I resent being a caretaker and it hasn’t gotten bad yet. Advice?

Wow, you have a LOT going on! Sorry for your dad's passing. I take it your mom is back on her feet?

So sorry about your husband! Can you get some help ASAP? What can you pay someone to do? Clean your house? That's a pretty easy one. Meal prep? Stay with hubby for a few hours so you can catch a break? Please do it. You're burnt out and need help. Have any friends or family offered to help? If so, take them up on it. I've seen things set up on websites for bringing meals, etc.

I'm assuming a terminal brain cancer diagnosis comes with a rather short life expectancy? I don't know, just guessing. And no matter what they estimate, it can be much shorter or longer. Is the cancer being aggressively treated with something like chemo (guessing since you're taking him to the doc a lot)?

Hopefully you have all his legal affairs in order. Living will, POA, etc.

Depending on a lot of variables, your husband might want to switch to palliative or hospice care. Switching the focus to quality of life (and pain management) vs taking heroic measures to extend life even if the quality is pretty horrible.

Don't freak out about his mom. So what if she hates you? I assume you've been dealing with this for quite some time. Just think - his funeral will be the last time you EVER have to see her. Keep that in mind and just politely ignore her. Don't let her get to you.

I think you might benefit from trying a therapist to get some support for this tough situation. Your stress level must be off the charts.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry for your situation Helena. I just wanted to mention something. In December of 2013, my cousin (who was 40 at the time) was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer (stage 4) as well. He's STILL alive today and has stopped taking chemo treatments years ago. He has 4 young children and is a good dad to them every day, believe it or not, cooking for them & playing with them too. Don't count your husband out quite yet, okay?

You need to look into therapy for YOURSELF now. Anti-depressants may help you get to feeling a bit better, and talk therapy can give you some coping mechanisms to help you deal with all that's on your plate. You need to take care of you, too, and remember that your life is just as important as his. Yes, he's the patient but you could wind up sick too if you're not careful. Taking 'me time' is vital for you!

You may want to extend an olive branch out to your mother-in-law to see if you can repair the broken relationship now. You both love her son, who's hurting, so now is no time for 'hatred' or hard feelings between you. You can band TOGETHER to offer support to one another now. She may gain a whole new respect for you if you hold out that olive branch, and let bygones be bygones, you know?

Please make an appointment with your PCP to address your depression and to talk about therapy.

Wishing you the best of luck with all you're facing right now.

Condolences. Definitely look into hospice as a support/respite system. If either of you is a veteran, look into VA's home health options which could cover the cost of a home health provider and possibly transportation.

There should be a social worker at your doctor's or cancer center providing that help. If they're not helping, according to YellowPages.com, there are 5 highly-rated hospice providers and 7 highly-rated top cancer support orgs in Montgomery.

If your husband is lucid, why not ask him what he'd like for his funeral? Reminisce and make plans. A few suggestions to reduce your stress/anxiety:

~ Take the scenic route to and from the doctor. If possible, find a place to park
to enjoy the scenery or people watch.
~ Watch some aerial landscape vids, relaxation vids, or walking tours on
YouTube.
~ Nourish yourself and stay hydrated. Hospice or a cancer support organization
should be able to help with that.
~ Lean into your belief system. Spirituality is an overlooked aspect of mental
and medical care.
~ Laugh. Corny jokes, comedies, the stupidities faced in managing health
(that often requires a warped sense of humor...)
~ Journal. Write out your thoughts instead of bottling them up and fearing for
a blow-up. Even if you don't read what you've written, counselors say the
act of writing in itself is a release.

When you have support to deal with the doctor visits and home care, hopefully you'll feel some of the weight lifted and be in a better frame of mind to tackle making peace with mother-in-law.

Best wishes to you and hubby.

I'm so sorry for what you are facing. I have been up against my DH's nearly dying 4 times...and it didn't get easier each time. He doesn't take care of himself and I know I will outlive him by many years, unless he begins seriously doing something better for himself.

I hope you get some counseling and help to prepare you for what lies ahead. Perhaps starting an antidepressant and getting some counseling to prepare you.

As far as his mother. Ugh. Same problem here. My MIL hates me so much it's almost laughable. If he predeceases her, and that is a definite possibility, I will assign one of my burly Sons In Law to keep her away from me. Like, literally, pick her up and put her somewhere far away from me. If she had been a loving and caring mother I would welcome her support, but that ship has sailed.

I can't 'guess' how this would go, but she's so incredibly selfish, I could actually see her not attending any kind of funeral for him. Sad that in the midst of our own grief we have to deal with toxic people.

Prayers for you and hubby.

A successful, loving marriage includes the reality that one spouse will become ill and likely die first. Counseling with a mental health professional and/or religious representative can rebuild the strength for your responsibility, which includes dismissing a mother-in-law without confrontation. Do you feel resentment for providing care for your husband, or is it actually fear of his decline and death? Enlist a trusted friend or relative to give you a break, or hire a sitter. Speak with his medical team to get a clear understanding of his condition and what to expect. Make his final arrangements while he can make his wishes known to avoid MIL interference. Brain cancer usually has a rapid decline and he is likely dealing with his own depression and fear of dying. You don't want to live with the guilt of turning away from your husband when he needs you the most. It can seem overwhelming, but you can do it.

Helena, how are you coping with the loss of your dad? How are you doing?

I am so sorry for all of the tragedy you are dealing with, it would take anyone to their knees. May The Lord give you strength and comfort during this very difficult time.

A couple of other ideas.
If you have people who have said to you, "call and let me know if I can do anything", now is the time to call them. Cooking a meal and bringing it over at dinnertime, or cooking stuff for your freezer, or getting groceries, or staying with your husband for a couple of hours (even if you just go to a different part of the house to nap, shower, etc.) Ask the social worker at the oncology practice where he is being treated about help - with the practical stuff, for him, and mostly for you. A therapist and antidepressants will help you - you are depleted already and carrying the grief from your dad's death and your mother's needs, and now this heavy load. Too much for any one person.

I'm so sorry for your situation. I'm sure you are feeling overwhelmed. I can relate. In the last 6 years I have buried a husband, lost a friend to cancer who I'd known since I was 6 years old and lost my nephew due to complications after surgery. Then we had to put my mom in a home as she has dementia. My brother was diagnosed with Parkinsons and some family members are not speaking to one another. It just seems to go on and on. When my mother has bad days I just remind myself that I'm doing the best I can and that maybe tomorrow will be a better day. I pray to God for strength. I hope you have talked to your doctor about how you're feeling. Perhaps you need something for depression/anxiety. Try and arrange for someone to stay eith your husband even if it's just an hour or two so you can get a break. You must take care if yourself for your sake and your husband's. As for the funeral and your MIL, just make sure your husband's wishes are followed and distance yourself as much as possible from his mother. Afterwards you don't have to have anything to do with her. I will pray for you and your husband. Hang in there and take it one hour at a time. I also pray the Serenity prayer as it comforts me.

One of the stages of grief is anger and I can imagine being angry because the marriage as it once was is over. You are just experiencing human emotions. If you can get some respite care though your state, or any kind of home health care so you can get away for a bit it may help. Just don’t beat yourself up because of feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong they are just feelings. I would definitely seek out a counselor so you can manage your emotions with everything you have going on. It’s a safe place to vent without being judged.

I took care of my husband, 69 at the time it started- hip replacement that was recalled but it became septic- took ten years of many hospitals, few surgeries, replaced hip, more infections, etc . I thought of killing myself. Several nursing home stays , I asked at nursing home for help- counseling. Now three years a widow I wish I still had him . Now it is lonesome and grief groups. Working to also get out of my own way..

Read Marcus Aurelius meditations. My husband had a breakdown after I became paralyzed and was in the hospital for 9 months.
Get a hobby only 4 you. Get a plan for death hashed out now so don't have to deal with the mother in law. I'm dying alone and it really really sucks, imagine what your NEXT partner is going think of you if you bail on your dying husband? In sickness and in health people

It is normal to become overwhelmed to the place you are. You need some respite and time to get out and do something for yourself and that is not selfish but will help your state of mind. As a caregiver of our spouse we take on a different role other than wife or husband and it is normal to be angry but not at them or yourself as no one is at fault. I retired and all heck broke loose and not what we thought our time retired would be. I have taken time to go thru pictures with him, make a candlelight special dinner, and other special things we enjoyed before his mind is totally gone. I have planned for his future so I am not burdened at the time and can mourn myself with our children. Yes your lives have changed but enjoy what time you have together and be good to yourself thru this. He is lucky to have you and to have each other.

I am so sorry for your loss. My condolences to you and your family. Please know that what you are feeling is normal. Look at all of the stuff you're dealing with! I promise, it will get easier. Depending on your husband's ability, see if there is a daily program where he can be picked up & dropped off at home. If not, see if someone can come in and stay with your husband/mother. Give your social worker or medical provider a call regarding this, and support groups. Get referrals. Google if you have to. Call! Call! Call. Praying for you.

You have a very hard situation and it's okay to feel about it the way you do. Most people will have the same dread and anxiety as you do in such circumstances.
It's time to bring in some outside help and delegate some of your husband's care to them. Let homecare take him some of the places he needs to go. Let them help you by running errands and helping out with some of the housekeeping so eveything isn't heaped up on your plate.
As for your MIL, screw her. It isn't about her. When the time comes for making the funeral, if she can't behave herself and be respectful then let her have no part of it. You are the spouse not her.

I absolutely know what you mean. I helped with my sister for 12 years until she passed away. Immediately after my elderly mum moved in with me and it's been an awful 5 years of her being here. I am resentful and so envious of my friends who are free to live their lives. Because of my mum I had to give up my job, my relationship and my freedom. I am now 65 and have booked her Into a care home for a month of respite so that I can enjoy my daughter's wedding. I can't wait and hope that she likes it and wants to stay there. She is 95 and has years left in her yet but she has sucked the life out of me and I'm sure has shortened my own life. I don't even want to meet a new man as I'm sure I would end up as a carer again and that's the last thing I want.

I'll start with the funeral - his mom may hate you, but the wife makes the decisions. I'm not saying this is where you have all the control, but it does remove the control from mother in law. It will be the last thing you do for hubby AND his remaining family members, both in laws and outlaws, so regardless of past relationships with them, make decisions with kindness.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with mom and hubby's medical issues so soon after losing your dad. Sometimes life happens with one thing after another piled on and, of course, you're having a hard time.

For now, you said your husband is better, but you do have his future to deal with. Do you/he have any family members near you that you can start working out a calendar with to help you in any way (for day or so breaks out of the house, dr appts, etc)? If so, start there to have them on board with things get harder. Do you have finances to hire in home health when things get harder? If not, this would be the time to talk to doctor (if you haven't) to find out how this will play out: Will there be an event where he has to return to hospital? Can he tell you what kind of hospice care you can receive in the home/out of the home in your state? Those answers may help you sort out what you'll have to cover financially and what would be covered under Medicare or other insurance he has.

I hope you can round up some family members to provide a little respite now and in the future. You have a lot to deal with.

There are two sayings that: "Haters Hate", and "Hurt People Hurt People". To me, together those two sayings mean that no matter what you are going to do, there are always going to be people out there who talk against you and talk against what you are doing and or be mean to you, there is just no getting away from people like that in life. I know it is hard having this hurtful woman being so close to you in your life. Several suggestions:
1. You can stand your ground and defend yourself lovingly but firmly tell her to stop mistreating you and that you are not her punching bag:
2. You could be nice to her not matter what she does or says to you knowing that you may never see her again after "your husband's passing".
3. You could do both: stand your ground sternly and show her love and kindness/respect.
(When/if you do any of this: surround yourself with witnesses, I mean family members/friends, who could see both reactions so that when she gossips about you to them, they could defend your actions and or give you praises for how you handled yourself either behind your back or to your face. Practice what you are going to do with unbiased friends or family members first if you like, or video you talking to yourself in the mirror, then play it back to yourself when you are less emotional and able to give yourself an unbiased opinion. Look up non emotional responses online and practice saying them to yourself and in the mirror. Think of things she has said to you and about you and try to think of non-emotional responses.)
4. You could do none of the above because you think I am totally full of poppycock
5. It is too stressful to try to think of responses ahead of time because you do not know what she may or may not do and just want to play it by ear when and if that time comes.

Side note: She sounds like she might be an old, bitter woman, who is jealous of you and ungrateful that you took care of her ailing son while she wasn't. Good luck. Keep us posted.

Have you tried taking with a counselor? Maybe a professional can help you sort this all out and keep some kind of balance in your life. I lost my husband to a brain tumor. I never resented caring for him but I did often wonder why such an awful thing had to happen to us. Perhaps getting some help now will help you find ways to not feel so resentful. I had a counselor and it helped.

There have been some recent news stories about promising new experimental treatments and medication studies for glioblastoma. If you would like to read more and haven’t discussed these with your doctor, send me a private message and I will provide links.

Burnout is understandable when you have been doing this much caretaking. Be kind and gentle to yourself. We don’t get to pick the cards we are dealt, just how we play them.

As for your funeral planning question, make sure you know what he wants and don’t read his preferences until the day comes —when you need to know. Don’t get overwhelmed - let him choose instead— this may be comforting to him in this time where he feels such a lack of control. Make sure all his legal estate planning has been completed. All of us should have our estate planning complete and this information with regard to our funerals and last wishes available to our spouses anyway. Funerals and memorials are most often planned with little to no prep time. You could search for a questionnaire online to send him so all the decisions are made and questions are answered. Complete one to send to your closest loved ones (including your spouse) as well. This way the funeral planning pressure will be off you completely and his family cannot reasonably argue with you. (Key word is “reasonably” —funerals often bring out the worst in those who are survivors.).

Take care of yourself. You do have some responsibility and control with that. Make a list of those things which calm and relax you and keep it somewhere handy in case you get to stressed out to process the world around you.

Do something nice for yourself every day. Make that a sincere priority.

You have a lot of grief piling up. Is your mother OK now? Or are you still helping her out? Seek counseling for your own state of mind, if you think it will help. If your mother's finances allow for it and also yours and your husbands', seek help in caring for them. Get connected with a local social worker or organizations that can advise on elder care options. Aids can come in to help with bathing, dressing, etc. Make sure that your mother's and husbands paperwork is in order so that you can take over as POA, if needed. They'll need to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, have a living will with their medical directives, most financial organizations require their own POA forms, and you need to be on file with Medicare and Social Security to speak on their behalf. Try to make things as easy as you can for yourself. I found that setting up all accounts online helped for me. Relationships with spouses are not always equal. There are times when hopefully he stepped up, and now it's your turn. It's a difficult time, and you also need to care for yourself (attend to your own needs). All the best to you, and a big hug. Be strong!

I find it odd that you say it 'hasn't gotten bad yet.' Honey, it's been bad for a while, and you've just been a rockstar at dealing with it. I have been a full-time caregiver for my mom for about three months now and I wondered the same thing, how I could possibly be so burnt out when it hasn't been that long. In reality, my mom has been going downhill for more than a year, and it was so gradual and I was dealing so well with it that I just didn't notice that much. You have been going through what I like to think of as the Chinese Water Torture caregiving process. Little by little, day by day, things pile up and get steadily worse and worse until it reaches a point where you can't take it anymore, it's just been so gradual that it was hard to even notice at first. I'm so sorry that you're going through this, and unfortunately there are no easy answers. If it's at all possible, I would try to get some hospice/respite care in the home so you can escape for a while and at least take a deep breath. If it isn't, is a care home an option? I'm considering a memory care facility for my mom now, and it is the most gut-wrenching thing I've ever had to even think about, so if it isn't an option for you I totally get it. The one thing I can say is that you shouldn't give a d*** about your mother-in-law, and if she hates you but loves her son then she can step in and help. Although in my experience family members are quick with advice/criticism but slow to actually step up and put their money where their mouth is. But trust me, you are dealing with this better than you think you are, it is an immeasurable burden to place on anyone's shoulders and it is, in my opinion, the most unfair part of loving another human being. Stay strong and know that the community behind you is bigger than you can imagine. Sometimes it isn't much, but just knowing you aren't alone in this horrible boat can help. God bless.

You are overloaded and being a caregiver can be incredibly difficult. A lot of folks would feel the same way in your situation. One caregiving job after another so there’s no break. Rest as much as you can and keep obligations to a minimum. Your sanity is more important than a lot of duties around the house. If all you feel like doing is taking a nap, then do it. Chances are your sleep is awful so take advantage of getting whenever else you can.

I live 1600 miles from my brother. In late 2020 he began to have severe memory and decision making problems. At first I thought it was early onset dementia but an MRI revealed a massive brain tumor. His 23 year old daughter took him to doctor appointments, the ER and hospitals. She and I both have POA—me first, her second so she was able to do a lot locally. He was diagnosed with a glioblastoma but his doctors didn’t tell me that, probably since I’m not a spouse. All they talked about was treatment of radiation and chemo.

Contact the Brain Tumor Network!! They were far more helpful than the doctors. I couldn’t have gotten through this without them. They provide free support for people with brain tumors, the families and caregivers. They consist of navigators who are neuro oncology nurses and social workers who have similar experiences. They can send for medical records and refer patients to get second opinions and advise on experimental treatments. My brother was already at a leading neurological hospital, but instead the nurse was able to look at his medical records to get an idea of the extent of the tumor, the genetic makeup and get an idea of his prognosis. She was incredibly sympathetic and supportive— sometimes I just cried. She gave me truthful information, how bad it was and helped me make the incredibly difficult decision to put him in hospice. Quality over quantity has always been my goal and she completely agreed with me. The new experimental treatments would be of no value for him. The social worker called the hospices I was interested in and gave me feedback so I could select one. him. My navigator comments on his diminishing symptoms as I give her progress reports. Through the Medicare website I found an excellent nursing facility and the best hospice around. Every month she checks in to see how things are going. What doctor would ever do that? Knowing someone else in my corner really helped my morale. Caregiving can be extremely lonely so support is very important.

Start your husband’s pre-planning now. Do you have Power of Attorney for finances and health so you, not his mother, have the final say on his treatment when he no longer can. Is the car in your name? Avoid the title mess. Some states have TOD-transferable on death- to the person named on the title. Is there stuff he’d like others to have? What are his final wishes? Does he have a will—not just a verbal “I’m leaving it all to you.” Does he want a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order? Completing the DNR was really hard for me and my niece. There was a finality to it. Ask what he wants for his funeral. Get it all in writing and made official, either with an elder law attorney or whatever the state requires to make it legal. This way he has set it up and his mother doesn’t have grounds to do what she wants.

At the funeral, have supportive friends around, literally, if you can. If they don’t know already, let them in on what could happen. Let the funeral director know about her so they can deal with situations if need be. Get as much help as possible. You’ll get through this. Some people here have cared for someone they never got along with. Whatever the circumstances, don’t take on his mother.

You have found the perfect place to help you out with everything you are dealing with. The people on this forum are kind, knowledgeable and they have been where you are. Take advantage of the info you have already received!
What a terrible year you have had. I'm so sorry you have been facing so much in such a limited time frame. You haven't had a chance to grieve for your father properly and I might suggest you start there. Take a few hours, or a day, or a couple days (even tho you may feel you can't spare the time right now.) Give yourself permission to finally let loose and cry for your loss, talk to friends about how much you miss him and how hard it's been. Share a story with someone that knew him. Visit his grave, if possible, and leave a note, flowers, a pretty pebble or simply some tears. When your dad passed away you never had time to properly deal with it because so many other fires started up that needed to be put out! I suspect taking this step will help you re-group in your mind and have a bit of strength to deal with the future fires.
Your husband, like you, is frightened and probably physically weakened by his disease and treatments. Try to find a time each day to talk together about subjects NOT RELATED to his health, doctors, next steps, etc. Those things need to be addressed, of course, but creating a bit of normalcy in the mayhem is important too. Play a game together (maybe with some friends), watch a favorite movie, reminisce about a vacation, pretend you won the lottery and spend your winnings, (one of my favorites).
At the same time realize that YOU are just as important as anyone else. So be as vigilant about self care as you are with husband and mother care. Get fresh air daily, even if it's just going in the back yard and screaming! By the way, that's very therapeutic! If you are one that values private time alone go get it! A walk anywhere. Go sit in the local library and read. Go to the movies. Get a haircut or manicure. Go to a book reading at a local bookstore, visit a museum. Any activity that will allow you to get out of your head for a bit is good.
If you are more likely to enjoy company ask a friend to plan an adventure to do together! It takes the pressure away from having yet another thing to plan.
It's hard to picture making these things happen, even if you realize their importance. Last year when my dad was dying of Alzheimers and my mom was just not coping at all, everything fell on me. I single-handedly took care of doctor appointments for both of them, hiring caregivers, arranging hospice care, keeping siblings up to date, trying not to be angry that siblings were allowing all this to fall on me, financial arrangements...all the stuff you are doing. When people said I needed to care for myself I wondered where those magical extra hours could come from. But when I really looked closely, I found I spent a lot of time overwhelmed and paralyzed each day, avoiding my responsibilities by staring at the TV or playing games on my computer. There were hours I wasted when I just could not face doing another task. Those were the hours I stole back for myself. If I fired up a game on my phone, I immediately went for a short walk! Look for small blocks of time in your own days that can be devoted to you!

Best of luck to you. I truly hope you can find some sanity among all the craziness you now face.

https://www.cancer.org/treatment/caregivers.html

What did you agree to in your wedding vows? What if YOU had the disease and HE was tasked with your responsibilities?

You have a full plate and I am sorry. Not every human on this earth is made to be a caretaker any more than not everyone can be an engineer or a teacher. There is nothing wrong with you to feel as you do - you are overwhelmed and forced into doing something which you obviously do not want to do and don't feel valued. I can certainly understand your feelings and if your "others" are not with you completely, you feel isolated and angry - can't blame you. I would immediately set boundaries by finding a responsible caretaker to take over your duties so you can live your life. As to your husband, love him and be there for him but get help in taking care of him. And as to his mother, if she is what you say she is, just steer clear and do not get involved with her. Try to find some outlets for you to feel better and happier - remember, we are not all made the same and you should not be punished for that.

HelenaH: You are an amazing individual. I believe that you are already enduring the "bad" part currently, even though you state otherwise. I also believe that you would benefit from a counselor. Do not end your life. Seek help from a medical professional immediately for those type of thoughts. Please come back to the forum often.

Take one day at a day. As best you can. I know this is easy to day.
Do you do ANYTHING each day 'just for you/r distraction / enjoyment?'
Get a caregiver a day or two a week and you take off doing everything and nothing just for you. If you haven't already hired someone for a respite, why not?

Not clear on the funeral and his mom's feelings for you.
Do what is in your best interest.

You are married to him, not his mother. In other words, you do what you want and she can support you or not (if not, leave you alone) and tell her she isn't invited to the service. May sound mean although I feel you have every right emotionally and psychologically (and legally) to do what feels / is right for you.

While you may not want to do this, perhaps write a letter to his mother telling her out you feel and outlining YOUR boundaries with her. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you aren't putting up with any b.s. when the funeral time comes.
Be very clear with what you want / don't want . . . will and will not tolerate.

The 'why' she hates you may or may not be beside the point.
I wonder if any of those feelings on her part could be resolved or softened by the two of you talking - although I sense you are way way and way more beyond that possibility.

You absolutely need time outs before you go batty.

* * *

Gena / Touch Matters

Seems like you have been in the midst of some heavy duty caregiving without much of a break. That kind of non-stop work will burn out anybody. So the resentment is probably a combination of overwork, tiredness, and feeling overwhelmed.

Your husband has his health issues and that will not change. You can talk with his doctor about what kinds of help you and your husband qualify for - home health aides, adult day program, respite, meals... After obtaining all the local/governmental aid, then talk to family, friends, members of your faith community for help. Lastly, talk to your insurance company and assess your finances to see what kind of paid help you can afford. The goal is to give you some time off daily and more weekly so you can meet your own needs and get a "breather" from caregiving.

Once you have some help, then you can look at long term needs. You might want to consider prepaid funeral services. Call a couple of mortuary companies in your area. They have nice representatives that can meet with you, explain their services and walk you through how the process usually works. It also costs less for a prepaid funeral. You may get a discount if you get a plan for your husband and yourself as well.

As for his mom, she is probably feeling overwhelmed as well. If you are paying for the funeral, feel free to plan a memorial that honors your husband but also gives you comfort. Funerals, or memorials, are not for the one who is dead but are to give comfort to the living.

I definitely think you should reach out to a professional who can better assist you with your needs. Professionals are equipped to handle whatever it is that you’ll say, and they won’t make you feel bad about your feelings either. Being a caretaker to someone is one of THEE hardest jobs in the world, and only people who understand can relate. And if you have no help with your husband’s condition, it’s a double whammy for you. Please consider speaking with someone about your feelings. Also, if you can afford it, hire someone to come in the home and watch him for an hour or two or three while you spend time doing something else for you. If it’s nothing more than breathing in the car alone, or running to the ice cream spot that you like, or what have you, see if you can make time for some “me” time by hiring someone to come in and watch your husband.

I was lucky with my mother. She had dementia for the last five years of her life and she was very easy to care for. I sold my house and moved in with her. Also, we could afford for me not to work, so I could be with her 24/7. I felt it was my duty to care for her because she had cared for me as a child. I get angry at people complaining about caring for a sick parent. It's payback. Caring for her was the most rewarding thing I've ever done and wish I had had more time with her even though she didn't know who I was at the end. To this day I desperately miss her and love her. I feel lucky that she didn't die suddenly because I was prepared for her death because she had been sick for several years.