I want to move my Mom in my home but my husband does not. What do I do?

Look into Medicaid now. They will take all her assets but the next time she goes into hosp as long as it is for three days she can got to rehab and be transitioned to nursing home. I don't think assisted living will work for her at this point. As a RN you probably have never cared for dementia patients but she is showing signs. i know it is not a big subject in nursing school and as your husband is 60 i assume you too are getting close to retirement. Take care of your self.

lfd1055, my husband (dementia) was not too keen on going to an adult day program either, but I insisted that I was doing everything I could to keep him home with me, and he had to do his part, too, so I would have times I could make my own appointments and go into my work. He went about 3 years, 2 or 3 days a week. They picked him up and returned him. He could have breakfast there and they always had a hot lunch. For an extra charge they helped people shower or clipped their toenails. I can't say enough good things about the program. He continued to claim he didn't like going, but he liked the day the nurse read a chapter to them each week, and he liked when people shared their vacation slides, and he was pleased the year he was crowned Winter Carnival King. He liked going out on field trips. It was good to have other adults to notice his new shirt and to tell him he did something well. He skipped a lot of their activities -- they had nice recliners to sit and read. So though he claimed not to like it it was good for him, and it was also gave him something he could feel he was contributing to his own care.

I don't think I'd present the Adult Day Program as an option. It is something she has to do in order to interact with other adults and for you to have some time to yourselves.

We also tried the senior center. Its location wasn't practical for us and they had no transportation. But through the senior center my husband got hooked up with a senior bowling league, which he loved, that met once a week all year round.

Leave no stone unturned in finding stimulation for MIL outside of your home!

LFD, here you go from Agingcare: https://www.agingcare.com/local/Mullica-Hill-Adult-Day-Care-NJ

thank you Futurecure!

gladimhere - sorry new to this and not sure how it works, i responded somewhere else but i don't know where it went. My MIL 94, never worked outside of home, never drove a car. My husband and I married 33 years (this fri) and my FIL died the 1st year we were married. She was able to live on her own in her own house for all these years. He assisted with everything, paying her bills, getting things fixed, taking her to docs and food shopping. She's always been alert not a ball of fire by any means. She isolated herself from the world and besides my husband and 2 nieces she would actually be a hermit. She had bad eyes, bad ears and 2 years ago envisioned this episode where men were in her house cutting the door, hanging Christmas lights and singing. She went to hospital, no uti, nothing bad and spent time there and then to rehab. Wanted to come home,the only way we told her she could if she got the cataracts fixed. she agreed. annoyed me immensely that we had to get her to agree to take care of herself. Anyways, she came home did well, we got her a parakeet something to talk to and then this past Jan it happened again, she was reliving an trip to a graduation of her nieces daughter but it was 15 years ago. my husband went to her house, he entire bed was wrapped up and she was sitting waiting for a ride. Off to hospital, a little dehydration, actually new onset afib, and to rehab and then she was afraid to go home always insisting that those 2 stores happened. So she can't hear won't wear hearing aid and sometimes i think her mind plays tricks on her and she dreams or makes these stories up. when she has constant interaction then the stories are either non existent or not much of anything. the other thing is MIL has never taken a shower or tub bath or been in ocean or pool. She has always been afraid of water and my husband who will be 60 this year said she has always washed out of the sink. now she's not even doing that. she has no money so we were waiting to sell her house in order to get her possibly into an extended care. She can only afford a 1 year pay out before we would have to apply for medicaid. some of these extended care are 2 year pay but she doesn't have enough. The problem is she will not want to go....so i said we will try this adult day care cause we can't drop everything in our lives to take care of her. my husband has literally been a saint. I on the other hand don't know how long i can do it. i am a RN been working all extra shifts just to be away from home! so if anyone knows about adult day cares,please let me know your experience! she won't like it but oh well, we all have to do things we don't like!

Please feel no guilt having your Mom with professional caregivers who can provide the services she needs around the clock. Visit her as often as you can and cherish those moments. Your husband is a wise man, I think he realizes the toll it will take on you and your relationship with him. If you are confident your Mom is receiving good care where she is - go with it. You won't regret it.

Sorry that was for a different post... No coffe yet

Wow. Caregiving is a tough undertaking and doing it 24 7 with full time jobs... God Bless. You are a truly wonderful person for taking this on and should be appreciated for this. Seems quite unfair to you to be ignored when asking for something back that had been yours. Your mother in laws needs have been met and so too should yours. My mother has parkinsons dementia alzheimer, diagnosed with it all and i can tell you with all her medications and doctors.. Her adult daycare classes have done more for her than anything. My mother was a nurse and teaching nurse and a bit stubborn to say the least about going. But when we get her to go she loves it... She acts totally different with them too she seems happier. Now there are some tricks we have to use to get her there she has dementia and forgets she likes it. We told her she is going to teach and help out volunteer, weve told her doctors orders to keep her from getting worse. Adult daycares do have transportation. I would not make this an option you and your husband know whats good for her thats why she is living with you.. Let her know have your husband tell her to trust him that he knows this would be helpful. If this would all make everyone happier... Why not give it a try. Good luck to u and i hope it works out for you. This can be something that would prolong the nursing home since it does help in soooo many ways. You are on your husbands side by wanting the best for her i hope he can come to his senses and insist upon it. My dad and i walk on eggshells ever class day but once she goes its a big relief and hear such good reports about her. God Bless you and yours!

You have NO idea what your asking for. Frankly, I don't know what you're thinking beyond a serious attack of conscience. Your husband's "no" wins. That's not ONLY because his cooler head should be respected,but also because it would be impossible for you to provide a safe and loving home for mom with a spouse who wasn't 100% committed right along with you. You mean well. You're wrong.

lfd, just reread your post. If she is imagining things it may be dementia or another type of infection that causes increased confusion in the elderly. Take her to the doctor talk about all of the sorts of things she imagines. She could be in early stages of dementia and needs to be screened and tested. Poor hygiene is also indicative of dementia.

lfd you are wise MIL needs outside activities. Your profile says that the only issue is hearing loss. Is there anything else going on with her, perhaps dementia? Day care is an excellent option but maybe taking her to a senior center rather than day care would work. Does your husband work or is he home through the day. While he is gone who provides the care? I am sure that is alao your responsibility. Why did she move to your home rather than assisted or even independent living which may be an option particularly if hearing is the only problem.

I know it must be exhausting for all of MIL's stimulation to be arranged by you and/or hubby. If she does not have dementia give her the ultimatum that either she finds some activities or she needs to go to a senior facility. She is 94 and I am sure that she needs help. Does she need assistance with medication or a shower? If you need time away that hubby isn't able to do and she needs monitoring then get an agency caregiver in so you both have breaks.

My main question to you is why, if she only has hearing loss, did she move in with you. If you want that to change, the sooner the better. There may be senior communities near you that would allow her to participate in activities so she can start to make friends.

Her hygiene is bad? What do you mean? Most elderly do not bathe daily usually just once or twice a week.

My 94 year old mother in law has been with us for 11 weeks now. My husband is an only child and up until this year she lived on her own. She is very unsocial, never had a friend outside of her niece who does help my husband as much as she can. My mother in law and I were never close so this is difficult on me. The doctor said in Jan. that she really shouldn't be on her own anymore. We had to clean her house out, she saved everything can't even go there on how disgustingly dirty it was and just sold it last week. She is healthy, no real medical problems, funny since she never had a colonoscopy or a mammogram and the last time she was gyn doctor was 60 years ago when my husband was born! We both work full time, our 2nd daughter will start be entering her last year of college. The issue with my mother in law is if she gets stimulation than she is good. If she doesn't than she starts to imagine things. Sometimes not really sure if this is on purpose for added attention or not. She has always been a loner doesn't like to do anything , go anywhere. She is not good at hygiene either. My husband is a saint taking care of her, she has no idea how lucky or fortunate she is. I would like her to go to an adult day care 2 or 3 days a week. He says she will never do it. I say if she wants to stay in our house then she we tell her she doesn't have an option she needs to socilaize and we can't do it all the time. We had this great life and now she is here I hate to be mean but we're getting older and have lots of things that we want to do and now she is here and until the day she goes into an assisted living or nursing home she should have to help us out also. Any information on adult day cares out there?

Can you do Sunday morning to Monday evenings in your home? That would be a one sleep over a week to satisfy your guilt. I hear your heart but I also understand that hubby may feel that he will be overly tasked.

You already know that there is no cure for dementia. Guilt only means you are a caring person. If your other half in life, your husband, has decided it wouldnt be a good idea for your mother to come live with you, I would honor his decision. You can have both, visits with your mother and the life you live with your husband. My mother has Parkinsons Dementia Alzheimers has been diagnosed with it all. My parents moved closer to us so we can all assist in her care. Even with 5 of us helping I feel it is still important for home care too. Family tends to be easy on them so they take advantage. Try to enjoy being with her and knowing she is cared for when you are not there. Good Luck to you and God Bless.

Good for you Nora! When you see you Mom, tell her you love her, enjoy your moments and know you have made a decision that is best for both of you. She has been there four years and has a well established comfortable routine and friends and everything is familiar and predictable for her and that is so important for dementia patients. To her, by now, it is her home. Take comfort in that.

Once again, I'm so grateful for all of your responses. This site has sincerely changed my life. I'm so lucky to have found it. All of the experience and logical answers are exactly what I need to hear. You are all truly loving people and I know you are right when you say that Im not able to provide care for my mom. Her condition requires way more than a daughter alone could handle. I'm finally, after 4 yrs of guilt and suffering a broken heart, accepting my mom is where she needs to be and that I have a life that needs to be lived. I'm finally feeling good about caring for her in the nursing home, something I couldn't do before. Thank you so much, every one of you.

Do you have POA for both legal and medical? If there are any family members, are you prepared to keep very good financial records. Are you prepared to give up any social life you have? Are you prepared to stay home with no nights off, no vacations, very little or no privacy? Are you prepared to lose your husband, sooner or later, and face a messy divorce with an abundance of court hearings, who's going to watch her then? Or can you afford to have 24/7 care in your home, most can not? If any of these answers are no, don't even consider it. As long as she is comfortable, safe, well taken take of and content, visit her as much as you wish and leave well enough alone.

I am responsible for both my parents at once. Dad is placed in Memory Care. Mom is at home with early dementia, and now with caregivers, after a week in the hospital. In the beginning, when Dad was placed, I was plagued with the guilt, because both parents are repeated said that they wanted to be in their home and never go to a facility. But when Dad got bad, Mom couldn't handle him. She had a fractured back and was up and around with a walker. I live 5 hours away, and no other family lived in their town. You must come to grips that our responsibility for our elderly parents is first and foremost to KEEP THEM SAFE! It took a lot of talking from a case manager to get that through to me, and I am a retired RN. But, with a husband at home and a home business and being as old as I am....I could not move in with them and take on being their care taker or RN. I could ONLY coordinate care, pay the bills, keep tabs on them etc. And, until Dad was placed....and now again with Mom being worse....there was...IS....no time to just be their daughter. There IS no fun time when I travel to them. It is rush, rush rush, from meeting to meeting; clean out a storage room, do all sorts of little things Mom has been saving up for me to do...barely an hour or two a day to go visit with Dad. 5 hours sleep at night, because I cannot get on computer to check business emails and orders etc, until either she's asleep or early in the AM before she's up. VERY HARD....and I am NOT a full time caregiver at all! My advice, after my experience, is to get some counseling and get in touch with this fact that your role is to be a daughter and a coordinator of care. Your ultimate job is to be sure your MOM is safe...and with dementia in the picture....my advice is that this is NOT something you can safely do in your own home with only you as the caregiver. Dementia patients wander all night sometimes, they get agitated and yell, hit throw things and need meds during that timeframe, sometimes they do dangerous things like try to cook in the middle of the night and start fires on the stove, or wander out of the house and get lost. Most end up needing to be in a locked facility, so to have Mom at home, you would need to have all doors and windows alarmed because if she got out, she doesn't have the working brain to make good decisions. If she is wheel chair bound, then that will be a LOT of physical care, and, as I said, I am a retired RN, now 70 yrs old. I could NOT at this age do that physical care 24/7! Dementia patients are like having a constant 3 yr old child. And they only go downhill from that point. They do not get better! Eventually she would need to be fed, in addition to all else mentioned by others. And her nutrition monitored, and her intake monitored. When would you ever go to the store, or your own doc or dentist, or to dinner with her husband alone? Unless she has the money to cover caregivers coming into your home for regular hours, this is NOT a wise thing to consider. She is SAFE where she is. You can go visit and be a daughter. I assume you could take her out for lunch or to visit friends and bring her back....but if she's in a W/C, even that is hard. It was very hard for me, just for a few days every couple weeks, to have to take my mother AND her walker in and out of the car, when she had to use that. Very physically taxing. AND...lastly, as several others said....you are married to your husband. His needs and wants come first now, and he is expressing concerns not to do this....either out of concern for your own well being or concerns that your marriage relationship be maintained. You really do need to listen to him. Make a list of pros and cons and see which side is the longest list!

It is all about what is best for Mom and not about your feelings. Find a therapist to talk out your misplaced sense of guilt. Enjoy the time you spend with Mom, knowing she is receiving the care needed. 24/7 care is physically and emotionally impossible for one person and Mom needs everything done for her. She is in a good place. If friends and family are making you feel guilty then you need to dump them.

It seems clear you love your mother dearly. Although your mother is in a nursing home you are still her caregiver. Family caregivers are like parents and as such we want to make everything alright in our loved one's life. Its part of your connection to your mother it's part of your bond. It is also why you have these feelings of guilt. However, you need to ask yourself if bringing your mother home is what's best for her or what's best for you. The amount of attention and care required to take care of your mother at home is clearly defined in the other posts. I manage an in-home care provider agency can say it would require three outside support caregivers (96 hrs/week) for you and your husband to receive proper night’s rest and enjoy minimum respite. My best advice regarding your feelings of guilt is to focus your attention on your mother's care in the nursing home. Use some of the activities suggested above to make the time you spend with her quality time. If possible, both you and your husband can perhaps share these visits together so you do not feel alone in overseeing her care. That may be a bond I encourage strengthening.

Yes, you need to listen to your husband if you love him. Your mother is terminal. She will not be getting any better. Stop the guilt trip on yourself, and she is not being "housed" as you put it in a nursing home. She is being cared for by professionals who can give her the care without adding subjective emotions into her care. She will be better off there and you two can visit when you want. This is your mother, not your husband's and he is not bound to have her live with you both.

I agree with all the posts. Ultimately its your decision but I think you would live to regret it. You didn't state in your post that your Mom was unhappy in the nursing home. Is she? If she is and thats why you feel this sudden guilt, try to make it better for her at the nursing home. As others have said, visit her more often, spend quality time there with her.

Your question poses the opposite what many posters on this cite ask. After 4 years of NH care with multiple aides & nurses caring for your mom around the clock, do you really think you can do this in your home? I think your husband knows the answer, listen to him & heed the sound advise here.

Ditto. Do Not Move Her In. Period.
Your husband and family are your priority.
I do not think you can keep up with the demands of an alzheimers/dementia patient, nor should you try.

Please listen to the good voices of experience here. Do not move your mother in with you. It sounds like like your mother is at the stage where she needs a level of care that just can't be provided in most homes. My mother moved in with us a few years ago. She is relatively healthy for 87 (though not according to her) and fairly self-sufficient. My husband supported my choice to do this. I think that part of me thought that we would develop a closer, 'friends' relationship and be able to spend quality time together (picture us laughing in the kitchen as we cook, or some such ideal). That is not the case. She is in bad spirits most of the time, constantly critical of me, though my husband is a perfect and can do no wrong. Whatever you are looking for in moving her in probably just won't happen. Spend quality time at the NH with her when you can, then go home. It is an emotional separation that you need to build.

Nora, in what way do you feel that your mother is "ready" to return from a nursing home, where there are whole teams of people and a full range of facilities to assist her, to an ordinary domestic house where there's just you?

You didn't make her any rash promises back in the day, did you?

She's been in the NH for four years; so I'm just wondering what it is that makes you feel you have to change things now. What's improved that makes you believe you could care for her properly and safely when you couldn't before?

The thing is, I'm coming at this from her angle. I'm sure she'd rather be "at home" than in care, wouldn't we all; but she wouldn't prefer the pig's ear you'd be likely to make of changing, washing and dressing her; she wouldn't prefer the tears and arguments; and she especially wouldn't like the serious injuries that can result from well-intentioned people making ordinary, human mistakes. With no practice, no run-up, no rehearsals, I just don't believe you could care safely for your mother - even if your husband were wholly in favour of the idea.

So don't make your husband the bad guy. He has not only his own and your family life at heart, he's also right about what's best for your mother. Spend the time and temper you save not having her in your face the whole time enjoying her company and improving her quality of life where she is, instead.

On a very pragmatic note, the nursing home doctor may not consider her a safe discharge given the level of care she needs.

The nursing home social worker might talk with you about your pain concerning accepting that your mom is in a nursing home and needs to be there. She might be able to recommend a support group or a good therapist for your to talk with about this issue.

You may have a daughterly concern as well as misplaced care .... but this is beyond your pay grade. You can love your mother and the best way to do that is by letting her live where they can provide all the care that she needs in terms of assistance and medical/physical and nutritional. You are not a certified alzheimer's caregiver, LPN, RN, NA etc etc. You are her daughter. You can give her things they can't...like time, love, attention and presence. Go see her daily if that is what can bring you peace and know you are part of a "team" if you will of the care she receives. But you provide the touch, love and spiritual part of her care. Read to her, go down memory road with her, play music for her, pray with her, there are many things you can do other than be her care provider. You need to listen to your husband's concerns. If you do this without his support, not only are you telling him that he doesn't matter, but you might build a wall of resentment that might never heal. You moving your mom there is for all the wrong reasons...they are coming from within you and not for her best interests. You should see a therapist to sort this out if it is beyond you to understand why you want to do this. You are also not respecting your husband's boundaries if you proceed and actually may be harming not only your mom, but your health and your marriage. Think long and hard about this and where the intention comes from. Bless you for caring...put the care in the right perspective.

Things are just going to get worse from here. Now, she's incontinent and such and you're already worried that you can't take care of her. This isn't really a question. I think you really just need to "hear" us all tell you that she's best off where she is. Unless you have any doubts about the facility she's in, I mean. Otherwise, this is really just you wanting to get a little soothing because you already recognize it's not going to work to take her to your home.

You can't get rid of the guilt so you just have to do your best to live with it. The best way to spend your time is to make sure the facility she's in is giving her the best care that is available to her and to visit her as often as you feel is appropriate for both of you.

I say don't move her. Your husband is right.