I've done just about everything to counteract the stress I've been going through, mostly due to the 'personalities' involved in my family. While trying to be the 'good' one in the family to care for my mother, it's been an uphill battle being in the middle of family members. This has been so stressful for me and for my aging mother (which makes me more stressed). How does one (really) cope (all cliché's aside and after counseling, etc. ) with all this family 'drama' when in reality, someone has to step up to care of a parent (in or out of AL)?
We have so much control over the stress in our lives. It helps to write about it and hear the soothing remarks of others who understand. We can always walk away from it if it gets too bad. And we can find ways to self soothe. Some people do it by trying to understand and forgive. Others use exercise or music. Each person is different, but we all have the ability to soothe ourselves. I like coming up with mantras, like Feel the fear and do it anyway, This too shall pass, or That is just how they are. They are heartening to me. (Exercise and socializing are excellent for me, too. I'm just about to go do these things.)
Do you know what, they are not going to change.
So what I did was learn to protect myself and get in a place where I was less susceptible to the drama and more able to handle the stress, which we carers do seem built to cope with.
The issues we face will not go away, but we can make ourselves stronger and less vulnerable to that awful feeling of overwhelment.
My doctor recommended hypnotherapy and meditation/practicing mindfulness.
And boy it is like giving your soul a hot stome massage!! I was cynical, and took me a bit of shopping around to find one I like, but I find Bob Griswold's Youtube sessions lovely. (There are loads on there, all free, try a few to find one that suits you.
Bob's are 10 min sections, but I also do a longer session every now and then.
I have a nice little app on my iphone for practicing Mindfulness... 'Mindfulness Daily', but I am sure Youtube has Minfulness clips freely available.
Look after yourself. Go for walks somewhere pretty, and accept things and people that you cannot change, once I did this I did seem to get less wound up. And my most dramatic brother seems to be less troublesome (maybe because I am less defensive and let him say his nonsense without reaction. I do think he'd often contact me expecting a fight. When I chilled out and didn't get frustrated he actually mellowed a bit. (Still p's me off, but I try to pause and smile now instead of getting annoyed.
(I don't think I'll ever be the Dalai Lama, but I'm less cranky after meditating/hypnosis. Friends have said I'm less 'brittle'.
Give it a go!
I also imagined a new visualization: pack all your anger into a black ball. Now make the ball a black balloon. Sit peacefully, close your eyes and imagine the balloon is on a string outside and it rises higher and higher in the air. It gets smaller and smaller and you feel freer as you get the courage to release the ball into the universe and let go of the long string. Imagine the ball becoming a tiny black dot and finally it is completely out of your hands. Become aware of your face, neck, chest, arms, stomach, legs, feet. Welcome back! You can always do this exercise.
Mindfulness: Lovely quick 2 part session, 10 mins each: http://youtu.be/YW-TDOgstSE (I make sure I have loose comfy clothes on and sit in my comfy chair wrapped in a blankie and generally can't help but totally zen out to this guy's vouce!
Use headphones if you are in a place with background noise)
Lovely 40 minute 'body scan' Mindfulness session.. if you ever get that long to yourself ;)
http://youtu.be/_vN3wkatdts
Destress hypnotherapy session: http://youtu.be/Xz-KDXWsepI
Nice relaxing destress music: http://youtu.be/hEU0enP2xSU
My brother, who lives 1500 miles away was no help. He would tell me what I should be doing but never did anything to really help. I work full time and take care of her animals and mine plus our 5 acres. She is not always the easiest person to get along with, she hates my daughters, although they have done nothing but try to help her. My youngest was there when she fell last year and broke her ribs, she is the one who held her and calmed her down and told me that her ribs were broken before the EMT's got there. So, it is just me. I am stressed beyond belief and although it makes me feel bad, I am also bitter.
After coming home from the nursing home, my mom went to my brother's for his baby's first birthday. He refused to set up her meds. He told me that I had to call her doc and tell them to get a nurse at his house the next day. I told him I didn't think that was possible and when she came home I had NO nurse to help me set up her 15 or so different medications. I had to read the directions and get them ready for her then try to make sure she took them, which meant calling from work too. He got mad and told me he was sorry for bothering me when I am so busy...he would call and have HIS insurance have a nurse come out. Yeah, that didn't happen. They couldn't get someone out the next day! He thinks it is so easy, but it is very difficult!
So sorry to hijack the thread. I feel for everyone who is going this alone!
I feel badly for you and understand the unbelievable stress you are going through. You must try to get some kind of help for your mom so you don't get ill... Is there some kind of caregiver's organization near you that can help guide you along? How about the Volunteers of America? or contact the city (311?)you near by... keep calling around. You are Blessed to have your beautiful daughters. Try and force yourself (like many of us here) to get some help! Stay on this site... Blessings.
I have 8 living siblings and all are drama filled. When they start asking questions (about once a year) I get upset and the adrenaline starts to rush and I feel like all my nerves are on edge. My family is extremely toxic and I try to avoid them as much as possible. They don't help me with my mom so why should I stay in contact with them? I have one sister who calls my mom twice a month. The rest don't call at all. If they do I simply hand the phone over to mom and avoid them.
When it comes to what they will get when mom passes away, that is when you can get their attention. Otherwise, silence.
I went to a naturopath and she gave me some supplements with SaME and 5HTP in them. They have helped. To help with sleep I take NaturalCalm which is a magnesium supplement. It helps to calm me before retiring for the night.
I wish I could tell you that exercising helps but I don't have time to get any in so I can't help you there.
But I do not think that is what you had in mind. You probably need some personal rest time. Hope you get it.
If I didn't have Youtube I think I'd be in the news for throttling mum's useless lazy lying consultant, and a particularly rude Staff Nurse who, whenever I warn them mum is asking for a bedpan/ has already exploded, looks at me like I've asked her to wax my bikini line!
On my way back from hospital today I repeated to myself that it was perfectly OK to feel what I was feeling (am doing it again now cos I'm getting 'the swollen tingle' feeling in my head just thinking about it;) - and it's really odd how it makes the angst dissipate and I can park it so it doesn't consume me.
I love this site, but I get empathy stress sometimes reading people's situations. Do you think carer's have too much empathy? I soak up other people's pain. (Need to limit webtime ;)
Be kind to yourselves fellow carers.
We aren't robots, it's OK to feel how we feel :)
Won't be forever.
Hug' em while you can! (When they let you ;)
I was able to sneak in a quick vacation while she was in rehab and my awesome oldest daughter did her laundry for her (I was doing it till I left) while I was gone. It was great, but I had to come home :(
It would be wonderful if there were more resources for those of us with family who don't really need to go to a nursing home, yet needed more help at home than can be provided by family. We have nothing here, I live in a very small country town. There was a senior social group that had started but it failed before it began!
youngestofsix, I too watched the videos! They are great! Much needed!
I do think "carer's have too much empathy"... I totally agree with you about limiting web-time and people-time. Even with people who are not 'caregivers', I wonder how they can spend most of the day on the web... I don't think it's healthy... In any case, I feel better after conversing today. Thank you everyone. May your heart, body and soul be filled with happiness and peace. :)
I have contact with my brother but expect nothing of him. I don't begrudge him for his lack of concern. I actually admire him for being able to walk way from our dysfunctional family years ago and refer to him as the "smart one". I have accepted this cross and bare it myself. My choice, my burden. Compassion I get from my God and my husband. It is sufficient for me.
Home is me by myself. Ahhhhhhhhh. Turn on Pandora and the New Age peace music. Focus on creating dinner, correspondence for my business, planning tomorrow's shoot. She floats away from my mind as I focus on my own things. Peace comes back. I am whole, until the next visit.
Oh my, wonder if there is a fear of caregiving? There is gerontophobia, fear of getting old.