I am in my mid 30's and have been caring for an elderly and disabled Mom and Uncle for the past 12 years while working full time. My Uncle recently passed away and I am struggling with grief. My Mom's care has become so much more involved over the past few months so I am overwhelmed almost all of the time. I am sinking into a depression. I can feel the tidal wave of darkness and despair building and I am powerless to stop it. I am just too darn tired. Tired of putting myself last and having no life. Tired of being exhausted all the time and tired of not having the energy to care for myself. Quite frankly, I am too young to be this tired and I am so angry that I am in this position. But at the same time, given these choices again, I would make the same exact decisions. So, I am left with being aggravated and angry at myself because I am in a "no win" scenario that is self created. Thank you for allowing me to vent. (Trying to remember that, "This too shall pass" and today is just a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day)
You know how the flight attendants on the plane say to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you help anyone else? Well, that’s for a reason. You can’t help others if YOU are gasping for breath.
The same in your situation. You will crash and burn if you keep up this pace. You MUST get relief in order to get better (less depression-feel better), for your own good AND the good of your mom. You see and acknowledge the problem.
Now, how to do that?
Can you have help come in on a regular basis (3 days a week for 3-4 hours while you are at home)? If paying for it is the problem, can she qualify for assistance through VA or Medicaid?
Can she go to a “daycare” for seniors? I’ve heard some have them overnight also.
Can you put her in a board and care for one week out of the month to give you a rest?
Would she be able to be placed in an assisted living facility?
Has she qualified for Medicaid (or Medi-Cal)?
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? (We’re always here too!)
Gosh, I’m so sorry that you are so overburdened and not able to enjoy your young adult years. You MUST change your current situation so it doesn’t do you in.
I know you love your mother but there is no glory for a dead hero. Your mental health depends on it.
After my dad passed in 1998, my mom came to live with me (I am an only child), my husband and 2 small boys. She is now 98 years old, still living at home with me and my husband. I do have a caregiver who comes 5 days a week while we're at work (we both have full-time jobs), but once I get home, I'm the caregiver; weekends, I'm the caregiver, so it doesn't leave a whole lot of time for "me" time or to go out and have a dinner date with my hubby. I know he feels neglected. He's made a comment that we haven't had any privacy in 20 years and, other than when our son got married (4 blissful days at a destination wedding), we haven't gone anywhere. I feel all my energy goes to taking care of my mom. I feel being pulled in different directions. I just can't give 100% to both. I have a wonderful husband, but I know its taken a toll on our marriage. He gets the brunt of it all.
My mom has days when she is like a 3 year old child, but unlike a small child who eventually will understand not to do certain things, my mom will not learn. Has anyone had experience with a parent who thinks they have to go to bathroom all the time, and that they have to go poop every time they go to the bathroom? No matter how many times we tell her that it isn't normal, and that she should not push or force it (bad for the heart), she still doesn't listen or care.
She doesn't have Alzheimer's, her mind is very sharp - she is set in her ways. There are days when and I think "today is the day I will have to find a nursing home for her", then guilt sets in. How can I think of putting my mom in a home? I know, I should think of her well-being and 24/7 care, but no one in our family has ever placed a parent in a nursing home, although I'm sure we all have thought about it, at one time or another. So the guilt kicks in. I feel angry, resentment, frustrated, stressed and exhausted all the time, and I know this affects my marriage. Seriously, the second I pull into my driveway, all these feelings kick in.
Finding this blog has been a blessing. I can vent, complain, cry and be angry. Say things that I would not normally say out loud and I know I won't be judged. Thank you all.
Welcome to the forum.
You gave an accurate description of how a caregiver feels but one thing that jumped off the page for me was your own recognition of how young you are to be dealing with all of this, and you are carrying a heavy load, grief, depression, caring for your mom, full time job! Oh and of course being exhausted! Grief and depression are a lot just by itself. Anxiety usually goes along with caregiving too.
You have a lot to deal with for being such a young woman. You’ve done it for a long time!
You know that you need help. Start by calling anyone and everyone that you can, ask for their guidance and if they can help in any way. Talk to your mom’s doctor or even your doctor and ask him/her to refer you to a social worker that deals with the elderly. The social worker will give you a list of contact numbers for the disabled and elderly. Call everyone, Council on Aging, senior centers, assisted living and nursing homes that you are interested in for the future in case you need it, companion/sitter agency, etc.
I hope you find relief soon. You need rest. You deserve some fun in your life too! Many, many hugs!!! Please keep us posted.
There has to be balance in life. Being on call 24/7 is out of balance. Even the Bible says “there is a time for every purpose under Heaven.” When you are dedicating ALL your time to one thing, and ignore the other aspects, you are bound to become infirm/sick (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) in one way or another. It is imperative to add YOU back into the equation.
You are NOT being selfish, you are self preserving.
The hard part is figuring out how.
P.S. Liss, sounds like you’re on the right track. 👍🏼
She walked next door to visit my sister the other day and my sister told her that she told her to visit in the morning and it wasn’t a good time to visit in the afternoons because that was her and her husbands time together.
i have accepted that I am all she has.
Thank you for your response. : )
Been thinking of you. Pulling for you. You have so much on your plate! Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate person but you deserve caring for also.
I wish I could be your fairy godmother and wave a wand for you to have a spa day, a long cruise or whatever your heart desires. You deserve to be pampered after all the hard work that you have done.
I have two daughters that I love dearly and very proud of. I’d be very proud to have a daughter like you! You have such a lovely personality.
Promise me that you will start to look after yourself. I know you love your mom, completely understandable but love yourself too.
I am pleased to say I am planning a weekend getaway for myself at the end of the month. Everyone here gave me the push and encouragement that I needed. My sister will be staying with my Mom for the weekend.
Thank you for your kind words. Your daughters are very lucky to have such a kind and compassionate Mom. You remind me of my Mom actually.
I am starting to understand that I truly can't properly care for my Mom if I don't take care of me too and that includes asking for help.
I promise to start looking after myself, as long as you promise to check in on me from time to time. : ) Big hugs!
Prayers to all my fellow caregivers out there! Stay STRONG and keep fighting the good fight!
"You don't have to live overwhelmed, depressed, angry and tired."
This really hit home for me.