For the past 3-4 months my 93 year old mother (with stage 5-6 dementia), says that she wishes she was dead every time we visit, often, many times during the visit. I have answered, "God will take you when He's ready for you." I asked what I could do for her to help her not think this way. She can't think of anything to make her want to remain living. She eats and sleeps well and has no medical problems. She's lived alone for the past 30 years before the dementia, so is not very social with the other residents.
She's aware that her memory is gone, that she can't figure things out anymore and that she's confused at times. I've asked the staff at the memory care facility if she tells them she wants to die and the nurse said no. I asked the nurse to get in touch with the doctor to ask about anti-depressants but, knowing how poorly very elderly people metabolize medicines, I'm not sure that would be the best answer either. She was always a drama queen in her adult life and bordering hypochondriac.
Is she fishing for more attention from my husband and me or is she just expressing her real opinion to me, something she wouldn't say to the caregivers.
I've tried diversion (good for about 5 minutes) and explaining the benefits of living (waste of breath). What's the best way to respond?
Your experience of suddenly feeling cold may be caused by what you believe it to be. I believe that when I felt sudden deep chills after my husband died, it was caused by one of my body's many responses to grief.
No need to apologize. It is a thankless job. We are used to being thanked,appreciated. But the dying are not always able..if ever...to thank a person.We are not aware how grateful the patient is but cannot express it.
In fact,what you are doing is a most loving act on your part because there is no thanks.
So happy this worked for you and your mom!
I laughed when you said you painted her nails. My sister painted by aunt's nails recently; every 5 minutes... "look at my nails, they are beautiful!" It's the little things...I hope someone will polish mine!
So I followed the advise of vivstdr2 and bought a set at Wal-Mart. I really broke the bank, paying a whopping $8.00 for a pretty nice wedding set somewhat close to what she had. After we painted her nails, we presented the rings. It was a hit! She was really pleased and I intend to return and get another one for the other hand. Thank you vivstdr2 for your suggestion. Sometimes the solution to a simple (but annoying) problem is right under our noses. How easy this was to pacify her! You have my undying gratitude. Now I won't be badgered every visit.
Nasmir,
Along with many others on this board, I am having a difficult time navigating through my mother's dementia. My mom and I were never "best friends". However, it will not be a "relief" for ME when she dies. SHE will be relieved of the agony of knowing her mind is only partially functioning, not being able to think straight, make decisions, remember people and events, take care of her own hygiene, making repetitive statements and being aware of her own confusion. I am sorry she has this disease and wish things would have been different for her.
I think I hit a nerve with you when I made the statement that my mom can manipulate a situation, even with dementia. She did that during my childhood too, nothing new.
My husband is Mexican. In his culture, all moms are on the same level as the Virgin Mary. In the beginning, he was telling me that I should go along with whatever my mom said and to move her into our house UNTIL he saw how she treated me. Even he had to concede that she could be pretty tough but he wouldn't come out and say it, like I did. For him, it's a respect thing. I, on the other hand, had lived with her for 18 years and can call a spade a spade. That doesn't mean I don't care about her or that I'll be relieved when she's dead. I pray for her daily. But, if you think I like hearing that she likes my husband better, that she doesn't like me at all and that she thinks I'm mean to her...I don't. It hurts me because I never "did it right" as a kid either.
I've done everything I can to make her comfortable, safe and happy, but, unfortunately, in her state of mind, there is no "happy".
I guess I don't conform to your image of a "good" daughter but my mom never conformed to the image of a "good" mother. I'm glad your childhood and relationship with your mom was a good one. Not all of us have that.
Someone asked once if there is a positive side to memory loss and there is: my mom now doesn't even remember any of her stuff--furniture , jewelry, none of it. And just a year or two ago, she was constantly reminding me how valuable everything was, who was getting this and that. (I never told her about the bottom falling out of the antiques market.)
Now it is all a non-issue. She is relieved of all that stress.
Thanklessjob...........I do believe that even with dementia, these women are in possession of enough of their minds to still create drama & manipulation. Old habits die awfully hard.
JessieBelle, I agree with you. I try very hard not to take offense at the remarks my mother makes, or take it to heart that all the other daughters/sons bend over backwards to do nice things for their folks (leaving it unsaid that HER daughter does squat), otherwise, I'd be angry and resentful 100% of the time. Not worth it.
One thing I've learned is to not take issue with some negative remark made. If I take issue, it makes it stick in her mind, with her version becoming fact. If I let it pass, then it is more likely forgotten. This is easier said than done, since some remarks can really make me angry. I have to remind myself not to react to some indictment she is making except maybe to make light of it. It's almost like she saves the hot-button issues to use when she wants to push my buttons. She seems to enjoy doing that. Why, I don't know, so it's better not to have any buttons to push.
My hubby arrived at her room first today and she started bad mouthing me. He was trying to tell her how nice I was but she told him, "I like you much better, I really don't like her. She treats me badly." I was standing outside the door and heard it all. When I went in, hubby brought up what she had said and she vehemently denied ever saying that. I told him (in Spanish) that she's not going to admit to saying it in front of me. Even though she asked me how old she was and how long we've been married at least 8 times in the hour we were there, she still could get out of admitting what she just said when she needed to. Manipulative.
Now she wants me to bring her rings to her (worth a substantial amount) but the facility (of course) says no. I've tried to explain the policy to her but that does no good. Today she told me that the lady she sits with for meals stole her 2 rings (there were no rings to steal). Her next sentence was that she wanted me to bring more rings. I got out of it with logic (for a change). "Mom, if the lady just stole your 2 rings, then why do you want me to bring more, for them to be stolen also?" She was speechless. 1 point for the underdog!
Scott,
I'm sure you had a great mom, who showed you she loved you very much. She would not want you to be living with guilt, as I'm sure you did all you could. That said, if you have read any of the stories on this site, you'd realize that some (many) of us grew up with less than stellar parents. Some were down right rotten. My mom falls in between those two. My mother never liked women, perceiving them as a threat, and I am a woman! Her words of not liking me (above) are TRUE. And I have never done anything to deserve that, it's just how it was/is. Even in stage 5-6 dementia, she'll deny what she admitted to my husband in front of me but the truth comes out when I'm not there. She would not want to live with me and I certainly would not want to live with her. I have done the absolute best I can for her and I will suffer NO guilt when she passes because I know how she really felt about me and, in spite of that, I did the best I could do for her.
Scott....if I moved my mother in with me out of guilt, I'd wind up horribly resentful which would benefit nobody. I do what I can for her, and spend time with her, even though it never feels like enough , no matter WHAT. I am not sure ANY offspring is ever left totally guilt free after they pass, or feeling that we did "enough". I'm so sorry you lost you mom, and hope you can realize you did plenty.
The car trip and the lunch went well but, on the trip back to the facility, she started telling me that she didn't like where she lives. I cut to the chase and told her that she needed the care a facility offers and that I would start looking for another place. She thought about that for a minute, then said that she'd rather stay at the home where she lives. I, feeling a bit frisky, I played the devil's advocate saying she shouldn't stay where she isn't happy. She told me that she didn't know if she'd be happy anywhere else, but I persisted.
(Me) "But you just said that you weren't happy here, so I'll move you somewhere else."
(Mom) "Oh, no, maybe that's not a good idea."
(Me) "I only want your happiness, Mom."
(Mom) "No, I don't want to move anywhere, I don't mind it here."
Wow, a complete 180 in 4 sentences. Manipulation?
In regards to the baby doll, my mom isn't confused enough for that. She wasn't a warm, loving, nurturing parent anyway, probably like that grandma was. She never had pets and would find them annoying. It would be nice, however, if I could find something that could "engage" her. She said "no" to puzzles, games, crafts and the like. She can't read anymore and she's not able to concentrate on TV programs. I'm at a loss for what would enrich her life.
Occasionally she has said it when she is frustrated or sad. I answer her by asking if she wants to die today. She ponders and says no. Well, okay then. I've heard the words enough times now that I'm immune to them. I realize that there will come a day when she says them and means them. I don't know if I'll still be alive on that day, since I'm starting to wonder which of us will pass first.
You've brought up a good point. During the time my mother with dementia was just "existing" in our family room, my 14 year old began acting out in school and I was afraid I would lose my new job for taking off so much time from work. I finally found a good family run group home for her.
When I asked what I could do for her, she said, "Oh, I don't know." Then she said, (smiling) "Sometimes I say that but I don't really mean it." I asked her if she was trying to make me feel bad and she said, "I have no idea." Same answer to why she doesn't tell the staff at the memory care facility that she wants to die. "I don't know."
Seems to me like this is a way to get attention/sympathy. The smile during the confession that she "doesn't mean it" says it all. Sure Mom, do anything you can to get more sympathy, more attention, make me feel bad/inadequate. At least I know the truth now and won't respond the next time it's said. Once a narcissist, always (even in Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's) a narcissist. Glad I didn't waste a lot of emotional time on this "problem".
Even though I found the reason why MY mother says such things, I'm not discounting that other dementia sufferers (or just the elderly in general) may mean something different and may need different intervention.
If she said to me now "I want to die" or "I am going to kill myself" I would respond either . "Yes, you will die someday" or (to the suicide threat) "Please don't leave a mess". Sounds heartless, I know, but she does not have much dementia now--just a general forgetfulness that is getting worse (my 64 yo hubby is WAY more "demented" than she is).
IF she had dementia, I would be much more understanding. She's a drama queen and we're all tired of her antics.
Certain behaviors are reserved for certain people. Her mask falls off with ME and me ONLY, now that my Dad is gone. I will try to remember that the next time she's crying and telling me she wants to die.