I'm newly wed (26) and my mom has n0 plans for her retirement (52 years old, no assets, not currently working, depends 100% on me and my sister).
Basically, she has no plan with her life and based on my observation, she always expects someone to fulfill her happiness and needs. (e.g; she used to ask me to buy a property in her hometown for "our assets" as well as for her to live in so that she doesn't need to be worried with rent fees, which I always wire to her.) I refused bc I wanted to save for my wedding, etc.
I've been working hard since I was 19, without her financial support, so that I can make my own living. She expects a grandchild and asks me around 3 times on every call. I was kind of upset because it seems she never thinks about my mental health. Having dependent, aging parents is a thing for me. Having 1 more responsibility (aka kids), I don't think my mental health and my financial condition would be OK. I want to save for my retirement so I will not be a burden to anyone.
However, sometimes I wonder if being childless with this kind of condition is the best decision that I could make.
Any opinion will be appreciated.
At age 26 and newly married, you and your husband should be thinking about your marriage and enjoying your youth. A gap to settle down the marriage before you have children is a good idea for most people, but ‘decisions’ right now are NOT a good idea. Your intentions for children should NOT be made on the basis that you have to support an irresponsible parent.
FYI, she can't get a job.. Because she doesn't want to work. I persuade her to open small kiosk so that she can make her own living but she said she has no confidence to do business or start something new. She always told me "I don't even know what should I do with my life...". This is so depressing.
Your mom isn't aged, sorry 52 is WAAAAYYYYY to young to sit back and demand your daughters finance your laziness.
Unless you are willing to only have part of a life for your mooching momma then you should stop financially supporting her. She needs to get off her lazy duff and get a job, it's not a dirty word.
You and your sister are disabling her by stepping in and providing everything for her. She has no reason to do anything differently, she has no needs. You will be amazed at what she can do if it means homelessness or hunger.
People like your mom turn my stomach.
"My new mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way".
Expects be taken care of.. as a "dependant aging parent"?
She must be joking right?
She has 15 yrs until legal retirement age (where I live).
She sounds more like an entitled 15 yr old.
Time to pull her finger out, get a job & a life plan.
Or are there major health issues/disabilities to hurdle?
If she needs help, offer encouragement to find such help.. a Life Coach, Therapist or Mental Health support.
At 52 my mom was basically bedridden with numerous sketchy ailments, all related, as she stated to 'you kids'. Actually, looking back, she had agoraphobia and wouldn't leave the house for months and months. Wouldn't even go outside. Until I read a previous post by someone who mentioned THEIR mother's agoraphobia, she was just non-existent in our lives.
Your choice to have or not have children is you and your husband's choice. Not mom's. Sounds like a good frank discussions about boundaries is in order.
One of my 4 daughters has chosen to remain childless. This does not affect me AT ALL as she is being true to herself and her lack of any desire to be a mom. She is a loving and delightful person and I actually enjoy that one of my girls is 'free' to talk to me without interruptions and who can be a true and wonderful friend. BUT, I also adore the 14 little weasels that my other girls and DIL have had.
NONE of our kids mooch off of us. (I see enough of that in my DIL's family to turn my stomach!) It's not healthy and it never seems to work out well.
You may think 52 is old. My mom turned 92 on Friday and she said her doc says she'll live to 100. I bet she does. That's 40 more years of this...is that what you want??
Regarding children, only you can ultimately decide. If you decide yes, don’t have her babysit as this will ultimately make her believe she is even more entitled to any part of your life.
No decent parent would EVER demand such a thing.
You are thinking 10000 times about what to do, knowing in your heart what you WANT to do, and that your mother is WAY out of line and being unreasonable with her demands.
If it were me, I'd tell her mom I love you, but I'm not going to finance your old age. Period. Figure it out now, marry some poor slob who will support you, get a job, whatever, but I'm hereby freeing myself up to live MY LIFE ON MY TERMS. Then proceed to do so, without guilt. Have children if YOU want to, and enjoy your life.
Parents should never have children to force them into caretaking and financial exploitation for life, for petesake! Our job is to love them and raise them to be loving and productive members of society. That's all.
Best of luck to you
My point is that the mother's behavior may be reflective of the expectations within her culture and may not be unacceptable there as it would be here. Should the OP (and her sister) cease to support their mother financially, that may be deemed unacceptable in their community. We can't really judge the situation by our standards, I don't think. I'd be interested in what kimino has to say about how the situation is viewed within her own culture.