How do I get my dad to sell the house and move to elder care facility?

See an attorney. You will need guardianship over your father if his dementia is too bad for POA, and I suspect it is too bad at this point. Agreement with someone with advanced dementia won't work. You need an attorney.

If you have POA, then you can place Dad. My Mom was about 6th stage. We just told her she was going to a nice apartment and would make friends. You Dad is no longer able to make informed decisions. Its what he needs, not what he wants.

Guardianship, as I replied to Laurie, puts you in complete control. Its expensive but Dads money can be used. A Judge signs off that Dad can no longer make informed decisions and you are in control. You cannot receive guardianship if the person is competent to make their own decisions.

Like I said, Mom was like 6th stage. I did not even ask her what she wanted. I just did it. I was looking for respite care so I could go to nieces wedding. I found they were having a 50% off sale on room and board for the length of Moms stay. So I placed her. You need to just do what needs to be done. Dad will always say No if asked.

I suggest going with the plan you have before Dad runs out of money . I’m currently trying to support my nephew in navigating placement of my sister who has very little money due to 2 bad exes and the fact that she never made a lot of money and was not the best at handling what she did make. My nephew ( her only child) took her in 10 years ago . He has never taken a cent from her. She was using her social security for her car insurance , and supplemental medical insurance and medical bills , Rxs, clothing . She also wasted money frequently buying new cars . She had free room and board , utilities and cell phone etc . She’s been having cognitive , speech and gait issues . Finally got a vascular dementia diagnosis (MRI) today . She is currently also having severe delirium and now mostly paranoia post back surgery for severe compression fractures which were in danger of paralyzing her . She chose to do the surgery . And I doubt will ever be back to her baseline cognitively . She had delirium during two other hospitalizations . But this is the worst . The last time she never got back to where she was cognitively just prior . Trying to get rehab approved but the doctor is not optimistic. She is recommending Long Term care . Sis has no money for a nice facility as you describe . Unfortunately Medicaid in my state will not pay for memory care or assisted living . She will end up in SNF . She has been deemed to need 24/7 supervision which they were trying to force my nephew to take on at home . My nephew has to work and sis is off the wall. The PA was telling him that if he took her back home to familiar surroundings she MAY do better .
I am currently looking at Medicare ratings of SNFs for him . My nephew I think has rose colored glasses on about having choices . His choices if he has any will not be the best , as she will be Medicaid.
Do what you think is best . Your Dad can’t make decisions anymore .
Some countries have free very nice memory care facilities for dementia patients . The US does not . My nephew can not afford to put his Mom in a nice place. He is single , no kids , and is saving for his own retirement and old age care needs . I commend him for realizing that he cannot quit work and should not deplete his own retirement savings for a facility for his Mom.

You grow a thick second skin, first off.

It is HARD to be the 'parent'. But it often has to happen.

How many times in your life did your dad make you do something you didn't really want to do, but it was for your best?

My MIL was in a rehab after a bad fall last December. She was there for about 6 weeks, I don't recall the exact length of time.

SIL INSISTED that mil be brought home to 'die' as she was considered a case for Hospice. I balked (altho, I have NO VOICE and NO INPUT into this situation) Said it was the perfect time to have her placed in a LT care facility.

SIL refused--moved MIL back home and tried to make the CG work, Of course it didn't and it hasn't. It's been a nightmare for almost a year now.

For the first 3 months she was home she thought she WAS in a NH and kept commenting on how nice it was!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it finally hit her that she was home--she wasn't super thrilled. She has been 'independently' living, in Hospice @ home while her 3 kids shore her up.

My DH has POA. He will never enact it and he will never use it. She will someday die in her home, having burned all bridges behind her.

She would not even have to sell her home to afford the best of the best NH's. Now you can't even get her to step onto the back porch, she's so isolated.

My point being--IF my DH had been able to sway his sibs, MIL would have been moved to the best of the best ALF's and she'd be so much better off. She doesn't need nor want 'activities' or visitors. She wants to be alone and sees only her 3 kids and her 2 CNA's. I think her decline, slow as it's been, would have been much less stressful for so many people if she had been placed.

SIL is too 'whipped' to standup to her mom and the boys are too tired to do it.
we just go, week to week dealing with whatever pops up.

You probably WON'T get dad to agree, but you can still do this.

I had this problem with my husband, who is now in an assisted-living place that includes memory care. But for months after the hospital stay and near-death illness he had had, when he got home again, although he was clearly sinking into dementia and hallucinations, he kept announcing that he was GOING TO DIE AT HOME. I had to get 24-hour home helpers because after a while caring for him myself was about to put me in the hospital. Helpers were costing a FORTUNE. The two companies we tried each cost around $120,000 a year! I saw that he would have to die in 2 years -- by then he would go broke, and his care needs would be much greater as the end approached. We lived in small condos next door to each other and had separate finances -- a thing I highly recommend. His sons, both quite wealthy, were under the impression that hubby was sitting on wads of money and have been very cruel to me, letting me know at every opportunity that I am NOT a member of the family even though John and their mother had divorced and she died at least 15 years before I met him, AND he and I have been married for 30 years. Even though I was losing my mind and health trying to care for him, the money was all they thought of.

Anyway, what finally convinced my hubby, who was still lucid for portions of the day, was the money issue. I had to make out a very impersonal demonstration with statements, the value of his house and car, and so on, and contrast cost and worth carefully and as non-personally as I could, which was not easy; he kept falling back on the idea that I was just trying to make him die sooner so that I'd have "all" the money. He had this idea because the elder son came up with it and with every phone call repeated it. The elder son also attacked me with this idea -- that I was deliberately "discouraging his father from living," when in fact I was killing MYSELF to make his last years as peaceful and healthy as possible.

I searched until I found a nice facility like the one you seem to have found, and a. visit there, meeting the wonderful staff and many residents, made hubby soften up to the idea. The other thing that helped was that I WAS able to convince him that he only had about 2 years' money left and that if he stayed home, requiring home helpers, he would run out and have to beg his sons for money. (I have much less than he does and I have an old age coming on too!). Somehow the sudden realization that 1) he would HAVE to ask the sons for money, especially the elder very controlling one, to whom he is pretty submissive, and 2) if he ended up depending on them for care it would not be the loving and constant attention he gets from me. Also he finally understood that the AL place, while expensive, doesn't cost nearly as much as living in his house with helpers. AL gives him 3 very good meals a day, 24-hour nurse-on-site, laundry and apartment cleaning, and unless his care costs rise, AL costs about $50,000 a year LESS than home helpers.

So money worked as an encourager with him, but I had to be very careful not to increase his paranoia. And he began to realize that he would only have me and the helper as his ONLY company. AL gives him community.

Much luck to you...and please continue to find support on this forum.

There's really nothing you can do other than deploy POA IF you have it. If there is another POA/s you can work with them and ask for assistance on the issue. And, usually (and I don't know what state you live in) but Medicaid will count any assets he has when paying for care after a period of time and with their investigation of said assets. Look into that. In some states, the house is exempt from selling until it's needed. Your description of the situation is a tad sketchy due to his circumstances, so you should investigate further with aan estate attorney, one who specializes in Medicaid as well.
And seeing some of the responses for trying to gain control over a parent with a guardianship - be very careful if they already have a POA in place. That can get VERY messy in which it can involve family members who already disagree. I for one would fight, for example, and make it pure hell for a rogue sibling who has totally created a precarious situation where the desire was to fain incompetency just to punish our mother. Not having it.

I think what alot of us here have to remember is that questions and postings are only a SLIVER of what we can help each other with. When we give advice to each other, lets remember that alot of us here are already on the edge and that there are many many moving parts to each story/question posted.

I hope you're using his money, not yours, to pay for the healthcare professionals who currently care for him.

You're on the right track - getting him out of the house and selling it is the way to go. I don't believe you're going to be able to reason with him. Dementia destroys his ability to do that. Also he won't recall discussions where he's agreed to something. Follow the advice to find an attorney, and good luck.

It's too late for me, but I'll tell you my story. My father-in-law died a few weeks ago. He refused to see any doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc., for the past 10 years. We could not even get him to go into a car to take him to an appointment. He refused in-home care. He was declining both mentally and physically, and I begged my husband and his siblings (who live far away) to put him in a home. They refused to be proactive, and now I am the one who is stuck cleaning up the mess he left - both financial and in the poor condition of the property (which he would never fix; his answer was "it'll be your problem."). Be relentless and insistent.

My mother (86) some dementia, and father (87) frail lived 600 miles from me on a small farm. Every year since 2020 I have had to go sit with my mother for up to 4 weeks at a time while my father recovered from illness in a hospital. So this June when I had to use my vacation and sick leave from work I obtained POA for both of them. The very same day after the attorney left the hospital room I had an auctioneer arrive and had my mother and father sign papers to do an absolute auction for everything but the car, clothes and enough furniture and dishes for a small assisted living apartment. My father thought I was being mean to him but now since he is in the apartment , which is 7 miles from me, he is grateful. I should have done this years earlier, but now that it is done all has worked out very well. They would have lost everything if I would not have acted. My advice is to act swiftly and authoritatively, put the assets in the house to work for his well being.

First, get a "needs assessment" so that you know what level of care he needs.

Get him to a psychiatrist to evaluate the paranoia. There's meds for that.

Go look at facilities that have the appropriate level of care.

Tell dad he has a leaky roof. Or bugs. Or a hazmat condition and the house will be uninhabitable for 3 months.

Move dad.

Clear the house. Sell it if you have POA or guardianship.