How do I deal with guilt of leaving my mom after visits?

By changing your thoughts.

Eg 1. "not taking care of them.."

You ARE taking care of Mom by having her live with support 24/7.

Eg 2. ".. when they are so alone and sad."

Mom is NOT alone. She is living with many others, residents & staff. Sad? Maybe at that moment as you leave, yes. But probably not all day every day. She may well have a smile & a laugh with other people during her day.

When you visit you can bring EXTRA joy to her life. Your familiar face, your warm hug, both enjoy that lovely connection for the visit.

Maybe mom is getting upset when you leave because YOU are upset.
Make your next goodbye when you visit very short. Get her involved in an activity then quietly leave. If she says anything when you get up just say "I have to go to the bathroom" or "I will be back". I think she may be picking up on your feelings.

You are taking care of your mom. You said yourself that she is getting good care that even with hired caregivers you could not manage that level of care at home.
Be very grateful that you have found a place where she is well taken care of.

Get rid of the "G" word..guilt. You can feel sorrow, grief, anger at the disease but you have nothing to feel guilty for or about.
If you are concerned that she is "alone and sad" when you are not there ask the staff if she is alone and sad when you are not there. Is she involved in activities? Is she sad?

You remind yourself that this was the best only solution for her and that she is indeed getting appropriate care and is not alone.

If she has memory impairment she won't even remember that you just visited her. This is how it is with my own MIL, in LTC with memory impairment. She just got off the phone talking to one of her sons ("Glen"). I asked how is Glen doing? And she said, "I don't know... I haven't heard from him in a long time." Literally not 1 minute had passed.

Do not feel guilt -- because guilt is for when you do something that is immoral, illegal, unethical or selfish. You can think of your feeling as grief, which is what it is. When we leave my MIL we try to make sure it coincides with an activity or event at the facility. We wheel here there so that she has a distraction as we say goodbye. Then the staff takes it from there.

My daughter always told Mom she had to go to work, never used the word home.

So sorry about your husband.

You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.
You CAN mourn it, and accept that she will mourn it. But taking on responsibility for it, for her happiness, simply isn't going to work. You are a human being with limitations; you need to accept that. Do feel free to share her tears and tell her you are so sorry for them. Continue to do what you can.

It is terribly difficult to stand witness to the losses of our loved ones, but it is wrong to take on responsibility that isn't ours.

I understand your feelings and upset. I am so sorry for you. We had to place my parents in memory care two months ago against their wishes. That creates more heart ache and guilt on my part. My mother asks why I put her there and what I’m doing to get her out. She cries too. It’s not a very good facility which makes it worse.
My thoughts are, if you are able and up to the care, take her home. I would take mine home but my house is too small for two elderly with walkers and dementia. My father wanders and can’t find the bathroom, therefore he urinates anywhere.
I pray you make the decision that gives you the most peace.

I understand your level of pain, as it was always "just you two", you and Mom. And now you additionally have been deserted by your husband. There are complex and intense emotions swirling around in your head and in your heart. GreenTeaGal, you could be supported at this difficult time by a well-trained Therapist and additionally, by a Grief Support Group. I don't know if you live in a city or small town, but membership in church, in community volunteer groups, in any type of "shared hobby" activity would be a lifeline for you. Placing your mother in Assisted Living best served your Mom. Plus, it's giving you a chance to work on separating from her by stages. The big separation will come at the time of her passing. I read that your mother is now 98 years, so the AL placement gives you time to prepare for her passing. I love the idea of departing the AL after you have wheeled her to a group activity. Then, you can quietly leave after her attention is engaged by something else going on. BTW, do you still work? Work is a good thing for someone who finds herself at a juncture in life when you have landed. It doesn't have to be full-time but "real work" where folks are counting upon you and where you meet colleagues with whom to share camaraderie: is a good thing. Part-time Library assistant, something pleasant. It doesn't matter if it is a paid position or not. I see that you might be 'retirement' age if your Mom is 98 years. Sherman Oaks is highly populated, I think. Elementary schools always have a need for "read aloud Tutors" to assist struggling 2nd or 3rd Graders. Middle Schools always have a need for PALS, who are simply Mentors to preTeens who have little or no family support. You are a dutiful daughter to placed your dear Mom in a great facility. Now, it's time for you to get support (counseling) at a time where you have a chance to build a meaningful chapter of your own life, going forward. I am very sorry that your husband left at this critical time of your life, but with Mom being well-taken care of, you have a chance to "Finish Well" in what just might be a very satisfying chapter of your own life, which might go on for decades now. God Bless you, and I could truly feel your pain as your described Mom calling out for you as you departed.

The only way I got past all this stress…..same story about my mom and me..was to go to counseling! I go twice a month..it has saved me..I leave with her looking teary but I can now manage to feel no guilt..I am 73 she is almost 91…we are in year 6 of this stress.. my mom told me from the start…never listen to me when I am full blown dementia just do the right stuff for me…that has helped..today was a crappy visit but I will manage to enjoy the rest of my day! Good Luck…

The guilt is misplaced. Mom’s sadness is normal, not caused, and able to be fixed, by anything you did, or can do. Her life has changed, no one’s fault, just the natural course of aging and there’s isolation and sadness that comes with that. You couldn’t fix it in your house, it would remain along with you being an overwhelmed, stressed out caregiver. Visit mom, be relentlessly positive and encouraging, take her things she enjoys, and most of all, don’t accept guilt for things you don’t control and cannot change. You and your mother have been blessed to have each other for a long time, that’s the important thing and it hasn’t changed. I wish you both peace

My heart goes out to you. I ache for and with you.
You are grieving - what I consider - one of the most difficult life experiences 'grief in slow motion.' And experiencing a loved one, your mom, slipping away in from you.

My only heartfelt support is somewhat Buddhist inspired "be present fully with your feelings" (whatever they are). It hurts, it feels awful, it is heart wrenching.

I agree with another here, get into therapy. I did and it really helps.

Take care of yourself as you can - put yourself first:
1. Be with supportive friends (who listen, not give advice unless you ask for it);
2. Be alone, with music or meditate, as you need / want;
3. Read, go to a museum, the park - whatever will help you 'be' with your broken heart. Exercise: yoga, jogging - get that energy out.
4. Reach out to whoever and whenever you need to: here, church, network support, friends.

As I said to my therapist, grief is like mercury. You can't get a hold of it. Its mentally, psychological, and emotionally discombobulating.

I think: What would I do if in your situation with your mom, crying as you leave.

1) as you did, go back and give her a hug. Look her in her eyes, smile, and say "i'll be back very soon." Depending on the degree of dementia, you could say that you need to go to the store and will be back in a few minutes. She may not understand and/or she may forget.

You might be able to intervene with the medication given. Ask. Assert yourself. Ask your own MD or another / discuss your concerns.

2) Get her a mechanical cat or dog to pet. Of course, this isn't a replacement of you although it is a distraction and gives her something to focus on, care for, pet, be a mother to some'one' that needs her.

* If my mom, I would definitely leave her in AL for reasons you mention. She will get 24/7 care that she needs.

* I don't know when you placed her in AL although it does take a person a while to adjust. Give her time (could be 2-3-4 weeks). Some facilities say to not visit until loved one is adjusted; it is an individual decision.

* Medication mgmt can be tricky - trying out what works. Do you think / know if staff / manager is confident in how / what they are giving her? Is it stabilized aside from specific situations when she gets 'too emotional' (or what?)

* Be real with your mom. If YOU feel like crying w/ or in front of her, do it. I've learned that people with advanced dementia 'get it' when responding to them both non-verbally and emotionally. (Smiling, tone of voice, eye contact).

I know you are asking about guilt. For me, a person who has worked on my inner self for over five decades, it is / has been one of the hardest 'feelings' to deal with - no matter how much I did / do ... that guilt of the "I should ... I should have... all the while fighting with how exhausted I felt. There needs to be a balance of 'pushing through' and knowing when to stop / rest / renew. And, frankly, realize that guilt feels like s---t or crap. It just does. Running away from it doesn't help.

While it may sound like a contradiction, I reiterate: Be present w/how you feel - own it (don't push it away) and at the same time, give yourself distractions / refocus your attention (gardening, walking, listening to music - whatever feels healing).

While no substitute for you, consider finding / hiring people to socialize with your mom. Perhaps ask church or local volunteer organization to arrange volunteers to visit. (I did this for my friend-companion.). He had THE BEST volunteers, who loved him, and were faithful weekly visitors for close to two years.

Your mom will likely 'do' better with individual attention and arranging for others to visit - and she'll get to know them, will likely help her feel included, loved, cared about.

I am sorry that your husband left you, whatever the circumstances. Therapy will help you - with the right therapist. Screen them; it is not a one size fits all.

Gena / Touch Matters

I experienced the same concern, and it was really tough when the staff told me she called my name throughout the night. So, this is what I did: When my mom started to decline, I told myself that I want no regrets. So, I visited her virtually every day, fed her when she could no longer eat on her own, sat next to her bed when she started to fall asleep, held her hand, reminisced, took her to medical appointments, listened to music with her and told her I love her. I was still employed at the time (and still am), but I did everything possible under the circumstances. She would often tell me how much she appreciated my help and how special I am, so that helped me through that tremendously difficult ordeal. I miss her dearly and still get tears in my eyes, but I know I did everything I could. And that helps.

Guilt only comes from within. It has nothing to do with the people around you I has to do with how you feel about yourself. If you feel guilt for something you did or didn’t do in the past now it the time to come to peace with it before it becomes too late to say what you feel.

Going into Al/mc is an inherently depressing experience for anyone. There really is no way around it.

You need to realize that you are her only loyal protector, keeping her safe an comfortable as she will progress through different stages, needing the professional care that you cannot provide. Your role now is to be her guard at the door, making decisions for her care as the changes occur. Nobody else can do what you are doing for her. Your job is to stay healthy to complete this job for her. Be proud to be there for her. It’s a journey that will require a loving loyalty.

Use the airplane analogy and talk to yourself as a friend. Put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then help the dependent.
When we interviewed Memory Cares for my dad the director said, we have a staff of people who each work 8 hour shifts and have two days off a week. One person can’t care for someone 24/7.

There is so much good advice here.
I agree with those who say that you are doing the right thing by getting your mum the 24 hour help she needs and that you cannot provide. With the best will in the world, you can only do so much. Being an advocate and giving your mum your love, time and attention is enough.

I know the feelings of guilt can be overwhelming, but consider whether you can be the best advocate and company for your mum if you are overwhelmed. The answer will be "no", so you need to reframe your thinking and ditch the guilt. It isn't serving any useful purpose.

As others have said, counselling can help, as can cognitive behaviour therapy, which you can also learn to do on your own, if it's not easy to get a CBT counsellor.

One thing I think you should reconsider is your worry about the calming meds. Having recently witnessed my mum in distress, I thank all that is good for midazolam.
It helped Mum to feel calm and enabled her to have a peaceful death, which is the best any of us can hope for. But, yes, it did make mum sleep in her last days. I just thank goodness that she wasn't suffering.

I'm currently in the exact same position as you. I'm a guy and have never been married and had kids. I visit my Mom almost everyday at the nursing home. Her communication is not very good but I try to talk to her as much as I can. Most days she starts crying and I try to comfort her and tell her I don't want her to cry. I wish I was very rich and could hire enough CNAs and a couple of nurses to take care of Mom at home but unfortunately I'm not close to being rich. I have no idea what to say to help make things better. We have to deal with it the best we can but I really don't know how to that. I take things day by day and somehow get to the next day. I don't know how I do it. It is so hard.

Your mom chose to move to AL herself. Count yourself lucky there. That means the mom who raised you and loved you all those decades before the dementia took hold, did NOT want you to sacrifice your own life and your happiness to her old age. Stay firm in this conviction that the “real her” would not want that. Maybe you could try having an imaginary conversation with the mom you knew 20 years ago?

And for anyone whose parent really would prefer their adult child to sacrifice their own life and happiness for years on end- that’s a totally unfair, selfish, unrealistic, hurtful, unhealthy, and damaging expectation to put on your child. It should not be honored. Imagine if your friend told you this. What would you advise your friend to do?

I struggle with all this too. Therapy has helped. Reading comments like one below also helps. Regardless of how long my mom lives (she is nearly 80 now) I want to make it to my own old age knowing I have done the things I want for myself — including vacations, friends, hobbies, other family— not sacrificed it all for her old age. That doesn’t mean I don’t love her or that I’m not a good daughter. She may not be able to tell me “one or two visits per week is perfect, don’t worry, I’m just fine.” I have to set limits myself. Pretty much everyone does.

I don’t know how old your mom is, but let’s say she lives another 10-15 years like this, going very slowly downhill, then dies. Imagine yourself 10-15 years from now. Do you want to be able to say “I spent every waking hour with her for 10 years so she would not cry when I I left, forgoing all the pleasures I might have had in that time. Now I too am old and can’t do many of the things I hoped one day to do.” I hope not.

Bottom line — the decline and death of a beloved parent is hard no matter what you do. Choose the path where you do not sacrifice yourself as well as lose them.

I don't know why aging people do this. My own Mother cannot remember that at least one of her six children visits her every day and we all call her. Yet, when we are leaving, she never wants us to go. She says nobody comes to see her and she feels sad and abandoned. She is not abandoned. But she does feel very lonely. I understand your feelings of guilt, but you know you are doing all you can for her care. You are honoring her, you are caring for her. But you have to care for yourself as well, so that you can care for her. Dementia is so very difficult. Every situation is different. We do the best we can.

I think another idea is something I was told to do when I placed my partner in to his first Memory Care home. I was told to not visit at all for two weeks, to give him time to adjust to his new “ home” and family. While it was abrupt for me, they helped by calling me every night to tell me what he ate, etc. but, it worked. He didn’t last there because he was ambulatory and was going in to the other residents rooms. Thy made us find another place. Ultimately, I moved him 3 times until we found the ideal care for him. I think that two week “ break” reduced his expectations of visiting. He has never begged me to stay, and now, after 5 years in his excellent home, he doesn’t even respond much to me. He loves his caregiver. I have no guilt. This is all so hard, and there is no “ one size fits all” answer.

You are doing a great job. There is no easy decision but you are doing the best you can from a place of love. And plus losing your husband — that’s a lot of emotions and losses to navigate at once.

I hope this doesn’t sound bad but be sure to fill your cup up with doing things for yourself. It will help you focus on the positive in your life, and I’m sure your mama would want that for you.

I feel a lot of guilt too for my mom being in a SNF. The other day I wrote and meditated on the affirmation: “I do what I can to help my mom.” I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders.

You should feel no "guilt".
You can feel
sorrow
grief
anger (at the disease, not at mom)
helpless
You can know that you have done a good job caring for mom. Part of doing a good job is knowing when you can no longer do it safely either safely for you or her.
When you visit I am sure she is picking up on your feelings and that is why she cries when you leave.
Next time you visit before you leave get her involved with an activity, or if it is mealtime bring her to the table.
Make your good bye very low key. A hug, "I'll see you later" or "I'll be back" don't say "goodbye"
You ARE taking care of her by making sure she is safe and cared for.
You are not rambling everyone has these thoughts. It means you care.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom. My situation is different. My husband is in assisted living and he constantly tries to manipulate me and make me feel guilty. He wants to come back home (not happening!) and have me be his personal servant again. He keeps asking when I'm coming to see him when all he does is watch TV or we fight about things. He has always been emotionally abusive and I finally feel free. Life is too short to carry around a load of guilt. If one has truly done something wrong, repent and try better, but guilt does nothing but weigh a person down.