We want to move to our retirement home in other country and mom keeps saying she hopes she dies before we move her again. Moved mom from East into our home in Southwest after dad died 3 yrs ago (I'm only child) and mom needs help 24X7. We now want to move out of country to our retirement home but mom says "I hope I die before you move me again" and "I won't move again, just throw me in nursing home back East" etc. etc. Husband has been great for 3 yrs, now wants us to enjoy our retirement home and meet new friends. I won't put her 4000 miles away in nursing home, want to move her into our retirement house with us. She doesn't want to go, is depressed past 3 yrs, just wants her life back, same town for 88 years, same house for 60 years, married 67 years. I fear if we move her, she will be worse and more depressed than she is now and we won't be able to enjoy our retirement. Husband has been so helpful/great, but now wants a life with me as we age ourselves. Caught between them both. What to do?
Here is your chance to enjoy your retirement.I would jump on that chance to put her in a nurcing home.Why?Because,she is willing to go.
I can understand why your Mom wants to go back East to be in a nursing home in her old home town.... there probably would be friends she knows that are living in the same place. It's something to think about.
Since your mom has dementia she is unable to make decisions on her own and you must make those decisions for her. What do you feel is best for your mom? I can certainly understand why your husband would like the opportunity to travel and spend time with you but I also see your side in that you don't want your mom thousands of miles away where you can't check on her.
What about a compromise? Move your mom with you but place her in a nursing home close to you. That way you and your husband get your time together and your mom gets what she says she wants. But be prepared for your mom to be unhappy wherever she ends up.
Not long ago I went around to some of the assistant living facilities in my area, they were so nice that I wanted to sign up for myself :)
I think your idea about moving her with you and finding a place where you will be living makes the most sense. Would language be an issue for her?
It's okay. Time for you and husband to make life for yourself and enjoy your retirement. You may return home sometime, but don't wait. Go while you are both able to enjoy. Things can happen in a heartbeat to either one of you making travel abroad impossible--so go now and no regrets.
My Mom was born and raised, got married and lived 20 some years in the New England states but when we moved to the south she had a terrible time understanding a southern accent.... even a Boston or a thick NYC accent would confuse her, too.
Hopefully the country has an easy to hear English accent.... I know if I was much older I couldn't imagine trying to talk to a doctor who couldn't quite understand me, or me understanding him/her.
A NH is a NH, instead of one in the NE, maybe consider one in a neighboring state where you can visit once a month or so? Keep her in the USA.
My Mother is very healthy and happy, at age 95, in the nursing home. But, she is in the town that we all grew up in. There are no relatives there, but she knows everyone.
Your mom does need a say so in where she is living, even if that is far from you.
How about a talk with the Dr. about an antidepressant. Mom is feeling useless at this time and isn't making sound decisions. You will have a better grasp of the situation after the trip in October. Go and love every minute of it.
I am thinking that your mom must have the money to live where she wants, or you wouldn't have the funds to put her in 24/7 care in Mexico. Even if you place her close to you, you may find yourself there morning, noon, and night.
My mother was fine in IL. until I arrived to visit, within 3 days she was totally dependent on me, instead of the staff. Things just seem to be better for her, if I am not there.
Good luck and enjoy Mexico. I am in Tucson.