How to transport a family member who is somewhat incontinent?

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How to transport a family member who is somewhat incontinent?

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I may need to transport my wife, who is somewhat incontinent. I don't see how I can enter a public bathroom with her to assist her. I tentatively thought I might fly her out with me to our new destination, once I have completed the physical move, placing her in a nursing home in the interim. But she will need to use the restroom on the plane, and I will have to assist her there. Do airlines make provision for this? If I drive cross-country with her, I will face the public bathroom issue, where my presence will not be tolerated in a lady's bathroom, and her presence will not be acceptable in a men's bathroom.

Incontinence Spouse Travel

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You have asked a very difficult question to answer given all of the barriers that you have listed. I have seen people respond to similar questions with a specific organization that transports people, but I don't remember who they are.

Also, transporting someone with alzheimer's / dementia would be a challenge, I would think.

Someone who knows how the answer this question should find it and I hope for your sake, soon.

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It is a tough situation. I encountered it in small doses, when I had to transport my LO, who was incontinent for shorter trips. Later, when Memory Care staff transported her, they would take her into bathroom to change her when necessary. It's a HUGE challenge. I've seen huge mishaps that would be difficult to handle with only one person. Large messes that require lots of supplies and time to take care of. Even if you go to places that have family restrooms, it's a lot to clean up wet and messy mishaps. Plus, there's the clothes, seats, shoes, floors, that often get messed up as well.

I would consider taking a third person to help assist. Perhaps a female who is trained. I'd also consider the big picture and not just the bathroom issue. Going on this trip could trigger behavior that you are not expecting. With dementia she may be frightened, confused, agitated and even act out in ways that are scary. Especially in closed in spaces with lots of strangers.

I realize that private travel by plane or travel trailer is expensive, but, if funds I allow, I'd explore it. Perhaps, someone around here, who's done it will chime in.

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It's tough on a plane. Especially on a domestic flight where the restroom is very small. On wide bodies, there will at least be one restroom that is fairly large.

As for driving, where I live there are family restrooms pretty much everywhere. These are large single use restrooms for people who need help in the restroom.

Hey! There's a website for that.

findfamilyrestroom.com/

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actually a public place that does not provide a family/unisex bathroom violates American Disabilities Act for such reasons as you described. File a complaint against the stores.

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Would a train trip be possible? Very enjoyable; there are wide aisles, plus a large restroom. Reasonable prices too. You can sit at a table if that is easier. The station can be noisy outside so I’d even suggest headphones with music for your wife. Best wishes to you

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You do not say in what way she is incontinent...bladder or bowels. If bladder, she could be catherterized with a leg bag. If it’s bowels, then that’s a different issue. It sounds like you are moving to a new home, is that what I’m reading? This is not a vacation right? If you could have a trained aid with you to assist and then fly them back that might help. Airplanes are so small I don’t see how you can assist an adult inside of one. But I’m sure the flight attendants have dealt with this before. If your wife is docile and not combative in behavior, then it might work. Select seats near the toilet facilities. You might check with your local Alzheimer chapter and see if there is someone there to talk this over with.

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I should call the airline you plan to use and ask them what special arrangements can be made. You won't be their first pair of passengers who need assistance. I doubt if they'll even think you're much of a challenge.

On the ground, you and your wife can use any facility for people with disabilities, which as far as I am aware are all unisex and have a lot more room for manoeuvre.

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In an airplane restroom, there is not even room for one person to maneuver around - let alone two persons. I like the idea someone else suggested of the train. Not all highway service plazas have family restrooms. Service plazas are only required to have a wheelchair-accessible stall in each gender restroom, not a separate family restroom - so you cannot always count on one being available in a cross-country trip.

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A lot of different places that have restrooms also have a single handicap restroom. It’s large enough to get a wheelchair into and 2 people. The ladies room has a large handicap stall that’s got it’s own sink and room enough to maneuver.

On an airplane, one person has trouble getting into the restroom so I don’t know how you both could fit.

I’m thinking if it’s a restroom In McDonald’s you could both get into it and lock the outside door. It’s going to take some logistical planning.

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Some places have a family restroom that is kept locked (!) and sometimes nobody remembers who has the key. Testdriving the route or calling ahead can help.

When we had to transport my ancient / fragile mother, we rented a Motorhome. We could give her a bed, support her body with pillows, seatbelt her in. And it had a built-in toilet with enough privacy so we could help her as needed.

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When you book your flight, ask for wheelchair assistance. The employee pushing the wheelchair will take you straight to the "family" restrooms when you get off of the plane. I flew my Mom from Oklahoma to Washington State. I made sure she had on adult diapers, and had a few spares with us. She is very incontinent of her bowels and bladder. We didn't have to use the restroom on the plane, thankfully.

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Nobody has suggested wearing an adult diaper during the flight. It could be presented to your loved one as "just in case you don't get to the restroom on time."

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All the above suggestions are good. I just want to add that wearing 2 tab closing briefs helped me with my Mom, though we never went on a flight. The soiled brief can be opened and pulled off, then the second one pulled up.

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My husband has Alzheimers, is in a wheel chair and is completely incontinent. We were taking a 2 1/2 flight plus 2-3 hours terminal time (check in, security etc).
I called United a couple of days early and made arrangements for assistance . They were wonderful! On and off without a hitch, aisle and middle seat of course.
For the pitential bathroom problems his Dr recommended immodium for bowels and a nighttime, extra absorbent, Depends. Both worked well and the trip was so easy on both of us.
Safe travels!

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I have been caring for my wife for three years and I take her right in the women's bathroom and haven't had a problem.

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When I was with my Husband and a "Family bathroom" was not available I would bring him into the Women's washroom and as we went in I would announce that I was bringing in a disabled man. I never had a problem. On the few occasions that he would get ahead of me and walk into the men's washroom I would announce myself and walk in. If I got a reply to my notice I would wait though.
There should be Handicap accessible bathrooms everywhere though so both of you getting into the bathroom should not be a problem.
And another point "DAVERO" I found that everyone I encountered was understanding, generous and kind. I had children that would ask their Moms "why is that man so sad" (my Husband made moaning noises) and I would explain to the child that he was not sad but his brain did not work just right any more. Most children have friends or classmates that have been diagnosed with autism so I compare it to that. When adults would ask about the noises I would explain he has Alzheimer's and the noise was a coping mechanism for him. I think at this point everyone has some family member that has some "disability" physical or mental that they understand to some degree.

Do not let the though of not being able to enter a Women's washroom deter you, I am sure you will not have a problem. I would try to find locations that are less crowded though. A restaurant off hours would be better than one right at lunch time. Also keep in mind that travel will be stressful. So many stops will be better. Try for at least every 2 hours. Briefs should be checked at least that often anyway.
Talk to her doctor about the trip and ask for medication that might be of help calming her if it is needed. (very important to check before giving her anything depending on her diagnosis!!)
Best of luck and safe travels.

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Sometimes you just have to do what you need to do and not worry about what others think. If you need to help your wife in the bathroom then do it. It would seem less irritating to others if you took her in the men's bathroom. The men won't care. You should have as much right to help her in the ladies bathroom as well. There is usually a large handi-cap stall. Also if you use restrooms in restaurants such as Hardee's or McDonalds they are usually pretty empty. No one is going to say anything about an elderly couple in the restaurants and if they do then take them to court and sue them. Some people have genuine respect and understanding toward the elderly and those that don't and are rude are not worth your time worrying about them. No one is going to throw an elderly man in jail for helping his wife in the bathroom. Now if on the other hand you were 30 years old and you were peeping at little girls that would be a different story. Just worry about the big things in life not the little things.

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We moved my father in law from the Caribbean to the Midwest while he was urinary incontinent and fairly advanced dementia. 2 flights, each 3 hours or less, allowed us to have him in Depends and not use airplane bathroom. All airports should have larger "family" bathrooms. His carry-on was packed with extra pants, socks, and Depends "just in case". Called airline ahead of time due to dementia, didn't want to be tackled by an Air Marshal if he acted up. Bought First Class seats, so there would be more room (less crowding, calmer, more attentive airline staff). Doctor prescribed mild anti-anxiety drug for dad for day of travel -- he was fine, I was the one who needed it! LOL!!

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Great advice upthread! People like to help nice people who ask. (Edited to add: Ha! Just like this forum. Love you all.)

Just ask. If it's a restaurant or an airplane, ask a waitress or a stewardess. It's possible they may be able to assist (depending on how busy they are, of course). They might check the bathroom if it's empty (or announce a man's coming in) or if it's a tiny bathroom, and the door has to be open to accommodate you, stand beyond to keep back anyone approaching.

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I too agree with the above post, and the one with the familyrestroom website.

People will see your struggle or just know this is something different and thus it needs done. For the most part they will understand whatever you have to do, and really times have changed or are changing depending where you live.

But just be frank enough to Just ask for a store manager to stand outside or place a closed restroom and go in whatever sex you want. Women's rooms tend to be cleaner but not too many guys are going to call you out to take a lady in a men's room.

Your wife may not want an alternate sex restroom however and that is another matter. Of course, there are diapers and keep a care bag with you at all times.

Once I and my dad just knocked on a lady's common room, no one was there and we went in and took care of what was needed. If I would have encountered a person I doubt they would have freaked but I guess this could have gone wrong, but I am a pretty open and compassionate-looking person and people for the most part know you are there for a reason.

This same issue happens all the time with people with severely disabled kids and they deal with it for a lifetime. Maybe reach out to a forum for adults with adult-kids with disabilities. But there is a pool at my local amusement park where I see this all the time with adult-kids, often they are agitated and loud, and really no one bats anything other than an eye at most.

Most restroom stalls these days do not have the gaps where you can see in as was in our grade school days. Plus, many of us are so hardened by this that you positively do what needs done.

I hope that is OK advice but really if your wife still has an overriding say-so then run it by her too but you may plan for the best and do what you must. Easily the family restroom is the way to go if you find them and they are often in the back of store rather than the front.

As for the airport, I'd hope that your questions would not turn in to needing a permit to fly, but I may have heard of that if someone cannot stay in their seat if that is also an issue. As well, most stewardess may have an idea because even if a person does not have dementia there are many who need bathroom help.

Personally, a memory care physician may also have ideas but a cath is an undertaking as well. If you would get one for the trip, even though I never heard of this, get a attractive cover to conceal it. My old employer sows them and give them out for free. But the cath would need to be medically necessary I would think.

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The only part I can answer is the bathroom. First, in a plane - there really isn't room enough for 2 people so I doubt you could do that unless you are both really thin.

As for public restrooms - I only ran into this at the hospital and I had to take my DH into the men's room as he was too unsteady to stand on his own. Thankfully, no other men were already in there - but I announced myself quite clearly.

While we were in there, another man came in and I apologized profusely. I promised not to peek. He opted to wait until we were done and said, you have to do what you have to do.

Truthfully, I got the impression he was proud of me for taking my DH into the bathroom.

So, when it comes to that, you take her into whichever YOU and She feel more comfortable. Just announce yourself to make sure there are no surprises.

My SIL took her DH cross-country for cancer treatment and they used a Motor-home. So that too is an option, but it would take days instead of hours on a plane.

Ask the airline. They will tell you what would be best.

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I would get 'depends' for while you are travelling - if she says anything wear some yourself - doing this may solve problems if it's a short trip - do some dry runs in the 'depends' in the weeks before the trip - she will be experiencing enough strangeness let that be matter of fact by then

If you pick the driving option - precheck your route for swimming pools with a handicap facility - pay for 2 swims but just use the shower facilities in the 'family' side - pack a small bag for a clothes change for you both as you'll be wet too & a clean set of clothes in the middle of a trip is nice

How long a flight? - as a former flight attendant I don't see how you would manage on the plane - airports have family washrooms so you could toilet her just before boarding then use 'depends' for trip - I'd get the most absorbant ones you can find - wear them yourself so that you don't have to get up & leave her alone which could be upsetting for her - take a change of clothes for her so if necessary you can use a family washroom to clean her up after the flight - also she might need to go to toilet when there is turbulence so she could get up then - FYI I'm thinking of starting to do this when I fly as more turbulence is a result of global warming - possibly order a wheelchair for her as walking through a strange airport could confuse her & she would be distracted which would make walking an effort for her

The train option may give you the best space but again use the depends - if you could get a roommet for the trip that would give the most privacy

I like a motorhome idea too but you'd need a third person because someone to drive & someone to care for her because it wouldn't be safe for you to do both

Talk to dr. & ask for some calming meds but nothing to zonk her out - try them twice before you take the trip to see how she reacts

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It is legal to go into the ladies restroom with her. Women use stalls so there is plenty of privacy for us. If a woman balks just say you’re there to help. Women really understand that.

I just drove my husband 1200 miles to a permanent care facility. We stopped at Loves gas stations because the stalls are more like small rooms. I used the Loves app to plan the route. I only had one person comment over three days (never a woman!). It was a smart ass who said, “I wish I could go in the women’s room.” I said, “I hope when you have dementia someone will be kind enough to take you.”

Go ahead and drive and take extra time so you’re relaxed when you arrive. I usually make the drive I did in two days so I took three. Well worth the extra hotel stay. Good luck.

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It can be done but it does require good planning. The motorhome option was not a viable option due to time of year and the long distance (across the country). So you just have to sit down and figure out each detail of the trip. Stay close to the airport the day before. Then we took the first flight out in the morning at five am. A red eye might work as well. The day before food and drink was limited. (the doctor assisted with this part). The drugs included immodium, anxiety and sleeping pill. The airports provided someone to push transport chair (this was a straight thru flight also). Underwear included night pants, night pad and booster pad with plastic pants. I had also changed his routine in the week prior to the flight encouraging him to sleep in and keeping him up late. So by the time he was in the plane seat it was still prior to his wake up time and our arrival time was about the time he usually got up. So with the sleeping pill he slept the entire flight. Everybody that helped me that day was a gem. At the end of the flight I hired a private driver to drive us to the new location and she gave us a bit of a tour to make it a bit exciting. And there was food at our new location so we just sat down and had a late lunch and started our new routine in a different time zone. We had our car transported and the biggest headache of all was the uHaul :) One other thing was at the destination airport I requested a male to take us to baggage and he took my husband into the restroom at that point. I am sure that there was a family restroom somewhere but this just made it easier. All individuals that helped were tipped nicely.

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We have had an RV for years because my husband has post cancer surgery diarrhea. If he is driving we just pull off at the first safe place and he goes. Even though it is illegal, if I am driving, he just walks back and goes. If we can't find a safe place in time, he just puts on the flashers, I jump into the driver's seat and off we go.

I like the idea of an RV because if things get messy the shower is right there. I don't know if you can rent one-way or not. If I was going to go that route, I would have a third person to help me.

Hugs to you for all you are doing for your loved one.

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I would rent a RV and pull your vehicle behind. That way she can toilet in private the whole trip and lay down when needed.

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While I love trains, I don't know about an American train. Too bouncy for even me to use the restroom. I don't even know how someone trying to help someone that's not physically capable would work it.

If it's a Japanese or Chinese train though. Definitely. Japanese trains in particular are incredibly stable even while in motion and every other car will have a huge handicap restroom in addition to the plentiful normal sized ones. When I say huge, I mean huge. I've stayed in hotel rooms that are smaller in New York City.

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Many Senior Move Managers regularly arrange for travel companions for their clients, & might provide a bonded & insured travel companion for non-clients, as well. They often assist with distance moves. There are many reasons someone may need a travel companion, whether a certified professional (CNA, HHA, Nurse, etc.) or not, depending on the needs of the traveler. Plenty of seniors, with & without disabilities, have occasion to travel & cannot manage by themselves. For people who can afford it, hiring someone may be a great solution. I wish some of my extended family members would re-define independence, hire the help they need, and visit one another. Staying home because you can't navigate an airport with your 95 y.o. body is hardly independence! Please remember that there are Social Workers in nearly all settings that provide services to seniors, including local Councils on Aging. If they don't have answers, it is their job to find them!

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You may want to look into these:
1, Portable Pop UP Camping Fishing Bathing Shower Toilet Changing Tent Room (~$25)

2, Reliance Hassock Portable Toilet ($37) or
Stansport Easy-Go Portable Toilet ($61)

3, Unisex Portable Mobile Urinal Toilet Car Journey Travel Male Female Handle Urine Bottle 1000ML ($7)

4, Portable Female Urinal Funnel Ladies Woman Standing Up Hygienic Easy To Use ($6) allows women of all ages to urinate in a standing up, sitting down or lying position without undressing.

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Don't stress about using the 'wrong' bathrooms. Around our country district, women have got so fed up with the huge queue for the ladies at fairs etc, while the blokes march in and out of the urinal, that women join the men's queue (usually in pairs). All that happens is a discussion about bad planning for toilets.

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How to transport a family member who is somewhat incontinent?

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