I am an only child...my mother has demetia and has been living with us on and off for 3 1/2 years and steady for 18 months....we both are done with caregiving but the final straw came today when my daughter wanted to visit us for 2 weeks this summer with our 2 toddler grand kids but says she can't with gramma here as she's too noisy all night long and would wake the kids, there's too much yelling as gramma is near deaf and long ago destroyed her hearing aids....we only see our grand kids every 3 or 4 months as they live 700 miles away ...and when heard heard they won't come because of our situation here he flipped.....he really wants her gone now...my cousin in AZ said she would take my mother to live with her some months ago.....Said she would drive here to the east in late august and take her..well suprise.... She came here 2 weeks go and is staying with friends 60 miles from here...she hasn't visited my mother yet...in fact I found out she was coming here from her brother, she never told me herself she was coming down...I think she wants to back out of taking her after no doubt telling this to others....I don't think she will be making the treck again in 2 months...what do I do?..my mother gets SS..is on Medicare....has no other assets at all....she doesn't have my major med. problems...she doesn't want to go to a nursing home and I don't know if she qualifies for one having dementia....my husband has had it...he wants his life back and I do too
Kids learn many lessons. They've already learned that caring for one's mom is a loving and honorable thing to do. Now they can learn the lesson that one must make sensible choices even when they aren't perfect and hurt like h*ll.
When I AM impaired and can't take care of myself anymore, YES, put me in a place where I can be safe, clean, and looked after. NO, I don't want it to be in my kids' homes. NO, I don't want it to be in my home at great inconvenience to everybody and probably myself.
So to anybody who criticizes a person for making safe and smart decisions vs. eventually putting themselves and the senior in an unsafe and unsustainable situation......Kindly Stuff It.
We have had a spate of callous trolls lately on the boards and I'm quite unhappy about it. It's probably the same people who just keep creating shill accounts over & over. Sad, sick, lonely, people who have to take their anger with the world out on us here. Not acceptable behavior at all.
It's time for mom to go into a nursing home. If she has no assets, she'll be immediately qualified for Medicaid. Start the ball rolling immediately is my advice. And don't feel guilty. You and your husband have done much more than most families do for their parents. It's time to start VISITING her instead of living with her.
Good luck!
The Area on Aging might help you with respite for two weeks, to give you a break. Be aware of the VA its a very long process and you may not qualify for Medicaid when you need it. But if you decide to keep her home it would help you with other expense and they will retro payments.
One other idea is try and find a adult day care that has dementia clients, it will keep her busy during and she may sleep better at night. Good luck.
Mums not my mum shes nasty 90 per cent of the time which is sucking the life out of me she drowns me in her negativity but lord knows ive tried to make her life easier but i cant and i know that now.
After 2-1/2 years it was the lack of privacy and general rudeness of siblings that did us both in. He was a saint but we both reached the point that we wanted and deserved our life back. You just have to put your own family first.
I don't hate or resent my siblings for the way they behaved....I chalk up to their guilt of not being able or wanting to care for Mother and a bit of jealously due to the lifestyle we enjoy.
I think it's important to get some quality time, right now, away from Mom to find out what's got your husband all worked up.. Obviously it's just not your daughter's visit.. Have a heart to heart.. I don't know about you but I've been with my husband that long and I know how he feels about everything.. He doesn't have to tell me I can usually figure it out.. Sometimes I act like I don't know ..LOL But seriously talk with him..
Of course you want to "build memories" with your grandkids at your home, but sometimes you have to work with what you've got. You still have a pool and a yard. You could enjoy those with them during the day, and send them to the hotel at night, when great-grandma gets noisy. Or you could gag her, tie her up and lock her in the garage. Your choice! (Seriously, don't do that. She might manage to untie herself and call the cops.)
Consider the hotel idea. Half a loaf is better than none, or in the words of Mr. Mick Jagger: "You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need."
It sounds as if your cousin had a bit of a reality check. Who knows, maybe after she made her generous offer she then started telling friends about it and somebody took her to one side and "had a word." Well. She ought to have been more candid with you, if that's what happened - but hey, what difference does it make in the end? Leave her be.
With young children to consider, I can't blame your daughter either for deciding against this summer's visit. It sounds as if she's been perhaps unkindly blunt about it, but on balance she's made a sensible choice - a visit that went horribly wrong would be worse than postponing, wouldn't it. If it's possible, respite care would be ideal for that kind of situation; but I think it's probably a bit late to hope to arrange it now. Worth asking, all the same?
But longer term, you've got to face where your mother needs to live. As her dementia worsens the strain on you will increase; and if your husband's already bursting a blood vessel over it then…
It's not a choice any person ought to have to make, but there it is: it's your marriage or your mother. It really does sound as if you can't have both. Get on the phone and start finding out what your local services have to offer, and then you can make a plan. Once he sees that serious effort is being made your husband might calm down a bit (though he might also feel a bit glum about how long the process can be); and for your peace of mind refuse to get rushed into hustling your mother into the nearest place that'll take her - do your research, find out about funding, go and see what's available.
Do you have POA for your mother?
And yes, I agree that you should get the ball rolling to find a nursing home for your mother. It takes awhile. The "inactive list" to wait for a room to open up at a highly recommended nursing home near us is eighteen months. Individual results may vary, but you can't expect there'll be a place ready to take her tomorrow, just because your husband has reached the end of his patience.
Having someone with Alz in the home can be a big strain on a marriage and the family in general. Their needs have to be considered too. ((((((Hugs)))))) to you. I am sure you feel like you are between a rock and a hard place.