I want to move my Mom in my home but my husband does not. What do I do?

You ARE feeling guilty, but you should not be. She needs 24/7 care that no one person is capable of doing. Throw the guilt away. Your husband is being honest and upfront with you and you took a vow many years ago to leave your parents and the two shall become one. Break the vow and you may lose the man. Visit mom weekly and you will be doing 99% more than most children do. I have often looked at the sign in book where my MIL lives. 80 residents and if there are ten signatures for a day it is a lot. Always the same ten people. That means 70 out of 80 are not visited much. You go there and she will show you off like the trophy you are. Nothing like bragging rights.

If your husband does not want your mother living with you, then she should not live with you. You can visit her frequently in the nursing home, where they can take good care of her. The dementia, incontinence, and lack of mobility would make caring for her a 24/7 job. You would not have enough time left for yourself or the rest of your family. Your husband is a wise men, so please do listen to him.

You are just feeling guilty and not thinking clearly. Bringing Mom into your home might ease your guilt, but it would cause a whole host of other bad feelings. The guilt is irrational -- you did not earn it. It would be a serious mistake to let it drive decisions.

Placing your Mom where she can be appropriately cared for is not a guilty action. "Dumping" her somewhere is. Why don't you use some of the energy and time you would devote to her if she were in your home to devoting to her in the NH? How far from you is the nursing home? Would it be practical to visit several times a week? Short visits are OK. Keep an eye on the level of care she is getting. Make friends with her regular nurse and caregivers. Eat meals with her occasionally. Bring in scrapbooks to look at with her. My mother is in a nursing home, but I certainly didn't "dump" her there. If you are feeling like you did dump your mom and there is some basis in fact for that feeling, then remedy that by paying her more attention where she is. If you are already doing that, then, please, force those guilt feelings out of the decision process.

More than your husband saying no, I think you stated the real heart of the matter at the very end of your paragraph saying, " It is so painful to accept that my mom is in a nursing home." Sounds to me like lack of acceptance that your mother needs to be there is driving the guilt about her being there and the desire to bring her home.

Have you and your husband discussed how much of a struggle it has been over these past four years to accept that your mother is where she needs to be? He might already be aware of it, but I think it would be good to talk about it. I believe he's accepted that is where she needs to be and is aware that the two of you cannot run your own nursing home as two people at home.

I would also suggest seeing a therapist about your struggle and pain over accepting that this is where your mother needs to be. Take care and keep in touch.

My mom is in a NH, as is yours. They are there because it has been determined that THAT is the level of care they need. Our moms are not being dumped there, we visit, we keep track of their needs, we take them special things. If you have toxic people in your life who question this medically - based decision, either dump them or get yourself to therapy to learn how to deflect their idiocies.

Your mom is much better off in the n h. I'll be so happy and relieved of worry when I get my folks in assited living. I have more guilt now with them struggling along at home. Do you expect your children to give up their lives and take care of you in their home. Think about it........

You are feeling guilty, as we all do from time to time, wondering if we could be doing more to make a parent happy. But Pam is right, all of these answers are right. If your mother is in a NH where they are giving her 24/7 care and it is clean and she has others her age to talk to, she is better off. Once a senior is with peers, if the place makes it possible for social activities, it is healthier. It is not healthy for your marriage to bring your mother home. Your husband has been honest with you, and he needs to be your primary. Caring for a parent 24/7 will definitely impact your lives and he has indicated he does not want that.

Nora, I see from your profile that your Mom has Alzheimer's/Dementia. If you move your Mom into your home, are you ready to make your home be like a nursing home? Since your Mom is in a wheelchair, that would mean making all the doorways in your home larger to fit a wheelchair through. I have read on these forums here where some made their dining room or living room into a nursing home room because their Mom or Dad needed 24 hour watching.

It also means if she is wheelchair bound, that you or your husband would need to carry her to the bathroom for daily showers since she is incontinent and help her with her showers which she might not want..... are you strong enough to do that on a daily basis? And to be able to change her Depends as she lays in bed? And be able to lift her to put her into a wheelchair?

Are you able to be a Caregiver 168 hours per week? You would be doing the job of three caregivers, who each work an 8-hour shift, who get to go home and have a good night sleep to be refreshed in the morning. Could you get by on just a couple hours of sleep per night?

Could you do all the above for the next 5 to 10 years? No more dinners out with hubby... or vacations. Unless you hire 3 full-time caregivers during the week, and 3 more full-time caregivers to work the weekends and hopefully holidays.

Think about it this way, do you want to be her "daughter", or do you want to be her "Caregiver"... it is very difficult to be both.

my Advice would be don't do it. If your husband dosent want this, it will probably end badly. Your WHOLE life will be consumed by mom. Everything you do every minute of every day WILL be consumed by your mother. That's not fair to your husband. He married you not you AND your mother. Don't want to sound harsh, but its the truth, It takes a toll on the happiest of couples . even those that both agreed, throw in the fact hes against it and its a disaster waiting to happen.

Your mom is accustomed to being there. Do not move her as moving often causes a rapid decline. As others have said, visit as often as you can, and relieve yourself of the guilt you are feeling.

Your mom has been in the nursing home for 4 years, and suddenly you have guilt? Something deeper drives this anxiety and guilt. Has something traumatic occurred in your life, death of a friend, sudden illness, to precipitate this attack? I am afraid only a therapist will be able to get to the bottom of it. Bringing your mom home won't cure the anxiety. It is a disaster to move a dementia patient, not to mention cruel to upset her routine. I suggest concentrate on making her stay at the home as wonderful as possible.

Your husband is a wise man. This would disrupt his life and yours. Plus, your mom's care would be enormous.

Today is my mother's 96th birthday. She has been in the NH for 2 years. My sister tried to care for her and the stress contributed to her death, a day before her 70th birthday. But, mom is healthy and happy. Go figure.

Gladimhere is so right! We just moved my mother from IL to AL and she took a turn for the worse, more confused, more unhappy, hardly eats, etc. I wouldn't upset your mother by moving her into your home - because if she has dementia, she is only going to get worse, and then you will have to eventually move her back to the nursing home. Moving them is really traumatic.

Very traumatic for everybody, especially if it turns out to be a bad decision!

DO NOT DO IT, You say your mother has dementia and clearly a hospt of other things. Right now she may be sweet and smiling but imagine she gets to a stage of demanding constant attention, critisizing everything you try to do, screaming when you try and move her, sleeping all day and awake all night banging on the bed rails, putting her hands in the depends and smearing poop everywhere. Your whole house will smell like a cow barn. o you get the picture? I say cow barn rather than horse barn because I love the smell of those. I can stand there all day breathing in the smell of horse, clean shavings and leather. your husband wants and needs a wife not some waorn out drudge who hasn't changed out of her pjs in days and forgot the last time she had her hair done. no fun. Don't expect mom would want that for you either. She is settled leave her be.

You have a good heart and you are a genuinely caring person. Unless you could afford to hire a live-in caregiver, I think I would agree what mostly has been recommended here ..allbeit some in a pull-no-punches style, but I suppose that is meant to bring the realities of caregiving to light and not to offend your sense of loyalty.

I say don't move her. Your husband is right.

Things are just going to get worse from here. Now, she's incontinent and such and you're already worried that you can't take care of her. This isn't really a question. I think you really just need to "hear" us all tell you that she's best off where she is. Unless you have any doubts about the facility she's in, I mean. Otherwise, this is really just you wanting to get a little soothing because you already recognize it's not going to work to take her to your home.

You can't get rid of the guilt so you just have to do your best to live with it. The best way to spend your time is to make sure the facility she's in is giving her the best care that is available to her and to visit her as often as you feel is appropriate for both of you.

You may have a daughterly concern as well as misplaced care .... but this is beyond your pay grade. You can love your mother and the best way to do that is by letting her live where they can provide all the care that she needs in terms of assistance and medical/physical and nutritional. You are not a certified alzheimer's caregiver, LPN, RN, NA etc etc. You are her daughter. You can give her things they can't...like time, love, attention and presence. Go see her daily if that is what can bring you peace and know you are part of a "team" if you will of the care she receives. But you provide the touch, love and spiritual part of her care. Read to her, go down memory road with her, play music for her, pray with her, there are many things you can do other than be her care provider. You need to listen to your husband's concerns. If you do this without his support, not only are you telling him that he doesn't matter, but you might build a wall of resentment that might never heal. You moving your mom there is for all the wrong reasons...they are coming from within you and not for her best interests. You should see a therapist to sort this out if it is beyond you to understand why you want to do this. You are also not respecting your husband's boundaries if you proceed and actually may be harming not only your mom, but your health and your marriage. Think long and hard about this and where the intention comes from. Bless you for caring...put the care in the right perspective.

On a very pragmatic note, the nursing home doctor may not consider her a safe discharge given the level of care she needs.

The nursing home social worker might talk with you about your pain concerning accepting that your mom is in a nursing home and needs to be there. She might be able to recommend a support group or a good therapist for your to talk with about this issue.

Nora, in what way do you feel that your mother is "ready" to return from a nursing home, where there are whole teams of people and a full range of facilities to assist her, to an ordinary domestic house where there's just you?

You didn't make her any rash promises back in the day, did you?

She's been in the NH for four years; so I'm just wondering what it is that makes you feel you have to change things now. What's improved that makes you believe you could care for her properly and safely when you couldn't before?

The thing is, I'm coming at this from her angle. I'm sure she'd rather be "at home" than in care, wouldn't we all; but she wouldn't prefer the pig's ear you'd be likely to make of changing, washing and dressing her; she wouldn't prefer the tears and arguments; and she especially wouldn't like the serious injuries that can result from well-intentioned people making ordinary, human mistakes. With no practice, no run-up, no rehearsals, I just don't believe you could care safely for your mother - even if your husband were wholly in favour of the idea.

So don't make your husband the bad guy. He has not only his own and your family life at heart, he's also right about what's best for your mother. Spend the time and temper you save not having her in your face the whole time enjoying her company and improving her quality of life where she is, instead.

Please listen to the good voices of experience here. Do not move your mother in with you. It sounds like like your mother is at the stage where she needs a level of care that just can't be provided in most homes. My mother moved in with us a few years ago. She is relatively healthy for 87 (though not according to her) and fairly self-sufficient. My husband supported my choice to do this. I think that part of me thought that we would develop a closer, 'friends' relationship and be able to spend quality time together (picture us laughing in the kitchen as we cook, or some such ideal). That is not the case. She is in bad spirits most of the time, constantly critical of me, though my husband is a perfect and can do no wrong. Whatever you are looking for in moving her in probably just won't happen. Spend quality time at the NH with her when you can, then go home. It is an emotional separation that you need to build.

Ditto. Do Not Move Her In. Period.
Your husband and family are your priority.
I do not think you can keep up with the demands of an alzheimers/dementia patient, nor should you try.

Your question poses the opposite what many posters on this cite ask. After 4 years of NH care with multiple aides & nurses caring for your mom around the clock, do you really think you can do this in your home? I think your husband knows the answer, listen to him & heed the sound advise here.

I agree with all the posts. Ultimately its your decision but I think you would live to regret it. You didn't state in your post that your Mom was unhappy in the nursing home. Is she? If she is and thats why you feel this sudden guilt, try to make it better for her at the nursing home. As others have said, visit her more often, spend quality time there with her.

Yes, you need to listen to your husband if you love him. Your mother is terminal. She will not be getting any better. Stop the guilt trip on yourself, and she is not being "housed" as you put it in a nursing home. She is being cared for by professionals who can give her the care without adding subjective emotions into her care. She will be better off there and you two can visit when you want. This is your mother, not your husband's and he is not bound to have her live with you both.

It seems clear you love your mother dearly. Although your mother is in a nursing home you are still her caregiver. Family caregivers are like parents and as such we want to make everything alright in our loved one's life. Its part of your connection to your mother it's part of your bond. It is also why you have these feelings of guilt. However, you need to ask yourself if bringing your mother home is what's best for her or what's best for you. The amount of attention and care required to take care of your mother at home is clearly defined in the other posts. I manage an in-home care provider agency can say it would require three outside support caregivers (96 hrs/week) for you and your husband to receive proper night’s rest and enjoy minimum respite. My best advice regarding your feelings of guilt is to focus your attention on your mother's care in the nursing home. Use some of the activities suggested above to make the time you spend with her quality time. If possible, both you and your husband can perhaps share these visits together so you do not feel alone in overseeing her care. That may be a bond I encourage strengthening.

It is all about what is best for Mom and not about your feelings. Find a therapist to talk out your misplaced sense of guilt. Enjoy the time you spend with Mom, knowing she is receiving the care needed. 24/7 care is physically and emotionally impossible for one person and Mom needs everything done for her. She is in a good place. If friends and family are making you feel guilty then you need to dump them.

I am responsible for both my parents at once. Dad is placed in Memory Care. Mom is at home with early dementia, and now with caregivers, after a week in the hospital. In the beginning, when Dad was placed, I was plagued with the guilt, because both parents are repeated said that they wanted to be in their home and never go to a facility. But when Dad got bad, Mom couldn't handle him. She had a fractured back and was up and around with a walker. I live 5 hours away, and no other family lived in their town. You must come to grips that our responsibility for our elderly parents is first and foremost to KEEP THEM SAFE! It took a lot of talking from a case manager to get that through to me, and I am a retired RN. But, with a husband at home and a home business and being as old as I am....I could not move in with them and take on being their care taker or RN. I could ONLY coordinate care, pay the bills, keep tabs on them etc. And, until Dad was placed....and now again with Mom being worse....there was...IS....no time to just be their daughter. There IS no fun time when I travel to them. It is rush, rush rush, from meeting to meeting; clean out a storage room, do all sorts of little things Mom has been saving up for me to do...barely an hour or two a day to go visit with Dad. 5 hours sleep at night, because I cannot get on computer to check business emails and orders etc, until either she's asleep or early in the AM before she's up. VERY HARD....and I am NOT a full time caregiver at all! My advice, after my experience, is to get some counseling and get in touch with this fact that your role is to be a daughter and a coordinator of care. Your ultimate job is to be sure your MOM is safe...and with dementia in the picture....my advice is that this is NOT something you can safely do in your own home with only you as the caregiver. Dementia patients wander all night sometimes, they get agitated and yell, hit throw things and need meds during that timeframe, sometimes they do dangerous things like try to cook in the middle of the night and start fires on the stove, or wander out of the house and get lost. Most end up needing to be in a locked facility, so to have Mom at home, you would need to have all doors and windows alarmed because if she got out, she doesn't have the working brain to make good decisions. If she is wheel chair bound, then that will be a LOT of physical care, and, as I said, I am a retired RN, now 70 yrs old. I could NOT at this age do that physical care 24/7! Dementia patients are like having a constant 3 yr old child. And they only go downhill from that point. They do not get better! Eventually she would need to be fed, in addition to all else mentioned by others. And her nutrition monitored, and her intake monitored. When would you ever go to the store, or your own doc or dentist, or to dinner with her husband alone? Unless she has the money to cover caregivers coming into your home for regular hours, this is NOT a wise thing to consider. She is SAFE where she is. You can go visit and be a daughter. I assume you could take her out for lunch or to visit friends and bring her back....but if she's in a W/C, even that is hard. It was very hard for me, just for a few days every couple weeks, to have to take my mother AND her walker in and out of the car, when she had to use that. Very physically taxing. AND...lastly, as several others said....you are married to your husband. His needs and wants come first now, and he is expressing concerns not to do this....either out of concern for your own well being or concerns that your marriage relationship be maintained. You really do need to listen to him. Make a list of pros and cons and see which side is the longest list!

Do you have POA for both legal and medical? If there are any family members, are you prepared to keep very good financial records. Are you prepared to give up any social life you have? Are you prepared to stay home with no nights off, no vacations, very little or no privacy? Are you prepared to lose your husband, sooner or later, and face a messy divorce with an abundance of court hearings, who's going to watch her then? Or can you afford to have 24/7 care in your home, most can not? If any of these answers are no, don't even consider it. As long as she is comfortable, safe, well taken take of and content, visit her as much as you wish and leave well enough alone.