How to deal with cold and awkward visits?

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How to deal with cold and awkward visits?

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When I visit mom she is so cold and mean. Just to me. I get anxiety just going there. During the summer I was able to visit several times a week. Now it’s the weekend. If I go during the week I get there during her dinner. Then she wants to watch tv downstairs shortly after. I disrupt her routine. Even went with my daughter who she hasn’t seen in months. She really could care less. Refused to look or talk to me. I’m there more than any other of the residents family. We were so close now everything is awkward and forced. Doesn’t want to talk about anything. How do I rise above her coldness and keep visiting.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Anxiety Skilled Nursing Facility

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Honestly? If your mother treats you like this each time you visit, why would you continue to go? Sometimes, people with dementia decide in their broken brains to punish a certain person for something that never happened. It might be a family member, a staff member or a complete stranger.

I know that telling you not to visit seems unreasonable considering that she is your mother. And, it’s hard to accept that your mother as you knew and remember her is fading away. Hang on to those memories and don’t torture yourself by visiting more than a few times a month just to make sure everything is going ok at the facility.

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If your mom has been diagnosed with dementia, it is part of her tragedy, and yours, that she is no longer who she was, and there are no explanations that can be determined by logic of why she has become who she is, right now, in her damaged present.

Since that loving woman is gone, can you be comfortable with at least for the time being, visiting less, in shorter visits, telling her you love her (she may comment harshly in response to affection), offering a few comments of family gossip, and leaving with a cheerful, noncommittal “goodby”?

There is no logic to the choosing of a target. My grandmother turned her fury to my father, her dearly loved son in law. As the disease process progressed, the hostility dissipated and ultimately disappeared.

Don’t worry about “forced”. If you are approaching her with a peaceful sense of low expectations, it won’t be quite as bad as it was the first time you noticed the change in her demeanor.

Unfortunately, many of us understand. Courage and peace to you.

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You’ll have to practically chant to yourself under your breathe “it’s not her, it’s the disease” and try to distance your emotions hard as that is. Continue to visit, it’s important that the facility see the resident has family that cares and has eyes on the place, but keep your visits brief for your own mental health

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Absolutely keep going - it is hard, but try not to take it personally. Dementia affects many people in different ways and the effect can change without notice!

Maybe some visits can be just to check on her, observe without making your presence known - at least you can see how she is doing and if she is participating with others, etc.

Perhaps going at dinnertime/tv time is disrupting her "routine." Have you tried going at different times of the day? For some, later in the day might bring on some sun-downing, which might affect her demeanor. Can you go in the morning and see if she behaves differently?

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Val, my heart goes out to you ❤️. After 5 years of being sole caregiver to my mom, with 2 sibs who never communicated with me (actually told me not to contact), I gave them notice, and moved out of mom’s house to another state. Now they’ve been forced to take over. I flew back twice in 6 months. Sibs were so awful to me (I tried /had to stay there), mom was max stressed out. I’ll not go back. Save that airfare for emergencies (my own)! Take care of your heart, take all of the responses here that may help you.

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Hi Val622, you didn't say whether your mom suffers from dementia, or is this something else? If she doesn't, then I'd talk to her, since you were close before, and let her know how your are feeling, that you look forward to the visits but that she seems disinterested and that it makes you sad because you love her. See what she says. Ask her if she wants you to visit, and under what circumstances. Maybe she is just getting quiet as part of her aging process. Is she still able to do any activities? Maybe you could visit but work on a "quiet" activity, like working on a quilt or knitting something together, or doing crafts or puzzles. Or maybe she would like you to read to her. Take her cues. Some people get mad and cause an argument during the visit because they know you are going to leave, so they are protecting themselves from being hurt when you go. It sounds like you were close, so it's worth the effort to get to the bottom of this. Good luck

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Hi. She has Middle stage AD. She isn’t always like this. I usually bring her to my house either Saturday or a Sunday. I have talked to the doctor. One minute she’s mean then she usually becomes nice. Or when I leave she might call me crying saying she’s sorry. I also believe she angry because I had to take her from her home and put her in the AL. She does love it there but also misses her old life. Talked to her today and she was her old self. I will never stop visiting. Just something I have to get used to now. Thanks.

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Don't ditch mom, you are close, she just does not want you to see her vulnerable and dependent. When you leave, it may make her feel sad and bad, and she doesn't want you to see that.

She just may be scared. Talk with her and her doctor..

She refused to look at you. She is scared and frightened. Let her know you are there for her. You love her, and take her out if you can. Dance with her

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When my brother, was put in a facility, no body knew he had family. His wife put him in there, and I guess you are not allowed to visit? Anyway, I found him, then I put up a newspaper article from San Francisco.. He was a Tug Boat Captain, and he saved 6 people one night. Their boat capsized in a busy shipping lane. My Brother The Tug Boat Captain, heard it on his radio, he was there, so he ordered that lane to shut down. He found the people and rescued them. Once Coast Guard was able to transport them onto their boat, he went back to work as normal.
A few weeks later, he received a Coast Guard Medal for rescuing these people.
A let the cartakers know a little about his life and a world of difference he made. And he was able to say yeah.. ya... :)
HIs boss didn't know that incident happend until a few weeks later. He didn't think it was a big deal.

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So glad you were able to locate him! How nice to put up the article too! Often we know nothing about other residents. When they were still able, I did chat with others (mom was/is very hard of hearing, so it was nice to be able to have conversations with others!) I learned a little bit about many of the residents. One had been an author of children's books! Another had been a judge. So many interesting things you can learn by interfacing with others while they are still able!

Big hugs to your brother, The Tug Boat Captain HERO!

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Perhaps visit less often, for less time and differently than you do now. Rather than going later in the day and interrupting dinner and a movie, get there early in the morning with some breakfast treats you know she likes. Have a quick breakfast with her in her room, and then leave and let her go about her day. When something isn't working, change it.

Although I agree it's important for the facility to see you there, I don't believe you have to endure her being cold and mean to the point where it's affecting you. You are human and you have feelings. Protect yourself.

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Visit daily and make it a habit. People with Alzheimer's depend on routine. I been dealing with my mom's Alzheimer's for 10 years and anything outside of her routine will upset her. So your visits are not part of your mom's routine. The solution is simple: Make your visits routine --*daily*-- and at the same time becoming a part of her routine. A few times a week or less why she is like that--you disrupted her routine.

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She definitely is better when i visit more. I’m a teacher so summers I’m more available. Now I can’t. Really just weekends. If I go during the week I won’t get there until her dinner time. And the. She has a routine of watching tv with the other residents downstairs. Plus she for some reason is petrified for me to drive in the dark.

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That is the spirit Val. Never Stop visiting Your Mom, and always give Her a Hug and tell Your Mom You Love Her. Of coarse Your Mom misses Her old Life, Her Home but You have done so well and You know She is safer and well Cared
for in AL. If the truth were to be told, We would probably be exactly the same if We were in Your Moms situation.

Blessings to You Val, and Your beautiful Mom.

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Your mother has a broken brain and cannot help her actions.

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Maybe so, but that doesn't mean the OP should continue torturing herself by frequent visits to a mother who has no interest in visiting with her. There are limits to how much any human can and should tolerate, imo.

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She is going to be most comfortable with her routines. Her memories are fading from most recent first to the oldest. You may remind her of somebody she had difficulties with in the past. Do not take it personally. Continue to be kind, loving and there. Try to fit into her routines. Side note, memories of music tend to stick. Play music she used to love or ask her to sing along with you to music.

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I am dealing with something similar. I live in Florida, every fall I rent a home on the ocean in Maine! My son and his family come and we celebrate my grandsons birthday.. Mother has always enjoyed it and had fun.. We do the playhouse, the boys do charters, just great fun..LOBSTERS..
Last year we all had a good time while in Maine, however, as soon as we got back to her home. Everything changed. My son returned to Florida, it was just my 64yr old brother who lives with her and myself! She became a brat, wanted me to leave! Thanksgiving was coming, the rest of the family who live up there, always go to my brothers ski house to celebrate.. My brother's friends were also having a surprise retirement party Friday night for him.. of which I was invited!!! She was so nasty, saying terrible horrible things... unbelievable.. I really won't go into all of it... but the nastiness went on for days!! I had an appt at the MGH on that Tues with a surgeon after having tests.. she knew.. she did not want me staying! She is 87 yrs old.
MY brother finally said I will drive back with you, we did a 26hr...no hotel.. I bought him a plan ticket.. he flew back after seeing my kids. My mother finally called me one week before Christmas... she and my brother were together Christmas shopping for sizes for the Grand and greatgrandchilden. ..she knows what she did, just doesn't care. It's about her and my brother.. A friend even brought a book for me when I arrived.. His wife came by and asked her, did you give Suzanne the book .. she said Brian gave that book to me! He bought another book, put it between the doors with a posting paper stuck on the cover.. FOR me.. she took it unlocked to door and took it right into her bedroom.. But the things she said.. terrible.. her dirty looks... if she could have thrown me out the door.. !
If I could of left I would have, you see, I have had a double bypass.. and suffer with COPD.. Everything is an effort for me.. she only cares about herself.. heartbreaking.

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You should have insisted on going to a local motel and made sure her friends knew it but, first we would have a face to face explanation of the problem. Ask her if the visit has been too much on her. My dad would say "Two things stink after three days; fish and company." Could have been something you said, didn't say or maybe she was just plain ole worn out.

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All of the visits with my mom are different. Some times she is having a moment of clarity and wants me to sit and visit with her...other times she treats me like the hired help and literally leaves me in her AL apartment to clean, put away the laundry I have washed for her, etc. I play it by ear. Some times I just do what I need to do for her and leave. From what you have said, your timing is not the best. LOL I have found that my mom does not like her routine disrupted. Can you time your visit so that you are there before dinner or later in the evening after she has eaten. Keep in mind your mother is not mentally who she used to be and may not be able to carry on a decent conversation. Maybe you can just sit with her while her show is on. I show my mom pictures of her great grandson on my phone and we have a TV show on that she wants to watch. That is about as deep as it gets. I don't want to frustrate her or confuse her with the details current events, my life or job..she doesn't understand...can't keep it straight and truthfully she wont even remember my visit. It really hurts in the beginning to realize that your mom is no longer there. She still needs your care and she still needs your visits, but she can't offer you what she once did. it has taken me almost 8 years to get to this point of acceptance and trust me there are days when it really hurts but for the most part I have accepted it. I'm sorry...I know this is hurting you. This disease is harder on the family. It really is a long goodbye.

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Acceptance - kind of the key. Don't take anything said or done personally - if mom was the light of your life before but isn't now, understand that is NOT a reflection on you or anything you have done. Oftentimes they are not even aware of what they say or do.

You've also figured out how to "go with the flow." If she's receptive, great, have a nice visit. If not, oh well, do what needs to be done and move on. Demeanor and behavior can change so much, minute to minute sometimes, but usually longer periods can prevail. You just have to get used to it all and know how she is "feeling" at the moment. Sometimes it can just be some sun-downing (generally later in the day, but it can happen at other times too.)

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The only thing I can think of is to stop visiting so much. Maybe her behavior is on purpose to make you feel guilty about putting her there.

If your visits are not so frequent maybe she will begin to miss them and she might change her reaction to the visits.

Maybe after you change how often you visit she might miss them and begin talking again. It's worth a try anyway.

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Does you mother have dementia? That could be the reason she is acting like that.

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Rise above it? Stop hurting yourself so much and give that energy to your children and friends. Inform the staff to let her use the phone and for her to call when she would like a visit from you. Honor her by not telling everyone what a self absorbed woman she is and get on with making sure, double/triple sure your children know how much you love them and want to spend quality time with THEM. Some people are born mean, selfish and hurtful, others have heath problems (not that DNA have a lot to do with everything you are) like a stroke that changes brain functioning and can cause a gentle, church going person to become physically vicious, violent and use vulgar language. (edited to add) Pain is also a condition that can become so unbearable that being knocked out with medication is the only way for relief. True caregivers and loved ones will understand. You don't owe anyone anything but, you owe it to yourself to make your life rich with love and peacefulness. Changing yourself Val, is the only port in this storm, save yourself and read about children raised with tyranny

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Awesome answer for this problem!!

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I work at a Memory Care community as a receptionist. Dave comes every single day to visit his wife who is a resident with Alzheimers/dementia. She is mean as a snake to him. Calls him all sorts of horrible names and he can do nothing right, in her eyes. He's stupid, he's an idiot, everything he says is wrong, yada yada. She treats him like this in front of other people, too, which is how I can tell you this story. I witness it all the time. Yet Dave smiles and puts his arm around her, and she throws it off, and he puts it back, etc. He keeps coming, and she keeps sniping. He takes her for walks and on drives and out for ice cream. Sometimes he stays for 2 hours and other times he stays for 15 minutes, depending on the severity of her Bad Mood towards him. He fell and broke his hand and required stitches over his eye last week. So he had a friend drive him over to see his wife in MC.

Personally, I don't think I could be like Dave. If my mother were to continually treat me with a cold shoulder, or open hostility, I'd stop visiting but for once in a while. I like Catnk9's answer myself, even though I'm in the minority here.

I fully realize that dementia is a disease and their brain is 'broken' and all that. At the same time, however, I realize that I am human, my brain is NOT broken, but my heart CAN be, quite easily. I need to figure out how to protect MYSELF while seeing to the needs of my demented mother who lives in MC and treats me quite badly also. Is it due to her dementia or her snake-in-the-grass personality? A little of both, methinks.

But no matter the reason, it's important that WE care givers TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES in this process as well. OUR lives matter just as much as our loved ones with dementia.

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Powerful post and so important that caretakers take care of themselves, sometimes this is a missing link in our relationships with LO's.

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Hi Val622. Thats odd, & sorry you're treated that way. I might guess that she has a wrong belief about u: (did another family member 'talk smack' about u?) Or cud she have dimentia? My sister 'talked smack' about me to mother. Did u feel like asking mom about the 'cold shoulder' behavior? (Maybe better if another person asked on ur behalf instead)?
It was helpful for me to take mother down to the community room at her ALF, cuz she behaved better in front of others. Otherwise, pray about it friend, cuz God loves you, (& certainly He knows what's going on with her.) And send love 2ur mom in your prayers, cuz that helps immensely. Be sure to send love for at least 5 full minutes tho (cuz if it's half-ass, it won't help you much).
Send me a PM if u need more talk time💟

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Thank you, Tiger55.

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How awful for you. I don't care why she is doing this, she is doing something that is unacceptable and causing you great harm and grief. Why, why, why are you allowing another human to do this to you. If she is behaving this way, for heaven's sake - STOP GOING TO VISIT HER. Do you deserve this cruelty? I doubt it. She is sick, she is selfish and she is mean and shallow. Leave sleeping dogs lie. Go and take care of yourself and look to things that make you happy. But please, DO NOT BE A FOOL BY VISITING HER. She is not worth it - maybe once it was different but that time is gone and this is now. Don't visit her.

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She was a wonderful loving mother. This is the dementia. She also lost her husband and son last year. She’s been through a lot. Our last visit was a good one. But thank you for your thoughts.

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I understand what you are saying- but it is the right thing to do to show your love. She may just be sad you other responsibilities/job/kids prevent you from
visiting more frequently. Hang in there and know your kindness and love is felt by her even if she is not able to tell you in her own words.

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I’m so sorry that your mom treats you this way. It hurts even if she can’t help it.

Stay away if you need a break. You don’t have to stay a long time if the visit is particularly hard on you. Go back when you feel up to it.

Know that you are doing all that you can.

Take care.

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Perhaps your continued devotion aggravates her in someway? Back off and give yourself a break. Focus instead on monitoring her supplies and coordinating her care.

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You can't Rise above her Coldness but Rise to the Occasion of just Being An Angel and Visiting her, Even if One day on the weekend.
People who are Old such as Mommy Dearest,Get a Sour ball and All because they Feel you Put them There in this Chair.

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How do YOU know how this woman who SUFFERS FROM DEMENTIA feels about her daughter, and that her attitude is because she "Feels you Put them There in this Chair" as if a rhyme makes the caustic words okay? It doesn't. It is still a crappy comment.

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Please explain something - she treats you horribly so why on earth do you waste your time visiting. Please do not be a fool - this is harming you and hurting you and I see no reason you deserve that or put up with it. It is insane. Maybe there was a time when she was nice - remember those times and be glad if there were such times. But now she is NOT who she was - she does not deserve you or the visits. Do not waste your time with people like this - you will not fix the problem but you will end up having emotional heartbreak and other issues if you continue to go. Don't do it. Sometimes in life, to save our hearts and souls, we must walk away - this is such a time. You should not feel guilt - think of yourself first now.

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Heartbreak, yes. Don't feel guilt, yes. But to tell someone to just write off a LO is heartless. HEARTLESS. I do wish you would go find something else to do with your time. This is her mother. She cares about her mother and wants to have some advice on how to deal with/work around the issues. Telling her to dump her mother and run is NOT the answer.

Once again, you know very little about dementia or how to deal with it. Just stop.

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Old people get very devoted to their routines. My mother (at an earlier stage of deterioration) wouldn’t go out on Wednesdays because it was ‘her day to buy the bread’. Your weekday visits are messing up dinner and TV. Perhaps best to pick a different time on the weekend, and leave it at that.

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Must you rise above it? Cut drastically down on the visits. If she doesn’t appear to notice, then you’ve been wasting your time all along. If she does seem to notice, well, then you can decide if you want to up the frequency again, but with the full, unhappy knowledge that she’s going to keep right on doing her “ cold, awkward” performance. There’s no win here, until, well, you-know-what occurs.

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”Waste of time” really? Visits with my mom are as important too and as much for me as anyone else, probably more for me even. I don’t do it out of guilt, responsibility or for appearance I do it because i love her and even difficult visits and times feed my soul with at least the attempt and the contact. I certainly have experienced exasperation and frustration with her but I doubt that once Mom is gone I will ever regret a single trip I made to see her or think any of my time with her was a waste.

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Your Mom has a desease there is no cure from. On the whole my Mom was pretty good. She had her paranoid moments and I was the bad child. Yes, it hurt but her brain was dying. Reality, her dreams and TV were one and the same. There is no rhyme or reason to Dementia. The person is as confused as ur. They get like small children. I never visited in the morning. The aides get them up, dressed and down for breakfast. Then med passes. Maybe baths. Before you know it, lunch, gathering everyone up. After lunch some residents go down for naps. I ended up choosing an half hour before dinner. I was told they left Mom in the common area, which u could see the dining area from, while they sat everyone else because Mom wouldn't sit unless food was in front of her. So I sat with her and when the food was put on the table, I took her in to sit down. Gave her a kiss on the cheek and left.

You are right, you interrupted her routine. Which is important to a Dementia patient. Does she enjoy her visit to ur house on the weekend? If not, I would not bring her anymore. You are taking her out of what is familiar. Once Mom was in the AL I only took her to doctor appts and those I cut down once she was stable.

Realize that her brain is dying little by little. She has lost her empathy. Like I said, they become like Toddlers. Its me, me, me. Its not she doesn't care, she is not able to care. I think my Mom thought I was her mother. Who she was glad to see because she had become a child. Your Mom is not doing this on purpose. Its the desease.

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A very nice reply JoAnn29, so accurate. Dementia / Alzheimers is a cruel disease of the Brain, other wise known as the silent killer as it robs the Sufferer of their balance, Independance, quality of Life and in the end organ failure leading to death.

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Maybe when you choose to visit, have a plan for something 'indulgent' afterwards? For example the other night I propped myself up in bed and watched an episode of Star Trek on my laptop. At first I thought, " This is ridiculous", but then realized what fun I was having.

It can be anything. When my dad got sick I started reading sci-fi books a bit at a time before bed. Yesterday I put a purple streak in my hair - of course at work I can get away with this! For me I haven't been able to beat the sadness, but deliberately tacking on funnish stuff, especially on mom days, does help keep my mood balance from crashing all one way ( the wrong way!)

Big hug!

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Pray for her if you wish. Stop visiting

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