I may need to transport my wife, who is somewhat incontinent. I don't see how I can enter a public bathroom with her to assist her. I tentatively thought I might fly her out with me to our new destination, once I have completed the physical move, placing her in a nursing home in the interim. But she will need to use the restroom on the plane, and I will have to assist her there. Do airlines make provision for this? If I drive cross-country with her, I will face the public bathroom issue, where my presence will not be tolerated in a lady's bathroom, and her presence will not be acceptable in a men's bathroom.
Has she flown recently? Would she become frightened or agitated during the flight? I would be more concerned about how her behavior might be than worrying about bathrooms!
As for using the women's bathrooms, there are no open stalls (men's rooms usually have urinals, she and anyone using the men's room might not appreciate the intrusion.) Like others have said, if you knock and announce yourself first, you should not have an issue going into the women's bathrooms. If the room is empty when you enter but others come in later, it should be obvious to them what is going on and you should not have an issue.
MargaretMcKen - funny you posted that - I was not going to chime in, but I hear you on the queues at events!! I always wonder what does take women so long in the bathroom??? When my son was little, maybe 3yo, he had to go. We were waiting in one such queue, with the men's room just to our left. In/out, In/out, the door almost never stopped!! Finally I told him to just go in there, he really had to go! Door continued to open and close, with me worried outside! As one man was leaving I hear a plaintive moooommmm? PANIC! The guy stopped, held the door open and said no one else was in there, go on in. That was many many many years ago! So yes, sir, it can be done. There are jerks out there who might make a fuss. They'll get over it.
Depending on how far this trip is, taking extra time/days and making the most of it, I would opt for the car. Nice meals in restaurants, stay in nice hotels. Take the scenic (but not too far out of the way!) routes. Really make this last outing special! She is likely used to riding in the car with you, won't get stressed and there are plenty of rest stops along the way to take care of business.
A camper would also be an excellent idea especially if you can hire one a few days ahead and make some short trips in that.
Another idea not dedicated to the actual trip is it would be a good idea to be moved into the new home before transporting Mom. Arrange her room in the same way with the same furniture as she currently has. That way things will seem familiar to her.
Discus this move with her Dr and request advice on using anti anxiety meds and anti diarrheal as well.
As far as using a public restrooms if family bathrooms are not available if i was male i would use the genderappropriate facility for my loved one. Open the door wide and shout that you are bringing your wife in who is disabled and is it OK to come in now. All the women are safely locked in their cubicles and I have never seen anything inappropriate or embarrasing in the open area.
In the mens room the urinals are open as you know and this may not bother the men but it could embarrass your wife and she may not be able to "go" with men listening. Have you ever tried to use a bedpan in an ER when there is a man behind the next curtain? LOL Push and stain as much as you will that desperate pee won't come out.
I am sure you dealt with this before but take a roomy waterproof bag with empty plastic grocery bags, gloves and other supplies plus a collapsible basin or bucket so you can get water into the stall. If there is a mess in the stall tell an attendant and request they clean it up. many handicapped stalls have a help button you can use. your wife is the #1 priority not stall cleaning.although strowing a few paper towels on the floor may cover the worst and deter other users without grosing them out till it is cleaned. lots of time a toilet will overflow with normal use so everyone knows there are risks to using a public restroom.
1, Portable Pop UP Camping Fishing Bathing Shower Toilet Changing Tent Room (~$25)
2, Reliance Hassock Portable Toilet ($37) or
Stansport Easy-Go Portable Toilet ($61)
3, Unisex Portable Mobile Urinal Toilet Car Journey Travel Male Female Handle Urine Bottle 1000ML ($7)
4, Portable Female Urinal Funnel Ladies Woman Standing Up Hygienic Easy To Use ($6) allows women of all ages to urinate in a standing up, sitting down or lying position without undressing.
If it's a Japanese or Chinese train though. Definitely. Japanese trains in particular are incredibly stable even while in motion and every other car will have a huge handicap restroom in addition to the plentiful normal sized ones. When I say huge, I mean huge. I've stayed in hotel rooms that are smaller in New York City.
I like the idea of an RV because if things get messy the shower is right there. I don't know if you can rent one-way or not. If I was going to go that route, I would have a third person to help me.
Hugs to you for all you are doing for your loved one.
I just drove my husband 1200 miles to a permanent care facility. We stopped at Loves gas stations because the stalls are more like small rooms. I used the Loves app to plan the route. I only had one person comment over three days (never a woman!). It was a smart ass who said, “I wish I could go in the women’s room.” I said, “I hope when you have dementia someone will be kind enough to take you.”
Go ahead and drive and take extra time so you’re relaxed when you arrive. I usually make the drive I did in two days so I took three. Well worth the extra hotel stay. Good luck.
If you pick the driving option - precheck your route for swimming pools with a handicap facility - pay for 2 swims but just use the shower facilities in the 'family' side - pack a small bag for a clothes change for you both as you'll be wet too & a clean set of clothes in the middle of a trip is nice
How long a flight? - as a former flight attendant I don't see how you would manage on the plane - airports have family washrooms so you could toilet her just before boarding then use 'depends' for trip - I'd get the most absorbant ones you can find - wear them yourself so that you don't have to get up & leave her alone which could be upsetting for her - take a change of clothes for her so if necessary you can use a family washroom to clean her up after the flight - also she might need to go to toilet when there is turbulence so she could get up then - FYI I'm thinking of starting to do this when I fly as more turbulence is a result of global warming - possibly order a wheelchair for her as walking through a strange airport could confuse her & she would be distracted which would make walking an effort for her
The train option may give you the best space but again use the depends - if you could get a roommet for the trip that would give the most privacy
I like a motorhome idea too but you'd need a third person because someone to drive & someone to care for her because it wouldn't be safe for you to do both
Talk to dr. & ask for some calming meds but nothing to zonk her out - try them twice before you take the trip to see how she reacts
As for public restrooms - I only ran into this at the hospital and I had to take my DH into the men's room as he was too unsteady to stand on his own. Thankfully, no other men were already in there - but I announced myself quite clearly.
While we were in there, another man came in and I apologized profusely. I promised not to peek. He opted to wait until we were done and said, you have to do what you have to do.
Truthfully, I got the impression he was proud of me for taking my DH into the bathroom.
So, when it comes to that, you take her into whichever YOU and She feel more comfortable. Just announce yourself to make sure there are no surprises.
My SIL took her DH cross-country for cancer treatment and they used a Motor-home. So that too is an option, but it would take days instead of hours on a plane.
Ask the airline. They will tell you what would be best.
People will see your struggle or just know this is something different and thus it needs done. For the most part they will understand whatever you have to do, and really times have changed or are changing depending where you live.
But just be frank enough to Just ask for a store manager to stand outside or place a closed restroom and go in whatever sex you want. Women's rooms tend to be cleaner but not too many guys are going to call you out to take a lady in a men's room.
Your wife may not want an alternate sex restroom however and that is another matter. Of course, there are diapers and keep a care bag with you at all times.
Once I and my dad just knocked on a lady's common room, no one was there and we went in and took care of what was needed. If I would have encountered a person I doubt they would have freaked but I guess this could have gone wrong, but I am a pretty open and compassionate-looking person and people for the most part know you are there for a reason.
This same issue happens all the time with people with severely disabled kids and they deal with it for a lifetime. Maybe reach out to a forum for adults with adult-kids with disabilities. But there is a pool at my local amusement park where I see this all the time with adult-kids, often they are agitated and loud, and really no one bats anything other than an eye at most.
Most restroom stalls these days do not have the gaps where you can see in as was in our grade school days. Plus, many of us are so hardened by this that you positively do what needs done.
I hope that is OK advice but really if your wife still has an overriding say-so then run it by her too but you may plan for the best and do what you must. Easily the family restroom is the way to go if you find them and they are often in the back of store rather than the front.
As for the airport, I'd hope that your questions would not turn in to needing a permit to fly, but I may have heard of that if someone cannot stay in their seat if that is also an issue. As well, most stewardess may have an idea because even if a person does not have dementia there are many who need bathroom help.
Personally, a memory care physician may also have ideas but a cath is an undertaking as well. If you would get one for the trip, even though I never heard of this, get a attractive cover to conceal it. My old employer sows them and give them out for free. But the cath would need to be medically necessary I would think.
Just ask. If it's a restaurant or an airplane, ask a waitress or a stewardess. It's possible they may be able to assist (depending on how busy they are, of course). They might check the bathroom if it's empty (or announce a man's coming in) or if it's a tiny bathroom, and the door has to be open to accommodate you, stand beyond to keep back anyone approaching.
There should be Handicap accessible bathrooms everywhere though so both of you getting into the bathroom should not be a problem.
And another point "DAVERO" I found that everyone I encountered was understanding, generous and kind. I had children that would ask their Moms "why is that man so sad" (my Husband made moaning noises) and I would explain to the child that he was not sad but his brain did not work just right any more. Most children have friends or classmates that have been diagnosed with autism so I compare it to that. When adults would ask about the noises I would explain he has Alzheimer's and the noise was a coping mechanism for him. I think at this point everyone has some family member that has some "disability" physical or mental that they understand to some degree.
Do not let the though of not being able to enter a Women's washroom deter you, I am sure you will not have a problem. I would try to find locations that are less crowded though. A restaurant off hours would be better than one right at lunch time. Also keep in mind that travel will be stressful. So many stops will be better. Try for at least every 2 hours. Briefs should be checked at least that often anyway.
Talk to her doctor about the trip and ask for medication that might be of help calming her if it is needed. (very important to check before giving her anything depending on her diagnosis!!)
Best of luck and safe travels.
I called United a couple of days early and made arrangements for assistance . They were wonderful! On and off without a hitch, aisle and middle seat of course.
For the pitential bathroom problems his Dr recommended immodium for bowels and a nighttime, extra absorbent, Depends. Both worked well and the trip was so easy on both of us.
Safe travels!
When we had to transport my ancient / fragile mother, we rented a Motorhome. We could give her a bed, support her body with pillows, seatbelt her in. And it had a built-in toilet with enough privacy so we could help her as needed.
On an airplane, one person has trouble getting into the restroom so I don’t know how you both could fit.
I’m thinking if it’s a restroom In McDonald’s you could both get into it and lock the outside door. It’s going to take some logistical planning.