How do I respond when my mother says, "I just want to die."?
For the past 3-4 months my 93 year old mother (with stage 5-6 dementia), says that she wishes she was dead every time we visit, often, many times during the visit. I have answered, "God will take you when He's ready for you." I asked what I could do for her to help her not think this way. She can't think of anything to make her want to remain living. She eats and sleeps well and has no medical problems. She's lived alone for the past 30 years before the dementia, so is not very social with the other residents.
She's aware that her memory is gone, that she can't figure things out anymore and that she's confused at times. I've asked the staff at the memory care facility if she tells them she wants to die and the nurse said no. I asked the nurse to get in touch with the doctor to ask about anti-depressants but, knowing how poorly very elderly people metabolize medicines, I'm not sure that would be the best answer either. She was always a drama queen in her adult life and bordering hypochondriac.
Is she fishing for more attention from my husband and me or is she just expressing her real opinion to me, something she wouldn't say to the caregivers.
I've tried diversion (good for about 5 minutes) and explaining the benefits of living (waste of breath). What's the best way to respond?
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It's in our nature, when someone expresses a desire to die, to say something like, "Oh, you don't mean that!" Or "There are so many people who are worse off than you." Or even, "Mom, that upsets me when you say that. Can we please talk about something else?"
Listen to what she has to say. Just listen. Let her express her feelings without judgement or condemnation or expressing how uncomfortable her feelings make you. Ask her why she wants to die. "Mom, can you share with me why you feel that way?"
She's trying to be heard. So make sure she is.
Take her to a neurologist, preferably one that might have more experience with dementia and Alzheimers. With the condition, different anti-depressant medications can possibly make her symptoms even worse. I just went through this with my mom who is still in the early stages. We've finally got her on meds, and I've seen a world of difference.
Also don't forget to take care of yourself. As someone who just went through this with their parent, I understand that it can be so painful to hear your loved one say something like they wish for death. You try to do so much for them, and it's still not enough in their eyes. Take some time to step back and realize that it's the condition and depression at work here, not any failure on your part. Try your best to handle any guilt you might feel and discuss your emotions with people you trust or with a doctor. You can't help someone when you yourself are drowning.
Wish you the best.
I think it's helpful for you to know the situation and I'm at fault for not explaining it. Mom has Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's and has lived in a memory facility for the past 9 months. She cannot recall most things, (previous husbands, siblings and even who I am at times), so trying to rekindle old memories is pretty much impossible. I've done that and she "zones out".
I'm an only child. Hubby and I can only visit once a week due to work schedules. We try to take her out to eat and a break from the monotony of the care facility. I have to order for her.
My mom was raised by very stoic, old country Swedish parents, so she is the opposite of a "touchy-feely" person. It actually agitates her to be touched and you can feel her tense up. So much for hugs, kisses and rubs. (Never had that as a kid, either, although I love it).
I will ask the geriatrician connected with the facility if he thinks it would be a good idea to prescribe antidepressants but I'm hesitant to further alter her already compromised mental state. Medication titration and side effects can be tricky in the very old.
She is able to walk with a cane but needs to be strongly encouraged to get out of bed. Previously she lived alone for 30 years so she's not very social. In her younger years she never had any girlfriends (I'd die without mine!) much preferring to be the center of attention with men. To this day, she prefers talking to my husband over me.
I will try to change my response to her "I just want to die", and attempt to get more response from her, instead of shutting down the conversation. I see now how my "when God's ready for you" response discourages further conversation.
Since she is aware that she is failing (in memory only-her body is as healthy as a horse) I would assume that she's disgusted with her plight and limitations and may not see a future. She'd be correct.
What a lousy situation for everyone. I hope the end for her would be sooner than later, for both our sakes. I can never make her situation any better and her disease will only get worse.
I know there is a reason for everything in life. What does God want us to learn from this? That we are not invincible?
Compassion? Patience? Empathy? I've been told all of life's difficulties are allowed so we have a need for God. We cling to Him and He helps us with our troubles. Some of us just hang on by a thread. Ask then expect to receive help (maybe not in the way you thought).
I hope I do not suffer the same fate as my mother so I don't have to put my son through this.
It is too bad that we aren't mentally and physically healthy up until our last breath.
Nasmir,
Along with many others on this board, I am having a difficult time navigating through my mother's dementia. My mom and I were never "best friends". However, it will not be a "relief" for ME when she dies. SHE will be relieved of the agony of knowing her mind is only partially functioning, not being able to think straight, make decisions, remember people and events, take care of her own hygiene, making repetitive statements and being aware of her own confusion. I am sorry she has this disease and wish things would have been different for her.
I think I hit a nerve with you when I made the statement that my mom can manipulate a situation, even with dementia. She did that during my childhood too, nothing new.
My husband is Mexican. In his culture, all moms are on the same level as the Virgin Mary. In the beginning, he was telling me that I should go along with whatever my mom said and to move her into our house UNTIL he saw how she treated me. Even he had to concede that she could be pretty tough but he wouldn't come out and say it, like I did. For him, it's a respect thing. I, on the other hand, had lived with her for 18 years and can call a spade a spade. That doesn't mean I don't care about her or that I'll be relieved when she's dead. I pray for her daily. But, if you think I like hearing that she likes my husband better, that she doesn't like me at all and that she thinks I'm mean to her...I don't. It hurts me because I never "did it right" as a kid either.
I've done everything I can to make her comfortable, safe and happy, but, unfortunately, in her state of mind, there is no "happy".
I guess I don't conform to your image of a "good" daughter but my mom never conformed to the image of a "good" mother. I'm glad your childhood and relationship with your mom was a good one. Not all of us have that.
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