My 91 yr old mother is in the nursing home for the second time this year. She wants to go home and NH believes her that she has adequate support to do so. Nope! She has a colostomy (25yrs) and has had several partial blockages in the last year. She is improving in rehab and would do well in an assisted living facility with some additional help. However, she no no longer uses her walker on her own so she uses a wheelchair. I have to say she usually is good with transfers to the toilet, but the wheelchair won't work on her thick carpet or fit through the door to her bathroom. It has been an increasing problem for me in the last couple years running to her house in the middle of the night. She has fallen multiple times. Broke her hip 2 years ago. She can't cook anymore and doesn't like what meals on wheels brings. I bring her food and she lets it sit. I had aides coming in daily but she sent them away except for about an hour a day. She has lost 100 pounds in 2 years. I am 62 with my own health problems and I can no longer do this. My 73 year old husband is a peach helping but he says enough. We have helped her remain in her home for 16 years since my Dad died. I know I need to just tell her no. We are going to see her this week and lay out options for her. Basically one of two assisted living places or stay in NH. My husband says if she insists she's going home we say that's her choice but we will not help her do this because it is unsafe for her and harmful to our well-being. I just don't know how this will go and if she will fight us. If she managed to get home there is no way I'd ignore her so it seems an empty threat.
Yes, your Mom will fight you. Before I found this website I didn't realized I was enabling my parents to continue with their own lifestyle while I had to make drastic changes to my own. If only I would re-wind the past 7 years !!
My Mom didn't want anything done to her house in the way of making it elderly friendly. She wouldn't even allow us to rearrange the furniture to make it easier for her and Dad. Use a walker? In what universe would that happen?
My Mom would fight us tooth and nail, and would die trying to prove us wrong, that she was able to take care of herself and my Mom. Her last fall was her final fall.
I honestly believe that our elderly parents don't view us as senior citizens. I know I could not convince my parents of my age, even waving my Medicare card and AARP membership. We will always be "kids" and what do we know. After going through the terrible stress of dealing with my parents I know now that senior citizens should not be caring for their parents, especially when we have our own age decline and health issues. There were days I thought my parents would outlive me.
Is narcissistic personality disorder and paranoia just since dementia?
After many falls my near 93 year old mom also refused to let caregivers in the house so now she's in a memory care facility - lots of problems with this situation now too
Are you sure your mom will be able to be in assisted living or will you have to hire a personal caregiver for her ?
Mom is almost certainly telling the young social worker " oh, my daughter will be there to do that".
Send the se, cc to the head social worker and don of rehab, a certified letter stating that you will not be on site to assist mom with bathing, transfers, meal prep, dressing or toileting. That if she needs assistance in those adls, caregivers will need to be hired or she will need facility care. Ask what level of care they are recommeding for your mom and make them put in writing what they believe. And ask for an assessment of the home by an OT.
If they plan to discharge mom to home, do not pick her up. Stand firm and don't let them guilt you.
New found; Response to "I want to go home"
"When they ask to go home, they might be asking permission to leave
this world. It should be OK to go home ..."
"It is more difficult for a person with dementia to "go home"
Maybe your LO is using different words to asking permission to leave
this world?
Are you ready and able to grant LO permmission?
I have been reading other post comments and see there is no easy decision for family or caregiver. I have come to the reality of what is important and best for the love one I am being a caregiver for is SAFTEY FOR THE LOVE ONE AND THE CAREGIVER. Saftey is vital and so because I know the 86 old man I care for is to a point I can not care for him I need to say to the family member I can no longer care for her day because of saftey reasons. She knows he needs to go to a home but can't do it but I believe she will have to do something because I can no longer be the caregiver. Do I give her a time so she can make arrangements or what if she just won't. Please help me with some advice. This is been a long term relationship living with the man. Yes, there are some emotional ties, because I have come to love him as my own dad and the daughter has nothing to do with him as far as care, none of the family. I do it all. I have no complaints it has been a joy but I can't continue because I know he needs to be in a home with proper care and so I pray to God that the daughter does the right thing and I am doing the right thing. I believe I am. What is some advice please
So very true ! I enjoy reading differing points of view and very helpful stuff.
Tell the daughter what you have just told us. She must immediately hire more caregivers or place her dad in skilled care. This is no longer a one person live in caregiver job. I am guessing you probably have no legal protection if you become injured. Do you have proper employment papers and pay social security etc or is this a casual agreement as so many are? Protect yourself no one is going to look after you if the pair of you fall. In fact you will probably be blamed for negligence. Sorry to be so harsh but far too many women fall into these casual employment traps.
That was very encouraging. I did not received it harsh but much wisdom. You seemed to know what I am going through. No, to your question as far as I have any legal help.. Can you direct me to some one who can help me as far as legal help. I have a contract and I have kept up every detail and beyond. The daughter is power of attorney and she knows I have went beyond she has told me. The rest of the family wants her to put her dad in a home but she feels guilty but she knows being safe is prority so any way I still need to protect myself. Any more wisdom you can throw my way. help