How do you get over the guilt of not being there when a loved one passes away?

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How do you get over the guilt of not being there when a loved one passes away?

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My mom was in the ICU. I went home the night before to shower and take care of a few things at home. Before I left the hospital that night I had asked the nurse on duty to please put it in my mom's chart for anyone on duty that night or early morning to call me if things were not looking good. She told me that she would and that she felt my Mom had at least a few days. Early the next morning I got a call from the Dr. saying that my Mom had passed. I can't seem to get past that I wasn't there for her. It has been 3 1/2 years and it still bothers me so much. Any advice on how to deal with the guilt and sadness would be greatly appreciated.

End of Life Grief Guilt

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So sorry for the loss of your dear mother. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I think grief counciling would be a great benefit for you.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You were with your mother before she died. In my opinion God made the decision to take her at that time. Maybe it would have been too painful for you. We have no control over the death of a loved one, Hold yojr dear memories of your mother close to your heart. I believe we will see our loved ones that passed when we leave this world.I know I look forward to seeing my dear dad and brother. Wishing you much peace.

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I sincerely feel for you!

I understand how you feel because I lost my mom in February of this year. Truly a tough year to lose a loved one this year. You are still dealing with losing a loved one from over 3 years ago. I get the feeling you just wanted to be able to say goodbye or at least be there at the end. I don't have any good advice because life is really harsh. Best I can say is to nurture yourself. Love yourself by spending money on yourself if you can. Go buy good food and reward yourself with kindness. Only thing that has worked for me has been exercise and joining the gym. I became addicted to my gym as it has brought me some peace. Going to yoga or meditation classes might also help. I say go do it. I know it might feel weird at first but I say go do it. You might feel better.

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I'm sorry

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I believe that when a person dies without their loved ones there, that that is exactly how they wanted it to go down. Your mom I can only guess, didn't want you to remember her taking her final breath. And of course no one dies alone. They not only have God/Jesus with them, but also their loved ones who have gone on before them, so please take comfort in that.
The fact that it has been over 3 years now, tells me that you would most likely benefit from some type of therapy or counseling, as your mom would certainly not want you feeling guilty about something you had absolutely no control over.
Life is short and it is precious, so do whatever you need to to get your joy back. God bless you.

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I have been told by Hospice workers that many times a dying patient will wait until someone leaves the room to get a glass of water, something to eat, go to the bathroom or anything else. The patient will die then.
the Hospice Nurse told me that dying is a "personal" thing and if they want to be alone they will wait.
Your mom did exactly what she wanted to do.
If this has been 3 1/2 years you might want to talk to a Bereavement Counselor or find a Support Group.
You have done nothing to feel guilty about. And would your mom want you to feel this way for so long?

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Well said.

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...but you were there for her when she needed it most following her stroke and your looking after her, putting aside personal preference.
Be careful not to chastise yourself for the stresses of caregiving. Elderly parents often outwardly express selfishness and inflexibility but some things are stronger than fractious encounters, harsh words, and feelings of resentment. Equally, parents can feel guilty by their inability to escape their infirmity and blame themselves in their own private hell they create for their children (that's the bit we rarely hear, if ever).
My dad is currently in this phase, although I can view things on these two planes: the hard crust of present circumstances, and the softer compassion for the bigger picture - they encompass the ambivalence of caring, each battling for our attention (and driving us crazy).
Frustration comes from unmet expectations (on both sides) compounded by communication difficulties (being heard, being listened to, and being understood) and endless demands.
Endurance is the strength and compassion you showed to see it through, and this outweighs any untoward feelings during the process - love, as you feel it now, is felt as surely as it has been received by your mother - the departure without attendance is of no consequence.
Words and feelings of the hard crust fall away to reveal the truth, and I hope you hear these words in your heart - All is forgiven, you were there all the time.

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You didn’t do anything to feel guilty about. Get counseling if you have these feelings after 3-1/2 years.

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After 3 ½ years later you still regret not being at your mom's side when she died. Death doesn't come at anyone's choosing. I spent many hours at my wife's side during her last days, but wasn't there at the moment of death (also 3½ yrs ago). How would it have affected you if you were there? You say you're bothered by not being there. To what extent? Do you find it hard to concentrate, sleep, eat properly? If so, you may want to seek professional counseling. If not, reading some books on grief and grief recovery may help.

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My mom was the same she was already gone, even 2 days before. They say she could hear, I’m not so sure either. In transitioning I’m not sure they need us anymore. Its a sacred journey.

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It’s doubtful that your mother was awake and alert enough to know you weren’t there. Dying asleep in a warm bed, that’s the dream, right?

I know it’s hard to reconcile yourself to the fact you were doing self-care instead of her care, but had she been awake, she would have shooed you off, telling you to look after yourself. What matters most if you were there while she was ALIVE.

Forgive yourself. Your mother would want you to cut yourself a break.

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First of all, God bless you for being your mom’s rock! It isn’t easy. I experienced your scenario almost 3 yrs. ago with my mom. I’ve cried & cried and told her how sorry I was (through prayer). I was with her for a week and left her room for 2 min. and she let go & left.
Nurses told me it’s common. What I know now is that no one dies alone. Spirit sends LO’s who’ve already passed to bring our dying LO “home.” I lost my dad this year and he’d been transitioning all day. As I was preparing more morphine my mom said loudly, “Give Dad a final blessing-NOW!” We had one scheduled with our pastor the next morning. I put down the pen, ran in, grabbed his hand and said the Lord’s prayer & thanked God for giving me this incredible man & asked him to bring him home. Dad took a breath & left.
I believe this was my mom’s gift to me b/c she’d seen how torn up I’d been over not being with her. It was beautiful, but the real point is that one NEVER dies alone. Mom was there for my dad & someone is there for all of us. You probably witnessed your Mom talking to deceased people at times near the very end. This happens while they’re sleeping, but is also common while they’re awake. It’s part of transitioning process. My folks weren’t afraid to pass on, but many are. Visits by deceased loved ones eases the way. What a beautiful thing, really. Please ease up on yourself. Your mom’s in full light again & has nothing but complete, unconditional love for you.
She hears your prayers & doesn’t want you hurting. Ask God to ease your heart and heal it- he can🙏. You can actually ask Mom to send you a sign when you speak to her about things. Listen and watch for it- it too is a beautiful thing! Thank you for being there for your mom throughout her ordeal. You’re her Angel on earth😊

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You are right on. My mother wasn't on any medicine, not even Tylenol. She had people with her when she passed. I couldn't see them, but they were there. They had been hanging around for a couple of days. Of course you could have been like me. My mother scolded me then she died. That is something I remember, one more thing I didn't do right.

Also, as someone else said, many people choose to pass alone. Please talk to either a grief group or some professional about this.

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First we all feel that way believe me. And I know its time to let it go but I just can't do it either. My father has been gone now for 17 yrs and I still am bothered by it. My parents went south for the winters they went to Mission Tx where they had another home. My father got sick he went into the hospital my mother called and got me down on a flight and called my brother & sister they came by vehicle. When we went up to see my father in ICU we had an armed guard with us all the time I guess down there they have had some problems with people. We went into a waiting room with that armed guard until it was time for the nurses to come get us to see our father. My niece was 7 they said they wouldn't let her in but we got special permission. They had my father in a coma they would bring him out of that coma to do dialysis then put him back in we NEVER got to see him awake. We were only allowed 15 minutes in his room(very different in the midwest were we live). The nurse told us to go home that she would call if she saw any change in my father if he was passing away. Well that call never came the only one that did was to say he passed away. The doctor who was with him at the time said to us why weren't you there. It really hurt us. And to this day it still does because we weren't there when he passed away. The Mission Texas hospital I will never understand them. Here in the Midwest our hospitals are different we can stay longer than 15 minutes and we can have someone always in the room with a love one.

So don't beat yourself up like I have done for the last 17 yrs I just know my father is in a better place no more pain and one day I will see him again.

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My goodness that's a horrible experience! I'm so sorry you went through that. For the doctor to chastise you when you got kicked out after 15 minutes - how dare they! That hospital needs a policy change for EOL situations.
Please don't beat yourself up for not being there - you were there. Those 15 minutes is what your father was waiting for. To see you one last time - even though he wasn't 'awake' he heard you, felt your presence and was at peace that he got to say goodbye. My grandmother and grandfather both waited for me to get there when it was their time. I didn't get to be with my grandfather when he passed and I've felt guilty for years! The hospice nurse told me that many times, they wait for you to leave the room because they don't want you to see them go. With my grandmother, I stayed with her till the end - I was the only one there because my mother and aunts didn't want to see it happen. I refused to let her be alone but that was my own guilt working me. It was a beautiful experience as we were so close my whole life. It's what started my journey to become an End of Life Doula.
Forgive yourself. You were there. He knows you were there and loves you still. 💗

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I think God works in mysterious ways and I try not to question the "whys".
Perhaps, believe she is at peace and in a better place.

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I look at it from the vantage of a near death experience I had when I nearly drowned. It was the typical white light tunnel experience--filled with light and love. Because of that experience, I no longer fear death and view it differently than others do. Months before my father died, I told him I would not be at his hospital deathbed because I don't get along with one of my siblings. I didn't want bad vibes around him at that time and I knew I would not be of much comfort to him if I was there. I was with him the day he had to go to the hospital. I knew he was dying. I tried to comfort him the best I could as I knew I would not see him again. He knew it too. We had already made our peace for months before his death and said what we needed to say. I am the sibling who cared for him during his last year on earth. That was my long good-bye. I think that what I did is more loving and comforting than simply showing up at the deathbed as my other siblings did. I believe that nobody dies alone. Spirits come to greet and guide us. Take comfort in knowing that. When someone is ready to leave, they are transitioning. My father had been transitioning for weeks before his death and I knew he was ready to leave. I don't feel any guilt at not being with him in the hospital because we had closure before his death and I know he is in a better place.

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I'm so glad you shared the following: "I am the sibling who cared for him during his last year on earth. That was my long good-bye." AND "I don't feel any guilt at not being with him in the hospital because we had closure before his death..."
I had cared for my dad (lived 4 hours away), but had to curtail that, then stop completely, to move my mil in with my dh and our 12 yr old dd and care for her 24/7 for her final 3 months. I was so exhausted after her death that I did not see my dad before he died (which was exactly 2 months after my mil's death). What REALLY MATTERED was that he and I had had PLENTY of time—before mil moved in—to reconcile, AND he told me how proud he was of me for taking care of mil. I like to think that God wanted me to take care of mil, so I could step out of the way and let my mother and 4 sibs step in and interact with Dad in some meaningful way (they did not, but at least at they DID have the chance). Thank you, again.

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I hope this will help you: I was with my mother much of the time in the several years before her passing, while she lived in assisted living and through some hospitalizations. On the day she was to pass, of course I didn't know it was THAT day, I was with her from noon until about 6 PM. She was resting OK, but it was clear she was in her final day or two. She was not alert, not speaking. I was emotionally and physically tired and, in my "denial," I said to her that I would return to the hospital to see her the next day with two of my brothers and my husband. Silly me, I thought she would be available for that gathering. I wanted her to be available. Ha! The Universe had other plans. Shortly after I got home that night, I got the call from the nurse.
I honestly believe my mother was actually waiting for me to leave. It was so soon after I left, that she passed away.
My way of dealing with the guilt was to tell myself I had intended to bring the brothers, etc., but Mom had other plans. That was her style, to "take control" and not let us see her less than strong if she could help it. And I knew she was in good hands. My father, who had passed 17 years before, "spoke" to me while I was still in the hospital room that day, telling me "they" would "take it from here." I had also sensed my grandparents and others close by in spirit while I was still in the hospital room with her. Through the grief and the guilt I felt for leaving her, in retrospect I know now she was truly not alone.
You were there with her when she needed you. You left a very good reason: self-care, so you could be strong again the next day for her. Try not to beat yourself up for this.

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I was with my dad when he died and it really helped my perspective. His last day he showed no sign of knowing anyone was there. He was sleeping a deep sleep and couldn’t be disturbed. Though we were told he was hearing us, I’m not so sure. He was peaceful and it seemed to be very much a solo journey for him. Both my siblings missed it and I’m not bothered for them. Our hospice nurse told me the day before he died that in many ways he’d already gone and his body was just catching up. I hope you’ll realize that your mom was at peace and forgive yourself as you did no wrong. Wishing you peace

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It was wonderful you were there when your mom needed you. I spent the whole day and night with my grandfather holding his hand for much of that time. When the rest of the family arrived I took my mom home, he passed 20 minutes after we left. I was OK with that as we spent time with him while he was transitioning and he had around loved ones as well when he passed. My BFs wife committed suicide, I should have been home but was away on business, or I would have been there before my fellow EMTs. I was meant not to be there to see her but we were helping her and her husband weeks before to get her treatment but no one could help, My sister in law was in hospice for 11 days, We spent every day and evening with her, the last day things were progressing, the nurse said to get some dinner and she would call if things changed. We got back to the hospice and were delayed getting in due to late hours, she passed 5 minutes before we got to her bedside. My mom stroked in surgery, I was by her bed for 2 days, I went to move my car for 15 minutes and she passed while I was out of the room. Sometimes they wait until they are alone. Rest assured you were there when they needed you, others helped them get to where they need to be I am sure of that and OK with that.

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So sorry for your loss. If it is any help, I was told that many patients pass when relatives and friends leave the room. Some say that the patients wanted to pass without relatives present. There have been occasions when people have passed even when a loved one was just in the restroom or down the hall for a moment. I was in the room with my mother for days in a hospice center. I fell asleep for a short time to take a nap and she passed. I try not to look at it as having not been there for her but that she felt comfortable enough with both of us resting that she left in complete peace. I hope my story helps you in some small way.

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Read Option B. It helped me in several ways to deal with the loss of my Brother when my sister-in-law didn't give us enough notice to come say goodbye.

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my father passed in 2020 (NOT from covid) we were called in because they knew he was getting close to passing. we visited for a short time, within 3 hours of being home he passed. I didn't fully grieve because of making sure mom was okay, etc. now and then i cry but I don't feel guilty. he was asleep and didn't know that we were not there. I am not a professional but maybe if you find a quiet place to sit and just talk to your mother explaining things and talk about stuff in general it might help you feel better. I am sure your mom doesn't hold anything against you for not being there, no one knows when the time will come. My mother has congestive heart failure right now and has bad swelling. I have prayed that when her time comes, that it comes in the night while she is sleeping and praying that she has no struggles. Again. talk to her in a quiet place away from everyone else and it might help. wishing you luck.

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I am a registered nurse, I have had the experience of being at many a deathbed. It appears that most folks pass in a way that is helpful for them and their families. I have had folks hold on until the last family member can get there to say good bye. I have had folks wait until everybody is gathered in the room to pass - and the family wanted to be there. I had one patient who needed "last rites" by a priest before she would pass. I have seen folks pass when everybody is out of the room to grab a quick meal, a cup of coffee, to ask the nurse or doctor a question... It seems that they don't want to burden their loved ones with the "experience" and go peacefully and quietly alone.

Your mom may have passed in a way that you did not appreciate - understandable, If she was in agony and near death, somebody would have contacted you. They might have been super busy with a lot of really ill people that your mom's quiet passing could not allow them enough tine to give you the phone call you wanted.

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My mom held on until everyone with her had gone for the night. I believe that she didn't want any of us to see her pass. God bless and let go she's always in your heart.

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My mother asked us the children to leave the room so she could talk to him in provacy. He was in a coma but she explained the hearing was the last thing to go. She told him it was perfectly ok to go because we the children were there. So he did.

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I remember when my mother's second husband was on his deathbed. He kept hanging on. Then, my mom said she had to leave to fill out paperwork for when he dies. When she left, I stroked his head as he lay there and said, "You loved her too much to die when she is here, but she is gone now, so it's OK to go." He asked me if I would take care of her and I promised I would. Then, he quietly died. He was being POLITE, not wanting my mom to see him die, and he was showing his end of time good manners. So, in the end, he loved her enough to hang on until she was gone, so she wouldn't be hurt by watching him die. I really and honestly think that is what your mom did. She ONLY held on because you were there. When you were gone, THAT is when she chose to let go. It is a "letting go" for many people in their end time. Your mom loved you THAT MUCH. So when you feel guilty, REMEMBER that she CHOSE to not die when you were there. She did NOT want to hurt you.

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Taarna's response is basically the same as mine. I too, am a nurse and have worked in Hospice. Her experiences are the same as mine. I've had so many patients and a dear friend hold on for family. My last visit with my friend she was barely conscious. She had been fighting taking pain meds. I sat, took her hand, told her who I was. She opened her eyes, looked at me and said, "Jane, keep me going". After many spiritual talks we had in the days, months previous, I knew she was ready but had said she wanted to die at home with her family around her. Her husband + daughter were there, her son, and childhood best friend came a few hours later. She was waiting for her son in law. He arrived a day later and she died a few hours after.

My dad had one of the 'Rally before the final crash' while I was with him. He gave us a miraculous 10 days. I was due to fly back to the Virgin Islands (my home) but realized that the crash was imminent. He kept insisting I leave. It got to the point he was getting agitated as I delayed. I said my final goodbye, love you and went to the hospital door. Without looking at me, he waved goodbye. I know he did not want me to be with him at his death as we both were for my mother.

As my mother was about to die at home, my dad, younger sister and I were at her side. We were speaking with her, telling her we would be sure dad got his hair cut, wore matching clothes (he was color blind!) and it was ok to go join her folks and my older brother. When my sister spoke, she started moaning, writhing. It freaked my sister who ran out of the room. She composed herself and came back. Mom started that again. Exit my sister. I found out months later she told a friend, "I don't want D and J to see me die, but I'll be damned if I'm letting M see me die." That was her gift to my sister.

Let the guilt go. Mom was giving you her final gift. Find one of the best, happy photos you can of her. Get it into a frame and keep it where you can see it. It helps to put that visual in your head rather than the one from the final days

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Therapy. Make an appt. with a therapist and put this in the past.

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Drop the Cuomo comments. We’ve all read your comments. He’s GONE. It’s over and done.

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If I rewrote a few of your words I would almost have the same story for my LO. My LO had breathing problems, but no Covid, and was in ICU with a ventilator for a few days but later released to a regular hospital room. My LO was doing better with just nasal oxygen and was restful. I felt good about my LO’s medical condition and at 8pm I went home to rest and sleep. I was awaken in early morning with a telephone call that my LO passed. Since you were with mom just before she passed she knows that you were with her, and you do not deserve to feel guilty. More than likely your mom did not want you to see her pass. Please read the book by Kathryn Mannix, “With the End in Mind.” You can read a free preview online. It may help you under your situation better.

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A simple changing of the wording you use when you talk to yourself may help.
I am firstly so sorry for your loss. But what you are feeling now is "grief", not guilt. You hoped to be there when your Mom passed. As a nurse I can assure you that patients often wait until relatives leave so they feel more free to pass; they often spend time trying to help the grief of their loved ones when they would rather be involved in the work of letting go.
The word "guilt" assumes that there is something you could have/would have been able to do about this loss. Grief recognizes that you have sustained a hard loss. If you need help with your grieving there are groups and Licensed Social Workers who are certified in special training for life transition work who can help you. May your good memories sustain you.

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Please ask for help from a trusted grief counselor. You should not blame yourself for this. You did your best to be responsible, to have her in a place where she was getting care and to be there. Nature does not always cooperate on the timing.

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You say that you can't seem to get past that you weren't there for her. You WERE there for her. Is a person's last breath any more important than any other breath they take? Only in the mind of the survivor. What is important is your relationship with your mom and what you did for her when you could. I am not sure why there has been such a build-up in our minds about a person's last moments.
For some it may be helpful to be there. For some it may be traumatic to see a loved one pass. But I don't think your loved one is dwelling on it. If they are sleeping in death, they are not aware. If you think they are aware somewhere, I cannot imagine them dwelling on their last few moments on earth.
Whatever you did or didn't do, there is not reason to dwell on it. Forgive yourself as we should forgive ourselves and others.

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Can I tell you something please?

Everyone goes alone. It doesn't matter if there are a hundred people surrounding that person 24 hours a day and don't leave them alone for a moment. When it's our time, we all take that journey on our own and leave when it's time for us to go.
We come into this world alone and we leave it the same way.
You were most certainly "there" for your mother. You would not have written your post or be feeling bad about her passing if you weren't.
You know this and your mom does too.
How about showing yourself a little kindness? You didn't do anything wrong going home to take a shower and to get a few things done that needed doing. Your mom went to the next life when she was ready to go and she is at peace. God bless her and keep her.
It's okay for you to grieve and miss your mom. It's not okay for you to put guilt on yourself for leaving for a little while because that wasn't wrong.

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How do you get over the guilt of not being there when a loved one passes away?

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