So last year I took my mother in and have been caring for her. I went to see her across country and saw what bad shape she was in alone so I moved her here. She's 89 and in total decline. When she first got here last fall she was walking, could fix simple meals, shower, hold a conversation, etc. Now she's bedridden, barely knows who anyone is anymore, needs care like a baby (diapers, bathing, etc.).
It's hard but but the thing I really struggle with is that she abused me my whole life. She was physically, emotionally and psychologically abusive my whole childhood and I spent decades as an adult trying to undo some of the damage she did and trying to live with what I couldn't undo.
We were not on good terms when I took her in; barely kept in touch. But she literally had no one left. . . I'm an only child, adopted at that. All her siblings are dead, my dad is long gone, her nieces & nephews barely speak to her. My two adult kids barely speak to her, they had it with her long ago because she was horrible to them.
My youngest lives with me and he's disabled so I care for him as well, she's stressing him out.
When I took her in she didn't qualify for nursing home care and couldn't afford it. I couldn't leave her to die. Last time we checked with insurance here she didn't qualify for a nursing home but she did qualify for a full-time aide, which has helped (though she doesn't like to let them do things for her and waits for them to leave then asks me, at least there is someone to babysit her 8 hrs per day so I can work and do other things).
Sometimes when she gets mean her health care providers try to explain it's the dementia, for me though when she's mean she sounds more like her old self. It's when she's nice I think the dementia is at its worst.
Anyway, sorry this is so long, but there are times when it feels like old wounds are being ripped open and I wonder why I put up with this, but I don't even think I really have a choice because I just feel like she's my responsibility.
Anyone else going through something similar? How do you cope?
You and your child need your lives back.
I feel a bit guilty too, I know putting her in a home will finish her off, it'll just kill her will to live.
Over and over again, I read here the advice that those who have been abused to not be the person with hands on care of their abusive parent. With that said, would you mother not qualify for medicaid to pay for her going to a nursing home?
I wish you the best and am sorry for your past of being abused. Sounds like you are experiencing post traumatic stress syndrome from your being abused in the past. Please take care of yourself and get her somewhere else.
Do you just happen to have durable and or medical POA for her?
Getting out of being here direct care giver and what impact that may or may not have on her is nothing to feel guilty about. It's a boundary that needs to be in place. Too often the abused ends up having more love for the abuser than the abuser has for the abused. That's a trap. It's like a time bomb that they planted in your soul to keep you form fully taking care of yourself. Take care of you and your child. Those are your primary responsibility. She's made her bed.
She qualified for medicaid but they're short on bed space, that's why they sent the health care attendants and are going to re-assess every 6 months if she needs more hours of home attendants or if she needs to just be put in a home.
Maybe you would benefit from seeing a therapist now for their objective support. As a victim of abuse myself, I would say you have a non battle field version of PTSD. Please take all measures to take care of you and don't take any prisoners on the way!
Is there a nursing home with openings near or further away! Your own health and that of your child are at stake.
My mother is an abusive drunk, I would never attempt to take care of her. She is 94 and lives alone. When something happens my brother and I will place her in a home, until then we just stay out of her way.
Dolly - while it's a bummer that your mom is an abusive drunk, it is good that you and your brother are on the same page. Amazing that she still lives alone at 94!
Your child is deserving of every bit of strength you can muster moving forward. I encourage you to put your Mom in the care of the State should you need to back away from hands on caregiving and I assure you they will treat her with more dignity and respect than she afforded you. I am sorry for the amount heaped on your plate. I hope it will somehow get easier for you. Hugs headed your way.
Memories are so hard to deal with. PTSD is real and it applies to all trauma, not just a battle field.
I see a therapist. It will help you sort things out in your head and heart.
Best wishes to you. Hugs.
🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Now I am free from guilt.
Do I still have CPTSD? Of course, but I am not compounding it with guilt and self-recrimination.
Peace to you and big hugs
FWIW, I had to do the same as you, or I was going to end up in some psych ward. It took a lot of work and a whole lot of counseling, but at least I feel I can do it (for now) because of the very steps you mentioned. Especially keeping in mind my mother's sh*tty upbringing.
I also keep in mind that this isn't going to last forever. If I can make peace with her and help get her through this last horrible stage of life then I think in the end that will be healing for me too. At least I hope.
and
"When I took her in she didn't qualify for nursing home care and couldn't afford it. I couldn't leave her to die. Last time we checked with insurance here she didn't qualify for a nursing home but she did qualify for a full-time aide, which has helped (though she doesn't like to let them do things for her and waits for them to leave then asks me, at least there is someone to babysit her 8 hrs per day so I can work and do other things)."
What happens at night? Does she disturb your sleep?
This can't go on for you and your child. If she has to be hospitalized, that is the time that you refuse to take her back home with you. Tell them you are unable to take care of her. Tell them of the past abuse.
I fear that as long as you take her back home, your mother will never move up that waiting list for a facility. And that is what you want -- for her to be out of your home.
"I feel a bit guilty too, I know putting her in a home will finish her off, it'll just kill her will to live."
Right now her "will to live" is so that she can continue ordering you around and stressing out your son. Does that make sense? No!
My decision was after offering my mother smiled and declined. It was a wise call. The competition continued but not under my roof. She’s “resides” in a top end facility now and complains daily. And I battle that manipulation and guilt bombing everyday. Did we make right choice, yes I don’t believe I was capable of caring for someone as a PTSD survivor, and my LO did nothing to deserve living with her.
That being said...You have to first put the oxygen mask on yourself before caring for others. You have to care for yourself first. You need emotional strength and good health all around. So...You can better care for your mom by getting her into a facility.
I see she’ll have an evaluation at the end of the year. Fantastic. You will once again have the chance to do the right thing by getting her the best care, elsewhere.
Praying you can separate your feelings (easier said than done, I know) as you care for her right now.
How did I deal with caring for her? Compassion. I had to remember that as she aged, she was losing her world. First, she started losing her sight, which shrank her world to where she could go without a car. Then her hearing started to go. Diabetic neuropathy started to make it difficult for her to walk. She became totally dependent upon my husband and myself for housing, shopping, and company. When she went into the nursing home (because no one wanted to care for her personally), she lost almost all of her belongings. As she aged, her world became smaller and smaller and smaller.
Did it make her grateful for her children? Only if they fawned over her. She became bitter when she recovered and we all had to go back to work - she was especially angry at me, who was her POA and main caregiver. My sisters worked on her and convinced her that I was no longer capable of caring for her, and she transferred her POA to them and they moved her to another home.
The only way I could deal with all of this was to find some kernal of compassion. I am also a member of Al-Anon, since I have various family members and friends who are alcoholics. This program was my lifeline during this time. Al-Anon teaches its members how to deal with difficult situations - and this certainly qualified!
God bless you and I pray you find your answers.
It is normal to feel guilty. I was in a very similar situation with an abusive mother, and I have a son with a disability. You have a responsibility to your son, not your mother.
Even with her living in an AL or a nursing home you would be involved and would be the responsible contact. I can tell you from experience, you can worry about her "will to live," but it will never be your responsibility to make her happy. Trying to protect her "will to live" could very well destroy your own.
I really suggest you try to get on some waiting lists for placement now. If her name comes up too soon, you can always turn it down and get on the list again.
Please, place her before your own health suffers like mine did.
YOUR life and YOUR child's life are IMPORTANT and meaningful. You do not owe your parent anything. Your coping mechanism should be a life for you and your children. I hope you can get your parent into a nursing home and distance yourself from the situation. Reliving the abuse, anger, and a host of many other emotions that come with abuse is not healthy for you or your children and will send you back down into a spiral. I chose to go no contact with my mother because she was so abusive and I was reliving the abuse which was not good for my mental health. You have the right to take care of yourself. You are not obligated to take care of an abusive parent. Many narcissitic, abusive parents end up alone because of their abuse.
God bless and please take care of yourself and your children.
Take care of you. I have my own room and sometimes I just tell him I’m not feeling well and I’m going to rest and watch some tv. I let him know I’m here if he needs anything. I have my faith and my quiet time that keeps me sane. I also work a lot.... then I come home and do the cooking and clean up. I do his laundry work mine and try to make his life as simple as possible. But I will not let him abuse me. When he starts to.... I let him know I will be going to my room. He’s a loner anyway.... he has no friends. So it’s to his advantage to be nice if he wants company.... otherwise he sits alone. I’m here if he needs anything. This is only temporary and he is in his last days. It’s difficult to live this way because we never know if today will be the day that I find him gone. Then we go to the next phase of our life. We take one day at a time, put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can.... Pray!!! We are here for a reason.... we have to see the bigger picture. I hope some of this was helpful to you
I can definitely relate on some levels although I was not physically abused. My dad was and is mentally ill and now has advanced dementia. There is a neighbor/angel that helps a bit, and me 8 hours away. I am his conservator now. I consider myself his care manager and could never be his caregiver. Even my monthly visits I cannot do more than 8 hours of being with him. Because being around my dad was a huge trigger, I started therapy with an excellent psychologist to deal with my near debilitating PTSD from growing up with a dad who was psychologically and emotionally abusive because of mental illness and his own history of abuse. A process called EMDR has been amazingly helpful and has enabled me to carry out this service of overseeing and arranging everything for my dad.
It seems so far, for me, no one involved, (doctors, social workers etc .), take into account my dads mental illness. There is often an assumption by folks that my dad must have been like their own dad. 😆If only!!
I average 15 hous a week working on phone and paperwork for him- and visits require 3 days round trip with lodging. I am finally going to receive help from the state soon.
I say all this to hopefully encourage you to seek good help for YOU, delegate all you possibly can for mom—with absolutely NO guilt, and know that any role you play is not required of you but purely grace on your part. May God bless you abundantly precious one! 💕 (( hugs))
Truth be told, I don't honestly think my mother deserves the care that I provide. She certainly takes it for granted. I have friends who know my history with her and they ask, "why are you even helping her", and the answer that I give them is what I want to share. I don't do it for her. I do it for me. I was raised, more or less, by my grandmother who taught me family values including compassion, empathy, and that you take care of family who can't take care of themselves. I was taught to be kind, even when it's not reciprocated. I'm a caring person. I know that if my mother were to die living in squalor, or homeless, I would feel guilty. I would feel guilty for not helping when I know I could. I know I will never have the mother/daughter relationship I wanted or deserved. I'm not helping her because she deserves it. I'm investing in my future peace of mind. Knowing I helped in her final years (and at end stage COPD, these are her final years), and that I did what I could to make her comfortable, I will not have guilt later. I know I shouldn't feel guilt, but I know my psychology. Regardless of whether she deserves my help, I would feel guilty for not giving it anyway. That's just who I am.
So I wouldn't think of what you are doing to help her as doing it for her. You do whatever you need to do ease your pain later. You feel this is the right thing to do, whether or not she is grateful, or even deserving given your past. Your help is an investment in your future peace of mind. You won't have the "if I only had ___" moments. You'll know you did what you could. Honestly, it's the only mindset that has helped me deal with the moments when I just want to throw my hands in the air and quit. I hope that helps.
When your mother is next assessed, you need to stand firm on the fact that her being in your house is negatively impacting your disabled son. No amount of paid for caregivers will offset the damage she is doing to your son.
If need be, get your son's doctor to write a note on how detrimental her being in your house is for you.
If she has to go to the hospital for any reason, refuse to bring her home. Often here you will see posts saying it is an unsafe discharge for the parent. In your case it is an unsafe discharge for your child.
You must put your child first. If that means bringing your mother to the hospital's ER because she might have a UTI and telling the discharge planner that she cannot be discharged to your home, then so be it. Hospitals have access to nursing home facilities. Let the professionals help you help yourself.
Dealing with cancer (mine) and her complete lack of concern or interest in how I am doing was the final straw. I would like to say she has dementia, but until I see a dx of such, I am going to believe she is simply choosing to be what/who she is.
It has been beyond heartbreaking to watch my sibs all drift apart--YB who houses mother is very controlling about who gets in to see mother and what they are allowed to do for her. I am at the point where if I am there, he might come in and tell me he's going to call the police.
For what? Cleaning her bathroom? Their respective crazies feed each other.
I'd hoped to have worked out the problems between us before she dies or slides into dementia, but that isn't going to happen.
It's really so sad. And I am watching the exact same thing with my MIL and my DH. She's going downhill really, really fast and he cannot bear to even be in her home for 12/ hr--he comes home angry and annoyed and I get the brunt. Last thing I need--anger I don't 'deserve'.
I did get professional help with my issues with mother. It has helped tremendously, I no longer feel compelled to go to her home and help her. It is what it is. My other 3 sibs ignore her and seem none the worse for the wear. I have had to do it too.
Its in her best interest, and you don’t owe a mean person anything if they were cruel in life to you. You can visit to make sure she’s being taken care of because your a kind an caring person. If you feel as If it’s your duty I would suggest reading “planet Alzheimer” it’s packed with information on how to detach from the madness. Just my opinion and I wish you the best outcome.
I didn't really want to or enjoy taking care of her seeing as how we'd never been close, she was never nurturing or loving, or supportive or accepting of me. I often got the feeling that her love was quite conditional - if I did, thought and believed exactly as she wanted me to, then I'd have it; otherwise I just wasn't good enough. So it was tough to find myself in the position of best being able to care for her and I really resented it. But I managed to provide in-home hospice care for her for almost 6 full months (while juggling a job, a boyfriend, outside interests and my own kids/grandkids in other cities). I had to put some things on hold but I told myself I really did it for my siblings - one in particular who had a very demanding job and was simply unable to provide the kind of care she needed. (She was so difficult that based on past experience we knew she'd get bounced in and out of nursing homes so that wasn't an option).
It was also the 'right' thing to do, given that in our society people don't understand when you are not one of those people who got the benefit of having a loving, nurturing mother, so you look like a horrible person for not taking care of them. She passed away not quite a month ago.
So yes, I guess I can sleep better at night, but it wasn't easy getting here. She didn't deserve the care she got, that's for sure and I'm not even sure she appreciated my sacrifices and inconvenience in the end.
(I could really relate to the PTSD theory of dealing with a mother like this...I too underwent several years of therapy to undo some of the damage this woman did to my self-esteem and the resulting life choices it led me to make...I'm a much stronger woman now and have my life together with great people in it, but damn, it was a long and unnecessary road to have to take to get here).
Therapy here I go! I have hope I will meet myself soon...Mom's alcoholism & dementia took so much focus I really don't know who I am right now. But everyday I get a peek & some hope!
Make a list of things you need caretaker to handle for her. Be very clear with them that even if she says not to do it, do it. If they have l left chores for you, do not do them and tell her (if she understands) that she should not have told them not to take care of the task - it will have to wait until tomorrow.
It must be common that some of the mean ones get nice with the dementia and those who were nice get a mean streak - have seen it happen. Have also seen the mean ones get even meaner. Take advantage of the good days so you will have some better memories.