When I visit mom she is so cold and mean. Just to me. I get anxiety just going there. During the summer I was able to visit several times a week. Now it’s the weekend. If I go during the week I get there during her dinner. Then she wants to watch tv downstairs shortly after. I disrupt her routine. Even went with my daughter who she hasn’t seen in months. She really could care less. Refused to look or talk to me. I’m there more than any other of the residents family. We were so close now everything is awkward and forced. Doesn’t want to talk about anything. How do I rise above her coldness and keep visiting.
Maybe some visits can be just to check on her, observe without making your presence known - at least you can see how she is doing and if she is participating with others, etc.
Perhaps going at dinnertime/tv time is disrupting her "routine." Have you tried going at different times of the day? For some, later in the day might bring on some sun-downing, which might affect her demeanor. Can you go in the morning and see if she behaves differently?
Although I agree it's important for the facility to see you there, I don't believe you have to endure her being cold and mean to the point where it's affecting you. You are human and you have feelings. Protect yourself.
Personally, I don't think I could be like Dave. If my mother were to continually treat me with a cold shoulder, or open hostility, I'd stop visiting but for once in a while. I like Catnk9's answer myself, even though I'm in the minority here.
I fully realize that dementia is a disease and their brain is 'broken' and all that. At the same time, however, I realize that I am human, my brain is NOT broken, but my heart CAN be, quite easily. I need to figure out how to protect MYSELF while seeing to the needs of my demented mother who lives in MC and treats me quite badly also. Is it due to her dementia or her snake-in-the-grass personality? A little of both, methinks.
But no matter the reason, it's important that WE care givers TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES in this process as well. OUR lives matter just as much as our loved ones with dementia.
Stay away if you need a break. You don’t have to stay a long time if the visit is particularly hard on you. Go back when you feel up to it.
Know that you are doing all that you can.
Take care.
I know that telling you not to visit seems unreasonable considering that she is your mother. And, it’s hard to accept that your mother as you knew and remember her is fading away. Hang on to those memories and don’t torture yourself by visiting more than a few times a month just to make sure everything is going ok at the facility.
Since that loving woman is gone, can you be comfortable with at least for the time being, visiting less, in shorter visits, telling her you love her (she may comment harshly in response to affection), offering a few comments of family gossip, and leaving with a cheerful, noncommittal “goodby”?
There is no logic to the choosing of a target. My grandmother turned her fury to my father, her dearly loved son in law. As the disease process progressed, the hostility dissipated and ultimately disappeared.
Don’t worry about “forced”. If you are approaching her with a peaceful sense of low expectations, it won’t be quite as bad as it was the first time you noticed the change in her demeanor.
Unfortunately, many of us understand. Courage and peace to you.
A few weeks later, he received a Coast Guard Medal for rescuing these people.
A let the cartakers know a little about his life and a world of difference he made. And he was able to say yeah.. ya... :)
HIs boss didn't know that incident happend until a few weeks later. He didn't think it was a big deal.
Big hugs to your brother, The Tug Boat Captain HERO!
You've also figured out how to "go with the flow." If she's receptive, great, have a nice visit. If not, oh well, do what needs to be done and move on. Demeanor and behavior can change so much, minute to minute sometimes, but usually longer periods can prevail. You just have to get used to it all and know how she is "feeling" at the moment. Sometimes it can just be some sun-downing (generally later in the day, but it can happen at other times too.)