As an old Vet, I have seen many deaths and the horror always comes back to me. If a loved one is dying is it wrong not to go visit if they know longer know you? When my wife's aunt died, (who I loved very much) all I can remember is her lying in her casket. This has haunted me all my life. Today I do not want to see someone on their death bed or see them in an open casket.
I had to watch my mother die, I was horrified. She had left instructions NOT to have and open casket, but my sisters ignored her wishes. I was furious.
I did her memorial service and only spoke of the good parts of her life, as though she had never died. That is how I want to remember loved ones, as though they have simply gone away.
I don't want to particularly visit under those circumstances, but as my cousin's POA and only involved family member, I have no choice. I will be there with her to the end with her struggle with dementia. I understand why some stay away. It's understandable.
I didn't know what to do when people died until I saw what people did for us when my father died. I didn't have a clue, even though I had gone to funerals and sent flowers. I'm ashamed that I didn't learn until I was 60 years old!
I stayed by my Mom's bedside long after the doctor's told me she wasn't aware anymore. I remember one afternoon sitting with Mom and holding her hand and the doctor coming in and quietly saying "You know she doesn't know you are holding her hand" I said "Yes, I know, but I am doing this for me now"
i was waylaid on the road yesterday by a funeral procession . i fail to see where their ritual is any more credible than the way i deal with grief .
Mica's comment that you should do what you can live with must be true. And especially it is certainly true in the circumstances you go on to describe, where the person to be visited is either unaware or already gone.
But if the person is in the process of dying, and wants to see you, it's a different kind of question. Unfortunately I have known circumstances where family members stayed away because it was too "traumatic" (if they'd been through your experiences, I wouldn't be curling my lip at that word I assure you) to visit. "He gets so depressed to see your mother going downhill." "Oh, but you know I hate hospitals!" Oh dearie me. Poor them.
In spite of your internal scars, you were there when your mother needed you, and you paid your respects in every way that mattered. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Others do.
Why I was wondering about that was because I was in Mom's room watching movie, which was Mom's favorite, and when the movie ended, Mom passed 5 minutes later. It was almost like she was watching it [even in a coma].
I have died once in 1991 after a horrific industrial accident, the doctors were amazed that I was still alive. My employer wanted me med-flighted to a larger trauma hospital some 30 miles away, but the doctor told them if I was moved I would die on the way. They fear that my aorta was torn away from my heart. While I was having a heart scan I basically died, I had lost so much blood that I had zero out on the BP monitor. I said to myself "Damn I am dead" then all the pain had gone. Then I awoke and the pain was back. No, I did not see the light, I did see myself lying on the table and the doctors and nurses screaming and yelling, I did not hear them until I awoke. I spent from 9:30 AM to 1AM in the trauma unit. At 1AM I was stable and sent to ICU.
In this situation, I was aware of my surroundings.
My support comes from cooking and preparing the meals for my wife's family. taking care of the family business and many other chores, running errands for the family. I did see my father-in-law before he lost his mind. He does not respond to any stimulation. I am busy all day running errands and doing for the family.
We do not grieve for a lost one but celebrate their life. I will be doing the memorial service for my father-in-law, I will talk about his life and the good memories. At 93 he has beaten the odds. I lost my father in 1985, he died suddenly, I lost my mother in 2011, while she was still awake for the first time in my life she told me she loved me. I watched her die, a horrible death.
I have seen too many people die in my life, young men dying in battle, friends and family. It has been a heavy burden to bare.
I visited my dad till I knew it was his last couple of days - even though it wasnt apparent he was on his last couple days, I knew it.
I did not want to be there when he passed, or after because I knew it would put me over the edge again. The cremation place came and took what was him, but wasnt any more.
My memories are now of him talking to me of happy days, I still feel as though he is in the NH joking and well.
Do what you need to do as far as visiting- I sat and held his hand and told him i loved him, and left knowing i would not go back because i knew he was passing.
Where I work we occasionally see parents abandon a child with cancer or a disability and it is just unbearable to watch them suffer not just from their condition but from the loneliness and the feeling uncared for almost no matter what we do.
That said, funerals are for the living. If you care about the people left behind, it is almost always good to go if you can. If your being there won't comfort anyone but you, really, and it does nto comfort you that much, I think its OK to express condolences and not go.
See All Answers