My mom and I were/are very close, I'm an only child and my dad died when i was 11 so it was always her and I. I love her she was a great mom. Now it's still just me, my husband left me a month after I put her in AL and we were not able to have kids so it's still just my mom and me. She's never made me feel bad or anything (in fact she chose to go to AL) but now with dimensia she's not the same, and the other day when I left she kept calling out my name, I had to leave but I went back, gave her a hug, and then left to her cries. I felt horrible couldn't sleep and cried all night, and can't figure out if I should have her at home. Personally I think the place she is at can take better care of her than I can, even with home care help, my house is small and the place she is at has a squad of care givers, doctors on call, and are always so nice (although I do think they overmedicate her when she gets agitated) so it's really just guilt but that doesn't help me feel less guilty. Sorry for rambling but my question is how do you deal with the guilt of leaving them and not taking care of them when they are so alone and sad.
Eg 1. "not taking care of them.."
You ARE taking care of Mom by having her live with support 24/7.
Eg 2. ".. when they are so alone and sad."
Mom is NOT alone. She is living with many others, residents & staff. Sad? Maybe at that moment as you leave, yes. But probably not all day every day. She may well have a smile & a laugh with other people during her day.
When you visit you can bring EXTRA joy to her life. Your familiar face, your warm hug, both enjoy that lovely connection for the visit.
If she has memory impairment she won't even remember that you just visited her. This is how it is with my own MIL, in LTC with memory impairment. She just got off the phone talking to one of her sons ("Glen"). I asked how is Glen doing? And she said, "I don't know... I haven't heard from him in a long time." Literally not 1 minute had passed.
Do not feel guilt -- because guilt is for when you do something that is immoral, illegal, unethical or selfish. You can think of your feeling as grief, which is what it is. When we leave my MIL we try to make sure it coincides with an activity or event at the facility. We wheel here there so that she has a distraction as we say goodbye. Then the staff takes it from there.
You CAN mourn it, and accept that she will mourn it. But taking on responsibility for it, for her happiness, simply isn't going to work. You are a human being with limitations; you need to accept that. Do feel free to share her tears and tell her you are so sorry for them. Continue to do what you can.
It is terribly difficult to stand witness to the losses of our loved ones, but it is wrong to take on responsibility that isn't ours.
So sorry about your husband.
Make your next goodbye when you visit very short. Get her involved in an activity then quietly leave. If she says anything when you get up just say "I have to go to the bathroom" or "I will be back". I think she may be picking up on your feelings.
You are taking care of your mom. You said yourself that she is getting good care that even with hired caregivers you could not manage that level of care at home.
Be very grateful that you have found a place where she is well taken care of.
Get rid of the "G" word..guilt. You can feel sorrow, grief, anger at the disease but you have nothing to feel guilty for or about.
If you are concerned that she is "alone and sad" when you are not there ask the staff if she is alone and sad when you are not there. Is she involved in activities? Is she sad?
See All Answers