I am in my mid 30's and have been caring for an elderly and disabled Mom and Uncle for the past 12 years while working full time. My Uncle recently passed away and I am struggling with grief. My Mom's care has become so much more involved over the past few months so I am overwhelmed almost all of the time. I am sinking into a depression. I can feel the tidal wave of darkness and despair building and I am powerless to stop it. I am just too darn tired. Tired of putting myself last and having no life. Tired of being exhausted all the time and tired of not having the energy to care for myself. Quite frankly, I am too young to be this tired and I am so angry that I am in this position. But at the same time, given these choices again, I would make the same exact decisions. So, I am left with being aggravated and angry at myself because I am in a "no win" scenario that is self created. Thank you for allowing me to vent. (Trying to remember that, "This too shall pass" and today is just a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day)
You know how the flight attendants on the plane say to put on your oxygen mask FIRST before you help anyone else? Well, that’s for a reason. You can’t help others if YOU are gasping for breath.
The same in your situation. You will crash and burn if you keep up this pace. You MUST get relief in order to get better (less depression-feel better), for your own good AND the good of your mom. You see and acknowledge the problem.
Now, how to do that?
Can you have help come in on a regular basis (3 days a week for 3-4 hours while you are at home)? If paying for it is the problem, can she qualify for assistance through VA or Medicaid?
Can she go to a “daycare” for seniors? I’ve heard some have them overnight also.
Can you put her in a board and care for one week out of the month to give you a rest?
Would she be able to be placed in an assisted living facility?
Has she qualified for Medicaid (or Medi-Cal)?
Do you have a therapist you can talk to? (We’re always here too!)
Gosh, I’m so sorry that you are so overburdened and not able to enjoy your young adult years. You MUST change your current situation so it doesn’t do you in.
I know you love your mother but there is no glory for a dead hero. Your mental health depends on it.
You have given the years of your life that are usually applied to careers, marriage and child rearing, so I can't imagine how tired and burned out you must feel. I pray that the counseling helps you feel hopeful again.
Is your mom open to outside help?
Do you have any family or friends that can give you a vacation to go mourn your uncle and to rebalance? Please try to find a way to get some time for you, we all need a chance to grieve and find our footing after a big loss.
Hugs, you are a blessing to your mom and you were a blessing to your uncle.
"Not being able to grieve because you are on call 24/7 makes the loss so much harder." No one in my family seems to understand this so thank you for acknowledging how hard it is to grieve when you are "on call" all the time.
My Mom is open to outside help (she realizes her care is more than I can provide alone now) so I just need to look into getting help to come in.
I am the youngest of four children, but yet, the care falls totally on my shoulders. My brother, the oldest, does as little as possible to help out. I lost my older sister to breast cancer in 2002 :( And my other sister helps out when she can, but she is only helpful when it is convenient for her.
Hugs to you for reminding me what a blessing we are to our loved ones. And they to us as well. Thanks again for your kindness :)
Welcome to the forum.
You gave an accurate description of how a caregiver feels but one thing that jumped off the page for me was your own recognition of how young you are to be dealing with all of this, and you are carrying a heavy load, grief, depression, caring for your mom, full time job! Oh and of course being exhausted! Grief and depression are a lot just by itself. Anxiety usually goes along with caregiving too.
You have a lot to deal with for being such a young woman. You’ve done it for a long time!
You know that you need help. Start by calling anyone and everyone that you can, ask for their guidance and if they can help in any way. Talk to your mom’s doctor or even your doctor and ask him/her to refer you to a social worker that deals with the elderly. The social worker will give you a list of contact numbers for the disabled and elderly. Call everyone, Council on Aging, senior centers, assisted living and nursing homes that you are interested in for the future in case you need it, companion/sitter agency, etc.
I hope you find relief soon. You need rest. You deserve some fun in your life too! Many, many hugs!!! Please keep us posted.
You’re very welcome. We care. Please keep us updated and continue to reach out. If we can help we will or do our best to point you in the right direction.
There has to be balance in life. Being on call 24/7 is out of balance. Even the Bible says “there is a time for every purpose under Heaven.” When you are dedicating ALL your time to one thing, and ignore the other aspects, you are bound to become infirm/sick (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually) in one way or another. It is imperative to add YOU back into the equation.
You are NOT being selfish, you are self preserving.
The hard part is figuring out how.
P.S. Liss, sounds like you’re on the right track. 👍🏼
She walked next door to visit my sister the other day and my sister told her that she told her to visit in the morning and it wasn’t a good time to visit in the afternoons because that was her and her husbands time together.
i have accepted that I am all she has.
Thank you for your response. : )
What kind of caregiving does she require? What do you do for her?
"I am the youngest of four children, but yet, the care falls totally on my shoulders. My brother, the oldest, does as little as possible to help out. I lost my older sister to breast cancer in 2002 :( And my other sister helps out when she can, but she is only helpful when it is convenient for her. "
You don't have to do it all, you know. You have two siblings. How did it all come to be dumped on you?
Are you getting paid for caregiving? (You should be!)
How did it all come to be dumped on me? A question I ask myself sometimes. My brother is a selfish jerk and can't be bothered. My sister is self absorbed, but as of late, is trying to get more involved and help, but only if it is convenient for her and her life.
I do not get paid for caregiving.
Been thinking of you. Pulling for you. You have so much on your plate! Please take care of yourself. You are a wonderful, caring, compassionate person but you deserve caring for also.
I wish I could be your fairy godmother and wave a wand for you to have a spa day, a long cruise or whatever your heart desires. You deserve to be pampered after all the hard work that you have done.
I have two daughters that I love dearly and very proud of. I’d be very proud to have a daughter like you! You have such a lovely personality.
Promise me that you will start to look after yourself. I know you love your mom, completely understandable but love yourself too.
I am pleased to say I am planning a weekend getaway for myself at the end of the month. Everyone here gave me the push and encouragement that I needed. My sister will be staying with my Mom for the weekend.
Thank you for your kind words. Your daughters are very lucky to have such a kind and compassionate Mom. You remind me of my Mom actually.
I am starting to understand that I truly can't properly care for my Mom if I don't take care of me too and that includes asking for help.
I promise to start looking after myself, as long as you promise to check in on me from time to time. : ) Big hugs!
Prayers to all my fellow caregivers out there! Stay STRONG and keep fighting the good fight!
You need to have breaks. Have you thought about hiring a home health aid to come and assist? Check with her insurance, doctor and Medicare to see if it can be covered. There is also adult day care and places that do respite care if you need few days. Either way, get yourself to have frequent breaks.
You take wonderful care of your mom. I am glad that your sister is staying with your mom for you to get away.
"You don't have to live overwhelmed, depressed, angry and tired."
This really hit home for me.
First take credit for realizing you are needing a break/assistance and that you have unresolved grief for the recent death of your uncle. You are a wise woman.
It’s easy to care for others yet paradoxically difficult for those who find caregiving so rewarding to care for oneself. Then there is sometimes guilt when we do take time off, no matter how irrational.
Glad to hear your mother recognizes your need so you will not have resistance and fear on her part, as is sometimes the case.
My one suggestion is to set up recurring dates, scheduling them ahead of time, because then you will have the anticipation to help you sail onward. Mix it up with partial day outings and an occasional multi day recharge.
Be creative, do not be afraid to network with people via work and social circles, and local internet caregiver groups. Sometimes help is nearby but hidden.
Your mother and family are fortunate to have a young woman wise before her years who is so dedicated. I wish you the very best.
Kate
"It’s easy to care for others yet paradoxically difficult for those who find caregiving so rewarding to care for oneself." This is so true.
Most states have a program where they will pay for caregiving services to a family member. You can use that little money, because it isn’t a lot, to hire somebody to give you a break for a while.
You might consider hospice depending on your mother’s situation. Get Approved from her primary care physician to Have a home healthcare person come visit and do an assessment.
get a friend another family member and to care for your mother for a few days.
If that’s not possible there are caregiving facilities that take clients in for a few days to give you a break. It’s called Respite care.
You’re going to get a lot of good advice from us. That’s my two cents. Lots of love and hugs to you please get into a support group as well. We are here, but you need some face-to-face and some hugs and a good cry on someone’s shoulder too. Hang in there. God’s already reserved a “special angel” room for you in heaven.🥰
"God’s already reserved a “special angel” room for you in heaven." BIG hugs, thank you for this! The support I have received here is so heart warming.
"Do nice little things for yourself, And learn to enjoy even the smallest things like a butterfly or a birds singing outside your door or watching a movie." Will definitely try to do this from now on.
Thank you for your honest caring message. I’m in the same situation. I feel every bit the same as you do.
Unless your a carer full time worker,
think it’s a very difficult job. I too have no answers but keep going.
Hopfully today will be a good day.
As I read further down - This is GOOD that you are getting a getaway! Good for you!
One of the things that I watch is Saturday Night Live on Youtube. Just a few minutes of laughter really is the best medicine. So if it is a funny show you like then watch a few video clips on Youtube if you don't have enough time for the whole show. Just watch the funny parts. You deserve it :).
You are a warrior and this will pass and you will be strong and capable and so impressed by all you did on behalf of your mom. Bravo to you...
PS I am so sorry about your uncle.
After my dad passed in 1998, my mom came to live with me (I am an only child), my husband and 2 small boys. She is now 98 years old, still living at home with me and my husband. I do have a caregiver who comes 5 days a week while we're at work (we both have full-time jobs), but once I get home, I'm the caregiver; weekends, I'm the caregiver, so it doesn't leave a whole lot of time for "me" time or to go out and have a dinner date with my hubby. I know he feels neglected. He's made a comment that we haven't had any privacy in 20 years and, other than when our son got married (4 blissful days at a destination wedding), we haven't gone anywhere. I feel all my energy goes to taking care of my mom. I feel being pulled in different directions. I just can't give 100% to both. I have a wonderful husband, but I know its taken a toll on our marriage. He gets the brunt of it all.
My mom has days when she is like a 3 year old child, but unlike a small child who eventually will understand not to do certain things, my mom will not learn. Has anyone had experience with a parent who thinks they have to go to bathroom all the time, and that they have to go poop every time they go to the bathroom? No matter how many times we tell her that it isn't normal, and that she should not push or force it (bad for the heart), she still doesn't listen or care.
She doesn't have Alzheimer's, her mind is very sharp - she is set in her ways. There are days when and I think "today is the day I will have to find a nursing home for her", then guilt sets in. How can I think of putting my mom in a home? I know, I should think of her well-being and 24/7 care, but no one in our family has ever placed a parent in a nursing home, although I'm sure we all have thought about it, at one time or another. So the guilt kicks in. I feel angry, resentment, frustrated, stressed and exhausted all the time, and I know this affects my marriage. Seriously, the second I pull into my driveway, all these feelings kick in.
Finding this blog has been a blessing. I can vent, complain, cry and be angry. Say things that I would not normally say out loud and I know I won't be judged. Thank you all.
Poop patrol is the worst :( My Mom has an illeostomy bag and occasionally the darn thing explodes. Poop everywhere and it is always loose poop (sorry for the extra details). It takes forever to clean up, especially at 3am when I am half asleep and stumbling around. I'll be honest, this has brought me to tears more than once. I can so relate to what you are feeling. Big hugs and stay strong!
About a month ago, I really dedicated a search for some relief through natural supplements to deal with stress and depression. CBD oil has been helpful, as well as Ashwaghanda, 5-HTP, Lithium Orotate, and GABA. Lots of info on these and others (I go to YouTube). I realize this does not address your whole scenario, but something to take the edge off is a good place to start. I can handle daily life feeling more calm and with a bit more clarity than I did prior. Best to you!