do you accompany her to Dr. Visits? I found the best way to convince my mother she needed to move to Assisted Living was to get her family physician on board. Set up an appointment but speak to the Dr. ahead of time to clue them in. Get a state worker involved if needed. Your grandmother needs 24/7 supervision.

I am the only care giver at this point. My mother passed away in November of MS and she was an only child. My siblings live out of state so that leaves me. I do take her to all her doctors appointments and that is how I finally got her meals on wheels once a day. My grandmother refuses to move out of her home. I just recently took her to her physical and the doctor mentioned her moving to assisted living but nothing else came of it and like I said my grandmother refuses. I can't get her on medicaid because of her income....I have tried. I feel like I fighting a losing battle.

dsl, we had a similar situation with mother in law (mil) . When you empty her expired items, put them in your car and take them home to your garbage. That solves that end of the issue but not the overriding issue. Seniors with dementia, come to a point where they aren't able to live on their own. This is difficult for everyone on this site to come to grips with and many of us have experienced it.
Please understand that dementia means her brain is broken as another poster on this site (Jeanne) says. If you haven't already done so, check out the alzheimers website for issues those with dementia often face and some ideas on how to handle it. 'Confronting' her won't help. You just have to smile and fix the problem without her seeing it or saying a word.
When I visited MIL, I always had a large shopping type bag with me. When she went to the bathroom I would start tossing the outdated stuff into the bag. Blueberries with mold, open snacks with an expiration date 3 years ago, etc. Getting other stuff out was more challenging. But over the course of several years, we loaded up the entire back of a SUV several times over. We moved her twice more and each time huge amounts of 'stuff' went out the door in garbage bags. Accumulations continued with her many visitors and we would start all over again.
Can you get an occasional 'companion' that would be able to help toss stuff? You really have to b e like a thief in the night!

Dsl, geewiz is right. When the brain is faltering, there is no talking them into" anything because while logic might work for a moment, it won't last. You really do have to be "sneaky". It will be the hardest love you ever have to give but someone needs to look out for your Grandmother. It can be a delicate balancing act between treating her like a child while maintain respect for her wishes ...for the person she *used to be*. Try to come up with plans of how to accomplish goals by breaking things down to one step at a time. Read the many posts here from others who have managed to get loved ones moved despite their lack of cooperation.

Do you have someone that can visit with you so you can 'double team' Grandma? While one person distracts, the other clears out. I would move stuff out into the hall when she was distracted. Then before we actually were leaving, I would say that I needed something from the car (a small gift or book for her, my glasses, whatever). I would leave with the stuff I had put into the hall and bring them to the car. Return with the stated item - and she never caught on. the good part
of memory loss is that she wouldn't notice that the moldy blueberries were gone! : - )
It took us 2 full years after she had regular housekeeping services (and she could no longer stand without a walker) to get her to agree to let go of her 2 (OLD) vacuum cleaners. The winning statement? My church is having a collection for household items for people who just moved here. Those vacuum cleaners would be SO appreciated! Ditto on some clothing items that no longer fit her. You will see references to therapeutic lying or gentle story telling on this site. It does work!

I grew up in an era when there were no expiry labels. I guess when things grew more naturally and were not machine or pesticide driven and I am much younger than your gran. I absolutely HATE throwing away food and first like to taste it, to test it's quality. It is how it was done in the old days. Lets face it, a chicken or cow do not tell when those eggs or milk would be going off. We do cope with less as we age.  Do not let her cry, if you can help it. I understand your gran.  I also understand your concern. But at 92 I would recommend help for her, even if once weekly. It's wonderful that she copes physically, but there is only so much she can cope with at that age.  Go well. : )

Do you have POA? If you're going to be tasked with stepping up, you need to have the proper tools. Does grandma have too many "liquid"/cash assets to qualify for Medicaid? If so, you may want to pursue an appointment with an attorney who specializes in Medicaid - tell Grandma it's to preserve her assets & be sure her affairs are in proper order. (If you don't have POA, this will probably be covered & the attorney may explain, if not you, then some stranger may have this control over her affairs should there come a time she "can't". ) Have you looked into:
California Supportive Services Programs

The Older Americans Act (OAA) seeks to enable all older individuals to maintain their well-being through locally developed community-based systems of services. The OAA Title IIIB Supportive Services Program provides a variety of services to address functional limitations, maintain health and independence, and promote access.

The Title IIIB Supportive Services Program enables older adults to access services that address functional limitations, promote socialization, continued health and independence, and protect elder rights. Together, these services promote older adults' ability to maintain the highest possible levels of function, participation and dignity in the community.

Title IIIB provides funding for a variety of supportive services programs, some of which are noted here:

Personal Care, Homemaker, and Chore programs provide assistance for individuals who otherwise could not remain in their homes.
Adult Day Care/Adult Day Health offers social and recreational activity in a supervised, protective, congregate setting during some portion of a 24 hour day.
Case Management provides for an individual to conduct a comprehensive assessment of a frail older adult's needs and arrange for in-home services.
Assisted Transportation is door-to-door transport, which may include escort services for those who cannot use the public transportation system.
Transportation includes vouchers for reduced rates on public transit, van transport to congregate meals, medical appointments, etc.
Legal Assistance includes legal advice, counseling, and representation by an attorney or legal staff.
Information & Assistance services assist with identification of appropriate resources to meet the specific needs of individuals.
OutreaOutreach initiates contacts with potential clients to encourage their use of existing services.
Eligibility

Income - No requirement

Age - 60 years or older

Cost - There is no charge for the Supportive Services Program.

Access

Information on Supportive Services Program services is available through the statewide toll-free Information and Assistance Line at

1-800-510-2020 or contact the Area Agency on Aging.

Perhaps try taking her on an outing for a visit to an AL facility or two. No pressure for just a visit to see what she thinks of the place. Maybe you could even tell her you're thinking of moving there or checking it out for a friend and want her opinion. If she sees the reality of the environment, not as a facility, but as a pleasant place to live with assistance nearby if you need it, maybe she will think it doesn't sound so bad. You can point out the advantages over her current home without sounding like you are taking decision-making power away from her. In the long term, if she doesn't poison herself first, she will probably have the decision-making power turned over to someone who may not do as she would have preferred. This is what motivates me to look into what facilities I'd prefer while I am still well able to take care of myself and my own home. And, almost every time I visit, I think, "Ohhh, this is nice. I wouldn't mind moving here right now."
She may not know what's available.
Also, ask the agency who is providing her meals on wheels to send someone to check on her and see if they can provide counseling or advice.
God bless you for caring!

You actually specified a dumpster, it's right in your description so here's what I have to say about dumpster diving because if anything happens to grandma, whoever owns or rents this dumpster is responsible if anything happens to anyone who chooses to go dumpster diving. People get stuck in these big dumpsters every day  when they get inside them and there's not enough trash for them to step on and safely exit the dumpster. For all we know, people may have actually been stuck in these dumpsters for days because they couldn't get out. Now compound that with extremely hot or cold weather and it spells disaster for whoever happens to be stuck in there.  Anyone with an ounce of sense would know these days to put a lock on the dumpster. I'm telling the truth, dumpsters are dangerously big and dumpster diving can be very dangerous for dumpster divers if they happen to get stuck in there or get hurt on something and they can't get out.  Even if you had someone with you, there's no guarantee they will be able to get you out especially if they happen to be on the outside. You may have a better chance getting out if someone was down there with you, but what about your partner who lift you out and up over the top? If there's not enough trash  in the dumpster for that other person to get out, they get stuck especially if it happens to be after hours. Can you imagine the embarrassment of having the cops show up and finding someone stuck in the dumpster? Yep, someone needs to put a lock on it or they will be held responsible if something happens to someone who gets stuck, hurt or dies in, on or near their dumpster, and there will most likely be a lawsuit depending on the severity of the situation because there will definitely be heavy fines. 

Just from your description, it sounds to me like you live at an apartment complex or near a place that owns or rents a dumpster. I don't know who owns the dumpster, but maybe the owner or person renting the dumpster should try putting a lock on it before someone gets hurt or killed. Ever wonder why businesses with common sense actually put locks on the dumpsters and even fence some of them in? It's for safety reasons. 

If you don't believe me, ask yourself these questions: 

* What if she ever went dumpster diving and got stuck in there and no one knew for quite a while, maybe even hours? 

* What if she was in there at the wrong time and the trash truck came by and emptied the dumpster not knowing she was actually in there at the time? 

Yep, sounds like it's time for whoever owns the dumpster to put a lock on it, and quite possibly her in a facility before someone gets hurt dumpster diving

As for the liquid assets and qualifying for Medicaid, if she has a car for starters and she can no longer drive, she should sell it and use the money for her own care. Here in Ohio though, as far as I understand you can have one home and it's actually exempt as long as you live in it and one vehicle is also example for medical transportation, and it's usually the higher value one. 

* Now that able accounts are available, you can have thousands of dollars up to a much higher than you otherwise would without it. Yes, they can put limits on you and less you have an able account. You can only have one able account in any state whereas it used to be restricted to just the state you live in. Now it's open to wherever you want to open and able account, but you can only have one. Here in Ohio, it's actually called stable. You may explore your options and decide whether an able account is right for your grandma because you're going to want to decide if you want Medicaid later grabbing the funds in that account because you're probably going to need the funds to bury her with when she goes. Therefore, you may want to get some money aside and help her set up her final wishes and pay for them before they're needed. This is called a preneed but don't give the money directly to the funeral home in case something happens and they go under or turn out to be dishonest. Only pay the money to the insurance company and have a few assets set aside to liquidate just in case something happens and you need to liquidate those assets for a source of emergency money

What a wonderful granddaughter you are. Can you bag the items and take them to your house to discard? If they are not in her view, chances are she will forget them.I have eaten expired eggs and other foods. Most things still have shelf life after expiration.

Kind of scary.
Buy less
Sneak dangerous expired items far away to dispose of yourself
Maybe get meals on wheels
I hear you about the other "collectables" -we had a relative with 20+ phone books

Dear ds17334,
What a tough spot to be in.My own mother just died.I went through some similar things that you are going through when she was living in her own home.My mothers wish was to die in her own home even if it meant falling down the stair steps only to lose her life.My sons and I respected her wish and her right to die how she wants to die.My sister forced her into a nursing home by declaring her incompetent,which she was not.Her freedom and her rights were stripped from her.She was betrayed and abandoned. I went to be with her at the facility nearly every day.I tried to support all of her wishes even the ones that did not make sense to me.At 92 years old it is unlikely that your grandmother will change her ways.It is hard to make people change and If they do not want to...well is it not their right to live how they see fit...even when we disagree with how they are living.I tried to respect my mom's wishes even though they did not make sense to me.Sometimes you have to let go and allow the natural consequences happen...for example if your grandmother got sick due to eating the spoiled food...perhaps she would then understand if she experienced the consequences of eating spoiled food? I do understand the feeling that we have to fix or rescue because we love them and do not want them to suffer needlessly.It is unrealistic to feel like you have to go clean out the fridge since you do not live near by.Perhaps you could hire someone or ask a nearby friend to go clean out the fridge and to take the bags with them to dispose of them somewhere other than in your grandmothers garbage can?These are just some suggestions.Older people do strange things that make perfect sense to them but they do not make sense to us.My best advice is just love her love her love her.Sit and listen to her.Kiss her on the cheeks,hold her lovely hands and hug her.Cherish her because when she is gone you will miss those cheeks,arms and hands and you will wish she were there once again and then it is too late.Believe me.I know.I am missing all of my mother.Elderly people get strange sometimes because they spend so much time alone just thinking.They know they are changing.They know they cannot do what they used to do.They are afraid and feel alone.Sometimes even depressed.They just need an ear to listen, a hand to hold.Someone to let them know they are still important and loved.I used to think I had to do this and do that and do all of these things for my mom and she really appreciated all that I did for her and I did a lot but you know what she really wanted??....for me to sit down next to her and just love her...to give her my time not doing for her but just being there with her.She did not want to be alone.I will pray for your lovely grandmother and for you.God is watching over her.Take good care.

Several have mentioned taking the 'trash' with you - that way she cannot dig the items back out. That is the best solution for that issue.

Please do not argue with or accuse grandma... it will only upset you both. You cannot reason with dementia. She probably is not lying - dementia is a whole other dimension/reality. What you might see as lies are the truth for her. Just calmly go about cleaning, chatting with her, guiding her if you can get her to help at all (keeps her busy) or redirect her to do some 'task' that isn't really needed, but will keep her occupied while you do the "real" work. On the sly remove those items and take them home to your trash bins.

As for "expired" foods - if it is fresh (not canned or boxed) food, but wrinkled, showing signs of mold, etc, yes, pitch this stuff. If it is frozen items and has signs of freezer burn, yes, pitch those too. If it is boxed/canned items and there is a 'best used by' date, you really DO NOT have to toss them. Although they *may* no longer be 100% top quality, unless the packaging is open or the can top bubbled, there is no reason to throw these out. Eggs can last many months in the fridge (those that were in the hot bucket outside, not so much!) They will, over time, get dried out, so should be tossed if they don't float.

As others queried, do you have any kind of POA (DPOA is better)? In order to best help her you will need legal help. If she can still understand enough, run, don't walk, to an elder attorney. He/She can set up the needed DPOA, will, trust fund for her assets, etc. It can be a tad expensive but so worth it - getting guardianship and conservatorship after the fact will likely be MUCH more expensive and time consuming. She seems to be in the early stages of dementia, but as it progresses she WILL require placement and/or in-home care (Medicare will pay for some home care *IF* the client accepts personal care - our mom said no, so we had to self-pay for the few months she 'allowed' the one hour visits, but you NEED that legal work done in order to help out with this)

Once the legal steps are completed, you can help out by hiring some help for her while she is still at home (pay with her funds not yours!), if she will accept the help. It will help you interface with any medical care. If she needs help with handling finances, this is also what you will need - using that DPOA I temporarily forwarded mom's mail to me and used those bills to set up bill payment online and change the billing address to me. The only caveat I've read on this forum is that some banks will balk at the DPOA - so if possible, while doing the above, try to get yourself as joint on her account(s). THAT helped me - I brought mom along, but she would tend to just rifle through her wallet while I worked with the bank employees. What it does not help with is the federal entities, SS, Medicare, IRS, VA (if she or her husband was in the service, she might qualify for benefits, but do the elder care biz first!) - these entities all have their owns forms to fill out. :-( Still working on that...

As for cleaning up other stuff, others suggested getting someone to help you, to distract her. A combination of distraction and memory loss works wonders. We had to do this with our mother, not so much with "stuff" but with paperwork. She has stuff we now have to go through (moved her in January), but not like a hoarder. Once the extra unneeded items are out of sight, hopefully they will also be out of mind! She might remember something and look for it, but eventually that will pass.

So, be gentle with grandma, distract and redirect, take the trash home and work on getting all the legal/financial aspects set up now, while you can. It is not easy, but it can be done...

This is to all the people who think assisted living is the solution.My mother was forced into assisted living but not by me however I was the one who was there all of the time and what I saw at assisted living was frightening and heart breaking.The facility was staffed with unskilled help that were too young with no experience working with elderly or dementia.People were not given water.People were not assisted with eating.People were not monitored properly and I saw fatal falls happening on a daily basis.My own mothers finger was severed off at assisted living with NO explanation and it was covered up.I am pursuing it.She died one week after her finger was severed.Her room was never cleaned so I did it.She was not toileted.She did it on her own and was a mess because she could not do it on her own any longer.She was not showered for more than six months.I complained to the administrator over and over again.The facility was brand new and beautiful but had NO track record whatsoever.Beware of choosing a brand new facility with NO record.Assisted living may seem to be the answer but every client that was in there hated it and they were all very unhappy.I spent a lot of time trying to encourage and talk to the ones whose family did not come to visit them on a regular basis.It was a horrible experience having my mother there.I have never seen any place run so unprofessionally and the worst part was I did not have the legal power to get her out of there and that was such a powerless feeling to watch how she was neglected and not be able to move her.That is my take on moving grandma to an assisted living facility unless you know that you know that the facility is a really good one.

oh man sounds like my story...my mother 83yrs old has alzhiemers...and psychosis. her body is healthy as sin...she can out run us...im 66 and my husband 70 and we are not in good health at all. I just got through helping my mother in law for 5 yrs but she wasnt as demanding as my mother. my mother lives alone in her huge home that is falling apart. my father died in 2014 and then my brother who was helping her died suddenly probly from the stress in 2015. I have two sisters one lives in Washington state and the other in Delaware and she just lost her husband this year. I have one bro who lives close by but had to cut her off because she was ruining his job and his family. I live 4hrs away. I have been killing myself going bk and forth ...my husband drives me there and has to put up with my mother ..he says in a room at 70yrs old and is afraid to come out because she starts in on things she knows will cause problems and he for some reason cant deal with it making me the go between. my mother will not leave her home...I tried...I set her up at an assisted living place with memory care and the truck was coming to get her stuff and at the last minute she turned it all down...she lost $500 deposit but I was able to get themonthly cost bk. she doenst care about the money my father left her ..she had 15 visiting angels day and night and it cost a fortune..my dead brother was helping with that...but they the visiting angels black listed my mother because they couldn't handle her and one had to even seek psychiatric care....the nurse that lives next to me said my mother is toxic and will mow over anyone and everyone to get what she wants and that I would die before years end if I didn't just cut her loose like my bro did....I couldn't do that...my mother can do for herself and has been and is way healthy except in mind...she gets a taxi cab and had a friend who toted her around but that friend suddenly had a stroke...ie I'm sure the stress from my mother...I HAVE DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY AND HER HEALTH AND HER WILL DONE...AND IM ON her accts at her local bank in case I have to pay her bills...I'm looking at a irrevocable trust....or a revocable trust...does anyone know anything about that.....I have taken her to her family doctor and he knew it right off and put it down on paper...then he made an apt with neurology and I took her there and the neuro said yes she has moderate alzheimers and psychosis....and then she sent me to....adult protective services...and she said I needed to get guardianship...well, I don't want to have to deal with the government...its a interference I don't want to deal with....so I have gone the gamut...adult protective services came over to check her awhile bk and said she was okay to live in her home because she is functioning...that was stupid....because we had to get them again to look at it and they are kind of encouraging me to get guardianship....my mother does okay with what she eats but she doesn't eat like she should...she mostly is upset that my father died and wants to die as well...she says she is so lonely ..I know she is...I talk to her every day sometimes 2 to 4 times a day and its for hours...so I have no life at all..she makes up things and lies and gets other people in trouble...im going down again this week to get her roof done..it was leaking and also her ceiling where it leaked through....I have a way to pay the roof job through her insurance and her deductible because I'm on her account...she signed me on when she knew what she was doing...I have literally told my mother she has alzheimers and the first thing out of her mouth was no no no way...you just want to stick me away in some home....she wants us to live with her....we tried ...It took me 2 wks to recouperate after leaving.....I was also told you cant force them to go into assisted living or anywhere...so....if my hands are tied ..then so be it...but I don't want the responsibility of guardianship....I have already had 5yrs ...and no one else can do this but me....so lady I know what you are talking about....God bless you

dsl7334, Keep your gran at home as long as she wants to be there, but simplify and declutter the whole home bit by bit with every visit. Get rid of the dumpster if it is not communal, get all her rubbish into bin bags and drive it away. (If the dumpster is communal, ask neighbours to help by keeping a heavy brick on top it, or agreeing to fix a lock to which she won't have a key.) Make sure all her kitchen pots and pans and utensils are within easy reach, to make cooking easy, and remove all other items: "borrow" them or ask outright if you can have them.
As mentioned earlier, your gran is of the older non-throw-away generation, and she can easily remember the days of food shortages during lean economic times. In her youth many homes had larders, not fridges, and mould and maggots were just cut out of any leftovers or uncooked food. My mother's stories about early camping days made my stomach churn!! but when we had a series of power cuts, she used up all our food supplies quite safely without throwing anything out.

gratefulmouse, you are overwhelmed, and after 5 years you have paid your dues. You have got legal guardianship, but you don't have to be the guardian yourself. You can arrange for a specialised attorney living and working locally to take part of the proxy and act on your behalf, take care of the money and monitor what goes on in a care home. This is not "the government" taking over, but a specialised branch of family law. Once you and the attorney have decided on a course of action, like which type of residence care is best for your mother, she would have no powers to stop this. This will ease your responsibility burden and mean that you can make far fewer visits to your difficult parent.

If you refuse to act through an attorney, then ask yourself what burden you are placing on your husband, and if the situation is fair to him. I think it probably isn't. In my own case I started with full proxy, including financial responsibility, for an elderly friend of mine with Alzheimer's, and after one year it wore me out. It was such a relief when the local family law judge appointed a notary (kind of attorney) to take over the financial part. I could start living again. Please think of your husband.

yes I know...my mother is mean right now...and she doesn't like any of the son in laws or daughter in laws and she wants to be catered to every minute...she was the 7th child in her family. they were poor but she came at the last and when she married my dad very young at 17 he was 26yrs old and ready to care for a family...so she didn't have any worries and he catered to her as well. she went to a dr once years ago and she was told she was spoiled...and basically I her oldest daughter know this...im having a hard time separating the real her from the illness...her ways are not far off from the illness itself...my father catered to her and then my brother who died...my other brother said when she started trying to mess him up in his work and family..he stated she isn't going to kill me...and has nothing to do with her...one of my sisters who lives up in Washington state offered for her to live with them...but she wont go because we are in texas and she said it was too far and that the dr said she cannot go...its a lie my sister called the dr...he said she is making things up..my sister couldn't take it though her nerves are bad....my mother says to us she had a great life and traveled etc...well, we haven't been able to do that you know the golden years...because my husband just retired the 2nd or 3rd time in 2015....and since then as I stated he had cancer surgery and then foot surgery and then shots in his eyes and now his teeth...I have a seizure disorder and have had 2 strokes I didn't know I had and a cyst on my brain and my brain is folded down...plus I have liver disease now and barretts esophagus and a heart defect and severe sleep apnea...and I have IBS....so...really....some of my friends said don't do the gov thing...they will be calling you for everything...well, I actually don't mind that as I would have that responsibility anyway....but I don't want them into her money telling me what I can or cant do....basically I want to sell her house at some point and put that money into her account to help pay for her living expenses....and her cars...she wont let go of any of the things in her house ...they are so numerous you feel claustrophobic when your in there....and her home is large....she cant drive so she begs people to take her and...they are falling apart ..she prevented my brother who died's son from taking college classes because she was always needing his help....also she cant remember things and miss places things saying that the devil is in the house taking her things...she fights and argues...I realize she knows something is wrong but not exactly what...I told her twice flat out....but she gets defensive and I was told just not to do that ..it scares them....I have a bro in law who k nows he has it and is taking meds for it..he is fine...but he is in his late 60's....I feel that more and more younger people are gonna get this illness....I don't want what is left of my life with my husband to be taken up by her...I took care of my husbands mother but she wasn't as demanding and not as mean....I had some issues with her but I could over look them...im that way I over look my mothers and keep things inside until I get really sick...I feel sort of guilty because I did take care of my mom in law but she wasn't as high maintenance as my own mother...everyone knows her where she lives...they just call her the wacky lady....she doesn't realize it and thinks she is doing okay and blames her forgetfulness on my dad and brothers passing...my dad knew there was something worng and would call my brothers to help him as they lived closer...she never wanted us the girls coming over to visit...she didn't like our religion and she is prejudiced against other religions but her own....we never cared....but she didn't let us stay in her home for many many years...my kids grew up etc...and now she wants us to live in her home....it doesn't work...she gets up in the morning and starts mulling around our rooms like we did something wrong in them...and tells us what she needs done and insists we fix somethings we don't know how to fix...she will not cook anymore...she cleans her house...but that is it...im just glad for that...actually....we have no privacy at all because my husband had his prostate taken out he is severely incontinent and she busts in on him when he is changing his pull up and man pad.....and fusses at us like we were children....she has some fits out in public which we have had to endure...this has been going on for 2yrs now....

gratefulmouse, both you and your husband need a break from your mother, and you need it now!! Get your own doctor on your side and tell him or her that you both need a break from caring from your mother and that she must be admitted to a nursing clinic with 24/7 residential care for a full check up, especially neurological, with brain scans and ECGs.

This will give you both a few days on your own in your house when you know you will not be interrupted. Use this time to take a good look at your own health needs and those of your husband, state them clearly on paper and make an appointment with the doctor who is treating your mother. Explain that both you and your husband definitely do not want to continue to feel responsible for this 83 year Alzheimer's relative either under her roof or under yours, because neither of you is strong enough physically or mentally to accept such stress on top of treating your own sicknesses. Ask the doctor to contact any available local services and to advise on the most appropriate secure residential care and to pull strings to find a permanent place.


It is much easier to get a dementia patient into a care home from a clinic than it is to transfer them from their home. Once your mother is placed, in order to keep her residence permanent, that is the moment to empty her house of its contents, store them somewhere and fix up the house for sale. If she objects, then if you have got an attorney on your side working with you and holding the moneybags, she cannot stop this process. Never ever let a care home "take care" of a resident's finances. Your siblings could and should contribute towards this house activity.

Supposing your mother lived another 7 - 10 years? She would be in her nineties, but with incredibly reduced brain activity. Can anybody really expect a couple in their seventies to provide care without a great deal of professional help if the authorities drove your mother over to you and dumped her in your laps? I don't think so.
.
Tell everybody you know, and all your family that - it's time. Time that somebody else looked after your mum. Your husband's wellbeing is now more important than hers, because he does have serious health issues. Make sure they all understand that Alzheimer's patients in their 80s become highly narcissistic as their perceptions and brain faculties wane. They don't care a hoot in the end who is looking after them as long as food is put in front of them and there is a plentiful supply of sanitary pants and padding.