As an old Vet, I have seen many deaths and the horror always comes back to me. If a loved one is dying is it wrong not to go visit if they know longer know you? When my wife's aunt died, (who I loved very much) all I can remember is her lying in her casket. This has haunted me all my life. Today I do not want to see someone on their death bed or see them in an open casket.
I had to watch my mother die, I was horrified. She had left instructions NOT to have and open casket, but my sisters ignored her wishes. I was furious.
I did her memorial service and only spoke of the good parts of her life, as though she had never died. That is how I want to remember loved ones, as though they have simply gone away.
How you deal with the loss of your Mother, Spouse, child, best friend is a personal expression of how you felt at that moment and how you think/thought they would want you to express yourself.
How one deals with death is greatly determined how they dealt with that persons life and your own. My Husband Loved the Chicago Cubs. When he died and a family member said..xxxx and I are going shopping for suits for xxxx and xxx since I had asked them to be pallbearers I said No suits. I wanted everyone to wear Cubs Jerseys or T-Shirts and jeans. My husband disliked suits and I had said for years he would be buried in either a Cubs shirt, a Bears shirt or a plaid flannel. He was laid to rest with a Cubs Jersey and Cap.
So do not let anyone tell you how you should or should not mourn or express yourself at a service. (short of getting drunk and being an idiot of course)
I look upon death as Our Love Ones Spirit moving on ahead of Us, but Wee'l meet up with again a little farther down that long winedy road of Life
We did a similar thing with my FIL a few years later. Our son saw him while he was still able to communicate but once he was past that stage only his children and spouses were allowed if they wanted. One daughter & son chose to remember Dad as he had been and not visit. His youngest daughter and my husband were with him his final days because they wanted to be there.
It’s up to each person to make the decision
My sig other didn't like walking into hospitals or going to visit my Dad when he lived in Independent Living because he didn't like seeing people with walkers. Sig other would leave me off at the door.... [sigh] Now if he would be home helping with chores it would have been a different story, but he didn't. There has to be give and take in these types of situations. And you are doing that, giving some balance to a stressful situation.
I was up before daylight fixing breakfast for the family so she could feed the sisters and her aunt. There are many other ways to support the loved ones. My being there will not help the situation, he cannot hear, see and is completely incoherent.
His sisters live 1 hour away and I shuttle them back and forth to the hospital. I do support my wife, sister-in-law and his family that are still alive.
Your question does remind me a lot of a thread we have on the group about the reasons siblings don't help with caregiving. I don't know how close you were to your FIL and if your seeing him will make any difference to him. The only thing I would consider would be the impact on the rest of the family, especially the spouse.
I have died once in 1991 after a horrific industrial accident, the doctors were amazed that I was still alive. My employer wanted me med-flighted to a larger trauma hospital some 30 miles away, but the doctor told them if I was moved I would die on the way. They fear that my aorta was torn away from my heart. While I was having a heart scan I basically died, I had lost so much blood that I had zero out on the BP monitor. I said to myself "Damn I am dead" then all the pain had gone. Then I awoke and the pain was back. No, I did not see the light, I did see myself lying on the table and the doctors and nurses screaming and yelling, I did not hear them until I awoke. I spent from 9:30 AM to 1AM in the trauma unit. At 1AM I was stable and sent to ICU.
In this situation, I was aware of my surroundings.
My support comes from cooking and preparing the meals for my wife's family. taking care of the family business and many other chores, running errands for the family. I did see my father-in-law before he lost his mind. He does not respond to any stimulation. I am busy all day running errands and doing for the family.
We do not grieve for a lost one but celebrate their life. I will be doing the memorial service for my father-in-law, I will talk about his life and the good memories. At 93 he has beaten the odds. I lost my father in 1985, he died suddenly, I lost my mother in 2011, while she was still awake for the first time in my life she told me she loved me. I watched her die, a horrible death.
I have seen too many people die in my life, young men dying in battle, friends and family. It has been a heavy burden to bare.
Why I was wondering about that was because I was in Mom's room watching movie, which was Mom's favorite, and when the movie ended, Mom passed 5 minutes later. It was almost like she was watching it [even in a coma].
I stayed by my Mom's bedside long after the doctor's told me she wasn't aware anymore. I remember one afternoon sitting with Mom and holding her hand and the doctor coming in and quietly saying "You know she doesn't know you are holding her hand" I said "Yes, I know, but I am doing this for me now"
Where I work we occasionally see parents abandon a child with cancer or a disability and it is just unbearable to watch them suffer not just from their condition but from the loneliness and the feeling uncared for almost no matter what we do.
That said, funerals are for the living. If you care about the people left behind, it is almost always good to go if you can. If your being there won't comfort anyone but you, really, and it does nto comfort you that much, I think its OK to express condolences and not go.
I didn't know what to do when people died until I saw what people did for us when my father died. I didn't have a clue, even though I had gone to funerals and sent flowers. I'm ashamed that I didn't learn until I was 60 years old!
Seeing Mom [98] in her coffin at church gave me peace knowing she was with the rest of her large family. That was so much easier to deal with then the sharp memories of when she had delirium episodes which were so very unsettling.
As for my Dad, his passing was much quicker then any of us had expected. Dad had a viewing at church, also.... he was dressed in his favorite flannel shirt, had on his reading glasses, and tucked under his arm was the most current hometown newspaper. Dad looked pretty much like he looked when he was alive, sleeping back in his recliner with his newspaper. He's now with Mom.
I wasn't one to attend other people's funerals unless that person was an immediate part of the family or was a very dear friend. Now that has changed, recently I went to sig other's boss's mother funeral even though I didn't anyone involved.
As for being on hand at the final moments, once someone is no longer conscious then I don't fault anyone for staying away, but it breaks my heart to think of anyone being alone during their final moments. Just because a person has dementia and doesn't know their family anymore shouldn't give them a free pass to stay away.
There are a couple of things valuable in seeing someone either before or after they die. It helps to bring closure. Strangely enough, I don't really feel that my brother is dead because I didn't see the body. I just saw an urn that looked like a Crown Royal bottle. (That seemed a bit fitting, since the alcohol had been what cut his life short.) I don't know if closure is important for people, but I imagine that it could be. The other thing that is important is being there for the survivors. They will remember who did and didn't come to pay final respects.
i was waylaid on the road yesterday by a funeral procession . i fail to see where their ritual is any more credible than the way i deal with grief .
My mother passed alone but not in distress. Friends had visited and she made teamed after they left she was in her kitchen washing dishes and just dropped dead. When we arrived a few days later i did not want to see her so did not go although my hubby did. i just did not want to have my last memory of her dead. I did see my MIL and was totally shocked by the way she looked and can't get that out of my mind. Her appearance had been so important to her and she kept her hair tinted and there she was with straggly grey hair that I know she would have hated. I try and remember her in life but that image just won't come. So do what is comfortable for you. Just be sure you manage to say your goodbyes if you are able before she goes. Many many years ago I had a 26 year old patient with a six week old baby dying from kidney faure (Before dialysis0 AND I WAS UPSET AND FELT HER HUSBAND DID NOT CARE AS HE HARDLY VISITED IN THOSE LAST WEEKS. BUT MY HUSBAND TOLD ME HE WAS STAYING AWAY BECAUSE HE DID CARE A GREAT DEAL AND JUST DID NOT WANT TO SEE HER DYING AND SUFFERING.