I was married to my husband for 38 years. We had been together for 41 years until he passed on 12/26/20. He was just 61 when he passed from a rare form of dementia. I thought I would be good after he passed away but I'm finding out it is hard. I have a hard time making simple decisions around the house and I can get overwhelmed easily. I am making mistakes at work that I never made before. I wanted to work full-time until age 70 but I'm thinking maybe in 6 1/2 years when I'm 65. I find peace when I have my weekends to myself.
Can you join a support group for widows in your area? Grief counseling can be a valuable resource for you, perhaps one-on-one with a therapist even. Elisabeth-Kubler Ross has written some wonderful books on the subject, you may want to check out on Amazon or from your local library.
I think it's hard to focus & concentrate when a person has suffered a major life change, such as a death, so it's not surprising you're making mistakes at work. Making decisions on your own is tough, too, since it's easy to second guess yourself when you don't have another person to roll ideas off of. I'm sorry you're alone now & processing all these changes along with the grief.
Do you have children who can help you? Good friends to call on to have coffee with or share a meal with? Reach out to people now and ask for help and companionship. Being alone can be peaceful, but being with loved ones can also bring a level of comfort during times of grief. Maybe join a book club when you feel able to focus on reading again *if that is something you enjoy* or perhaps take a cooking class. Learning a new hobby can be a good distraction, too.
Wishing you all the best as you go through such a difficult time, my friend. May God bless you and bring you comfort.
I've been finding it very therapeutic to write stories of my husbands journey. One of the very first things I wrote was a long list of things that I was grateful for with my husband. Thornton Wilder said that "the greatest tribute to the dead is not grief, but gratitude," so I thought what better way to honor his memory than with a list of all the things I was grateful for. These were things that I let him know when he was still alive, but I like to on occasion, now that he's gone, go back and read that list as it always makes me smile.
All cities offer support groups called Grief Share, that meet now on Zoom(although I think some are starting to meet in person again). There are usually many different meetings at different times and days, so if you're not already involved in that, that might be a good option for you.
I was a single mom for 7 years before I married my husband, so I was used to making all the decisions, and a year and a half after we were married my husband had a massive stroke, so I've been making all important decisions for as long as we were married, so that isn't an issue for me, but I can certainly relate to the getting overwhelmed easily. That's why I'm trying to keep the stress out of my life, as I've had more than my fair share.
Please take care of yourself, and do something special for yourself every day. It doesn't have to be anything big, but it has to be something. They say it will get easier over time. I'm sure it will, but it's important for both of us now to allow ourselves to grieve how ever long it takes, for the men we loved. Praying for God's peace and comfort to be with you, as you go on without your husband.
Then pat yourself on the back for every decision you do/can make. Cereal or pancakes for breakfast? Soup or salad for lunch? Easy decisions you can make. You seem to be going thru what I did after my dad died. I was depressed. Couldn't decide to turn left or right leaving my house. Couldn't decide to wear my black flats or navy blue flats.
Can you visit with your doctor and see if a mild anti depressant could help? I take them now since my husband's diagnosis of dementia. It helps keep me level. I no longer spend everyday sitting on the sofa in my nightgown.
Can you take a week or so off from your job? And just pamper yourself. Long bubble bath. Mani/pedi, hour long massage?
Sending you a huge hug and waves of comforting energy.
Your grief can cause loss of concentration at work, make simple decisions more difficult, and zap your energy. There are many emotions and feelings you can go thru during this grief journey. Grief, guilt, gratitude are just three. Grief comes at the loss of a LO and you can't prevent it. Some people feel guilt because of something they did or something they didn't do, but guilt is self imposed, it needn't be. Gratitude, however, can overcome guilt and help lessen grief. Although you would have liked to celebrate many more than 38 yrs of marriage, find gratitude in those years that brings a smile to you face.
A book I found very helpful is “Getting to the Other Side of Grief, Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse”. It's not too late to find a dementia support group. Many of them also serve as grief support groups.
I hope you are talking to someone either a Bereavement Counselor, Therapist anyone that can help you.
What you are describing is the very reason "they" say not to make any major decisions for at least 1 year after the death of a loved one.
Have you taken any time for yourself?
Yes you need to keep busy but you also have to cope with this tremendous loss. Make no plans now for what you will do in 6 1/2 years. A LOT can happen.
It takes time to heal, years even, you have just begun the process.
Just remember it's a day to day process and know that it will truly start getting a little better every day..
You should find and go to meetings, where others have lost their spouse.
It's good to talk to ones that are dealing with what you are going thru.
Try to do more fun things just for you like getting a manicure, massage, ect.
Start a new hobby, something you've always thought about.
Go on a Vacation.
Good idea to retire when you can.
Prayers
Nobody is going to escape death so it is natural to die. You are going to have to give yourself time. What you are going through is natural.
You have to carry on because what other option is there? Crack up? It won't bring them back. Nothing will no matter how much you cry or wish them back--they are gone.
Have you any friends to hang out with? You need that. Go out and enjoy yourself with them. That helps me out a lot.
What helped me adapt to mom's death is keeping a schedule or routine and just go through it. I ride my bicycle everyday too.
But yes those first six months are the hardest. you are going to need friends. If you don't have anybody you can talk to, see a counselor. If your husband was on hospice they will connect you with support.
If after one year you still cannot get on with the pulse of the living, keep this in mind about "complicated grief".
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/complicated-grief/symptoms-causes/syc-20360374
Try to keep a schedule and try not make any drastic changes since this death is a change in itself.
I run the moment when he went through the door into the unit, explaining to the nurses how I had bought this special cane for him and laughing, and I want to pull him back and just run away with him. I wanted to help him get his demons under control, not to die. And even though others tell me this rapid progression is not unusual I can't get past it.
Like you, if I had my druthers I probably would have quit work and any other obligation because it all seemed too overwhelming, but to do what? Sit in silence, or tears? I was glad to read about not making any major decisions for a year and I may cling to that. I haven't even unpacked the bags from the hospice stay and it's been two weeks. When I made it through an entire meal or television show I counted it as victories.
I am in therapy though the sessions so far are just me crying. It's so quiet, and all that sleep I thought I would catch up on seems elusive.
We just have to get through it. I don't think there are any shortcuts.
I would suggest that you get some counseling til you get through needing.take one day at a time,keep putting one foot in front of the othér one day you will realize you are doing the bills, grocery, shopping going to church all on your own.Remember the poem call "Footprints". Right now there are no footprints cause God is caring you one day soon you will see your footprints cause God is no longer carrying you but walking by your side. "He will never leave or forsake thee". God bless
The amount of loneliness is unbearable at times. You had made that strong bond knowing that part of you would attend to other matters that concerned you.
But, I advise you to get a genuine man friend to help you where faminimity over rides you. Men can be understanding and helpful.
My husband of 23 years was killed in a car accident .We knew each other for 27 years. It was sudden and hurt all family members. His side of the family and my children decided to process things on their own. That pretty well took me out of a lot of support. I almost ended my life.
26 years later my children are beginning to talk with me. I have 3 grandchildren and I suppose that is why.
I am thankful for the counseling support I received. I have formed a different life than what I ever thought. But, I am well and thankful for this new life God has provided me with.
Please be patient with yourself. Please find non- judgemental support. Maybe talk with your Dr. I went on medication for a short time. In my case it helped.
I have found all of life has changes that we didn't think would happen. It becomes a matter of resilency if we come out successful. But, it does take more time than we want usually. In America and most of the world we want things to work NOW. All of life takes time. Please give yourself the luxury of time.
May I suggest that you join a grief group - either online or in-person. I highly recommend GriefShare, all the members are going through loss of a loved one or have completed walking that path awhile ago. They give the best guidance.
If groups are difficult for you, consider meeting weekly with a counsellor to help process your grief and all these new changes in your life. Some can meet online and others in person.
Talk to your boss or clients about the fact that you are dealing with a major life event. Consider cutting back on responsibilities or hours for a couple of months - come to an agreement - in order to have time you need for this transition. Then, gradually add back your former responsibilities or hours until you are back at your "normal." This may ease the job stress you are feeling. Most work situations are more sensitive about changes due to major family events (marriages, births, moves, deaths). If this can not happen, then cut back expectations on the home front until you are managing work well. Then, add home expectations gradually.
But another point is the pressure you've been under. Early onset dementia is hard, and how long were you living with it? Imagine an elephant has been sitting on you (and gaining weight) over that length of time, and now the elephant has got up and moved away. The unremitting stress and tension are gone but you'd hardly expect to feel straightforward relief. Your whole world is different. *You* are different.
I won't guess at a time line, although it's good that you are at work and I hope you have an enlightened employer? Recovery is different for everyone, and often doesn't follow a simple forward path - there may be times when you thought you were feeling better only to be knocked off your feet again. The absolutely critical thing to hold on tight to is that you will not feel like this forever.
Back to basics, too: are you taking reasonably good care of yourself physically? Diet, exercise, sleep?
For quite awhile after my husband died, I could not read so much as a sentence in the newspaper, and I dissolved in tears when I had to speak to Customer "Service" on the phone. I wrote checks for the wrong amounts and I was certain I needed to sign myself into a Home for the Mentally Deranged.
It gets better. It takes time. For me it was at least 8 months before I could cope more adequately with every day demands and could begin to build on "What's next."
Your confusion sounds very familiar. Take all the time you need. Ask for help with legal paperwork and decisions. Professionals will know how to do things correctly. You will get back to yourself in time.
I found myself in a mental fog. I also couldn’t make simple decisions.
I would go out with a good attitude, and sometimes leave the grocery store in tears, simply because the cashier would ask, “How are you today?”
This will all clear. Be gentle on yourself. Work out. Get out of the house.
The fog will lift. You will be stronger.
Your brain fog will not always dominate your day and your grieving response will take its appropriate place in your life.
I love the quote that eventually you "put your grief in your pocket and carry it with you."
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.
I am married 43 years today.
Even though we are individuals our spouses truly are a part of us.
We do become ‘one’ in our married lives.
Is there a specific time table for grief? No, I don’t think so. It’s different for all of us.
Some people keep on moving and won’t allow themselves to grieve which isn’t healthy.
Others stay in a deep state of grief and do not even attempt to move forward. They miss out on life which is sad because their deceased spouse would never have wanted them to grieve forever!
Those who have lost a spouse deserve to live a full life. I wish peace and comfort all in this situation.
You are in the grieving process. Give yourself time. Don’t rush.
Don’t hesitate to see a grief counselor.
I wish that I could recommend a good book but I haven’t read any except for children’s books which I read to my daughters when they were younger and lost grandparents. Maybe other posters know of a good book about losing a spouse.
My husband was recently diagnosed with cancer and I was beside myself. He has responded well to his treatments and only has hormone treatments left.
I can’t imagine how it feels to lose your lifelong partner. I am so very sorry. It must be your biggest heartache. It would be for me.
Wishing you peace.
Take care.
In our culture it seems that we expect those that suffer loss to recover quickly and “just get back in the saddle” within a short period of time. I mean, what is the average paid leave benefit for the death of a loved one nowadays? In my last job, (years ago maybe things are better) the paid leave for the death of close family members was three days. You could request more, but it wasn’t paid unless you wanted to use “approved” vacation time. And even good friends expect us to get back to normal and just get out of the house. But it seems as if nothing feels the same.
If you can pull yourself together try to find some individual counseling for your grief and then move to a bereavement support group. Contact your local hospice and see if they have, or can point you to resources. If there is someone you can trust, perhaps they will come to the first few groups with you. But above all realize you have been through a traumatic experience and allow yourself much, much more time to get back to baseline functioning.
In understanding that you are not thinking clearly because of your grief;
One Major recommendation is to not make any major decisions for at least six months (some say a year).
While individual or group counseling may not be a viable option (especially during the pandemic) the I suggest you Google; Hope for Bereaved, Syracuse, New York. They are a wonderful resource for many reasons.
The have produced and sell a dynamic book, I believe by the same name. It is a collection of letters that touch on all emotions and across all categories of death, including the loss of an elder partner in life. If gotten, you may find comfort in knowing your not alone. They also offer a host of other services free of charges and are truly an example of ‘Angels amongst us’.
Be forgiving and patient with yourself...
wayne