Operator Asked November 2020
Is it normal to become frustrated and impatient at times with your parent?
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Is it normal as a caregiver to become frustrated or impatient? I ask my Dad not to move certain things, and he tries to tell me he knows better. As soon as I leave, he ends up eventually moving it may it be right away or the next day. I become frustrated and repeat myself to him, and then I get the cold shoulder, or he walks away. Today I asked him not to walk away while I talked to him and mention how you would like it if someone walked away while you spoke to them and that it was rude. He stopped and listen, but now I feel so utterly guilty for visibly showing my frustration and repeating myself. I always end up apologizing, and it seems he plays on my emotions. I always end up feeling guilty.
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I sanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. You may need to adjust your expectations or remove items for awhile depending on the situation.
Remember, he sees you as his child, not an authority figure. You will have to make things seem as his idea if you want to have the possibility of him changing his behavior.
Absolutely! That's why I'm here right now! I refuse to give in to my father's paranoia that he's being watched by his apartment complex. and he keeps pushing it . he bought a ring camera and what he wants to do with it, wont' work. I'm trying to talk him out of it by saying you can't turn it off and on when you want to use it. you can't take battery out and put it back in. (it will always want to update). He never leaves the house except for MAYBE once a month. I have no desire to enable him. He just told me "But I'd rather you come over". so all my reasons didn't work. now i have to tell him "I'd rather not" in a way that doesn't peeve him off but he'll get mad anyway because most people who want someone to enable them usually do. gggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr lol
MOST of us are frustrated and impatient. That's why we vent here. If you need an understanding group of caregivers who are going through what you are going through, then consider joining the Alzheimer's/Dementia Caregiver's Support Group on Facebook. You will find plenty of frustrated and impatient people who will listen and support you.
Her mom though, my grandmother was an angel. I adored her.
IF your dad has dementia, you need to change your mindset. Asking him not to move something is basically planting a seed... As time ticks along, that seed grows, he is focused on it and the end result? He moves whatever it was. In some ways it is like telling a young child not to do something, and they will just HAVE to do it! It would be best not to direct his attention to whatever it is you don't want moved. On the other hand, if there ARE things you want him to deal with, then ask him not to do it - maybe it will work in your favor then! No guarantee, but worth a shot!
If he does do things you don't want him to or disapprove of, confrontation isn't going to work well. Again, this is mainly if he has dementia. Correcting, arguing, demanding, none of these methods of dealing with dementia are really going to yield the results you are looking for. Whatever you have to say will likely end up sounding like the teacher in the Charlie Brown stories - Wah wah wah, Wah WAH wah, wah wah wah... You can probably carry on some conversations, within reason, but if you get into the correction, scolding, arguing, it is only going to frustrate you and perhaps anger you both! Best not to go there.
If he does things you would prefer he doesn't, either put things where he can't get to them, or just move it back and sigh. Hope that he stays somewhat mild-mannered, non-aggressive and just walks away. Annoying. yes, but it is what it is. Their minds work in mysterious ways. I am thankful that my mother never went the aggressive angry route! She can be "feisty", she can get angry or be stubborn sometimes, but never really too hard to deal with. She CAN be redirected, change focus onto something else (this is what you should do, rather than say "Don't touch this!")
If it isn't dementia, a little more input for us, without being too personal? Age? Condition? Living arrangement (your place or his)? How long he has lived with you?
It hit me hard too. She spoke the cold hard truth, didn’t she?
1. A BLOCK feature to block annoying users who love to lay on the guilt trips; and
2. A DELETE feature so the OP could remove certain comments permanently
Does he have Dementia?
Does he live in your home, or do you live in his?
Was he patient with his family when you were growing up?
I ask these questions because depending on your answers would determine how I'd answer your question.
sandwichedboomer.com
Speaking of frustration, you might like this story; I’m in the midst of moving mom to AL. Many hours of work, many people helping my mom, etc...my mom can be a good woman ( which cues my guilt honestly )but she also does what I call ‘practicing ingratitude’ daily. After myself and others busting our arses so hard for her I’m just over it. She got on this kick that she’s being moved to a basement so finally I snapped, “ Nope! Not a basement! You’re being sent to a DUNGEON!” Then I thought, “ Uh oh there goes my mouth”, but she actually got the joke and laughed!
You’re all right and we’re all doing what we can...
It is OK to enforce boundaries - like putting things away where you always do so you can find them. It is also OK to feel frustration when you dad doesn't follow through with "reminders" and "cuing" or for rude behavior. If your dad has dementia, he can not remember where the "usual" place is or the usual place seems "wrong" to him and he puts things in unusual places. He may also not remember how to respond when your reminders don't line up with what his mind is telling him. That can lead to some very frustrating moments. Either et used to having stuff "move" or start putting child locks on things to keep him from moving the contents of every drawer and cabinet.
As for feeling guilty, look at it a different way. Your expectations are not being met and that is frustrating you. Maybe you realize after an "incident" that your dad can't meet the expectation. Instead of feeling guilty for being human and having an unrealistic expectation, look at this as a different facet of change in his health. See this as just another challenge that needs a new approach.
Put yourself in his place, he's probably already lost control of most things in his life like making decisions, driving. Ect. Pick your fights, if it isn't going to hurt him or someone else, let him do it. He deserves to be happy. It's hard for the Child Parentroll to be reversed. Remember you were little once and I'm sure like all parents there were some frustrating moments you gave your parents.
We're all only human and we make mistakes. All is well as long as we learn by them.
Try letting your Dad make all hus iwn choices that concern him. Even if you're only giving him a choice between what to wear or what to eat or what he wants to do and even where he wants to put something. If it isn't going to cause pain or death, let him put whatever is in his own room wherever he wants, it's his room.
You'll find yourself much happier if you don't worry about the little things.
Your Dad will be happier too. 😇
putting ourselves in their shoes ... loss of control of their bodies .. thoughts... forgetting everything...all the confusion...the frustration and humiliation...easy to understand why they get angry depressed and sad.
walk a mile ......shoes
Sweet little old ladies were charming younger women.
It’s only natural to be annoyed by rude behavior no matter what the age of the offensive person.
Give yourself a break and know that anyone would be bothered by others who are insensitive and inconsiderate.
Wishing you peace during this difficult challenge.
To answer your basic questions is it "normal" to become frustrated with ..you say parent but it could be anyone you are caring for..
First I dislike the term "normal" cuz as caregivers we know nothing is "normal"
And I think frustration is something we all experience to some degree every day.
Now for my bit of wisdom for what it is worth.
You can not change him you can however change your expectations and your reaction to things that happen.
If he moves something is it really a big deal? If it is not a safety reason or if it is something that you HAVE to have next time then don't stress. You say don't move the chair. And he moves it. Did where he moved it really make a difference? Unless he put it at the bottom of the stairs, or blocking a door leave the issue alone. If though he moves his medication from the place where it is kept to someplace different and now you can't find it THAT matters. He moves the remote so no one can find it THAT matters. So pick your battles. If it is the remote or medicine he is moving find a way to keep them safe, put a cord on the remote so it can only go so far, lock the medicine up so he can't move it.
This will make your life less stressful, make his life less stressful and in doing that he may not "push your buttons" quite as much.
I bet as often as you feel frustrated he feels frustrated as well. Particularly if he has dementia life in general can be frustrating trying to cope with just maintaining and retaining what you know.