Is it normal to become frustrated and impatient at times with your parent?

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Is it normal to become frustrated and impatient at times with your parent?

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Is it normal as a caregiver to become frustrated or impatient? I ask my Dad not to move certain things, and he tries to tell me he knows better. As soon as I leave, he ends up eventually moving it may it be right away or the next day. I become frustrated and repeat myself to him, and then I get the cold shoulder, or he walks away. Today I asked him not to walk away while I talked to him and mention how you would like it if someone walked away while you spoke to them and that it was rude. He stopped and listen, but now I feel so utterly guilty for visibly showing my frustration and repeating myself. I always end up apologizing, and it seems he plays on my emotions. I always end up feeling guilty.

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Most parents know how to push our buttons...........because they INSTALLED THEM! It's quite normal to feel frustrated & impatient with your father, I am quite sure we ALL do sometimes, because we're all human. If you're going to feel so guilty & apologetic for speaking your mind, the next time he does something irritating, try leaving the room instead of saying anything. Then come back in a little while and see if you still feel the need to address the matter. It may just pass and you won't have to say a single thing.

On the other hand, if your father is acting rude and walking away while you are speaking to him, in my mind, it's perfectly fine for you to call him out on it! Setting down boundaries with someone is necessary, otherwise they can wind up walking all over you until you DO!

Good luck!

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It is the guilt that eats me up for being impatient at times. Mind you I have always been sensitive to feeling guilty easliy.

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I feel your guilt! You have my sympathy. How long has your Dad been living with you? How old is he?

Mom is 92, has dementia and she drives me batty at times. The hardest for me to overcome was her incontinence (I'm still struggling). She pulls her pullups down as soon as she gets in the bathroom and dribbles from the door to the commode. Or she will insist she doesn't need to go to the bathroom and unless I can distract her, she will sit there and not go, insisting she doesn't have to go until she gets up and starts dribbling or sometimes she gets her pants up before she wets them. But in this case, I have it better than you because I know where to look, lol. And when I get aggravated (she's almost deaf, even with her hearing aids, so I have to raise my voice for her to hear) she says "yes, mama, I'm sorry" really contritely. It's cute and brings me back to reality that she isn't behaving badly on purpose.

When your Dad moves things, you probably don't know where he put them. And maybe he even tells you he didn't move it and you must have (another of Mom's lines).

Practice self-compassion. If your friend were in your position, would you berate her for the anger/impatience she feels or would you tell her it's natural to feel that way when she's under so much stress all the time?

I hope finding a safe place to vent, where you won't be judged and you will be understood (meaning this forum) will help. It sure helps me.

Prayers for you and your Dad.

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“.....at times....”? How about almost constantly?

“Guilt” is SO USELESS. It doesn’t help us do better or even do something differently. It just SITS there, pinching and kicking us, while our LOs keep doing what THEY DO, seeming not to feel guilty themselves, at all.

Let it go, and if you’re doing the best you can with the concern you feel for him, don’t bother to ruminate on it.

Can you simplify, or organize or put away or fasten down what he moves that you don’t want moved, so that the issue doesn’t become a guilt producer?

Whatever the situation is, if you can maneuver it before you wind up having to confront him, it’s a win-win for you.

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Thank you.

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ALL caregivers lose their patience and get frustrated at times(if they're honest). And not just those caring for parents. I would on occasion lose my patience or get frustrated with my husband during the many years I was his caregiver. I too would feel bad afterward and apologize. But really, we're all just human, and we all have our breaking points. It comes with the territory, unfortunately. Just know that you are doing the very best you can, so cut yourself some slack. And when things get to a boiling point, just go out on your back porch and let out a big scream. You'd be amazed how helpful that can be.

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Yes and the old standby, scream into a pillow works very well in releasing stress!!! Try it

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Oh my goodness , been there , done that. It sounds like your dad knows your buttons and how to push them . It is perfectly normal for you to become impatient and frustrated with him. Did he not become impatient and frustrated if you did not follow his rules when you were growing up? I have gone through the same or similar situations with my mother many , many times. I found that it helped if I took the time to ask why she wanted to do something differently than I did. Ask for his opinion , make him feel like he is still useful, still capable of making a decision. Then sometimes, when it comes to little things, if it is not a something that endangers him or your family, give in , do things his way. I hope this makes sense to you and does not stress you further but I have learned a lot over the last few years about dealing with a parent who has always and still thinks their way is best, their way is right. Try some relaxation and stress relief techniques to help you deal with those times when you want to explode. There are thousands of results in a google search for tips.

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Yes. This usually starts at about the age of 3-6 months and lasts a lifetime :)

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Oh thats good!!! Lol 😂

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Being elderly is no excuse for being rude, hurting someone’s feelings, or showing contempt to the caregiver. Your father is wrong and it is your right and obligation to set some boundaries. I received this advice from the practical nurse helping my mother and also from another professional, a psychiatrist I needed to see because of guilt feelings for being human to her. Your Dad is not and never was perfect so drop the guilt feelings or your relationship will suffer and so will you. As caregiver you become the parent whether your Dad accepts it or not. The ending to my experience with my mother pushing my buttons was this and put simply I no longer felt any guilt because I was the one who ended up in the psychiatric ward of the hospital with my mother not allowed to visit me. Start today being the grown up in this relationship or you will regret it long after your Dad has expired. If you keep feeling guilty you will be emotionally crippled for the rest of your life. In an effort to protect myself from my mother I changed my telephone number so she could not contact me which she did very often. I had to put some time and distance between us and she survived just fine, in fact, she fared better than I did! I did all of this with professional help from people who had my best interests at heart as I tried to help my mother. Wise up, my dear, get a thicker
skin and perhaps your Dad will start to show some respect. Stop apologizing for being human. Does he apologize to you for hurting your feelings. I am 81 years old, been married for 51 years, and I feel so much hate for my mother even though she has been gone for over 20 years. But I sleep like a baby with absolutely no guilt where she is concerned. Please, please save your self from experiencing what I did. Start now, today. You are no longer the child in this relationship!!!

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If her parent has dementia then they cant apologise for hurting their childs feelings. Dementia strips a person from feeling empathy or meaningful understanding. Our parent is still there. they still love us and most likely would be devastated if they could understand how much their behaviour was hurting their child. Everyone loses their temper. We are all only human. Although make up quickly though and never leave on an argument. Tell your parent you love them everyday and have no regrets

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Does your father live in your house or is he still in his own place? If all this is going on in your house, then no way. You don't have to live like that having someone move your stuff and behave like that even if it is your parent. It's a different story when the adult child caregiver lives in their house. Then there's pretty much nothing you can do.
Maybe stop being his full-time caregiver. Bring in some outside hired help if possible to take some of the burden off of you. A lot of the time the senior is reluctant or downright refuses outside help. The threat of either work with the help or you go into a nursing home usually works pretty well getting them on board with new help. Good luck.

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Awww, I’m sorry to hear this. You have to remember he’s reverting back to childhood stages. He’s doing things we did growing up as teens. He’s your dad. I believe if u speak to him kindly and u have to overlook somethings. As they say pick your fights. He’s just use to his way and not thinking. You only have one dad. Just cherish the time u have with him.

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I've been in the same boat. My mother will do odd things like throw away my stuff for no apparent reason or forget to flush the toilet and it's rough dealing with these things when you're already tired, work a full time job, have a kid to raise...a few times I've been visibly upset. But I've eventually learned that getting audibly upset only makes me MORE upset so I don't even do that anymore. It really does pay to just take a deep breath, remember that it's not HER that did the action but the disease, and let it go. I've been much more at peace in practicing this. Admittedly some times are more difficult than others, so I think that's completely normal, but it isn't logical to get upset with them because the healthy version of them wouldn't do those things and it's all just part of their process. I'm just trying to enjoy what time I have left with her because I know her time is coming soon. Focusing on that helps a lot.....and prayer and anti-depressants, too. Haha. Good luck.

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In your profile you do not indicate if your dad has dementia or any other problems.
To answer your basic questions is it "normal" to become frustrated with ..you say parent but it could be anyone you are caring for..
First I dislike the term "normal" cuz as caregivers we know nothing is "normal"
And I think frustration is something we all experience to some degree every day.
Now for my bit of wisdom for what it is worth.
You can not change him you can however change your expectations and your reaction to things that happen.
If he moves something is it really a big deal? If it is not a safety reason or if it is something that you HAVE to have next time then don't stress. You say don't move the chair. And he moves it. Did where he moved it really make a difference? Unless he put it at the bottom of the stairs, or blocking a door leave the issue alone. If though he moves his medication from the place where it is kept to someplace different and now you can't find it THAT matters. He moves the remote so no one can find it THAT matters. So pick your battles. If it is the remote or medicine he is moving find a way to keep them safe, put a cord on the remote so it can only go so far, lock the medicine up so he can't move it.
This will make your life less stressful, make his life less stressful and in doing that he may not "push your buttons" quite as much.
I bet as often as you feel frustrated he feels frustrated as well. Particularly if he has dementia life in general can be frustrating trying to cope with just maintaining and retaining what you know.

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If it is only 'at times" then you are very lucky or a saint. My father drove me crazy all the time. It is especially frustrating when you are trying to do something to help them and they seem to sabotage what you are trying to accomplish...under the guise of 'helping'.

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There are exceptions but I have found that in most cases people who had nasty behavior before growing old usually continues to have unruly behavior in their senior years. They didn’t suddenly become that way with age.

Sweet little old ladies were charming younger women.

It’s only natural to be annoyed by rude behavior no matter what the age of the offensive person.

Give yourself a break and know that anyone would be bothered by others who are insensitive and inconsiderate.

Wishing you peace during this difficult challenge.

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They could have become unruly and mean in their senior years, if Alzheimer's and dementia are involved.

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My mom has Alzheimer's and is bedridden requiring round the clock care. Sometimes she is not very cooperative, won't eat or take her meds...... doesn't want me to change her diapers or reposition her....it frustrates me and makes sad. I am the only one helping her and devoting my time to ensure she is safe, happy and healthy but she cries and acts like I'm rying to hurt her. Occassionally I get angry and have to remind myself not to take it personally. She doesn't know what she's doing, doesn't know who I am. In her mind she is fine, doesn't need help, wear diapers etc and here is some stranger giving her pills when she's not sick, trying to take off her underwear, turning her left and right .....pressure sores are not on her mind. I ask myself would I take pills from a stranger.... what would I do if a stranger tried to remove my clothing/underwear, lied and told me I was wearing diapers when I'm not....I probably wouldn't be very cooperative or agreeable either (smile). Putting myself in her shoes and seeing things how she sees them with her current state of mind, helps me to be less angry more compassionate and understanding. She's not trying to hurt me. Mind you....occasionally when the stress builds up I crack and say something out of anger then end up feeling like an awful person wondering how I'd feel if those were my last words to her. I think the trick is to not take what they do/say personally and put yourself in their shoes, look at things through their eyes.

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You’re response is right on ... as caregivers we need to be able to imagine how our loved ones with dementia feel !!!!
putting ourselves in their shoes ... loss of control of their bodies .. thoughts... forgetting everything...all the confusion...the frustration and humiliation...easy to understand why they get angry depressed and sad.
walk a mile ......shoes

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Personally, if you're asking for opinions; you shouldn't feel guilty at all. If this is your home he's living in with you, than you have every right to have things the way "you" want. He needs to accept this. It sounds like you might need to sit down with him and set some boundaries. Believe me, I know how you feel. My heart "truly" goes out to you. (((((((hugs))))))))

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Yes it’s normal. I understand the guilt & feeling of shame. Caregiving is draining. In a perfect world family would all take their shifts & the moral responsibility to take care of our own, our parents would be delegated out to several members. However, it seems there is usually only one sibling doing all of the giving.

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Ist of all, if your Dad has his mental capacities, let him put his things where he wants, regardless if you think it would be better somewhere else.

Put yourself in his place, he's probably already lost control of most things in his life like making decisions, driving. Ect. Pick your fights, if it isn't going to hurt him or someone else, let him do it. He deserves to be happy. It's hard for the Child Parentroll to be reversed. Remember you were little once and I'm sure like all parents there were some frustrating moments you gave your parents.
We're all only human and we make mistakes. All is well as long as we learn by them.

Try letting your Dad make all hus iwn choices that concern him. Even if you're only giving him a choice between what to wear or what to eat or what he wants to do and even where he wants to put something. If it isn't going to cause pain or death, let him put whatever is in his own room wherever he wants, it's his room.

You'll find yourself much happier if you don't worry about the little things.

Your Dad will be happier too. 😇

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It is sooooo normal to become frustrated and impatient and even to holler a bit at the person you are caring for. Do not beat yourself up about this. Emotions are especially complicated when the person you are caring for is your father. It is painful to watch the person who was once your protector become frail and dependent. That underlying grief makes you less patient with your own father than you might be with an unrelated person who was displaying the same behavior. Think about how you would respond to the same behavior if the person you were caring for was an elderly man who was not your father.

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You are human so you have emotions and your unique set of personality traits - including your own "pace" and preferences. So is your dad, but he has whatever senior challenges on top of his personality. Usually this makes for an interesting and complex life that is enjoyable... and the occasional not so pleasant moments of opposing wills.

It is OK to enforce boundaries - like putting things away where you always do so you can find them. It is also OK to feel frustration when you dad doesn't follow through with "reminders" and "cuing" or for rude behavior. If your dad has dementia, he can not remember where the "usual" place is or the usual place seems "wrong" to him and he puts things in unusual places. He may also not remember how to respond when your reminders don't line up with what his mind is telling him. That can lead to some very frustrating moments. Either et used to having stuff "move" or start putting child locks on things to keep him from moving the contents of every drawer and cabinet.

As for feeling guilty, look at it a different way. Your expectations are not being met and that is frustrating you. Maybe you realize after an "incident" that your dad can't meet the expectation. Instead of feeling guilty for being human and having an unrealistic expectation, look at this as a different facet of change in his health. See this as just another challenge that needs a new approach.

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Yes! And I thank you for asking the question; reading the title of your post helps me feel not alone. The pressure to be the calm and sane one in the face of all the stress and frequent mistreatment is grinding.

Speaking of frustration, you might like this story; I’m in the midst of moving mom to AL. Many hours of work, many people helping my mom, etc...my mom can be a good woman ( which cues my guilt honestly )but she also does what I call ‘practicing ingratitude’ daily. After myself and others busting our arses so hard for her I’m just over it. She got on this kick that she’s being moved to a basement so finally I snapped, “ Nope! Not a basement! You’re being sent to a DUNGEON!” Then I thought, “ Uh oh there goes my mouth”, but she actually got the joke and laughed!

You’re all right and we’re all doing what we can...

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One day he will be gone forever and you will wish you could see him one more time but you can't and you will forget your frustration. You will feel very sad and regret that your were angry with him. That feeling is just awful, trust me.

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And how is guilt-tripping someone helpful here?

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It would be unnatural to not get frustrated from time to time. Know your own limitations. Try to not let these situations push you over the edge. Maintaining your own sanity is the best thing you can do for a LO.

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How old is your dad?
Does he have Dementia?
Does he live in your home, or do you live in his?
Was he patient with his family when you were growing up?

I ask these questions because depending on your answers would determine how I'd answer your question.

sandwichedboomer.com

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You are interfering with your Dad's abilities. Your parenting him. Meet him where he is and enjoy his presence. He has a lifetime of "doing" and it is still good for him to do what he wants. You can not change him or teach him new stuff. When he looks at you and knows by your actions and words...."my daughter really loves me"...your job will be enjoyable. You can not change what he has the ability to do...just be thankful, as soon he will not have those abilities.

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Tough caregiving is NEVER enjoyable! Sometimes it is barely tolerable.

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What would be MOST helpful on these posts nowadays would be 2 things:

1. A BLOCK feature to block annoying users who love to lay on the guilt trips; and
2. A DELETE feature so the OP could remove certain comments permanently

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Love your style, Lea! Great suggestions!!!

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Ladyrosalind said in her answer earlier, "As caregiver you become the parent whether your Dad accepts it or not." I can't describe to you how this statement just hit me. I am seeing my situation with new eyes and no guilt. I AM my dad's parent now, and I don't like that I have to be, because he was never the dad this girl needed growing up. He tells me every night now how grateful he is for my help that day, and we say "I love you" often, but I'm afraid I still deal with some bitterness and sadness regarding the past. If your guilt comes from speaking to your dad from the standpoint of parent to child, I would drop the guilt right now. As a parent we're responsible for firmly calling out improper responses and behavior in the child, and doing it with self control as the loving adult we should be. But sometimes anger can't be helped, because yes, our buttons get pushed. I am really having some revelations here in this moment, and it's lifting a wagonload of weight off my shoulders. Must have been time for this merciful "Aha!" moment. Hallelujah.

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LadyRosiland wrote a powerful post.

It hit me hard too. She spoke the cold hard truth, didn’t she?

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It is difficult, this role reversal. My stepdad has never really been “my dad” and although he loves me and appreciates the care he and mom are getting living with us, it’s still hard for me because I wasn’t able to provide the same care for my bio dad. I try to gently tell him to trust me and my husband. That care comfort and health are our priorities no matter what form it takes. But it definitely has become more if a parenting role for him and mom, both with different forms of dreaded dementia. God bless all of us in these trying situations! I thank all of you on this forum for shedding light and experiences on this challenging episode in our lives.

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My vote is to say HELL YES. You would NOT BE NORMAL if you didn't....unless you were a saint!...Oh yes, the all knowing fathers. My pup was told last night, when I told him to LEAVE ME ALONE, that I was "back to normal, she's crabby". If I'd had the guts I would have kicked him. But there's all that elder abuse to worry about....We have a PO BOX which is a bit high on the PO wall, as I am in recuperation mode, HE went to pick the mail up. I gave him specific directions as he is like a 2 year old and has to be told....and he was SURE he could reach the box. I told him to just go to the clerk at the window and ask THEM to get it. This is because I'd gone the night prior to the storm coming through, and they had jammed the mail in so tight I couldn't get it out. HE can't understand (since he told the clerk) why I don't want a LOWER box. He is totally clueless and incapable of processing the effects of such a move...having to notify everyone and anyone I have contact with of the new address....do NOT feel guilty and look out for yourself....I've lost track of how long I have been looking out for these elder parents of mine but I am sure that the stress of it all played a role in my recent illness (a dissected aorta, which is often fatal).

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There's no mention of your dad's condition, so I'm taking a wild guess that he has at least early stages of dementia. If, so then the answer to 'Is it normal...' is ABSOLUTELY YES! Even if he doesn't have dementia, having others not listen, do things you ask them not to do, etc, is annoying and frustrating, so yes, even then it can be normal. Dealing with it depends on the underlying condition.

IF your dad has dementia, you need to change your mindset. Asking him not to move something is basically planting a seed... As time ticks along, that seed grows, he is focused on it and the end result? He moves whatever it was. In some ways it is like telling a young child not to do something, and they will just HAVE to do it! It would be best not to direct his attention to whatever it is you don't want moved. On the other hand, if there ARE things you want him to deal with, then ask him not to do it - maybe it will work in your favor then! No guarantee, but worth a shot!

If he does do things you don't want him to or disapprove of, confrontation isn't going to work well. Again, this is mainly if he has dementia. Correcting, arguing, demanding, none of these methods of dealing with dementia are really going to yield the results you are looking for. Whatever you have to say will likely end up sounding like the teacher in the Charlie Brown stories - Wah wah wah, Wah WAH wah, wah wah wah... You can probably carry on some conversations, within reason, but if you get into the correction, scolding, arguing, it is only going to frustrate you and perhaps anger you both! Best not to go there.

If he does things you would prefer he doesn't, either put things where he can't get to them, or just move it back and sigh. Hope that he stays somewhat mild-mannered, non-aggressive and just walks away. Annoying. yes, but it is what it is. Their minds work in mysterious ways. I am thankful that my mother never went the aggressive angry route! She can be "feisty", she can get angry or be stubborn sometimes, but never really too hard to deal with. She CAN be redirected, change focus onto something else (this is what you should do, rather than say "Don't touch this!")

If it isn't dementia, a little more input for us, without being too personal? Age? Condition? Living arrangement (your place or his)? How long he has lived with you?

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Yes, he has the early stages of Dementia and has been stable for sometime now. Thank you for the support and advice. I really appreciate other caregivers input.

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You guessed it! Yes, I was raised Catholic and my Mother was very strict and constantly preaching.

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I was raised Catholic. Catholic moms can lay on the guilt! LOL

Her mom though, my grandmother was an angel. I adored her.

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Is it normal to become frustrated and impatient at times with your parent?

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