How to deal with being a caregiver to an aging parent who abused you?

Yes, I feel sorry for her (my mother) because her golden child daughter and son can’t handle my mother’s progressive dementia and physical decline. I was the daughter who was invisible since I was the opposite of her. Years of mental, emotional, and physical abuse by her left me with feelings of resentment because now she needs me. When I needed her, she rejected me. Many stories. Painful past. However, I decided to put all that aside and honor her out of love and what little respect I have for her.

Mackenzie, I've been struggling with a similar situation. Here's how it played it out for me: I provided myself with as much self-care as possible until mom finally required hospitalization. Self-care doesn't have to be expensive. I'd play meditation music in my room at night and focus on meditative breathing before bed. I got in the habit of reciting a mantra to myself in my head in the hardest moments. Mine was "This too shall pass." I started reading novels whenever I could, even while waiting for dinner to be ready. Psychological thrillers were my favorite because they were the most mental escape out of any genre I read. For backstory, my abusive mom moved in with us for the same reason as you - lack of anyone else to take care of her. She also has no money for a memory care facility. We had to wait it out. Last week she had a complete mental break and fell into a violent delirium. I dialed 911. Then we spent 48 hours in the ER until they found a geriatric psych ward with a bed available. I was told that no matter how long it took, don't leave the ER. Eventually, they'd find a psych bed and they did. She's there now in the psych ward for treatment and she hates me for it. The consensus of all the doctors is that even once she's stabilized and the violent outbursts subside, she needs a controlled environment. My home is a danger to her safety. Today she got approved for a great memory care unit. She'll hate me for that too but I am beyond my skill level to care for her. They're going to pay the first 100 days using Medicare (because she has not used any of her Medicare allowance previously and she's had at least 3 overnights in the hospital for treatment). During those 100 days, we'll be in the process of applying for Medicaid - so she's basically in Medicaid pending status @ the facility. The Medicaid payments will kick in retroactively once she's approved. We are spending money on an eldercare attorney to help us prepare the Medicaid application and facilitate interaction with the Medicaid representative to try to assure our chances of getting mom approved. I don't want any missteps as she needs that Medicaid funding for her long term care. It's such a racket, though. The Medicaid application wants to know which facility she's been placed in, but she can't afford to be placed without Medicaid. Total chicken and egg situation. Hospitalization first seems to be the way you get your foot in the door at a facility if you don't have money to pay out of pocket. So again, my advice, self-care for YOU as much as possible to keep you sane until a medical situation requiring your mom's hospitalization comes up. As for her verbal abuse, I hear ya on that too. I had a very short visit with mom today because she was back to her old abusive self and I couldn't handle more than 30 minutes of it. I simply told her I loved her, let her know I'd visit again soon, then I left. Tomorrow I'll take a break and be back to visit the day after. Hopefully she'll have gathered her manners by then. Distance when you have to - remember, your well being is just as important.

Seeing a therapist for yourself really does help!! I have seen a few over many years. They give you a different perspective. They focus on YOU. YOU only live ONCE. You are here to take care of YOU. You don't have to take on the responsibility of taking care of your elderly parent especially if they abused you, They help you get through the guilt. I strongly would suggest it to everybody.

Do not sacrifice your life for anyone unworthy, just because someone is old does not make them worthy or appreciative, some people are no good and we know it, we endure them for various reasons but it always boils down to getting screwed again in some way or ways. If she is incoherent its not like she is being spared the scarey thought of a black man entering her room to clean it or feed her etc, my Grandmother became openly racist ad this was not too popular , it was why she lived in 4 homes her last 4 months after leaving my home, she was truly evil in hindsight , it was just never directed at me until after Pradaxa made her stroke and actually I ws the last family around who cared enough about her to save her from a care home and eating what and when they say and if a fly is in the room tough luck, not like me having to kill it immediately as I make her anything anytime she wanted. You are only looked at like a leach or a parasite by caring for someone today.

Disgusted,

In regards to your reply to me, I have done the same. Many of us have broken the cycle and chose to do differently. Not that mistakes don’t happen. ALL parents make mistakes! Not resolving mistakes damages relationships. It’s not about being perfect. No one can be perfect. Nor should we be expected to be.

We didn’t repeat what was done to us. Somehow because we were hurt we were able to have enormous compassion instead of passing it on.

I’m not judging those who have passed it on though, because it’s learned behavior and perhaps they don’t know anything else and honestly don’t know how to break the cycle. I can only hope that their eyes and heart will be opened one day to see the hurt being passed on and be able to correct it.

To quote what my lovely MIL once said to me after being raised by an abusive mom, “Some people learn what to do from their mothers and others learn what NOT to do from their mothers.” She too was strong and broke the cycle of abuse.

Good for you, disgusted for breaking that nasty cycle and choosing positive parenting for your children. Bravo!

You are a GOOD person to take her in, despite what she did/does to you. Do keep that in mind! Hopefully she will qualify for NH at the next evaluation. Meanwhile, until she does and/or there is a place available, try your best to tune out her negativity. It isn't easy, but with practice it might get better.

Our mother wasn't nearly as bad as that, but no way could I be around her for more than 4 hours, sometimes much less (once she drove me out in less than 10 minutes!) She hasn't really "taken it out on me', but she also doesn't live with me. Thankfully she and my dad had saved money and by taking over her finances to protect what was left, she can afford the nice MC place she is in. We did try bringing in help, but her refusal to let them in required plan B.

Many of us feel it is our "duty" to step in when needed - some people actually try to guilt trip you if you don't! They don't consider ALL the factors involved, such as having lived with abuse, neglect, or our own inability to provide the hands-on care. For myself, just the physical aspect is a gate - I can't support her weight. Then there are other issues like having small bathrooms that cannot be handicapped, full stairs that can't be negotiated to get in/out, etc. Meanwhile, despite having 2 brothers, 99.9% of all other care aspects are on my plate.

Take it one day at a time. Deep breath. Walk away if she starts nonsense while trying to take care of something she needs/wants. Come back and try again, but always be ready to walk out of the room. At the least, you are getting some in-home care and can have time away from her (makes working seem like a vacation sometimes!!) At some point, hopefully soon, she can qualify and find a new "home" to live in.

Daisy 9
How interesting that you spoke of those mothers from "the greatest generation",
Wonder too about them. My own mother was never pleased with me and made fun of me as an overweight teenager. Also found 1/2 sisters, with different mother, but same generation had similar issues. Also a couple of my mother's sisters were pretty mean. Why were they not more loving? So sad. My grandmother, on the other hand, was so kind and loving, but strict! Tried to be better with my children, but sure some of critical comments came from my past. Surely we mother as we were mothered, but can be aware of our behaviors!

Yes it’s very hard. I had to do it for my father although he never lived with me but all the stuff that came with his age and decline, paperwork, packing and moving etc was a new nightmare
However there was only me and it was my responsibility although I hated it. They say the wicked live long and he died at 88 with the last six months in care. I am not ashamed to say that when I was told that he had no more than a year to live there was relieved, even glad. It was finally ending. Find out all you can in regards to help and financial help and palliative care.

I am presently in a situation where I have been a Power of Attorney to someone for about l5 years and have always given my "all" to the couple as I knew them for about half of my life. Both have severe mental issues made worse by Aspergers and Attention Deficit with all the resulting problems. I always went above and beyond in every way after everyone they ever knew had abandoned them when they realized what problems they were developing - except me. The beginning of this year he did something so mean and unethical (how he went about to get what he wanted) and I only found out by accident a couple of months ago. When I found out, I went into shock and based upon professional and legal advice offered him a chance to redeem himself, be honest and open and not do these "evil" unethical acts again. I was ignored each time I tried to open up a dialog. Then he once again demonstrated his total lack of trustworthiness and the extreme low sneakiness and lying and all hell broke loose. He has done things (how he went about it without talking to me his only true friend of many years) that he has literally destroyed me as if I were a piece of used garbage. I finally have severed all ties and no matter if God or the devil came now and begged me to help him, I would run as fast as I could. In his case, I pray he will be punished somehow for the horrible harm he has caused (probably won't happen) and that I can somehow get over this horrible hurt and live the short life I have left in peace. What I am trying to say is this. There are people who do and say horrible things and do bad deeds - and it is simply not justified no matter what the reasons. They may be sick or just evil - does not matter. When they have so badly harmed someone that their life will never be the same, you must cut all ties and no matter what happens, do not waste another second of your life seeking to forgive them (no they are demonic and don't deserve forgiveness - ever) because if you do, it will appear what they did was o.k. to do to you (it was never o.k.). Walk away, never look back - that is your only hope of survival and peace. Keep walking into the dust - forever. I learned that the hard way and have had to do that a few times in life so I could survive. Had I not done this, I would have been buried long ago. Some people are demons, direct descent of the devil - they are monsters.

NeedHelpWithMom,

I believe that you have forgiveness and mercy confused. The thief on the cross asked for mercy. Those who have abused us don't and never will.

Here's what I found when I googled this.

"Forgiveness involves the overcoming of anger and resentment, and mercy involves the withholding of harsh treatment that one has a right to inflict."

Rovana,

I see where you just posted a reply about forgiveness. I need your help please. I agree that it means letting go of resentment.

I get confused about this topic though. Is forgiveness similar to showing mercy? You know, the way Christ showed mercy to the ‘good thief.’ So do we ever forgive with the other person in mind or in our hearts? Not for terrible abuse but say for a lesser offense.

Am I getting forgiveness and mercy mixed up? Also, should we consider why the person hurt us? Hurting people often hurt others. Of course it doesn’t excuse any abuse but what if they were abused themselves and haven’t learned the skills to overcome? Do we then forgive with them in mind?

Guess what I am asking is do we ever for forgive someone who is truly sorry for them and not only ourselves, but both people?

Would appreciate anyone’s input on this, please. I would never wish to be more compassionate to abusers than victims. I am simply trying to look at it objectively. Thanks for responses.

My dear soul, why on earth do you feel obligated or guilty to take care of this woman with her past as it relates to you and the impact she is having on you now. There is nothing that is going on that could possibly justify having you tend to her. She frankly does not deserve this after the impact she has had on people's lives. As to the finances, I understand many people can't afford nursing homes but believe me, there is help available but one has to search it out in their particular state. Start with the doctor and ask questions, contact the local Office on Aging, also your state representative and senator - all of them can guide you in the right direction. She might be eligible for Medicaid. YOU should not pay for this - that is her problem and there are agencies that will place her and cover the costs. Please start doing something about this at once. You have a son to tend to and also to take care of yourself. You DO NOT OWE THIS WOMAN ANYTHING - you have more than done that. Now take care of you and your family.

I can completely relate. I am caring for a woman who abused me emotionally my entire life. There was a time there when I thought I was going to go crazy. The anger and anxiety was bouncing around inside me so badly I couldn't think straight. When the Sundowners started I thought for sure I'd have to put her in an Assisted Living home but, sadly, it was financially not an option yet. So there we were. A mean old lady and the daughter she despised. I found myself thinking some pretty dark things.

I started trauma therapy a month ago. In my case, EMDR has really helped me clear away the abuse. Its literally like cleaning an attic. It hasn't changed her, nothing will do that, but it has changed the gut level reaction I was having to her. She is approaching the stage when she needs changing and help dressing and getting around. I find it so much less repugnant now that my emotional buttons are not as hot. And when/if the time comes for her to move to AL, I don't believe I will feel guilty.

I know it can be costly and time is hard to find but I highly recommend finding therapy and taking this opportunity to confront your mother's abuse. You don't want to carry that garbage around for the rest of your life and it may make your situation a little less upsetting.

McMcknMcMcknzeMcMcknMcMcknze,my heart goes out to you. I was the caregiver for a lifelong cruel narcissistic mother until she passed away. I am reading a lot of posts here that speak of forgiveness. Unfortunately I shall never forgive her. The damage done by these mothers is permanent, and if you are really lucky many years of therapy will recover the you that was born to be. And with your child involved, it is worse. I hope some way of separating from her is found. I know it's a difficult process state by state. In the meantime please know everyone at this site is rooting for you and your child to not let her drag you down anymore. You sound like a kind lady....maybe too kind. I send you many hugs.

Good morning Mackenzie.
You are on a really tough journey. A therapist I know once said brain illnesses and injuries make a person's personality louder. It sounds like dementia has made your mother's personality really loud. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Listening to your words, it's clear that you are a very loving and compassionate person. You think about how a person's actions impact others, a quality that many people have forgotten. When I read your words, I heard the need to ask yourself the question, "what do I want and need from this care relationship?"

I know it's an odd and difficult question. However, it's the one that will allow you to include yourself in this journey. Right now, your mother's care needs are like that playground teeter-totter bully who holds you up in the air and won't let you down no matter what you do. Deciding what you want, lets you define how you're going to get it.

You have a lot of compassion. Never lose that: never stop giving to others. But it's important that you give yourself what you give to others. As women, we often forget to do that. You've been tasked with giving a lot of care to other people. So you've got to replenish yourself in order to keep giving. Answering the question, "what do I want and from this care relationship?" will help you find the resources to remain full so that you can keep giving.

Pick up a small journal asap and start writing what you want from the care relationship. I know that sounds silly and time consuming considering everything you have to do. But doing so will create the road map to take you where you want to go and not be swept away with where your mother's needs are taking you.

Other posts have suggested that you put your mother into a facility. That's a very difficult and personal decision where no single answer fits all. If it comes to that, knowing what you want will help you make the decision in a way that doesn't create regret rocks in your life backpack. No matter how well meaning a suggestion is, you are the only person who will be held accountable for the impact of your actions. Be compassionate with yourself as you make the really difficult decisions you have to make so you will know that you did the best you could do with the options you had in the moment.

The availability of social services vary wildly from state to state. Once you know what you want, you can start looking around for not for profit agencies as well as state agencies to help you get what you need to get it. I that your journey feels out of control right now. Just know that defining what you want will help put life back in your control. Remember that in life the only things that are controllable are your actions. Use your compassion to guide the actions that feel best for you regardless of how others receive them.

Your story is the perfect example of how a prior experiences are at the root of caregiver burnout. It's not something that's often discussed but your post and the responses highlight how it's more common than is acknowledged. Thank you for sharing. I'm going to end with issuing you a challenge: that you find the resources you need for you in order to remain the loving, compassionate person you are.

Get well, stay well!

When my narcissistic, abusive mother was 82 and appeared to be declining, I moved back to be near her and take care of her (I'd lived 800 miles away for 20 years, which was the only way I could stay sane). My therapist at the time was dumbfounded. "Why would you move back to her when she's made you suffer so much?" he asked. "Because it's the right thing to do," I said. I figured she was on the downward path and that the least I could do as her only living relative and only child was to spend whatever brief time she had left helping her. She is now 92 and as toxic as ever, and again I moved, this time 1,200 miles away. I call her every day and visit her frequently, and our relationship is about the best it's ever been. At least she is no longer keeping track of my comings and goings and demanding that I keep my phone on all night in case she needs me to take her to the ER, among other boundary-disregarding behaviours. I have decided that I cannot allow my life to grind to a halt to serve her. She has paid help whenever she needs it, and though I still feel some guilt, at least I'm sane.

I applaud you for doing what you think is right, but your son's needs come before your mother's, and you must take care of your own mental health and emotional well-being in order to be truly present for your son. It's unfortunate that abusive parents often put us in the position of choosing between them and our own children, but it's all too common. Hugs to you---I wish you well.

Yoda,

Very insightful response. Thanks for pointing this out. It’s terribly hard for her to emotionally be there.

Our minds tend to wonder at times and sometimes a person will come along and see something that we miss. Something that may even be obvious but isn’t to everyone.

I have always said that eye witnesses aren’t a ‘given’ because if there is an accident and 10 people are present it is possible to hear 10 different stories of the incident. Know what I mean?

I think you have seen truthfully what lies beneath the surface. Many try to be a caregiver when they shouldn’t because they feel guilt. Usually doesn’t work.

They may not even have a valid reason to be guilty of anything but their moms have made them feel that way their entire lives.

I would have her evaluated by a hospice agency to see if she qualifies for that very valuable Medicare benefit.  She would have a healthcare team that includes an RN care manager, bath aid, social worker, and chaplain to help support you both!

MackenzieSW, I'm so sorry, your story sounds like it resonates with so many readers here. It took me many years after my moms death (and quite a bit of therapy) to forgive her and understand that she was only doing what she could under her circumstances, based on what she was taught was "normal" behavior from her parents and how they treated her, At some point, hopefully, the chain will be broken. I'd never say it was ok for her to treat me and my sibs so horribly, but having an understanding makes it easier on me, and at some point, it has to be all about me, as it should be all about you too! There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to whether we should provide care to our abusive parents, there are lots of things to consider. Lots! Please ,please watch this video created for adult children of abusers, just like you, who are facing having to be their carers. It might help you. You are already in the thick of it, but there's still ways you can protect yourself. I hope you find some peace.
http://bit.ly/2MV1fkk

I ended up caring for my mother with Alzheimer's for 8 years. The last three of which she shadowed me. I found that the narcissistic woman that beat me and scared me ended up afraid whenever she wasn't around me and completely in love with me. I cannot tell you what a difficult journey, but as she was dieing she held my hand to her lips kissing it while tears ran down her face. In the end I was healed. The cost was tremendous physically, emotional and financially. All I can believe is that God saw and He'll bless me because I certainly honored my parents (took care of both of them). Know when she's combative and agitated it's part of the disease, believe when she's nice that's who she wanted to be when you were younger but didn't know how. I know with my mother it was generational. Do as much as you can, get as much help as you can... And believe there will come a day you will be blessed. You obviously have a good heart.

Daisy, since so often, but not always hurt people often hurt people unless they deal with their own pain.

Does anyone know why there are so many abusive mothers in the "greatest generation" era, especially mothers of girls? Shortly before my mother died she asked me if she had "mistreated" me. I said "No" so she could die in peace. Reading all the answers above brought up so many similar thoughts and questions of my upbringing. I never understood what my mother hoped to accomplish by telling my only sibling and me different stories and pitting us against each other, then saying "When I'm gone, you won't have anyone but each other". What did she accomplish with the abuse and negativity toward me? I was never good enough, and at 66 yo I still cannot convince myself that I am sufficient.

I know this is not an answer to the OP, but others have provided answers and suggestions that any additional comment is not necessary.

Yes , I had experienced raised by abusive mother (mommy dearest) emotionally and physically.
After many years of on and off therapy and meditation, I was the only one in my family (of two younger brothers) I took her to live with me for 5 years. Last 2 1/2 she was in asst living, but I still was the only and primary caregiver. as my mother was declining I saw her as a human in need of help.
She had progressive dementia, osteoarthritis, neuropathy.
It was very hard to separate my early experiences with her and with her need of help , she died at 93 1/2 peacefully I decided the past is the past, even if it leaves scars..
I’m at peace and absolutely have no regrets.
I hope you find your peace with your mom or without her.
best you you.

So sorry that you're in this predicament. You'll probably have to amend it. Prayers sent to you and good luck.

Since her condition has gone down hill, is there anyway to get the evaluation done earlier rather than waiting until the end of the year? In caregiving terms, that is a LONG time from now.

I think you already had your hands full and you and your child don't need this extra stress. You've done a lot for her and helped her in her time of need. Now, get the eval done and get her moved into a home.

Keep using home health aides as much as possible until you can get her placed where they can take care of her 24/7, something that really can not be done at home without a lot of paid help.

She may not like moving and may decline, but you have to give some priority to you and your child also.

OM stars...we are soul singers... no more abuse...if this gets too much please commit her you do not have to take anymore...miraculously I experienced a supernatural forgiveness for my abusive, narcissistic alcoholic Mom after her ALZ diagnosis & my brothers death. Set your limits/boundaries! Get all the help/legal advice you can find & please try & practice self care daily. I didn't for 5 years & am exhausted...learn from me please...10 minute walk & stretch around the block will do wonders relieving that constant 24/7 stress...Mom passed away June 14th ..my deepest childhood wounds & memories are healing everyday now..😍....yours will too.
Lots of great experiential advice on this site...you are going to find your pathway through this.

If this woman abused you, YOU OWE HER NOTHING. She made her bed. Let her lie in it. Go on with your life and don't look back. Think of yourself and your future. You have no obligation to this woman - never, ever. Move on - now. I will pray you have the strength before she destroys you and you don't deserve that. Let someone else tend to her - it is NOT your job.

Whoops, wrong post.

Given that she has declined, you might also talk with her doctor about facility care. If she happens to need hospitalization, that would be an excellent time to talk about it because much easier to go from hosp to facility.

This has to be hard for you, but kudos for trying.

Make a list of things you need caretaker to handle for her. Be very clear with them that even if she says not to do it, do it. If they have l left chores for you, do not do them and tell her (if she understands) that she should not have told them not to take care of the task - it will have to wait until tomorrow.

It must be common that some of the mean ones get nice with the dementia and those who were nice get a mean streak - have seen it happen. Have also seen the mean ones get even meaner. Take advantage of the good days so you will have some better memories.