I visited a friend in a nursing home yesterday and they brought her dinner, and left it. Is this standard practice?

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I visited a friend in a nursing home yesterday and they brought her dinner, and left it. Is this standard practice?

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I asked if she could feed herself, and they said yes. But she was so stiff, I couldn't even get her arm up so she could grab her burger. They told her family she is having trouble swallowing. She is skin and bones. I fed her and she ate at hamburger, tater tots, a yogert, a full banana and a cookie and enjoyed every bite. Are they covering for the fact that she is not being fed, explaining her emaciation. She is not long for this world, and maybe they are helping it along. Is this standard practice? I also tried to readjust her legs, and couldn't even move them. This is disturbing.

Care Plan Skilled Nursing Facility Weight Loss

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Me again...Thanks for all your help. Sadly, she passed away last week. Funeral is Tuesday. May she rest in peace. I will probably ask her daughter after the funeral if the ombudsman checked it out like they said they would.

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So sorry for the loss of your friend. Hugs!

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Years ago, my mother was in an NH after she broke her femur. Her sister saw that my mom's food tray was left in the hall - untouched. When my aunt, who was a very outspoken lady, asked why it hadn't been delivered to her sister, the response she received from the staff member was - "I cannot read English - no comprehendo."

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I hate to say this but staff is often insufficient and so many people with so many needs. They just simply do not have the time to personally tend to so many with these needs. Yes, this is all too often the case. If someone comes to help with something, it is done as quickly as possible and they leave and go onto the next person. I live in assisted living but fortunately, I take care of 99.9% of my needs but not everyone can do this. I note they come in and do whatever they need to do and within minutes (if one is lucky) or seconds, they are gone. I don't know the answer if they don't hire more bodies - and where does the money come from?

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you know what? if you feel so uncomfortable about the situation you saw with your friend maybe you should call the nursing home
complaint dept and tell them what you saw. you don't have to be family to file a complaint and maybe this place needs to have there eyes opened by higher up authorities. cant hurt can only help.....

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Better to report to the attending physician, they were responsible for her health needs and a softer diet for sure and plenty of ice-cream.

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Takincare was spot on. Take pictures, notate the date and time, and create a log. Make several copies and retain the originals. Originals in someone else's hands are ALWAYS "lost". Contact the DON, NH administrator and the Health Care Facilities division of the Health Department in your state the SAME day. File a complaint with every one of the entities EVERY DAY. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Don't allow anyone to to put you off or put off your complaint. The resident is in pain, lying in/on soiled linen, thirsty and hungry EVERY DAY, and does not need to wait for proper and compassion treatment. There's no excuse for laziness. The CNTs were trained, so they knew what to expect before they took the job! In my experience ombudsmen are almost as problematic as the staff.

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Sounds just like my mother in her last year. (She had swallowing problems and scans for three years.) Yes, they did the same thing. That is why I always tried to be there around dinner. Since she passed 8 months ago, I cannot forget what she endured. She got hollered at because she could not move her bowels. They would leave the thickened water around. I noticed once the box it was kept in had mold in it. They gave her morphine away. I remember she told me she was in pain on her last night. I had to leave. They cut back on visiting hours. The ombudsman was not given a place to sit at the last meeting. I can only prepare myself mentally to get treated the same way. I tried every way to fight back and be reasonable and not racist. No one attended her burial. I am an only child with no child of her own. I will be 66 next month and I will never forget.

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So sorry for what you have been through, truly. My experience pales in comparison, and I struggle most days with memories of life for my mother in the nursing home. I am just beginning to attend to caring for myself.

I recently began a bereavement group for adults who lost a parent. For me it was 6 months ago, others up to a year. It's run by a hospice agency, and it's not necessary to have been a client of theirs. It's free. I have found great relief sharing what I struggle(d) with, and hearing I am not alone! We are 6 women. I look forward to it a lot. You may need to look around, calling different ones. I also found that a local hospital runs a group out of their Chaplain's office.

You are suffering not only with grief, but post-traumatic symptoms. Your mother was ill-treated, and you suffered witnessing it and being unable to change it (and the guilt that accompanies all that). You need and deserve support and professional help, even tho you have every right not to trust anyone.

I found a Facebook group that has been great support. It's called Aging Alone, and people share fears like yours, and sometimes helpful ways to cope. I hope you'll join us. Yes, you are alone. I too am alone. Why not be alone together, at least online? Take good care.

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Quilt,

We should all have concerned friends like you. Hugs! Hope it turns out well for your friend.

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Me again. The ombudsman called today. They quizzed me some and said they would look into it. Because I am not family, I will not find out the outcome. I said they could use my name etc. I'm sorry I won't be able to update you all on the outcome! Maybe I will hear in a round about way from the daughter. I didn't tell the family I reported this. They seem to trust that the nursing home will do as asked. Thank you all for posting your comments. Very helpful, all of you.

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It’s not just food. When my mom was in the nursing home for rehab they barely gave her water. They only gave a small cup of water with their meds. That’s it. Why? So they won’t pee as much, I suppose, because they are short staffed, some are exhausted, some are lazy, etc.

I would give mom water every time I was there. They don’t keep a water container by the bed for residents. Sad. How much more basic can you get than water?

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Well said. Same thing happens where my husband is. I give him water often. They used to keep a pitcher of ice water on his bed stand. Now that he has swallowing problems nothing by mouth unless staff are with him. There is never enough staff to give the amount of attention needed to quench the thirst. Sometimes I bring him coffee and add a little thickener. He always enjoys coffee, but now only gets coffee if I bring it to him and stay with him.

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IF she’s having trouble swallowing then a burger was not the right food!
IF she’s having trouble swallowing then they should be feeding her to make sure she doesn’t choke !

Sounds like a typical under staffed nursing home - without close family checking by visiting daily over meal times - and the usual bs if phone and enquire. I went regularly to check what was being given and if eating it,

Hospital was much the same - aunt went in via A&E re not eating. I went first thing next day. She had been moved to a ward. She no longer knew me as anything other than “the kind chauffeur”. I waited for the doctor - who ignored me and proceeded to try and question my aunt - after each failed reply - I’d answer the question. Then at the end as he tried to leave I said I had just one question for him. So he stopped and I asked when my aunt last ate. He couldn’t tell me. I pointed out that that was the reason for her admittance and that she had now gone at least 49 hrs without food to my knowledge ...
i visited at lunch time - she’d been moved to a side room re calling for the toilet. Above her bed was a “no fruit, no vegetables” sign. A nurse slopped a plate in front of my aunt and I called her back and pointed at the sign. The main meal was cauliflower cheese with peas and potato followed by apple crumble! I pointed out my aunt could just have the melted cheese and crumble - if she were eating then.... they said it wasn’t down to them and went. Half an hour later they took the uneaten food away. I left and came back with a flask of chicken broth, a spoon and a bowel. I poured a small amount into the bowel and gave my aunt the spoon. I talked to her and did distraction therapy and kept re filling the bowel every so often. It took a long time. I did that every day for at least 2 meals. I couldn’t do more as I was working too.

just before she returned to the home - the hospital started advertising for volunteers to feed patients - but they needed “training by the nurses” first - hmmm what in - how to ignore instructions and a non eating patient ?! Needless to say I didn’t volunteer !

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Talking to the majority of the staff at my mom's nursing home is like playing violin to a camel.

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Me again. I reported this to an ombudsman, unfortunately in the wrong county, but it has been sent to the right place. I'm hoping they will check up on this nursing home. They are supposed to call me. We will see. I also called and left them a message. Hope my friend is still with us by the time this gets sorted out. The daughter did call the nursing home, and they said they would feed her, but I'm worried they won't. She is in the Midwest and we are in Florida...so I want the ombudsman to check on the whole nursing home.

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quiltin: Okay. Please let us know what happens with the correct Ombudsman. Good luck.

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I have two contrasting experiences to share.

#1 My great aunt, following a 2-day delay during which the rank dressing on her leg ulcer was intentionally ignored - "we can't do wound care in Adult Assessment" - was admitted to a Rehabilitation Ward. She was in a bay of eight beds, the ward had a second bay of eight beds, all full, sixteen patients in total. In there for "rehabilitation." She had been prescribed codeine for her pain, but no laxative, so she was constipated, which given her injury - a pelvic hairline fracture - was agonising; and she was hallucinating but thought she was losing her mind because she had not been warned of the common side effects. On that ward, which we visited several times over several days, we saw two nurses. Count them: two. One, a Spanish-speaking lady, was tearing around like a blue-arsed fly, never stopped, always had her hands full. The other, whom I approached to ask for help for another patient but rapidly backed off, was sitting at the nurses' desk reading the job ads in the Nursing Times: we helped the patient back into bed ourselves and found her a pillow.

#2 Just before Christmas, my mother had a stroke. She was admitted through the ER to a stroke ward. It was crammed to the rafters, every bed occupied, not an hour between patients being discharged and the new arrivals. For the ten days that she was there, I visited once or usually twice daily. She was clean, her hair was brushed, her bed was tidy, her water jug was full, she was comfortable and she was helped with her modified diet. Demerits: her thickened tea looked like frogspawn, because the thickener hadn't been mixed in correctly; and the crème caramels I brought for her remained unopened in the fridge except when I gave them to her - but I wasn't complaining.

These were both massively overstretched NHS wards. If there is one single difference, it must be in the leadership of a unit. If the leader shrugs and says "oh well what can you do" then nothing will be done because the staff feel that nothing is expected of them. If the leader sees patients as the priority, the staff will not stop until the best possible has been done for those patients. It is ALL about the attitude of the leaders, and THEY are the ones who need to be held to account.

I don't mean the poor nurse or team leader in charge of the ward or the floor or the facility during a given shift, either. I mean the people whose BMWs are parked round the back, office hours only.

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Great answer, CM

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Mom was put in a hospital on one occasion. I stopped in the morning to find my mother asleep and naked half way on her bed. She was next to the nursing station. The nurse said he just got on shift and my mom was not his patient. REALLY? That is your excuse for me to find my mother naked, asleep, and not in her bed?

People, check your loved ones on a regular basis. Not feeding patient is BS. They didn't want to stand there and hand feed someone, becuase they have more patients to "feed".

I am going to see my aunt tomorrow. Thank you for waking me up.

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When my mother was in the hospital - they let her sit there with no top on in full view of people passing by. They would leave her food there, despite the fact that she, at the time, could not feed herself. Kept leaving her bed alarm off - though she has already slid out of bed and got bruised up. Then they lost her hearing aid, so her dementia got even worse and then - to top it off, one of the people who were bathing her ripped her ring off her finger ( and the nurses had said they could not even get it off)
Nursing home - complain to the ombudsman. The directors I have dealt with - well, the word rhymes with witches.

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This post is very disturbing and alarming. No one and I mean No one should be treated this way! These are the stories that scare me about putting my mother in a NH and yes, I understand that not all of them are like that. But still...

I have no good advice for you--just support!😢

What happened to human compassion in this world? Human rights?

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I have seen other CNAs place trays in front of sleeping residents, then chart the meal "REFUSED". Ridiculous. Most NHs are short on staff due to greed by the owners; too cheap to hire enough staff, and most of them don't care about the residents anyway.

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I hate to say this, but it sounds like the patient is not in a very good NH, and her family does not care about her either. None of these places are a holiday inn, but every elderly person needs an advocate or they will not be treated right.

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Based on the fact that she ate a burger, tater tots and a cookie (yogurt and banana are much softer foods), with you helping to feed her, it does NOT sound like she has a swallowing problem - that sounds like a lame excuse. On top of that, WHO would feed those things to a person with as swallowing problem?

It really sounds like they are just dropping the food off and then picking up later, noting it wasn't eaten and when questioned are blaming it on swallowing issues??? It doesn't make any sense, especially with the foods provided.

Although it should be the NH task to feed this poor woman, unless raising holy hell changes anything, she will continue to lose weight. Is there any way to find someone local who can be there at meal times to either ensure the staff feeds her or to feed her themselves? Could you and her sister alternate once/week each? I know it is a long way to go (mom's condo was about the same distance, helping her and then spending a good part of almost 2 years going there over and over to get it cleaned out, fixed and sold took a huge toll on me!) Get her son to at least show up to ensure someone feeds his mother? Is that too much to ask of him? If he is working, perhaps at least one meal/day. The daughter isn't local, but if she is the POA she needs to be the one to raise the most hell with the place. Some volunteer from a local church or senior center? Hire an aide (shouldn't need to pay for more help, but the poor woman needs to eat!) for mealtimes? Somehow someone needs to be there to at least observe what is going on. You did say they had no inkling that you were going to be there, so using the swallowing and your presence were their lame excuses. If not one is there to see, they can get away with murder (it isn't in their best interest really to lose patients, but lazy is as lazy does and there is a lot of lazy in the US these days!)

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Boy is that no joke! Laziness seems to be the norm!

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Me again. Thanks so much for your comments. I have actually worked as a CNA but in homes. This lady I visited has been a friend for 35 or more years. I did take care of her for about 2 years 3 shifts a week, two hours at a time. She is now about 107 lbs according to what the nurses told her daughter. She was tall, maybe 5' 10" and was never a small woman. She is about 85, and has some confusion, but not extreme. She can carry on a conversation, but now trails off on the sentence. Can't stick up for herself. But had Absolutly no problems swallowing. I wish I was closer, I would stop every day. There are no volunteer s in this nursing home.

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I'd be talking to the Administrator of the facility, then to DHS/APS for follow up. My godmother always had meds in her bed and on her bedside table and she wasn't getting "better". I spoke to the DON of the facility and informed her I was a nurse and that they better "rethink" how they were dealing with my godmother. That was many years ago, and I didn't know about DHS stuff then ( early '80s). Now that I know, I pass along that I don't play. Shape it up, or pay the consequences--their call.

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There is a Standard Side to a Nursing home, Health Related(Just needs some assistance and Skilled Nursing, which needs help)Depending on what side, no Matter though which, a GOOD NURSE AID will know if their own patient needs help in this area or any Other area while under their own care, the nurses too. Go and talk to a Nurse, Supervisor and Help your Friend. This is unprofessional, In my own book.

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Speak to the Ombudsman of the facility and voice your concerns.

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You need to go online and type in
Ombudsman for elder care
Also go to
Long term care licensing
I had a problem at a nursing home and my sister made complaints and the home was fined and staff had to go to trading classes
You must be very specific as to what happened
please for your friend and others who can’t speak for themselves contact someone

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Yes I too was referred from ombudsman to Dept of Health-Licensing and Certification division. He took my report on the phone and submitted it same day. I’m glad I write everything down because it’s a lot to keep track of. With everyone so quick to accuse a caregiver of not doing their best, Elder Facilities should be under a microscope ESPECIALLY considering how much they cost!!!!!

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The nursing home should evaluate the resident upon admission and frequently reassess patient’s needs. Occupational therapists, speech therapists will document the patients need in their care plan. A CNA needs to be assigned if the patient requires the help feeding.

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Our mother is in MC/AL and THEY do an assessment every 6 months! Any changes in ability are noted. One would think it would be the same in a NH, but apparently not...

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I agree that nursing homes are very understaffed. Also, at the facility my mom was at served the same food to everyone, whether they were a heart patient, diabetic or whatever. Also one time I was visiting my mom and her water pitcher was on the piece of furniture next to the bed and she couldn't reach it. I complained about that and they did correct the problem.

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God, I feel sick just reading that... But it's wonderful you were there to give her the food. If it were me, I would keep notes, talk to nurse supervisor (or family if lady has any). Also visit & feed the poor thing as you are able. Is there any possibility of assigning a volunteer to feed her at least once a day? I would go there myself to help you if I cud. Now I feel I'd better get my arse down to the nursing home here, & find out if I can do what you did. God bless you friend. 😰

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This happens far too frequently.

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Did you report to the family what you observed? It's possible NH is keeping them informed via phone calls and they haven't seen what you have. She may be ill, but part of her problem may be nutrition and just laying there without any assistance.

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had the same issue with nursing home my parents were in. they just walked in dropped off the tray and left. when I was there my dad ate his whole plate but when I didn't get there on time, his plate was not even uncovered . getting him out of the bed was another issue. they left him undressed without even a diaper on laying in pee often, and many issues more.
I finally got them to feed my dad each meal every day. filing a complaint against them I am sure helped.
I understand that they are always understaffed but that is no excuse . I have seen so many people in the home with plates that weren't even touched because they couldn't do it themselves.
this is so wrong. I am not saying all staff members are no good, but a lot of them just don't care. they are there to collect a paycheck that's it.
the final straw was when I got there one day my dad had bruises and cuts all around his neck as if someone was chocking him. the supervisors couldn't imagine where it came from she said. I couldn't leave my dad and mom in that place any longer. in my opinion, it was all pure neglect.. I packed their bags called an ambulate and took them to my house. they did so much better and gained weight....

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You should have called that nursing home and given them a piece of your mind. You could have also told them to go out of business; I had a cousin who was mistreated in a nursing home and I would make calls to them all the time telling them you don't know beans about operating a nursing home and you all need to go out of business

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Her care plan should reflect her needs and the nursing home is obligated to meet her needs. Your friend could ask for a care plan meeting to discuss what she currently needs so an updated plan can be developed for her care. If she is having trouble swallowing, nursing could get an order from her doctor for a swallowing evaluation. This would determine what type of food and liquids she would need for her to eat safely such as ground meet, pureed food, thickened liquids. Not eating the right consistency of food can cause food to get into the lungs and turn into pneumonia. Nursing also should be contacted about staff leaving her to her on her own to eat. How cruel to sit food in front of someone when they don't have the ability to feed themselves. Carrying out these recommendations are contingent upon the resident giving perrmission or being in agreement.

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Um.....how can the friend have a careplab meeting when she’s neither family, POA or guardian? Are you saying that anyone can call a careplan & dicuss the care of a resident? That doesn’t sound right.....

editing to add-thanks cwillie! I initially misread and thought ombudsman was telling the OP to have a care plan meeting! My apologizes!

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I visited a friend in a nursing home yesterday and they brought her dinner, and left it. Is this standard practice?

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