I was married to my husband for 38 years. We had been together for 41 years until he passed on 12/26/20. He was just 61 when he passed from a rare form of dementia. I thought I would be good after he passed away but I'm finding out it is hard. I have a hard time making simple decisions around the house and I can get overwhelmed easily. I am making mistakes at work that I never made before. I wanted to work full-time until age 70 but I'm thinking maybe in 6 1/2 years when I'm 65. I find peace when I have my weekends to myself.
Can you join a support group for widows in your area? Grief counseling can be a valuable resource for you, perhaps one-on-one with a therapist even. Elisabeth-Kubler Ross has written some wonderful books on the subject, you may want to check out on Amazon or from your local library.
I think it's hard to focus & concentrate when a person has suffered a major life change, such as a death, so it's not surprising you're making mistakes at work. Making decisions on your own is tough, too, since it's easy to second guess yourself when you don't have another person to roll ideas off of. I'm sorry you're alone now & processing all these changes along with the grief.
Do you have children who can help you? Good friends to call on to have coffee with or share a meal with? Reach out to people now and ask for help and companionship. Being alone can be peaceful, but being with loved ones can also bring a level of comfort during times of grief. Maybe join a book club when you feel able to focus on reading again *if that is something you enjoy* or perhaps take a cooking class. Learning a new hobby can be a good distraction, too.
Wishing you all the best as you go through such a difficult time, my friend. May God bless you and bring you comfort.
I've been finding it very therapeutic to write stories of my husbands journey. One of the very first things I wrote was a long list of things that I was grateful for with my husband. Thornton Wilder said that "the greatest tribute to the dead is not grief, but gratitude," so I thought what better way to honor his memory than with a list of all the things I was grateful for. These were things that I let him know when he was still alive, but I like to on occasion, now that he's gone, go back and read that list as it always makes me smile.
All cities offer support groups called Grief Share, that meet now on Zoom(although I think some are starting to meet in person again). There are usually many different meetings at different times and days, so if you're not already involved in that, that might be a good option for you.
I was a single mom for 7 years before I married my husband, so I was used to making all the decisions, and a year and a half after we were married my husband had a massive stroke, so I've been making all important decisions for as long as we were married, so that isn't an issue for me, but I can certainly relate to the getting overwhelmed easily. That's why I'm trying to keep the stress out of my life, as I've had more than my fair share.
Please take care of yourself, and do something special for yourself every day. It doesn't have to be anything big, but it has to be something. They say it will get easier over time. I'm sure it will, but it's important for both of us now to allow ourselves to grieve how ever long it takes, for the men we loved. Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you, as you go on without your husband.
I would suggest that you get some counseling til you get through needing.take one day at a time,keep putting one foot in front of the othér one day you will realize you are doing the bills, grocery, shopping going to church all on your own.Remember the poem call "Footprints". Right now there are no footprints cause God is caring you one day soon you will see your footprints cause God is no longer carrying you but walking by your side. "He will never leave or forsake thee". God bless
But another point is the pressure you've been under. Early onset dementia is hard, and how long were you living with it? Imagine an elephant has been sitting on you (and gaining weight) over that length of time, and now the elephant has got up and moved away. The unremitting stress and tension are gone but you'd hardly expect to feel straightforward relief. Your whole world is different. *You* are different.
I won't guess at a time line, although it's good that you are at work and I hope you have an enlightened employer? Recovery is different for everyone, and often doesn't follow a simple forward path - there may be times when you thought you were feeling better only to be knocked off your feet again. The absolutely critical thing to hold on tight to is that you will not feel like this forever.
Back to basics, too: are you taking reasonably good care of yourself physically? Diet, exercise, sleep?
May I suggest that you join a grief group - either online or in-person. I highly recommend GriefShare, all the members are going through loss of a loved one or have completed walking that path awhile ago. They give the best guidance.
If groups are difficult for you, consider meeting weekly with a counsellor to help process your grief and all these new changes in your life. Some can meet online and others in person.
Talk to your boss or clients about the fact that you are dealing with a major life event. Consider cutting back on responsibilities or hours for a couple of months - come to an agreement - in order to have time you need for this transition. Then, gradually add back your former responsibilities or hours until you are back at your "normal." This may ease the job stress you are feeling. Most work situations are more sensitive about changes due to major family events (marriages, births, moves, deaths). If this can not happen, then cut back expectations on the home front until you are managing work well. Then, add home expectations gradually.
For quite awhile after my husband died, I could not read so much as a sentence in the newspaper, and I dissolved in tears when I had to speak to Customer "Service" on the phone. I wrote checks for the wrong amounts and I was certain I needed to sign myself into a Home for the Mentally Deranged.
It gets better. It takes time. For me it was at least 8 months before I could cope more adequately with every day demands and could begin to build on "What's next."
Your confusion sounds very familiar. Take all the time you need. Ask for help with legal paperwork and decisions. Professionals will know how to do things correctly. You will get back to yourself in time.
I found myself in a mental fog. I also couldn’t make simple decisions.
I would go out with a good attitude, and sometimes leave the grocery store in tears, simply because the cashier would ask, “How are you today?”
This will all clear. Be gentle on yourself. Work out. Get out of the house.
The fog will lift. You will be stronger.
In our culture it seems that we expect those that suffer loss to recover quickly and “just get back in the saddle” within a short period of time. I mean, what is the average paid leave benefit for the death of a loved one nowadays? In my last job, (years ago maybe things are better) the paid leave for the death of close family members was three days. You could request more, but it wasn’t paid unless you wanted to use “approved” vacation time. And even good friends expect us to get back to normal and just get out of the house. But it seems as if nothing feels the same.
If you can pull yourself together try to find some individual counseling for your grief and then move to a bereavement support group. Contact your local hospice and see if they have, or can point you to resources. If there is someone you can trust, perhaps they will come to the first few groups with you. But above all realize you have been through a traumatic experience and allow yourself much, much more time to get back to baseline functioning.
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