How do I get my dad to sell the house and move to elder care facility?

You will need professional assistance:
a doctor to diagnose "mental incompetence" - that shows that your dad is not able to make decisions for his own medical care and/or finances;
a lawyer to help with legal processes to transfer decision-making powers to you - usually through a POA if dad is mentally competent or a guardianship if dad is mentally incompetent;
any other witnesses to support your claims that dad can not make wise decisions for himself.

I'm not checking any other answers but I'm 72 and you can be very beneficial by helping him transfer. I want to move out of my home for something modest. Even modest is over the top. I don't make enough money any longer even with my roommate. Try to be available and he may just be scared but doesn't want to feel needy

How is your Dad with numbers? Even though my Mom is in mid-late stage dementia, she can still subtract numbers and read (but not with comprehension).

First, I will tell you that I have little hope that you will accomplish what you have stated, unless your Mom and Dad talked about this scenario before she died. First, there will be the going through of your Mom's things that are left. Then there will the things that he would have to go through for himself. That is a huge order for someone who has dementia. Dementia means that he has bits and pieces of memory so I'm not sure which pieces he holds near and dear and which ones he doesn't. Maybe the contents of the house are not important, however being able to work in the garden is. You do need to slowly extract these nuggets out of him.

If he can do numbers, the best thing to do would be to write down his income and expenses and show him that he will run out of money. That is option 1. Don't be surprised if his first reaction is to get rid of the caregivers. Most people don't realize how much work and how much preventive work, the caregivers do for their patients.

With today's higher interest rates, another idea might be to take out a home equity loan to pay for things while you wait for house prices to recover and your Dad to make up his mind. That was the idea that was given to me by a property manager.

Another take would be, if he wants to keep the house so you could inherit it, would be to clean up the house, rent it, and also do the home equity loan. He might be willing to do that, rather than sell the house outright.

I'm assuming you have visited some of these managed care facilities so that you are aware of what they provide. If not, I suggest you do that, because places vary widely and the cost might be more than you think. In addition, you can always ask the facility for tips on how to market their facility to your Dad.

I'm also assuming you have already looked into other financial help. If he needs help 24 hours a day, his PCP can recommend a certain number of hours of home help. I'm also assuming that you have talked to a tax professional to ensure that he is NOT over-paying his taxes.

I wish you well on the financial journey. It is really hard when an elderly person runs out of money.

One with dementia won't agree to move. You place them in memory care and just keep answering why. Like, "You are just downsizing to a one bedroom apartment" or whatever response works for you.

donder: Retain an elder law attorney posthaste.

My mother (86) some dementia, and father (87) frail lived 600 miles from me on a small farm. Every year since 2020 I have had to go sit with my mother for up to 4 weeks at a time while my father recovered from illness in a hospital. So this June when I had to use my vacation and sick leave from work I obtained POA for both of them. The very same day after the attorney left the hospital room I had an auctioneer arrive and had my mother and father sign papers to do an absolute auction for everything but the car, clothes and enough furniture and dishes for a small assisted living apartment. My father thought I was being mean to him but now since he is in the apartment , which is 7 miles from me, he is grateful. I should have done this years earlier, but now that it is done all has worked out very well. They would have lost everything if I would not have acted. My advice is to act swiftly and authoritatively, put the assets in the house to work for his well being.

Have you checked your financial figures. If he is going to run out of money shortly, he may not be able to afford a facility.They do not necessarily keep a person who has run out of money! I would check with your area's aging resources, states usually have them. Ask them for a solution, and I hope there is one.

You grow a thick second skin, first off.

It is HARD to be the 'parent'. But it often has to happen.

How many times in your life did your dad make you do something you didn't really want to do, but it was for your best?

My MIL was in a rehab after a bad fall last December. She was there for about 6 weeks, I don't recall the exact length of time.

SIL INSISTED that mil be brought home to 'die' as she was considered a case for Hospice. I balked (altho, I have NO VOICE and NO INPUT into this situation) Said it was the perfect time to have her placed in a LT care facility.

SIL refused--moved MIL back home and tried to make the CG work, Of course it didn't and it hasn't. It's been a nightmare for almost a year now.

For the first 3 months she was home she thought she WAS in a NH and kept commenting on how nice it was!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it finally hit her that she was home--she wasn't super thrilled. She has been 'independently' living, in Hospice @ home while her 3 kids shore her up.

My DH has POA. He will never enact it and he will never use it. She will someday die in her home, having burned all bridges behind her.

She would not even have to sell her home to afford the best of the best NH's. Now you can't even get her to step onto the back porch, she's so isolated.

My point being--IF my DH had been able to sway his sibs, MIL would have been moved to the best of the best ALF's and she'd be so much better off. She doesn't need nor want 'activities' or visitors. She wants to be alone and sees only her 3 kids and her 2 CNA's. I think her decline, slow as it's been, would have been much less stressful for so many people if she had been placed.

SIL is too 'whipped' to standup to her mom and the boys are too tired to do it.
we just go, week to week dealing with whatever pops up.

You probably WON'T get dad to agree, but you can still do this.

I fooled my Dad into coming to our house for the weekend and just never took him home. He never asked about his house again, only his cars. Two months later he went to assisted living. 8 months later he fell and broke his hip, after lots of rehab, now in memory care. All that to say, sometimes you have to “lie”. I was able to sell the house through all of that, and that now pays for the memory care. 😢

YOU hired “healthcare professionals to cook and take care of him”? If that’s the literal truth, then YOU fire them. This is a situation of ‘fake independence’ that needs to fall over before the money runs out. And NO expensive 'healthcare professionals' is exactly what will happen IF the money runs out.

Have you tried to get his doctor to tell him he needs to move ? I tried that but it didn’t work. Has Dad been deemed incompetent to make decisions ? Have you tried telling him he has to move ?

I could not get my Mom to move or let help in , So I called to have the County area Agency of Aging come out , they sent a social worker out to assess Mom’s needs because she would not leave her home and would not let help in . Your Dad is letting help in but perhaps the social worker can convince Dad to move ? The social worker that saw my Mom interviewed her and deemed she needed 24/7 supervision and could not be home alone any part of the day . Maybe your Dad should not be alone at all either . The social worker was prepared to return to the house with a strong person to physically remove my mother from the house and place her in an assisted living that I chose. Mom ended up in the hospital before that happened . When it was time for hospital discharge she went straight to the assisted living place. I did have POA though to do this .
Do you have POA?
The social worker told me to stop helping . She said .” You have to let them fail at living independently , for them to realize they need help “ . But my Mom was too stubborn and too far gone to realize she needed help thanks to siblings interference keeping Mom home alone unsafe too long, throwing food I made , eating only cookies and not washing , changing clothes . My siblings finally gave in when Mom almost burned the house down putting the wrong type of bulb in a light above the kitchen table . If she hadn’t ended up in the hospital she would have been removed from the house .

It's too late for me, but I'll tell you my story. My father-in-law died a few weeks ago. He refused to see any doctor, dentist, optometrist, etc., for the past 10 years. We could not even get him to go into a car to take him to an appointment. He refused in-home care. He was declining both mentally and physically, and I begged my husband and his siblings (who live far away) to put him in a home. They refused to be proactive, and now I am the one who is stuck cleaning up the mess he left - both financial and in the poor condition of the property (which he would never fix; his answer was "it'll be your problem."). Be relentless and insistent.

Any POA's listed to this date? Not sure any facility is going to be "half the cost". Try gaining some ground with a medicaid/estate/elder law attorney.

I suggest going with the plan you have before Dad runs out of money . I’m currently trying to support my nephew in navigating placement of my sister who has very little money due to 2 bad exes and the fact that she never made a lot of money and was not the best at handling what she did make. My nephew ( her only child) took her in 10 years ago . He has never taken a cent from her. She was using her social security for her car insurance , and supplemental medical insurance and medical bills , Rxs, clothing . She also wasted money frequently buying new cars . She had free room and board , utilities and cell phone etc . She’s been having cognitive , speech and gait issues . Finally got a vascular dementia diagnosis (MRI) today . She is currently also having severe delirium and now mostly paranoia post back surgery for severe compression fractures which were in danger of paralyzing her . She chose to do the surgery . And I doubt will ever be back to her baseline cognitively . She had delirium during two other hospitalizations . But this is the worst . The last time she never got back to where she was cognitively just prior . Trying to get rehab approved but the doctor is not optimistic. She is recommending Long Term care . Sis has no money for a nice facility as you describe . Unfortunately Medicaid in my state will not pay for memory care or assisted living . She will end up in SNF . She has been deemed to need 24/7 supervision which they were trying to force my nephew to take on at home . My nephew has to work and sis is off the wall. The PA was telling him that if he took her back home to familiar surroundings she MAY do better .
I am currently looking at Medicare ratings of SNFs for him . My nephew I think has rose colored glasses on about having choices . His choices if he has any will not be the best , as she will be Medicaid.
Do what you think is best . Your Dad can’t make decisions anymore .
Some countries have free very nice memory care facilities for dementia patients . The US does not . My nephew can not afford to put his Mom in a nice place. He is single , no kids , and is saving for his own retirement and old age care needs . I commend him for realizing that he cannot quit work and should not deplete his own retirement savings for a facility for his Mom.

Get an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney and find out if Dad will qualify for Medicaid when he "runs out of money." If so, then your challenge will be to find memory care where he can get funded.

Your dad has dementia and paranoia I don't think you are going to be able to get him to agree to anything. What happens when he runs out of money?

There's really nothing you can do other than deploy POA IF you have it. If there is another POA/s you can work with them and ask for assistance on the issue. And, usually (and I don't know what state you live in) but Medicaid will count any assets he has when paying for care after a period of time and with their investigation of said assets. Look into that. In some states, the house is exempt from selling until it's needed. Your description of the situation is a tad sketchy due to his circumstances, so you should investigate further with aan estate attorney, one who specializes in Medicaid as well.
And seeing some of the responses for trying to gain control over a parent with a guardianship - be very careful if they already have a POA in place. That can get VERY messy in which it can involve family members who already disagree. I for one would fight, for example, and make it pure hell for a rogue sibling who has totally created a precarious situation where the desire was to fain incompetency just to punish our mother. Not having it.

I think what alot of us here have to remember is that questions and postings are only a SLIVER of what we can help each other with. When we give advice to each other, lets remember that alot of us here are already on the edge and that there are many many moving parts to each story/question posted.

Do you have any idea of the abuse and neglect that happens in these facilities. Do NOT do that to your father.

You can get help to pay for his home care.

There are programs in every state to assist with paying for care and for things they may need in the home. We have a great program here called IRIS that will pay the healthcare provider (which includes family) and also helps pay for any other needs not covered by insurance. So any modifications needed to the home and/or activities that they might like to do.

Please consider your father's wishes and do not take away everything he has worked for his whole life. He just lost his wife and there is no need to destroy the little happiness he has left. Please look into these options to stay in his own home.

If you have POA, then you can place Dad. My Mom was about 6th stage. We just told her she was going to a nice apartment and would make friends. You Dad is no longer able to make informed decisions. Its what he needs, not what he wants.

Guardianship, as I replied to Laurie, puts you in complete control. Its expensive but Dads money can be used. A Judge signs off that Dad can no longer make informed decisions and you are in control. You cannot receive guardianship if the person is competent to make their own decisions.

Like I said, Mom was like 6th stage. I did not even ask her what she wanted. I just did it. I was looking for respite care so I could go to nieces wedding. I found they were having a 50% off sale on room and board for the length of Moms stay. So I placed her. You need to just do what needs to be done. Dad will always say No if asked.

I am seeing several answers here that refer to Legal Guardianship. It's not the end-all. My stepmother has dementia, however, she absolutely refused to stay at the memory care unit while we renovated the house to "rid of the bugs and fix the heating system". She is at that In-between stage where she is capable of feeding herself- when she remembers; bathes herself- occasionally. She functions well enough that she's not appropriate for a lock down floor yet incapable of making safe decisions. And my legal guardianship means nothing.

I had this problem with my husband, who is now in an assisted-living place that includes memory care. But for months after the hospital stay and near-death illness he had had, when he got home again, although he was clearly sinking into dementia and hallucinations, he kept announcing that he was GOING TO DIE AT HOME. I had to get 24-hour home helpers because after a while caring for him myself was about to put me in the hospital. Helpers were costing a FORTUNE. The two companies we tried each cost around $120,000 a year! I saw that he would have to die in 2 years -- by then he would go broke, and his care needs would be much greater as the end approached. We lived in small condos next door to each other and had separate finances -- a thing I highly recommend. His sons, both quite wealthy, were under the impression that hubby was sitting on wads of money and have been very cruel to me, letting me know at every opportunity that I am NOT a member of the family even though John and their mother had divorced and she died at least 15 years before I met him, AND he and I have been married for 30 years. Even though I was losing my mind and health trying to care for him, the money was all they thought of.

Anyway, what finally convinced my hubby, who was still lucid for portions of the day, was the money issue. I had to make out a very impersonal demonstration with statements, the value of his house and car, and so on, and contrast cost and worth carefully and as non-personally as I could, which was not easy; he kept falling back on the idea that I was just trying to make him die sooner so that I'd have "all" the money. He had this idea because the elder son came up with it and with every phone call repeated it. The elder son also attacked me with this idea -- that I was deliberately "discouraging his father from living," when in fact I was killing MYSELF to make his last years as peaceful and healthy as possible.

I searched until I found a nice facility like the one you seem to have found, and a. visit there, meeting the wonderful staff and many residents, made hubby soften up to the idea. The other thing that helped was that I WAS able to convince him that he only had about 2 years' money left and that if he stayed home, requiring home helpers, he would run out and have to beg his sons for money. (I have much less than he does and I have an old age coming on too!). Somehow the sudden realization that 1) he would HAVE to ask the sons for money, especially the elder very controlling one, to whom he is pretty submissive, and 2) if he ended up depending on them for care it would not be the loving and constant attention he gets from me. Also he finally understood that the AL place, while expensive, doesn't cost nearly as much as living in his house with helpers. AL gives him 3 very good meals a day, 24-hour nurse-on-site, laundry and apartment cleaning, and unless his care costs rise, AL costs about $50,000 a year LESS than home helpers.

So money worked as an encourager with him, but I had to be very careful not to increase his paranoia. And he began to realize that he would only have me and the helper as his ONLY company. AL gives him community.

Much luck to you...and please continue to find support on this forum.

Have you have officially been designated POA for your father? If so, you may need to proceed with decisions for his safety and well being .
Speak with his PCP, to get an accurate " level of care needs assessment" for him and, ask the PCP to assign a Geriatric Case Manager to him. This professional should be helpful to you both regarding coping and decisions.
You may also glean valuable insight by conferring with an Elder Law Attorney.

I hope you're using his money, not yours, to pay for the healthcare professionals who currently care for him.

You're on the right track - getting him out of the house and selling it is the way to go. I don't believe you're going to be able to reason with him. Dementia destroys his ability to do that. Also he won't recall discussions where he's agreed to something. Follow the advice to find an attorney, and good luck.

First, get a "needs assessment" so that you know what level of care he needs.

Get him to a psychiatrist to evaluate the paranoia. There's meds for that.

Go look at facilities that have the appropriate level of care.

Tell dad he has a leaky roof. Or bugs. Or a hazmat condition and the house will be uninhabitable for 3 months.

Move dad.

Clear the house. Sell it if you have POA or guardianship.

Are you POA?
If not you may have to become his Guardian.
Once you have Guardianship if he has been deemed incompetent then you can place him in a facility that will meet his care needs.
As his Guardian you act in his best interest in all decisions financial and medical.
This is also true if you are his POA.
Begin the application process for Medicaid.
If he is a Veteran the VA may be able to provide some help. It might be a little or a lot depending on where and when he served.
Contact the VA or your local Veterans Assistance Commission (neither charge for their services)

See an attorney. You will need guardianship over your father if his dementia is too bad for POA, and I suspect it is too bad at this point. Agreement with someone with advanced dementia won't work. You need an attorney.