How do you get over the guilt of not being there when a loved one passes away?

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How do you get over the guilt of not being there when a loved one passes away?

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My mom was in the ICU. I went home the night before to shower and take care of a few things at home. Before I left the hospital that night I had asked the nurse on duty to please put it in my mom's chart for anyone on duty that night or early morning to call me if things were not looking good. She told me that she would and that she felt my Mom had at least a few days. Early the next morning I got a call from the Dr. saying that my Mom had passed. I can't seem to get past that I wasn't there for her. It has been 3 1/2 years and it still bothers me so much. Any advice on how to deal with the guilt and sadness would be greatly appreciated.

End of Life Grief Guilt

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Although this thread is over a month old, OP hasn't responded, so we don't know if any comments have helped. I have not read them myself, so apologies if my take repeats other comments.

First of all, why should you feel guilt for not being there? It is not something you have any control over, despite leaving notes to be contacted. Even if they did contact you, she could have passed before you could get there. Not knowing when we will take our last breath, there's no way to anticipate - the only option would be to sit beside her, 24/7, for what could be weeks or longer!

The second stroke my mother had did enough damage that she was soon to pass. My daughter and I arrived first (MC, but she was moved to an unoccupied AL room, as MC was off-limits due to the virus.) We stayed for a while, then my YB showed up with his daughters. We left them to "visit" with her. I'm only about 15 minutes from the facility, so I went home to take care of necessities and then returned after lunch. My nieces had left, leaving just YB with her. I left again, but returned in the evening. He stayed there the whole time. I went home really late, and he stayed overnight, sleeping on the floor. He left mid-morning to "freshen up" and planned to return. I had arrived shortly after he left. She passed around 1pm, before he could return, but I was there with her (SW and clergy were there with me too.)

Now, would he feel guilt for not being there when she passed? Perhaps. I don't know as I didn't ask. What is more disturbing to me is that he couldn't be bothered to visit on a regular basis (if he did at all after I stopped asking about "special" meals/holidays.) It is MORE beneficial to be there when they are still capable of seeing, hearing, interacting with you. By the time mom had been moved to the AL room, she was almost beyond that. By the time he arrived, she really wasn't responsive. So, think about it. If she passed in her sleep, she wouldn't likely know you were there. When she was still awake and responsive, she would know. To me that's more important.

In summary, my mother had often said, long before dementia entered, "If you can't be bothered to visit me when I'm alive, don't bother coming when I'm dead." It is one of the few things we agreed on! Granted this is a slightly different case, but the point is, be there when it is beneficial to you both.

Also, there are so many instances where a person passes/dies when we CAN'T be with them - alone in their own home, in accidents, in a hospital before we can even get there.

Save guilt for actual wrongs you might do. Don't beat yourself up over something you have no control over.

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Probably not the answer you're seeking, but some things to ponder on; No one dies alone. When their life journey is done, God has them in his hands. It's a privilege to be with a loved one when their time comes, and not everyone is meant to share that. Sometimes, a loved one might prefer that you not be with them - and yes, they are aware of who, what, when, why. So if you had been there, you'd have a different set of guilt issues to deal with. Why do you feel guilty about not being there? I'm sure you had a moment to say your goodbyes, - you knew her time was near, as she did, and just maybe she wanted to save you the pain of watching her pass on. What you're doing is hurting you and I don't think she'd want that. Maybe it's time to turn a new page - release her and you from this burden, and move forward, one step at a time.

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GeorgiaBound,

First, let me send my sincere condolences on the passing of your precious mom. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Second, let me say that I was chastised for staying with my mom for 13 days and nights while she was in Hospice at the hospital. She was in excruciating pain...screaming all the time...day and night. My family got really upset with me for staying with her and scolded me saying "She's not going to die with you by her side!".

I felt so alone. I can't speak for your situation but, maybe it's a blessing that you were not with your mom when she passed on. Maybe it was meant to be the way it played out just like maybe it was meant to be when my mom passed.

I think what's important is you were there for your mom in her time of need. This does not mean you had to be there when she passed on. She obviously knew how much you loved here and vice-versa. Maybe she didn't want you to see her transition? That is a very real possibility or she may have died earlier while you were there?

Please move on with the knowledge that you were a wonderful daughter to your mom. There's not much more you could have done. Your mom is at peace now.

I am here if you need to talk.

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I was in down the hall when my father passed. They had kicked us out of his room to re-position him. I was signing papers to get him into hospice. I did what I could up until that moment and it sounds like you did too. Not even the doctors can predict time of death. We each have to die by ourselves.

The best way I know to deal with grief is to create some kind of legacy in the name of the person you are grieving. It could be a financial donation to a good cause, a physical memorial, or you going forward with your life like your mother would want.

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I'm sorry you weren't there before she passed. That must have been terrible. I know you were hoping for one last time with her. Still, it's not your fault. It would happened whether you were there or not and you did the best you could. I wouldn't blame yourself in this case.

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Do you think it was a coincidence that your Mom waited to pass until you went home? She had been sticking around for you even though it was her time. G-d took her without you there because He knew how distraught you would have been. I know this is why I wasn't with my Dad when he passed away. It would have fractured my heart in such a way that I don't know if I would have survived...we were that close.

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Yes I can relate to this. My dear father was at home for a couple of weeks after being diagnosed with metastasized lung cancer from his previous colon cancer a few years earlier. He had to be taken to a hospice eventually as his care became too much for me and mom. He had declined and the doctor came and told him that it was time to go. He cried at the side of his bed. I had never seen my dad cry. Most I'd seen was a teardrop in his eye at a funeral but nothing more. He was a strong man with these big working man hands. He was selfless and his love was completely unconditional. That is why it was so hard to have received that call on that Sunday morning from the hospice that he had passed. I was there with him on Saturday night but the guy's son in the bed next to dad would never leave and I was getting impatient to I can have some privacy with dad, so I decided to leave and come back the next morning. Now I am angry at that dude. His dad survived another week. Crazy huh? On dad's first day in the hospice, he was wheeled out for a shower and I encountered him and the nurse in the hallway on his way back. His beautiful eyes lit up when he saw me and called my name. Like he was genuinely surprised to see me. He was on pain meds and feeling quite good. That was the last conscious thing he did. After that, he slipped into an unresponsive state but what a beautiful last encounter I had with my beloved dad. Now I take care of mom who is almost 93 and has osteoarthritis. It's so hard watching your parents decline. You never think of this while you're young. My dad did not want my poor mom around when the moment came but I want to be there when mom passes. God, please let me be there... Do not feel guilty. Instead, use the energy constructively and pray for mom. There is so much we can still do for loved ones even after death. Pray for their soul and don't assume everybody goes directly to Heaven. Thank the Lord for the years of love you've had. Not everybody is so lucky. You can continue to love even after death by praying for them is what I'm trying to say and it will relieve the burden on your heart too. God bless your mom.

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Let me ask you, would your mother hav wanted you staying at the hospital for days or even 24 hrs without a break or would she have told you to go home, get some sleep, take a shower? Was she awake and coherent or was she sleeping when you left, most of the time you were there? Either way she knew you were there, she knew you were with her at the end and she felt your love. Often patients seem to pass after their loved ones have gone home for the night, even a short break. We see the scenes of people passing peacefully while their loved ones stand around or someone is holding their hand and the machines give that long beep but I don't think every patient wants their loved ones to witness their passing, I don't know if its their way to protect us or simple vanity but I think they pass very peacefully knowing how much we love them, knowing we have been there with them for their last days, hours and knowing we weren’t actually present when they took their last breath, just the way they wanted it. Sounds tome like your mother was at peace with her passing and that is what we want right, for them not to be afraid and be at peace? The last thing my mother would want is for me or my brothers to feel guilty about not being there, especially years later, I know that.

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Hello my dear ... my name is Chris ... and I know what you mean. It sure is not easy but two points I would like to make.
1/ Lets just say this is not about you ... lets say its about her only just for a minute. I know you don't mean this to be about you ... of course its all about mom, bust lets just think what is best for her for a moment. Let's say mom was sleeping, resting or coasting away on her own ... like it is in most cases near the end. Sedatives, drugs put elderly in a different state. Mom knows you were there ... mom knows your love and your heart is there. Mom knows she will see you again one day too. What mom does not want is for you to feel guilty just like you would not want your child to feel guilty. Now if you had not seen your mom in a year or so, yes I would say you might have something to feel guilty about.
The other thing I want to say is that its never in your hands. God decides what is best for mom and you and when its time. Mom loves you like you love her. Mom is still inside you ... in your mind, in your heart, in your brain, in your cells, in your blood. Every morning say hello mom I know you are with me and we are going to have a nice day together. At night time, say good night to her. She will hear you ... you will start to feel it and you will also get answers to questions from her because she is with you above and inside always. Hope you stay well and please say hi to your mom from my mom Trudy and from Chris.

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My mother was in the hospital dying from Covid. I was on my way to visit when a nurse called to tell me she had passed away. Yes, I was sad she died alone, but there is nothing I can do to change that fact.

I console myself with the fact that I have spent the last several years caring for her and spending time with her, seeing that she was safe and cared for. I believe that has more meaning than being there at her unconscious end.

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It’s God’s decision when to end a person’s life, so don’t beat yourself up for not being there at that precise moment. Rest in knowing that you were there during the last part of her life on earth.

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im so sorry for your loss.

if you had been there, at that very moment, you would be worried about having been there. You might have PTSD, or very painful memories that you can’t shake.

You can’t possibly be unhappy with anyone for not notifying you—knowing this timing would have been impossible.

What matters most is all the happy times that you were together. Try to shift your focus to positive memories.

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I had the same thing happen to me and it broke my heart - but in time I came to learn that death does NOT provide a time, place, and events so people can be there with them. It just happens. You are not guilty. Please think of the good times and how many times you were with her. I am sure she knew you loved her - but death, like time, marches on its own terms - you can't control this.

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There may always be a feeling of sadness because you would have liked to be there for both her and you. However the feeling of guilt is one you should put aside and free yourself of. A very high number of people approaching death will hang on until the person they love and who has been with them leaves their side. My mother sat with my grandmother for hours, popped out for a bite of lunch and came back to find she had passed. Dying people can be very strong in a determination to not let their loved ones suffer the actual passing, it is an act of love they seem able to give. Unless we tell them they are free to sleep and leave us (and even if we do) they will often wait until we are not there and they feel able to go and cause us less distress. I am not saying this is always the case, some pass peacefully with family at the bedside, but it seems for some their last gift of love is to go when their loved ones are not present to see the actual passing. Take this as a gift from your mother, NOT something for you to feel guilt over, and remember her for her never ending love for you. xx

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Very nicely said - wow!

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Your story could be mine. My dad was in his last days/weeks 3 1/2 years ago (cannot believe its been that long) and after a long day being with him in a nursing home I thought I needed a break. The hospice nurse (not on staff at nursing home, but visiting) said she could not guarantee what would happen, but she does know when a person is down to hours and she could not say that about my dad. I left, told nurse at NH to call me. At ten PM she called, saying he started going downhill at 7 and died at 10

When I got there, I asked why she didnt call me. All she could say it was her fault. What do you say to that

I replayed millions of times how I should have stayed there knowing time was short, and wondering if my dad felt bad since noone was there. He was in latter stages of ALZ so I sort of comforted myself thinking he was not aware anyway, but other places I read said they would know. I so much woudl have loved to be there. Well not loved, but you know what I mean

Though I still have regrets, I have gotten better over time. The biggest thing that comforted me was someone reminding me how in his last 10 weeks, I was at his bedside at least part of the day most every day. She said being there all that time when he was alive was better than being there when he left. I dont know if that is really true or not, but it rang true. Other patients at the NH didnt have family members there every day

Anyway, I guess I can both relate, but also say for me it has gotten better an dnow my memories of him are more of when he was alive and smiling.

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GeorgiaBound: I am so sorry for the loss of your mother and send condolences. You must let go of any guilt, allowing yourself to grieve.

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GeorgiaBound, I hope this will help you. I w/ relay something my brother said to me that broke me out of my mesmerism and gave me peace.

I felt awful that the details of a loved one's passing were not what I had hoped. I felt I let them down.
This loved one and I had such a special bond, we both knew the special love we had for one another. No doubt about it.

I was crying and kind of inconsolable. My brother asked, "Do you think Xavie loved you?"
"Of course I do. I know he did. We were like this (holding two fingers crossed together)."
"Then how do you think he would feel - seeing you so sad & torn up? Wouldn't that make him sad? When we love someone, we don't want them to be sad, right? You don't want him to be sad, do you?"
"You're right. I know, if he were here, he'd put his arm around me and say, "Don't be sad; you gave me a wonderful life! I love you and I am at peace now! I don't want you to be sad; I love you!!"

I think I would do the same for him if the situation were reversed.

I truly think there is no memory of any negativity surrounding one's passing. You are in Heaven, and there cannot therefore be "lack" of any kind.
Plus, the love between you doesn't die! Maybe the physical outside changes, but the love is eternal.

I hope this can bring you peace. Big hugs to you!

I'm sure your dear mom would be like my Xavie.

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It is my opinion, after comparing parents' deaths with friends, that often the dying person will wait until he or she is alone. or with a spouse only (or even with a kind stranger like a nurse). to die. We all were with our father all day, and most went home to take care of children,. My younger brother stayed, but left the room for 5 minutes. My father died in that 5 minutes. I think for many death is a very private thing. My father had been embarrassed that his children had to care for him intimately during his last illness. And, despite being a great raconteur, there were private and personal things about his life that he never told his children. And, consider this, None of us know how we will look when we die, and the dying are, after all, our parents, and want to protect us from harshness. Even if we are 50 or 60 years old. Even if we were very close. Many of my friends have stated that a parent died very soon after they left. As if the parent says, "Finally, my little girl (or boy) has left the room. They're too young to see this."

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I’m often surprised at how loving relatives “plan” their departure to spare the loved ones who are closest to them.

A very sweet mom whom I knew well, deliberately arranged for each of her 3 cherished daughters to leave her room “briefly”, after they had spent a delightful morning with her, and while they were out of her room, passed peacefully away.

If I were you, I’d consider your last visit as the loving parting that was what she chose as her gift for you.

For different reasons, I was with neither my mother nor my father when they died. Although I grieved both painfully, I understood that they had left me entirely loved, and realized that I felt the same.

I have spoke often of their passings, and those who knew them well confirm that it was like them to have been well prepared to go to their rest, including several clergy people, and spare me the moment of their parting from me.

You have no reason to feel guilt, and less reason to be burdened by it.

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Hello Ann, my aunt who I was caring for was ill with cancer in her esophagus and she could not communicate very well. We left the room for a short while and then when we returned she had passed. Its so difficult to over come, even years later I find ... did you have much help from your sisters after ward and during the ordeal and with healing?

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I had been spending 13 hours a day at the hospital with my dad while my mom and I were trying to get him into hospice. He was terminally ill. I left one afternoon briefly to go home and walk my dog, whom my dad loved. I told him I was going home to walk him, but would be right back. The hospice nurse and my mom were there. My dad died about 5 minutes after I left. Of course I came back distraught and ANGRY! How could he die without my being there? After 2 weeks/13 hours a day being there. The hospice nurse told me that for whatever reason he didn't want me to be there, so he took the opportunity of the "open window" with me gone and departed. Although I still wished that I had been there, I understood and felt much better. Since his death I have heard MANY similar stories.

I believe the same happened with with your mom. For whatever reason, I don't think she wanted you to see her at that last moment. If she had, I believe she would have hung in there until you could get there. Just my personal thought. I hope maybe this can give you some comfort that you in fact honored your mom's last wish.

Please do not beat yourself up. The best way to honor your mom is to live a good life. My best to you.

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You have a spirtual connection that will never go away. If God was never in your life seek a Pastor or Hospice Chaplain. If God is and was in both of your lives....Pray to God for forgiveness and He will do it and She will also forgive. Remember Grief and loss will never go away...you will adjust and move forward in your life's schedule. The Lord will take you thru the grief and loss no matter if it takes the rest of your life. God's Presence makes a difference in adjusting to your loss and grief.

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I have some more comments for you to consider:

The past is the past. The future is what you make of it. If you dwell in the past it will be your future. Also, you have a husband and two sons, focus on enriching your life and their lives with your love for them; do things together as a loving family.

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Try to give yourself some slack; some people choose to die by themselves; you did not get to 'say goodbye' at The Moment but your mother knows you Were 'there' for her. Remember that we are part of the animal kingdom, and many animals go off to die on their own, a kind of ultimate death with dignity/privacy. Dying is a profoundly personal journey; lending support and care is essential as we approach our passage but ultimately it is a solo event.

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My mom just passed last Thursday. She had severe Dementia and I had just finally decided to place her in Memory Care, after five years of caring for her at home. She also had mobility issues and needed 24/7 care. Her Dementia frustrated her so much and she would often say she wanted to "go home". I knew she did not mean to a particular house. In her frustrated moments, she would say "I'm going to die".

She was hospitalized for three days and then went to the Memory Care facility.
Before she went to the hospital, she had not been eating well or very much. Once there and then in the Memory Care facility, she refused to eat and was not drinking enough water

She had been there for less than two weeks and deteriorated quickly, day by day. Only once when I visited did she seem to recognize me and smiled. Each time when I left I would kiss her forehead and tell her I loved her.

The morning before she passed, I received a call from the facility at 5:30 AM that she was not doing well and they had put her on oxygen. I rushed over and she was non-responsive, but breathing. I sat with her for six hours and held her hand. I told her it was okay to let go, if she was ready. I kissed her and left to get lunch.

They called shortly after and said she wasn't doing well and they thought she needed to be in the hospital, so they sent her

The hospital ER called and wanted to confirm her DNR and POLST. As we were speaking, the nurse said "I believe she just passed", and then confirmed no pulse and her heart had stopped.

I know she did not want to live like that and so she left us. I am at peace, because I know she is at peace. As the others have said, sometimes they wait for us to leave.

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Can I tell you something please?

Everyone goes alone. It doesn't matter if there are a hundred people surrounding that person 24 hours a day and don't leave them alone for a moment. When it's our time, we all take that journey on our own and leave when it's time for us to go.
We come into this world alone and we leave it the same way.
You were most certainly "there" for your mother. You would not have written your post or be feeling bad about her passing if you weren't.
You know this and your mom does too.
How about showing yourself a little kindness? You didn't do anything wrong going home to take a shower and to get a few things done that needed doing. Your mom went to the next life when she was ready to go and she is at peace. God bless her and keep her.
It's okay for you to grieve and miss your mom. It's not okay for you to put guilt on yourself for leaving for a little while because that wasn't wrong.

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You say that you can't seem to get past that you weren't there for her. You WERE there for her. Is a person's last breath any more important than any other breath they take? Only in the mind of the survivor. What is important is your relationship with your mom and what you did for her when you could. I am not sure why there has been such a build-up in our minds about a person's last moments.
For some it may be helpful to be there. For some it may be traumatic to see a loved one pass. But I don't think your loved one is dwelling on it. If they are sleeping in death, they are not aware. If you think they are aware somewhere, I cannot imagine them dwelling on their last few moments on earth.
Whatever you did or didn't do, there is not reason to dwell on it. Forgive yourself as we should forgive ourselves and others.

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Please ask for help from a trusted grief counselor. You should not blame yourself for this. You did your best to be responsible, to have her in a place where she was getting care and to be there. Nature does not always cooperate on the timing.

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A simple changing of the wording you use when you talk to yourself may help.
I am firstly so sorry for your loss. But what you are feeling now is "grief", not guilt. You hoped to be there when your Mom passed. As a nurse I can assure you that patients often wait until relatives leave so they feel more free to pass; they often spend time trying to help the grief of their loved ones when they would rather be involved in the work of letting go.
The word "guilt" assumes that there is something you could have/would have been able to do about this loss. Grief recognizes that you have sustained a hard loss. If you need help with your grieving there are groups and Licensed Social Workers who are certified in special training for life transition work who can help you. May your good memories sustain you.

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If I rewrote a few of your words I would almost have the same story for my LO. My LO had breathing problems, but no Covid, and was in ICU with a ventilator for a few days but later released to a regular hospital room. My LO was doing better with just nasal oxygen and was restful. I felt good about my LO’s medical condition and at 8pm I went home to rest and sleep. I was awaken in early morning with a telephone call that my LO passed. Since you were with mom just before she passed she knows that you were with her, and you do not deserve to feel guilty. More than likely your mom did not want you to see her pass. Please read the book by Kathryn Mannix, “With the End in Mind.” You can read a free preview online. It may help you under your situation better.

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Drop the Cuomo comments. We’ve all read your comments. He’s GONE. It’s over and done.

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Therapy. Make an appt. with a therapist and put this in the past.

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How do you get over the guilt of not being there when a loved one passes away?

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