Follow
Share

Im looking for short answers to my question. I probably shouldnt think this way but if it came down to losing a spouse because your a caregiver at home. Thus having to choose between your marriage or your parent(s) which would you choose? ! Just hypethetical and am curious to see your answers! You dont have to say why! Lol

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

37 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
HUSBAND always...he's been there for me way more than family have.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am in this situation - I have been for the past , almost 10 years, and finally, just last month, have put my mother in a nursing facility - the hardest thing to have to do - but the best thing for all concerned. My family is doing so much better. It is very hard to get past the obligation we feel towards our parents as they get older. They took care of us. They changed our diapers, wiped our knees, our tears.

Sometimes though, it is too much. There comes a times when we have to put, not just our spouses and our families, but OURSELVES first. Remember that most our parents were very ready at one time for us to graduate high school and get married and move out...well, part of the reason for that excitement was that they could have time for themselves again. Now, as they get older, we feel obligated to care for them, as they did us. This usually comes at about the time that our children are getting ready to graduate, move out, go to college, get married...time for us to have time for ourselves again. We do it - and feel guilty for thinking that we wish we didn't have to.

When our grandparents were in this position, or some of us, even our parents, the options we have now just weren't there. Living, growing older and dying at home was just what was done. Now, there are so many ways to get the help needed for our most knowledgeable and experienced family members to grow older gracefully, and their children and caregivers to be at peace with it as well.

From senior communities, assisted living, Skilled Nursing Facilities, Alzheimer Care and Hospice/End of Life Care - it is more than it used be - the choice of staying at home and risking your health, staying with family that can cause of great stress and resentment for everyone or the images of the nursing home that come to your mind of being left somewhere to die, with no one visiting, bed sores and dirty sheets.

It's not that you don't HAVE to do it - you don't have to do it ALONE. There are people to help - both in your home and outside of it.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
my mother and aunt were there for me when my wife was cheating , trying to make it my fault , turning my sons against me and eventually moving some bum into the house that id built. ive heard the ex make the claim in the past that shed never wipe her mothers a** . pretty shifty individual . my loyalty is with the two greatest influences of my life -- mom and her sister..
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
There should not have to be a choice. What is it with this society that shrinks the family into parents and children? The same society that cheers youth and ignores the value of maturity.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I think the problem here is WHO your mate is. I wouldn't want a mate who is not
compassionate enough to want to care for my mother. And I would certainly want to care for his mother. But I guess it's who you are married to that makes the choice different.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
As my Mother said, '...she takes good care of you, and she's had you longer then I.' So my answer would be 'forsake' the parent. Reality, it's just that......been married for thirty-five years, left 'the nest' at eighteen.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
After divorcing my first husband..it took 20 years to find another man I would marry. Good marrriages and spouses are not easily replaced. He would not make me choose.but if caretaking was putting too much strain on the my marriage, then i would try to find a solution that puts my mate first. ..and by the way God created marriage and family. A loving committed marriage is a true blessing, not a sad thing.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I have to add that humans are the only species I can think of where the young are expected to care for the elders. We are unique like that. Maybe elephants also have elder care, but I doubt that it is expected from them.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Jeanne, there are a few species that maintain their bonds to their young. Elephants, zebras, some primates, meercats, a very few birds, and some others can form family bonds and groups. Altruism is seen only in a few. Meercats have allegiance upward to the parents, which is lost quickly when the reproductive pair is overthrown. They are fascinating little critters.

This is a hard question to answer, because each species has its own way about it. Some don't mind the youngsters hanging around, while others run them off. Few, however, will sit around and chat with their kids.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
In the animal kingdom, some species mate for life. Some parents (especially mothers) are fiercely protective of their vulnerable young. But after the young become independent, are there any species that maintain any kind of bond between parent and offspring? Does anybody know?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
my3kidsok - so sorry to hear that you too are in a ruff spot and tired. I am working harder to create my own version of happiness. Sometimes it means taking a long ride. I have gone to the bluff and looked out at the river just praying. I have gone on walks by myself down at the bluff. I’ve started to attend church even when it means going on my own. I’ve gone back to work – thank goodness for the flexible schedule. I’ve started to work out some. After work, I don't always run home.

I hope you can get that peace you need and deserve as well. Life is too short; we too need to enjoy some before our number comes up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Spouse!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My whole life and marriage has seemed disfunctional. Lol i had already left the marriage because i was in a dark place for so long, and daggers ewww i felt them and saw them through the glass behind me and there was no argument, only eary silence. The Lord actually guided me to leave, gave me the tools, with no job, children. But after getting sick for a month and seeing it kill my children, and him pursuing me all over again. I did what was best and what then i thought was the thing to do. Moved back. It seems as if i am back in this misery which may be my own. Yes its not anyones job to make u happy. Its between u and allowing God to change you. I agree marriage family first. But when u feel like the only UNCONDITIONAL love is the Love of your father, when he wants to go home. I cant say a small part of me doeant want to go with him! Sorry, thays just how i feel. I know marriage is work, but if it has been mostly work, blah, lonely
Unfufilled for 75 percent of the time and 25 percent you seem at peace and somewhat happy. What do u do. Im tired yall.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Assuming a decent relationship with both, spouse, no hesitation. If either/both relationships are dysfunctional, that changes things.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Shakingdustoff: I met a monk once and asked him why he chose to be a monk.
He said he had fallen in love many times and was very disappointed. He then summed it up: "I prefer to be a slave to a perfect Master than an impossible dream!"
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Just remember, many a man divorced his wife and kept his dog, because the dog was always glad to see him.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Now that I am trying to become closer to the man above, I know the scripture says forsaken all others. I saw caregiving destroy my parents’ marriage and I fight to keep it from destroying ours along with the many issues that are just ours. I don’t like forcing one to choose but rather compromise and prioritize.
I say, if the relationship is a good and healthy one, I would choose my spouse. If my relationship is rocky and headed for divorce (unhealthy), then it probably would be parents.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Hubby for sure. I got to that point - her or him - and it was no contest. He loves me and wants to protect me. Her, not so much.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I also tend to vote for spouse, because we must leave our parents and cling to our spouse, though yet we still honor our parents. But one exception or caveat - something like what Garden Artist mentions; if spouse is making you choose when you really should not have to - out of jealously or selfishness of only wanting you all to himself or herself and not helping you or supporting you in the care of someone else or something else that is dear and important to you, then by all means DO the right thing and let the chips fall where they may.

If it is a question that caregiving for a parent is destroying my family and my marriage relationship, or at least my ability to be a parent and a spouse, then something should give in the caregiving.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Well this question certainly brings up the caregiver's priorities. I am not married but my life is devoted to art and trying to make a modest living. After struggling with a sad dysfunctional family, I finally have come feel the joy within myself. It doesn't mean I am "selfish", but I celebrate my life. My mother has struggled but really she had her golden years dancing, traveling, having boyfriends, etc. I am not married to her! This is the year I took my life back, set boundaries, and let the chips fly where they may. Much happier! When I get old, no aging children will take care of me. I couldn't ask someone to ruin their life for me. Give what you can and spend your love where you need to and want to, carving out your sacred space to live in it; with spouse or alone, or with your Divine Lover.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
'Fraid I'm a lone wolf here. I don't like to allow issues to become so polarized that a choice has to be made between one or the other. I think there's always room for compromise and a better solution. Just my $.01 worth.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
My spouse in a heart beat....
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Husband!!
My husband died a horrible cancer death
I adored him and we were very happily married for 34 years.

In my living room, in the evening while trying to relax...............I look over at my MIL (alzheimers) glaring at me from her bed... and I wonder how this happened ............that it's her in my living room and not my husband.
He deserved so much better. I miss him in every corner.
I am taking care of his mother because he would've been appalled but also grateful.
That's all I need to know.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report
My husband hands down.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Either way you choose, guilt will be there. My ex-spouse kept choosing his mother over me and she wasn't incapacitated at all, just NEEDY (2 failed marriages later, (7 years) it's my understanding he is still a mama's boy) So with that said... if you've got a great spouse, great relationship,partnership I'd choose my spouse. I'd be on his team ...hopefully he'd be on mine.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
As we get older a spouse is difficult to replace, therefore I would prefer to hang onto my spouse/mate since I already have him trained ;)
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
This is a topic that should have come up before marriage, neither my husband or myself would ever ask the other to make that choice. We both believe in caring for our parents, even though we will never get any help from our siblings. If my husband made me choose, I would choose my mom every time and would expect him to do the same. A spouse is replaceable, I only have one Mom.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Spouse. Definitely.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
My husband for sure. Isn't there something written about forsaking all others? That ALL includes leaving your parents.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Mate first - no contest.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter