Is it a wise decision to give up having children when my mother is very dependent on me financially?
I'm newly wed (26) and my mom has n0 plans for her retirement (52 years old, no assets, not currently working, depends 100% on me and my sister).
Basically, she has no plan with her life and based on my observation, she always expects someone to fulfill her happiness and needs. (e.g; she used to ask me to buy a property in her hometown for "our assets" as well as for her to live in so that she doesn't need to be worried with rent fees, which I always wire to her.) I refused bc I wanted to save for my wedding, etc.
I've been working hard since I was 19, without her financial support, so that I can make my own living. She expects a grandchild and asks me around 3 times on every call. I was kind of upset because it seems she never thinks about my mental health. Having dependent, aging parents is a thing for me. Having 1 more responsibility (aka kids), I don't think my mental health and my financial condition would be OK. I want to save for my retirement so I will not be a burden to anyone.
However, sometimes I wonder if being childless with this kind of condition is the best decision that I could make.
Any opinion will be appreciated.
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At age 26 and newly married, you and your husband should be thinking about your marriage and enjoying your youth. A gap to settle down the marriage before you have children is a good idea for most people, but ‘decisions’ right now are NOT a good idea. Your intentions for children should NOT be made on the basis that you have to support an irresponsible parent.
FYI, she can't get a job.. Because she doesn't want to work. I persuade her to open small kiosk so that she can make her own living but she said she has no confidence to do business or start something new. She always told me "I don't even know what should I do with my life...". This is so depressing.
Expects be taken care of.. as a "dependant aging parent"?
She must be joking right?
She has 15 yrs until legal retirement age (where I live).
She sounds more like an entitled 15 yr old.
Time to pull her finger out, get a job & a life plan.
Or are there major health issues/disabilities to hurdle?
If she needs help, offer encouragement to find such help.. a Life Coach, Therapist or Mental Health support.
"My new mantra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way".
Regarding children, only you can ultimately decide. If you decide yes, don’t have her babysit as this will ultimately make her believe she is even more entitled to any part of your life.
Is your mother receiving public benefits, like SNAP, Medicaid?
Your mother sounds mentally unwell. Children should not have to pay for parental support at the expense of their own financial well-being.
In your shoes, I would guide mom to your town's social support agency and let them help her apply for benefits.
"Mentally unwell". This word makes sense in some ways.
Thank you for highlighting this new perspective!
Thank you for the enlightment!
This is a nosy question, (sorry, no need to answer..) but how/who funded your lives before you could earn for yourself?
She used to have a small business like small snack store and laundry shop but it didn't go well that time. Next i used to ask her if she want to do small business again (which is i'm willing to fund at that time with an expectation of her can provide her own), she said she has no confident to do business. So i have no words anymore..
Any thoughts?
In retrospect, I believe that both my father and her several sisters and brothers (and perhaps I also, even as a child), protected her so constantly that it served to make her MUCH WORSE than she might have been if we hadn’t acted as we did.
I did many independent things while growing up, but never quite at the level as my age peers, and in retrospect, I can understand my own awkward insecurities as part of the anxiety based syndrome that she unconsciously bequeathed to me.
I married a wonderful man whom she adored, and subtly began to encourage me to remain childless.
In her case, she and my father were financially stable, and since my husband and I had every intention of having a family, we moved ahead with OUR plans.
Her entire estate, close to a million dollars, was ultimately spent on HER CARE during her final 5 1/2 years, and both my husband and I worked for most of our child care years to support our family.
Unless your mother has a demonstrable INABILITY to care for herself IN ALL ASPECTS OF SELF CARE, I think you need to start backing off on your “support” while ge try explaining to her that you don’t have the “luxury” of supporting someone who is able to care for herself.
As a younger person, I was ALWAYS afraid of the consequences of pushing my mother to be of her own person, and when we ultimately did have our two children, she was an AMAZING and OUTSTANDING grandmother, and LOVED being so.
If you are not speaking to a therapist yourself, you may find help FOR HER, by doing so. A cognitive behavioral therapist was a great deal of help to me as I moved through my mother’s life stages AND my own.
You and your husband are good people who have found love for each other. You deserve your autonomy as a couple. Seek it!
Why do you feel your parents would be dependent on you as they age? They can only be dependent on you if you let them. It is unlikely she will change so if you continue to mentally and financially support her, your life won't change either.
If you aren't happy now, how will you feel 30-40 years from now, childless, having devoted your life to a person who never tried to find their own happiness or being accountable for their own actions?
I would make a plan for your own dream life, without the pressure of what your mother wants or her current condition. Whatever you decide, it had to be based on what you want or you too will have an unhappy life.
You mention "age related decline" well this happens. Fact of life as you get older you can not do what you could do 5, 10, 15 years previously. Your mom is younger than I am and can probably do more than I can. (again unless there is a medical reason she can't)
You can't have another child, you have one now the problem is she is 52 years old. Unlike babies that will grow up and out of the house at this point your mother will not leave your house. You will, if this continues, care for her for the rest of your lives. At this point there is a possibility that your mother will live another 30, 40 + years, do you want to continue to care for her for the rest of her life? Where does that put you and your retirement plans?
Now...if mom is healthy then living with you may, let me say that again MAY have benefits. If mom can work around the house and do the housework. If mom can care for your children while you work that would be wonderful. It would save you money that would be spent on child care. But would your house be YOUR house or "mom's house" it depends greatly on the dynamics that you have.
Just for Socialization, meeting people her age, getting involved, for her own satisfaction, her own pride, confidence your mom should be encouraged to look for a job. A few hours to start would even be better than nothing.
I know my husband would have been monumentally disappointed if I decided to not have children, especially since we had discussed and decided on children before we married. If it had been a medical reason to not, he certainly would have dealt with it, but to decide to not have them because I/we were financially supporting another capable family member - well, I don't know think he would have accepted that very easily. Did you and your spouse discuss (and agree on) children before your marriage? Because if you did, this is kind of not fair to your husband, to change the rules of the game mid-way through. Even if kids aren't a deal maker-or-breaker, this extreme coddling of your able-bodied mother could potentially cause a serious rift in your relationship in the future. Are you willing to chance that?
Regarding child, he said he would like to have an experience of being a dad but if role of being a mom is too burdensome for me, he said we don't have to.
Anyway,
the thing is he lived a VERY different childhood with me and event his current life as a first-born of a family is totally different with mine (my PIL are independent even they've retired already, and I love them so much). So once I asked for his opinion about what to do, he said, it's okay to cut the tie if I think that this bother my mental health.
But well, cutting tie is not as easy for me. I mean, IF only it's the final decision that I have to take, maybe cutting tie is the last option of 10000 possible options that I can take. So hard to do.
But, regardless, you really aren't going to ever change things, I suspect, and you and your sister will be your mother's servants for the rest of her life. Just one question -- what does your husband think of all of this? Does HE want children? Does he have deadbeat parents, also?
"So the three of you (mother, sister, and you) live in East Asia. Does your culture demand that the younger generation takes care of its elders?"
-I was raised in Southeast Asia(SEA) and now living in an East Asian country which (surprisingly) shares different value comparing to the country I was raised in Southeast Asia. And yes, In SEA the culture demand of the younger generation takes care of its elders SELFLESSLY. As someone who have lived abroad for more than 7 years, I can't relate with that value anymore, sadly.
For my husband, he dreams to be a dad but If raising a child is a burdensome task for me, he says it's okay to be childless since my mental health is his priority over anything else, he said.
Anyway, regarding his parents, they are independent ones and once told us not to worry about them ( tbh I would be happy to take care of them since they treat me better as if I were their daughter, sorry to say but even better than what my Mother did when raising me as a kid.)
Being an ungrateful child is out of my life agenda. However I'm sorry to say this but I never asked to be born but I cant be a billionaire in a night to provide my mom.
Oh also, making my mom stay with me and husband in one roof is an answer I'm looking for since my childhood trauma is hard to erase until now and our different character/life value can cause mental damage for me if we live together, I suppose.
I suggest counseling so that you can come to a conclusion about separating your life now from your Mom's. You are grown up. It is time to fly from the nest. No bird stays behind to watch the decline of their parent. They move on to build their own nests and care for their young.
I wish you the utmost luck. We all make choices for our own lives, and they determine the quality of those gifts of ONE life.
Actually I discovered a while back, that incredibly some birds fly back to their parents yearly, and help raise younger siblings, and later also help with aging elderly parent-birds.
Incredible. First, that they even know how to find their parents again. Birds move around, but somehow they find each other. Second, that they do fly back and help their elders.
Turns out, many animals take care of their elderly-relatives.
Anyway:
"It is time to fly from the nest."
I agree AlvaDeer; and OP, your mother should really be telling you also, to live independently from her.
Your Mom is not in age decline. She just likes being supported. In the US our 50s are when the kids are on their own and we can now take the money we make from our jobs and spend it on us. I think all 3 of you could do with some therapy. Your Mom needs to understand that it is not up to her children to care for her financially. Even living with your sister, she needs to support herself. Mom needs to get a job. Anything at this point. I then would look and see if she qualifies for low income housing. What resources are out there for her. I would tell her she is unfair to you and sister. That you both are entitled to lives of your own and should be putting money aside to buy homes and to be able to afford children. For your future. She is very much able to care for herself and she should be doing it.
Here in the US we have Social Security that we pay into when we work. When we retire at about 67, we then can draw from this fund but what we receive depends on how much we worked. And because we paid into SS at 65 we qualify for government Health insurance. Do you have something like this?
Unfortunately my mom hasn't been working since 30 years ago if I'm not mistaken. So she doesn't have anything similar to retirement pension or else so she is fully dependent to her children :(
You are wise to think ahead about the stress and responsibility of having children. It is a lot of stress, at least for the first couple of years. But also a lot of joy.
If mom is able and willing to help you with taking care of your future children while you work, it might work. She's young and hopefully healthy. Let her do something useful for once.
Not having children is just fine, too, if that's what you want. Again, you're wise to think ahead. I wish most people were like you.
In many countries, Covid has resulted in labor shortages, and it’s fairly easy to get a job. If your mother’s little ‘pavement’ shop wasn’t successful 30 years ago, it might be better for her to look for a job. ‘Checkout chick’ might be well within her abilities, even if she feels happier getting you to support her.
The ‘culture appropriate’ suggestions about her providing child care for you – they are well meaning, but be careful. It would involve her moving countries, losing all her friends and the things she is used to, and becoming totally dependent on you for almost everything. The forum experience is usually that it’s a nightmare. It’s a very different thing from the restaurant owners who had years of living on the spot.
It was not mentioned if your mother is ill or disabled but 52 is way too young to be so dependent on you and your sister. She needs to work or apply for assistance if she is eligible.
Having children is up to your and your husband not your mother.
Unless your mom has some medical issues or something, my opinion is that you need to set some boundaries with her NOW. And by the way, we are all "aging" but 52 is not exacting "aging" as in on this forum. Why is she so dependent on you and your sister? Why didn't she plan for her retirement (for which she is still too young for)? Why isn't she working? Her lack of financial responsibility is not YOUR responsibility.
As I said, unless she has a medical issue, that would get old really fast and I would distance myself from all that. Maybe point her toward some resources, but it sounds like she is way overstepping her boundaries.
Sorry, this post is a little hard for me to believe, but if it is real, I would cut mom off and focus on your own life.
I understand you are not in a Western country. Is this type of arrangement common or acceptable in your homeland? It would be very rare in the US or Europe for able-bodies, middle-aged adults to expect to be supported financially by their children. Also, does your sister have the same reservations you have, or is she content to go on supporting your mother for the rest of her life?
If I were you, I would give Mom a deadline to become self-supporting, and help her look for/apply for jobs that she would qualify for. It would help to be able to present a united front with your sister so the whole burden would not fall on her if your mother balks, and she would not become resentful towards you or feel you were shirking your share of the responsibility.
How about 6 months? A year? Short enough that she'll know the cut-off date is approaching, but long enough to give her a fighting chance to succeed. Can she work in an office? A factory? Can she cook? Wait tables? Work in a shop as a saleswoman or cashier? We all figure out how to do things we don't know how to do. We all cope with situations that are unfamiliar to us. When she tells you she doesn't know what she would do, remind her that she has to do something and she needs to figure it out. If she has to do it, she will. That's my advice, anyway, for what it's worth.
Wishing you all the luck in your future and your decision!
No decent parent would EVER demand such a thing.
You are thinking 10000 times about what to do, knowing in your heart what you WANT to do, and that your mother is WAY out of line and being unreasonable with her demands.
If it were me, I'd tell her mom I love you, but I'm not going to finance your old age. Period. Figure it out now, marry some poor slob who will support you, get a job, whatever, but I'm hereby freeing myself up to live MY LIFE ON MY TERMS. Then proceed to do so, without guilt. Have children if YOU want to, and enjoy your life.
Parents should never have children to force them into caretaking and financial exploitation for life, for petesake! Our job is to love them and raise them to be loving and productive members of society. That's all.
Best of luck to you
My point is that the mother's behavior may be reflective of the expectations within her culture and may not be unacceptable there as it would be here. Should the OP (and her sister) cease to support their mother financially, that may be deemed unacceptable in their community. We can't really judge the situation by our standards, I don't think. I'd be interested in what kimino has to say about how the situation is viewed within her own culture.
Your mom isn't aged, sorry 52 is WAAAAYYYYY to young to sit back and demand your daughters finance your laziness.
Unless you are willing to only have part of a life for your mooching momma then you should stop financially supporting her. She needs to get off her lazy duff and get a job, it's not a dirty word.
You and your sister are disabling her by stepping in and providing everything for her. She has no reason to do anything differently, she has no needs. You will be amazed at what she can do if it means homelessness or hunger.
People like your mom turn my stomach.
At 52 my mom was basically bedridden with numerous sketchy ailments, all related, as she stated to 'you kids'. Actually, looking back, she had agoraphobia and wouldn't leave the house for months and months. Wouldn't even go outside. Until I read a previous post by someone who mentioned THEIR mother's agoraphobia, she was just non-existent in our lives.
Your choice to have or not have children is you and your husband's choice. Not mom's. Sounds like a good frank discussions about boundaries is in order.
One of my 4 daughters has chosen to remain childless. This does not affect me AT ALL as she is being true to herself and her lack of any desire to be a mom. She is a loving and delightful person and I actually enjoy that one of my girls is 'free' to talk to me without interruptions and who can be a true and wonderful friend. BUT, I also adore the 14 little weasels that my other girls and DIL have had.
NONE of our kids mooch off of us. (I see enough of that in my DIL's family to turn my stomach!) It's not healthy and it never seems to work out well.
You may think 52 is old. My mom turned 92 on Friday and she said her doc says she'll live to 100. I bet she does. That's 40 more years of this...is that what you want??
Until you make the choice to put your new family first, your mom will continue to call the shots. That's not on her, though -- you've left that door wide open, and she's walked through it.
If you're not bothered by the idea of never having children, there's no shame in deciding not to have them. Plenty of us are doing that. I did that. Never wanted them, never had them, perfectly happy with that choice.
But if you and your husband, in your heart of hearts, long to be parents, then please do not deprive yourself of that joy. Certainly not for the reasons you're giving.
Age 52 is middle-aged and too young to not work. Are any jobs like processing at a Goodwill center available? Like some other readers have said, your mother needs job counseling to get motivated and earn her own way. I don't want to pry too much, but how did your father and mother support you when you were a dependent child? Your husband and yourself make your own mature decisions, not from your mother's.
you can certainly help out but play the system. She may need a reality check.
your well-being and happiness comes first you have your whole life ahead of you.
Mom needs to be told NO MORE!
I see you are from SE Asia.where caring for parents is a cultural more.
Did your mom care and support her parents? Did you grow up in a multi-generational household?