Is it a wise decision to give up having children when my mother is very dependent on me financially?

I believe Starbucks is a good beginner job and she can get benefits. And you can stop by see her when you need a coffee break!!!!!!!

Your mother is not your problem and she only will be if you make it your problem. If you want children have them. It’s OK if you walk away from your mother and tell her it’s time you take care of yourself.

You sound like you are the responsible one. You have a right to make a life of your own. Have you discussed children with your husband? This has to be a joint decision about if and when you have children. Husbands sometimes are very helpful with children and home responsibilities. Also discuss your mother's situation with him. The 2 of you have to act as a team to make long term decisions. At 52, it's not clear why your mother is dependent on you and your sister. If she can, she should be working and be independent. If she cannot work, you and she should speak to a local social worker to learn her options and to help her plan for her present and future. She needs to have her paperwork in order with powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will if she has assets (which it sounds like she doesn't). It will be up to you to decide on your own boundaries with your mother. Then have a discussion with her to let her know how much you can help her, given your own responsibilities to your marriage. Seek counseling for yourself if you have difficulties drawing boundaries for yourself. All the best to you and your husband and mother!

You don't say if you're a son or a daughter. The reason it makes a difference to planning your family is largely to do with time - sons have more leeway.

That said, it isn't the issue.

The issue is that you have GOT to stop allowing someone with your mother's world view to influence decisions you make for yourself.

Has your mother never worked, has she ever made herself useful in any sphere of life besides producing two children? If you really care about her and her mental health and her fulfilment as a person, wean her off the dependency and find her something to do - preferably something that at least improves her financial situation, so that she isn't infantilized for the rest of her life.

I hesitate to impose a 21st century Western European perspective on you or her. It may be that there is actually some prestige involved in her being privileged never to work, never to pay her own way, to have raised children who are willing to make very significant sacrifices for her benefit; and it's certainly not for me to judge.

But it is for you to judge what makes sense in your life. You, not her.

stop enabling your mother. Your first responsibility is to yourself and your family, IF you decide to have children, that is up to you not your mother. Stop sending money to her. She is and "adult" not a child!

Technically, the window is open for you to have kids and it won't be closed for another decade.

I just hope I don't have to make such a call myself. I hope to be a father one day. If I don't have or expect any kids when this decade ends and regardless if I'm married or not, I'm not having kids.

There’s a lot to unpack.

First, congratulations on your marriage.

Second, your mom is 52, broke and unwilling to work — as long as she has you and your sister working to support her, she can be irresponsible and selfish. You provide the safety net that allows it.

Finally, there are red flags all over your post. You talk about what you want and what your mother wants. Marriage is not about independent you or your parents’ financial or emotional needs. The questions you ignored are: Does your husband want a child? How long would he wait to feel settled enough for a child? Does he want your mother in the middle of his marriage?

My advice: Marriage needs nurturing. Talk to, listen and compromise with your husband so your marriage is “we” not “me” and mom.

kimino: Your mother's poorly planned life should not be a basis for your life and whether to bear children.

You need to live your life. Your mom needs to get her $hit together. You should NOT be supporting her. If she can't/won't work then she needs to go on welfare. You and sis need to come up with a plan and have a family meeting where you lay down the new boundaries that are being enacted.

You should be able to decide if you want kids based on so much more than your mother's situation.

I am curious about where your father falls in all of this, did they divorce or has he passed? Where did the money come from while you were growing up? It’s not super important but it might help shed some light on your mothers mental state and fear of going out in the world to work. Anyway it sounds like one of the best moves you have made was actually moving away and now that you are married to someone from and living in another culture you could use that if necessary (a little white fibbing) to back up the new situation. This wouldn’t be my first choice but it might be what is most helpful for you. I don’t know where your sister stands in all of this other than you did say she is also supporting your Mom but it would be helpful if you could present a United front on this.

So first as everyone else has said your design about wether or not to have children should have nothing to do with your mom, she shouldn’t even be a consideration in this and you can either say so to her the next time she mentions it or simply learn to shut out her words. You could also say to her that it’s an impossible thought while you are still supporting her, put it rite back on mom. But children or not this open ended support isn’t helping anybody and is more likely hurting everybody so why not set a limit. You are married now and that means things change so come up with a figure you can live without that is less than what you are doing now but maybe a 25 or 50% drop, more even there is no right or wrong here and tell her that is what you and your husband can afford now as you are a family now and have to prepare for your futures. You will still be fulfilling what your culture sees as your obligation to your mother while also putting your new family nucleus on the top of your list of obligations. It has nothing to do with children or not, that’s another subject for you and your husband once you are able to let go of the stress, pressure and confliction you feel when it comes to your mother. I’m not saying cut ties or communication with her just take charge of the things you can control, the way you react to her and the help you feel you can give her without loosing too much of yourself and then stick to that, you will be helping her by doing that as much as yourself even if she doesn’t recognize it.

Making your mother less dependent on you may be a better option - for her and you. Have her apply for Medicaid, get into public housing... she can be well enough cared for that way.

Children are a lot of work - but also a lot of joy, Being a grandparent is one of my greatest joys, but it tends to work best if you have a spouse who loves you and is truly a life partner, then have children (who in turn marry their soul mates) and have children.

You Can have children till your 45 . 52 is young - your Mother is a Mooch .

52 is very young to not have any ambition, for lack of a better word. I am almost that age and can't imagine coasting through life with no goals or dreams! It's almost like she's resigned herself to just existing and not living. I may have missed it, but what did she do when you were growing up? Did she have a career, hobbies, etc.? It seems like she may have had her identity and purpose wrapped up in being a mom, and maybe now she's hoping to continue that identity and purpose as a grandmom.
The question becomes what do you want out of your life? The decision to have kids (or not), should be a joint decision between you and your husband- no one else. If you decide to have them, it should be because you want to have them, not because you are being pressured to produce grandkids, because it's the natural order of things, etc. Best wishes in whatever you decide.

Ok, when I read posts that are this fraught with a lot of issues, I think it makes sense to step back and wonder what you would think if your best friend wrote this to you?
One poster pointed out (rather correctly) that to change this situation, you'll be swimming against a strong tide of tradition. Ok. Then, how about riding that tide as it carries you out to calmer waters? Think long term, where you want to be, how you want your life to look like, simple, practical rational plans that aren't exactly radical. As, the angst that's coming through your post is pretty obvious, and this is the life path your mother wants-does not seem to fit with who you are or how you want to live.
52??? Are ya kidding me? Really? She's playing that card so hard, it's on fire. C'mon, you know she could live another 30+ years and be ranting the entire time about having great grandchildren and buying her the latest do-dad she saw at the store. And, why isn't her food ready? Are you going somewhere without her? Don't have people she doesn't like over-apparently this happens a lot, or so I've read here. No privacy.
I've learned no is not a four letter word. Had to use it repeatedly a few days ago (another story for another time) and I'm fine. Ok to stand up for yourself, what you can and can't/won't do or tolerate.
Hope you get your bearings and can sort out what will work for you. It's a big world, and being held captive by your mother is missing out on so much.

Your mother is an adult and should have had plans for retirement. If she can’t afford to live on her own then she should not be burdening you and should apply for assistance with the county she lives in. She can get rental assistance for an apartment, social security (if she didn’t work she can draw from her husband or x-husbands social security). You need to plan for your future just like she should have. You are not responsible for her happiness and she should NOT move in with you. You do not need to take care of her financially. My daughter is always telling me I can move in with her and I always tell her I will never move in with her family. She has 3 kids and I am not going to change her life. I will move to her town to be closer. I managed our finances and can survive on my own. If my health doesn’t allow me to be alone, I’ll work it out without putting the burden on her family. Be strong, and tell her you will take her to social services to get the help she needs to be on her own.

Dave Ramsey had a similar call recently. He was so pissed at the mother for burdening her adult child like this.

If you don't really, really want children please don't have them. You will be much happier without them.

They raised us now it is time you focus on you not your mother. Its time that you focus on your family your husband. Its time that she takes care of her own life meaning getting a job, a place and stop depending on you or your sister.

Both of you are enabling her why should she get a job or place when she has both of you supplying all she needs.

Bringing in children is up to you and your husband don't think about not having them sit down and save for them. Take it from me I couldn't have any now we are childless and its hard to see parents with their children having fun I would have loved to have someone to do things with show them things.

Prayers that you find the answers.

Perhaps Mommy needs to get a roommate and job and start her new life as a strong single woman who can achieve greatness if she chooses. Perhaps your local senior center has volunteers who will work with your mother to look to herself for happiness. Perhaps they can point her to a program for women that provides psychological help.

52 is a very young woman. You said not currently working, so I understand that to mean she has worked in the past. I would encourage you and the sister to start talking about financial problems of your own - it has to come from the both of you. Lay it out that she needs to get something, part time at least, to cover certain bills. The goal is to get her back out into the world and earn some of her own keep.

Hanging out while others pay for her every need is actually creating down the road medical issues for her. If she doesn't keep moving and engaged with others, she will deteriorate physically. Do her and yourselves a favor by getting her to a job. Start small if you have to - we need you to cover 1/2 the rent and the light bill.

If she has some sort of disability that doesn't allow any kind of employment, then get her to a doctor to document medical need to see if she would qualify for facility care or assisted living (if you find one that takes Medicaid). If dr thinks she would meet medical necessity, start the application process for facility care and get her to a facility that provides for her needs. Since she currently lives alone (I guess) in an apartment, she may not qualify as medical necessity, but thought I'd at least offer that info. -- You also mentioned long term care for parentS, so does that mean dad is in the picture too? Who takes care of him?

I'm so terribly sorry for your situation. 

So weird...I first responded to you post on fire and as though I were communicating with someone with an America background. I thought that I was speaking to someone whose personal history was rooted in the land of the free, individuality, options, the un-enslaved, where breaking from tradition or creating new traditions sometimes has bad crazy consequences, but may also, the hope is, create it's own kind of strength, broad inclusive vision and healthy self-determination, as well as consideration and a charitable heart. 

Yes, I grew up viewing those, I think anyway, wholesome 40's & 50’s good ol’ American movies about fairness, expectations of possibilities, and unalienable rights.

I am always so pressed for time that after reading a post that triggers me, silly me, I usually dive right in with my remarks (opinions or hopefully advice) but not with this posting. I've never referred back as much as I have before as I couldn't put my finger on the nagging feeling that something was amiss. I had to read other responses and as I did my great hope to be helpful even in my sometimes splash of cold water way was dashed as increasingly I emotionally felt the mother of all mountain’s grow before eyes and I deleted all that I wrote.

I am not Asian but I am a first generation American. I was burdened with expected behavior, guilt and obligation. I was raised in a neighborhood mostly populated by a mix of immigrants, that included a few Asian friends, and so my heartbreaks but my mind understands, as best and in my small way, the enormity of your dilemma.

Whoa, this rehabilitation should've started at least 3 generations ago and more like probably 5. 

My only contribution is that I broke away from my parents traditions and expectations at the expense of never having a cohesive and embracing feeling from them to the end of their days, but this break from my childhood indoctrination, inculcation and their manipulation, enabled me to realize that I never did have that feeling of true selfless support and parental goodwill because it was not based on love but rather it was conditional.

My sister and I were still incredible daughters. My sister has since died several years after my parents, I know she died with a sadness in her heart that only demanding unloving parents can bring. I have only very, very little sadness and a lingering stupidity of still lighting a candle on the anniversary of their death but I never cried. Those dates I’m a robot. 

You have a lot to surmount but if you do your marriage, children and your grandchildren will tremendously benefit.

You say it’s so hard. Either path you take is painful.
Every worthy and valuable achievement is difficult. One way you will become your mom. The other way you can be an autonomous matriarch in you own right, whose children will not have to endure the same sentence of imprisonment. One way your children will respect you, the other way, well, even if you ensure that you won't become a burden to them you'll be a person they will quietly pity for the life you had.

Find other asians who have thoughtfully, respectfully, healthfully broken with tradition or managed this.

Have your mother meet successful independent women her age and culture.

Btw, to a 26 year old 52 may seem old but you are so, so wrong. What they can be is very clever.

Does she have siblings back home?

Mom has NO SAY in what you and your spouse decide about having children. Mom has NO RIGHT to be dependent on you. She should be helping you get started in life! Mom has serious problems, and she needs to own them. If she won't, that is her choice not your responsibility.

Make plans with your beloved for the life you want and don't include Mom. She is a leech. Share this with your sister too. Unless one or both of you is wealthy, I say cut Mom loose. There are plenty of social services to help her find a job, housing, health care, whatever she needs. And whatever you do, do NOT let her move in with you!!!

Times are hard right now, but it will not always be like this. If you do not want children, that is your choice. But it is clear it is NOT your mother's choice. Your mother will eventually get back on her feet too. It is a lot harder for someone her age to find work. They discriminate against older people and with all the lock downs it has been rough. This time will pass.

Money is NOT the most important thing in life. I believe you will regret not wanting to have children. There is nothing more precious than holding that little baby in your arms. But, if you truly do not want children ...don't put the blame on your mother. It is your choice.

I also applaud you for working hard or “smart” as we say. Plan your life around what you’ve been trying to build and accomplish ❤️

What a quandary you’re in at such a young age💕.. sounds to me and (no disrespect) that your mom is controlling, overbearing and manipulative. I say this because my mom was very much the same. But I’d like to say to you.. if your mom does not have any mental decline.. “ live your life, your way.” Be happy, have children if you choose too! We only get one shot at this thing called life! Don’t miss out !
I remember when I got married @ 35 my mom still expected me to do this or that .. take her here and there etc… But I told her sorry mom I can’t and I meant it! Plus my dad backed me up lol… Although mom is always important but, your husband is your priority. Be firm, be strong those things that you can help her out with then do it but, what you can’t or even choose not to then say “ sorry mom I can’t do that” and don’t feel guilty , although she surely will try to make you feel that way.
The dynamics of your life have changed and hopefully you will get the support you need to say these things ( not now mom, maybe later or I can’t mom.) Always encourage yourself too! Hugs!
I also applaud you for working hard or “smart” as we say. Plan your life around what you’ve been trying to build and accomplish ❤️

Just because she expects you to take care of her doesn't mean you are obligated to. She 52... she could live another 30-40 years easily. You don't say if she suffers from a medical condition. Regardless, her plan all along was to mooch off you and your sister. It's time she got a job and a place of her own. She can't take advantage of you if you refuse to let her. Let her pull her own weight, just as you've had to do. They're are still plenty of jobs out there. Simply tell her you can not afford to care for her, that she needs to get a job and be self sufficient. She'll moan, groan whine, scream and cry and try to guilt you into helping her. For every favor she wants tell her no. Grow a strong backbone and don't let her goad you into helping her or feeling guilty. She sounds narcissistic. If you give her an inch, she'll take a mile. Then, go live your life like you want. Best wishes and good luck to you and your honey.

Your mom is only in the beginning of middle-age. This is ridiculous, cut her off. She’s playing you like a fiddle and it’s so manipulative and unfair. She’s still technically in her peak earning years according to current trajectories of how long people are expected to work.

I say this with love. Walk away.

Did I understand you to say that your mother abused you as a child or allowed you to be abused? If that is accurate, the suggestions that you move your mother in with you to provide care for hypothetical children are inappropriate to say the least. I suspect that most commenters here are so far removed from your culture that most of the advice you may receive is useless. Are there therapists or counselors where you live? Maybe counseling from a practitioner that is of your culture could be of help to sort out this complicated situation. Most of us can’t conceive of a non-disabled 52-year-old being totally dependent on her children. You are getting advice consistent with Western sensibilities which, as you’ve already pointed out, are not your reality.

I'll give a slightly different perspective. DH and I had children in our 40s, mostly due to a needy MIL (dirt poor, no assets) who drained our finances. She had retired on SS disability in her 50s with learned helplessness and a co-dependent relationship with DH that was enabled for decades. She always had "6 months to live", and DH wanted to give her the most comfortable life possible in her final months. I bought into this paradigm early on without realizing the consequences. Fast forward to our 40s when DH and I realized it was "now or never" to have children. We have two beautiful children, and at age 50 I am one of the healthier moms in my 6 year old's parent group. In many ways it would have been easier to have children at a younger age and not worry about MIL's situation. I worry that the TENS of THOUSANDS of dollars we've provided to MIL over the years won't be available in our retirement or to help our kids if they need it. I wish DH had been able to tell MIL "no" and help her get all the benefits she has been too proud to sign up for (well, except Medicare). Despite all that, our kids are the biggest blessings in the world and I would not have foregone having children even if it meant living a more financially stable life.