As an old Vet, I have seen many deaths and the horror always comes back to me. If a loved one is dying is it wrong not to go visit if they know longer know you? When my wife's aunt died, (who I loved very much) all I can remember is her lying in her casket. This has haunted me all my life. Today I do not want to see someone on their death bed or see them in an open casket.
I had to watch my mother die, I was horrified. She had left instructions NOT to have and open casket, but my sisters ignored her wishes. I was furious.
I did her memorial service and only spoke of the good parts of her life, as though she had never died. That is how I want to remember loved ones, as though they have simply gone away.
I don't want to particularly visit under those circumstances, but as my cousin's POA and only involved family member, I have no choice. I will be there with her to the end with her struggle with dementia. I understand why some stay away. It's understandable.
I visited my dad till I knew it was his last couple of days - even though it wasnt apparent he was on his last couple days, I knew it.
I did not want to be there when he passed, or after because I knew it would put me over the edge again. The cremation place came and took what was him, but wasnt any more.
My memories are now of him talking to me of happy days, I still feel as though he is in the NH joking and well.
Do what you need to do as far as visiting- I sat and held his hand and told him i loved him, and left knowing i would not go back because i knew he was passing.
You do what is right for you... yes Thank You for your service!
Mica's comment that you should do what you can live with must be true. And especially it is certainly true in the circumstances you go on to describe, where the person to be visited is either unaware or already gone.
But if the person is in the process of dying, and wants to see you, it's a different kind of question. Unfortunately I have known circumstances where family members stayed away because it was too "traumatic" (if they'd been through your experiences, I wouldn't be curling my lip at that word I assure you) to visit. "He gets so depressed to see your mother going downhill." "Oh, but you know I hate hospitals!" Oh dearie me. Poor them.
In spite of your internal scars, you were there when your mother needed you, and you paid your respects in every way that mattered. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Others do.
My mother had the idea when her best friend died that she wanted to remember her as she was, and since my mother was travelling (visiting me, as it happens) when her friend took sick she continued with her plans even though I urged her to go home and be with her friend. Years later, she told me she regretted that decision and felt she should have been there, and she did not make the same mistake when my sister died. She sat by the bedside holding my sister's hand for the last few hours of her life, even though she had to sit in a wheelchair since she's no longer ambulatory. I don't know if my sister knew that Mom was with her either, but Mom knew, and that was the important thing. Yes, it's what you can live with, and what you'll want to remember in the end. I wanted my sister to be enveloped in love and warmth as she died, and we did our best to accomplish that.
I spent quite a bit of time with my Grandma growing up who lived in a small town. She lived next door to a funeral home and felt it was her duty to visit there if they "had a body", whether she knew them or not. Me, being very young, had no choice but to go with her. When I became a teenager, I refused to look at anyone in a casket, I had had enough. My Grandma thought I was a terrible person for thinking that.
Through the years I have seen death, the worst was walking in to see my Dad, unexpectedly, dead in the floor, I was alone. It was terrifying for me as I dialed 911 to report it at the scene (at the time, there weren't cell phones). The firemen arriving, then the police, all were very nice and comforting to me. A fireman came to tell me that there was nothing that could be done and asked if I wanted to see him warning me that rigor mortise had set in and that his legs and arms were in the air, that news put me in more of a downhill spiral. He was pronounced dead at the scene, I then needed to wait for the funeral home to come get his body. It was the coldest day of the year, I paced the backyard with his dog for several hours with light snow falling.
I know there is a good chance I will go to wake Mom and find her gone, I am prepared for that. Even now, I open the door slowly, then watch to see her breathing.
My mother passed alone but not in distress. Friends had visited and she made teamed after they left she was in her kitchen washing dishes and just dropped dead. When we arrived a few days later i did not want to see her so did not go although my hubby did. i just did not want to have my last memory of her dead. I did see my MIL and was totally shocked by the way she looked and can't get that out of my mind. Her appearance had been so important to her and she kept her hair tinted and there she was with straggly grey hair that I know she would have hated. I try and remember her in life but that image just won't come. So do what is comfortable for you. Just be sure you manage to say your goodbyes if you are able before she goes. Many many years ago I had a 26 year old patient with a six week old baby dying from kidney faure (Before dialysis0 AND I WAS UPSET AND FELT HER HUSBAND DID NOT CARE AS HE HARDLY VISITED IN THOSE LAST WEEKS. BUT MY HUSBAND TOLD ME HE WAS STAYING AWAY BECAUSE HE DID CARE A GREAT DEAL AND JUST DID NOT WANT TO SEE HER DYING AND SUFFERING.
i was waylaid on the road yesterday by a funeral procession . i fail to see where their ritual is any more credible than the way i deal with grief .
There are a couple of things valuable in seeing someone either before or after they die. It helps to bring closure. Strangely enough, I don't really feel that my brother is dead because I didn't see the body. I just saw an urn that looked like a Crown Royal bottle. (That seemed a bit fitting, since the alcohol had been what cut his life short.) I don't know if closure is important for people, but I imagine that it could be. The other thing that is important is being there for the survivors. They will remember who did and didn't come to pay final respects.
As for being on hand at the final moments, once someone is no longer conscious then I don't fault anyone for staying away, but it breaks my heart to think of anyone being alone during their final moments. Just because a person has dementia and doesn't know their family anymore shouldn't give them a free pass to stay away.
Seeing Mom [98] in her coffin at church gave me peace knowing she was with the rest of her large family. That was so much easier to deal with then the sharp memories of when she had delirium episodes which were so very unsettling.
As for my Dad, his passing was much quicker then any of us had expected. Dad had a viewing at church, also.... he was dressed in his favorite flannel shirt, had on his reading glasses, and tucked under his arm was the most current hometown newspaper. Dad looked pretty much like he looked when he was alive, sleeping back in his recliner with his newspaper. He's now with Mom.
I wasn't one to attend other people's funerals unless that person was an immediate part of the family or was a very dear friend. Now that has changed, recently I went to sig other's boss's mother funeral even though I didn't anyone involved.
I didn't know what to do when people died until I saw what people did for us when my father died. I didn't have a clue, even though I had gone to funerals and sent flowers. I'm ashamed that I didn't learn until I was 60 years old!
Where I work we occasionally see parents abandon a child with cancer or a disability and it is just unbearable to watch them suffer not just from their condition but from the loneliness and the feeling uncared for almost no matter what we do.
That said, funerals are for the living. If you care about the people left behind, it is almost always good to go if you can. If your being there won't comfort anyone but you, really, and it does nto comfort you that much, I think its OK to express condolences and not go.
I stayed by my Mom's bedside long after the doctor's told me she wasn't aware anymore. I remember one afternoon sitting with Mom and holding her hand and the doctor coming in and quietly saying "You know she doesn't know you are holding her hand" I said "Yes, I know, but I am doing this for me now"
Why I was wondering about that was because I was in Mom's room watching movie, which was Mom's favorite, and when the movie ended, Mom passed 5 minutes later. It was almost like she was watching it [even in a coma].
I have died once in 1991 after a horrific industrial accident, the doctors were amazed that I was still alive. My employer wanted me med-flighted to a larger trauma hospital some 30 miles away, but the doctor told them if I was moved I would die on the way. They fear that my aorta was torn away from my heart. While I was having a heart scan I basically died, I had lost so much blood that I had zero out on the BP monitor. I said to myself "Damn I am dead" then all the pain had gone. Then I awoke and the pain was back. No, I did not see the light, I did see myself lying on the table and the doctors and nurses screaming and yelling, I did not hear them until I awoke. I spent from 9:30 AM to 1AM in the trauma unit. At 1AM I was stable and sent to ICU.
In this situation, I was aware of my surroundings.
My support comes from cooking and preparing the meals for my wife's family. taking care of the family business and many other chores, running errands for the family. I did see my father-in-law before he lost his mind. He does not respond to any stimulation. I am busy all day running errands and doing for the family.
We do not grieve for a lost one but celebrate their life. I will be doing the memorial service for my father-in-law, I will talk about his life and the good memories. At 93 he has beaten the odds. I lost my father in 1985, he died suddenly, I lost my mother in 2011, while she was still awake for the first time in my life she told me she loved me. I watched her die, a horrible death.
I have seen too many people die in my life, young men dying in battle, friends and family. It has been a heavy burden to bare.
Your question does remind me a lot of a thread we have on the group about the reasons siblings don't help with caregiving. I don't know how close you were to your FIL and if your seeing him will make any difference to him. The only thing I would consider would be the impact on the rest of the family, especially the spouse.
I was up before daylight fixing breakfast for the family so she could feed the sisters and her aunt. There are many other ways to support the loved ones. My being there will not help the situation, he cannot hear, see and is completely incoherent.
His sisters live 1 hour away and I shuttle them back and forth to the hospital. I do support my wife, sister-in-law and his family that are still alive.
My sig other didn't like walking into hospitals or going to visit my Dad when he lived in Independent Living because he didn't like seeing people with walkers. Sig other would leave me off at the door.... [sigh] Now if he would be home helping with chores it would have been a different story, but he didn't. There has to be give and take in these types of situations. And you are doing that, giving some balance to a stressful situation.
We did a similar thing with my FIL a few years later. Our son saw him while he was still able to communicate but once he was past that stage only his children and spouses were allowed if they wanted. One daughter & son chose to remember Dad as he had been and not visit. His youngest daughter and my husband were with him his final days because they wanted to be there.
It’s up to each person to make the decision
I look upon death as Our Love Ones Spirit moving on ahead of Us, but Wee'l meet up with again a little farther down that long winedy road of Life