Children who don't help. How do you handle it?

I've been on this website for a long time. My dad has passed away but I keep coming back to share my experiences and to give support to those who are still going through caring for a parent. I've realized an unexpected bonus to coming back here and that's gratitude. The lazy sibling, the crazy sibling, the non-helpful sibling, the unsupportive sibling.....It seems to be the rule rather than the exception. I guess I was the exception. I didn't ask my brother for help for a long time because I figured he'd be unwilling to help. He didn't offer to help because he didn't know what to do. When it got to the point where I was nearing a breakdown I cried and sobbed to my brother and he jumped in that day and we became partners in caring for our dad. When it came time to dissolve my dad's annuity I planned on splitting it 50/50 with my brother (it wasn't much, about 10k). My brother insisted I take it all since I had been caring for our dad all those years. I still gave my brother several thousand dollars and we were both satisfied with this. And aside from having someone take some of the burden off of me I found a best friend in my brother. We had always been fairly close but caring for my dad together cemented that bond. The night our father died my brother told me he loved me. We had never said that to eachother as adults before. The last six months of my dad's life were a nightmare, not just for him but for all of us but I think it would please my dad to no end to know that he was instrumental in bringing my brother and I closer.

I know this is the exception and not the rule. I always like to share my experience when I can.

My parents were in the same situation - three children and only the second child living with them experiencing and caring for them with no offer to help from the other two. One month before his passing, Dad had an attorney come to the house to make final arrangements for his will, durable power of attorney and health care proxy for both himself and my mother. Dad endured his pain and kept hoping their other two children would change...but to no avail. Things were set in motion, (the attorney had a way of testing the competency of both elderly people with another attorney as a witness) and he passed away knowing his wife could live the remainder of her days without the fear of being threatened or harassed. This will present problems in the future, but the attorney assured us the documents provided ironclad protection for all. Perhaps this might be something you could consider. Our parish church had an attorney ( a member of the church) who worked with parishioners for a discounted price.

Kazzaa if it weren't for being able to tell you about it I'd be crying not laughing, but you know what? - She's been here 15 minutes and already she's flatly contradicted me. She says I'm not making stollen because it hasn't got marzipan in it. I must be making challah instead, she says. Excuse me?! a) You obviously know nothing about either of these foodstuffs. b) Challah, which you just mispronounced, is nothing like stollen, which you also mispronounced. c) This stollen has poppy seed filling in it because I know you don't like marzipan.

Deep breath!!! Back I go… (Yes I know, why on earth am I bothering? Because I like eating it anyway. She can please herself.)

Experienced this situation? Sometimes I feel as if you can never get away from it…

Your brother feels aggrieved that he is to inherit a smaller share of any estate than you are. Rather than examine why this might have come about, he is no doubt comforted to attribute your father's change of heart to your undue influence and not to his own failings as a son. Of course I don't know what your brother would have to say for himself, but I'd be surprised if he would even agree that he has fallen short. I would expect him to come up with all kinds of self-justifications; if you're lying awake one night with nothing better to think about, you can even amuse yourself by imagining what these might be.

This states the obvious, I know; but I believe it helps if you understand why a person is behaving as he is. It stops one entering on a spiral of mistrust that can lead to all sorts of destructive, exaggerated perspectives.

If your father wishes you to benefit from a larger inheritance, and not burden you instead with the nightmare of possible litigation and devastated family relationships, then as Pixie outlines above he has got to make things crystal clear and in particular demonstrate to appropriate witnesses that he is making sound decisions with a sound mind. He may feel he doesn't have to explain himself, and legally speaking he doesn't, he can do what he likes with his own money; but if he wishes to avoid trouble down the line for you then that is what he must do.

You can have no part in this. The most assistance you can provide is as a telephonist, arranging for your father at his own request to see independent counsel without you present. You should not comment on his plans, you should not be present at any meetings, you should have no more to do with the drawing up of any will or letter of wishes than your brother has. And I don't just mean for form's sake; I mean to be at ease in your own mind that you have not had any undue influence on your father's wishes. If your father wants to share what he's doing with you, it's difficult, he'll be expecting you to be glad of his loving appreciation; but you could always try explaining that you trust in his appreciation without the need to expect any more than that.

Many people seem to find the issue a no-brainer: that the caregiving child, particularly when others have actively refused to take part in their parents' care, acquires some kind of natural moral right to a greater share in any estate than its siblings. I don't agree. Assuming you care for your parents out of filial duty, without mercenary motives, then by what right do you merit a larger share of the estate?

I speak, by the way, as the youngest child and only caregiver among four siblings. I'm here to look after my mother as well as I can. I am not angling for favours, or entertaining any lively expectations about her jewellery, whatever my sister my suspect me of. And in order not to worry about how it looks to any outside observer, I literally don't want to know what's in my mother's will. I'm not asking, I'm not looking, I do not hear my mother on the odd occasions when she makes reference to it, I do not want to know.

There is of course the other hand. Again, nothing to do with what you want: the other hand is that your father has a right to make his own choices. I personally would find it interesting to know what he most wants to achieve: rewarding you? Punishing your ingrate brother? Two birds with one stone? I wonder how much he wants to punish his son. But it sounds as if he has, as you say, reflected deeply on this and come to his own conclusion. I would comment, if I were his advisor, that he's not allowing his son much wriggle room for redemption; but that really isn't your problem.

Or it's not your problem as long as you're not blocking any possible rapprochement which would benefit your father. Be careful, especially if feelings run high over your brother's current behaviour. Watch yourself, because being objective and fair with someone who's behaving atrociously is terribly difficult.

I'm not suggesting you can engineer some marvellous reconciliation and stand by beaming on the pair of them as they embrace once again, even if you feel the slightest inclination to attempt it. All I'm saying is: stay out of it, make sure you're not in anybody's way.

So, your brother is already contesting the trust. You can't be surprised. You can see why he would. If your father has done everything by the book, your brother cannot possibly succeed in law. So all you have to do is work very hard to let this pass, put it behind you and carry on as if it had never happened. Very stressful, the last thing you need, and pretty despicable on your brother's part; but on the scale of things? Taking care of your father is your infinitely more important goal: keep your eyes on that.

It so happens I'm off to the lawyers in an hour to see about removing financial POA from two of my siblings to someone, anyone, who does not have a vested interest in my mother's estate. I'll let you know if I succeed in sticking to my own advice..! Wish me luck; I wish you all the best.


PS Just an afterthought: did your father, in the past, make any promises to your brother, perhaps ones that you were never previously aware of, or allow him to believe there was some kind of understanding? I'm thinking that, if so, it would also help to explain your brother's sense of grievance. Something to bear in mind as a possibility, maybe.

I think a better solution is to ensure that the children who are the caregivers be gifted "before" the parent dies. Why leave it in a will for the siblings to argue over? Everyone knows who the helpful caregiver is and that is the person who deserves to be gifted with what the parent sees as appropriate.

It used to be very typical language in wills to leave a bequest to the "person who cared for me during my last illness." It was acknowledgement that whether that person was family or not, they deserved some compensation and that the person who was cared for wouldn't be around to express their gratitude.
It's probably best (in many ways) for a parent who's being cared for by one of their children more than the rest to just give a pre-determined amount of money each month or year. Write up the agreement formally. There's nothing to argue over once the parent dies. All the siblings share in what's left.

The ones who do the least often expect the most

Countrymouse - At a time like that, my beloved departed but never saintly father would say, "You're entitled to your opinion, however ignorant and benighted it may be." I use it all the time, usually with a laugh. It makes me feel so much better.

Thanks Jinx! - I'll stick to thinking it, for the sake of world peace, but it'll still make me smile.

Do you know, she only bloody checked up when she got home, didn't she! And was gracious enough - not to admit that she was wrong (let's not be silly) - to email me and let me know that I could buy poppy seed stollen at the East German supermarket chain she'd been recommending earlier on. Very good for people on a tight budget, apparently.

I think that's her version of being nice. She'll be back in a fortnight or so. I'm not sure if that was a threat or a promise...

I wished the person we are caregiving was able to do that,
it should be a reduced share,
because you are doing all the work, like a spouse.

Lets say there are only the two of you,
money left should be carer worked for half
and the rest should then be divided by the two giving you 75% and him 25.

Depends on how long, but at least two years...
The siblings here put on the trust that if someone objects, they forfeit their share?
I do not even know if that is legal, the sentence before but that is what it says...
just because he contests does not mean he'll win...
how is your father's capacity, been declared anything yet...